I Love You, Man : Adult Friendships

BFFs and Adulting : Why is it so Difficult to Make Adult Friendships?

Another common theme I tend to hear from clients has nothing to do with romantic relationships, but rather adult friendships. As I am writing this, I immediately think of the movie I Love You, Man staring Paul Rudd and Jason Segel. Although comical, the movie actually has a lot of truth to it and while you may find yourself laughing your butt off, you may equally find yourself cringing at the idea of trying to make friends. If you haven’t seen this hilarious movie, it’s about a couple getting married and the groom (Paul Rudd) realizes he doesn’t have any friends to fill up the slots of his groomsmen at his own wedding. The movie depicts his difficult (yet humorous) journey of finding a best man (Jason Segel) as an adult male. I love that this movie is funny and light-hearted, yet it truly displays the void we can feel when we aren’t close with others outside of our romantic relationship(s) as adults. It also shows the awkwardness of trying to make adult friendships with the fears and insecurities we face when attempting to go outside of our comfort zones to put ourselves out there.

Trying to make friends as an adult is almost more daunting than finding a romantic partner. This may be because establishing adult friendships can feel more vulnerable, as our intentions can be misunderstood or more open to being criticized. The societal “rules” of how to “pick up” friends feel less obvious and can make us feel desperate.

Peter: “So what do I do? How do I make friends?

Peter’s Brother: “If you see a cool looking guy, strike up a conversation and ask him on a man date.”

Peter: “Ok.”

Peter’s Brother: “You know what I mean?”

Peter: “No.”

Peter’s Brother: “A casual lunch or after work drinks. You’re not taking these boys to see The Devil Wears Prada.”

Peter: “Ohhhh god… I love that movie! No I won’t.”

I think this topic of adult friendships is very relative and interesting, considering most of us have friends we grew up and/or have made friends with people we work with due to proximity and convenience. Many of us have a difficult time making deep connections with new friends (and/or even with current friends) and if we find ourselves wanting to build more connected, adult companions it can feel extremely overwhelming.

As I mentioned earlier, I genuinely believe this is because it feels more vulnerable at times to attempt to make deeper connections with our current friends or try to make new friendships with new adults. I think this all boils down to our fear of judgement, as our intentions of establishing new friendships can be misunderstood, criticized and shaming. I often hear my clients say, “How lame am I tying to make friends as a 30-year-old? Everyone around me probably thinks I’m such a loser because they assume I don’t already have friends.”

If we aren’t new to the area or have a “practical reason” to be striking up conversation with the person next to us at the gym, we can be perceived as being just plain ol’ weird. This is truly unfortunate, considering we could always benefit from making new connections and finding safety with another person; it truly could only help us continue to feel secure in ourselves, supported and fulfilled in our own lives.

As we “adult” and become more and more aware of who we are, it is important to find friendships that support our interests and establish connections with friends whom we feel we can rely on. Not all of us are lucky enough to have the same best friend as we did when we were children, and if you find yourself on that boat, there’s nothing wrong with you for wanting to establish, build and maintain new adult friendships.

Although these “tips” on how to make adult friendships may seem “cheesy”, I do think it can be beneficial when attempting to step out into your next experience with intentions of wanting to make friends:

Be Open and Willing. This can be as simple as being mindful of how often you don’t smile at others around you when you are at the grocery store, gym, bar, class, etc. This may also mean being open and forward like introducing yourself, “Hey, I’m ______, I noticed you’re new to our class.” Being approachable will help strangers (aka potential friends) feel more interested and safe engaging with you.
Extend a Friendly Compliment. Everyone appreciates a genuine compliment and if it is being received from someone who is sharing to display similar interests, rather than attempting to spark a romantic connection, it often feels less threatening or uncomfortable. For example, “Nice beard man, how long did it take you to grow?” or “I think you have great style, where do you tend to shop?”
Ask Them About Themselves: As you develop adult friendships, it’s important to ask them about what they are interested in, where they grew up, what they do for a living. If they feel you are being genuine and have something in common, your friendship will start to naturally evolve.
Initiate, Plan and Invite: Initiate friendships by giving them your phone number or adding them on social media to spark an easy and friendly invite. It’s also important to find something interesting to invite them to. Because we aren’t kids anymore and going over to each other’s house to sit in front of the TV doesn’t suffice, it’s helpful to create “friend dates” and extend invites as much as possible. This is helpful to maintaining your new adult friendship, as well as serving as a platform to building your depth and fun in your new friendship.
Be Aware of Expectations: As adults, we have hectic schedules and can’t necessarily hang out with friends as often as we used to when we were in high school, so don’t overly stress or analyze if your new friend doesn’t text as much as you or can’t make it to your Sunday brunch. Be patient and enjoy your relationship as it comes.
Don’t Let Your Insecurities Take Over: Be yourself and know we all have insecurities. Wanting friendships as an adult is normal and just because our society may feel closed off, doesn’t mean you won’t find a person who respects your efforts and personality.
Be Flexible: If your new friend interest isn’t consistent or you end up not having a lot in common after all, try not to be discouraged. Not everyone is going to be compatible or open to building a friendship and it isn’t something you should take personally.