Self Reflection : Is it healthy to stay friends with your ex?
Do you ever ask, “should you stay friends with your ex?” It’s a tricky question for many of us, especially if we haven’t truly identified our own intentions or feelings.
Most modern relationships start with two people having a relationship history. Whether it’s extensive, short or eclectic, our relationship past is usually complicated and sometimes hard to understand.
When starting a new relationship, I have found that some couples struggle with how to approach the topic of their ex-partners. Some clients find themselves sustaining relationships with their ex’s, while others are completely against it. Some clients find themselves worried about boundaries with ex-relationships and have an internal conflict with compromising this previous connection.
When is it inappropriate to stay connected to an ex? In what capacity is it acceptable to remain “connected” to an ex? When are you compromising yourself and your own values when starting a new relationship that has a different philosophy? When is it time to full end your relationship with an ex?
In my professional opinion, I am going to give you a rather vague answer to these questions. It depends. I used to hate when my professors in grad school would say that, but sometimes that’s all you can say. Although this answer is ambiguous, I have learned as a therapist how to appreciate that simplistic, yet confusing answer. It really does depend. Every person is different, every relationship is different, every scenario has its own complications and complexities. All I ask, do your own homework.
If you find it is important to maintain relationships with your ex’s, please take a moment to reflect and ask yourself why. Are there any subconscious possibilities that have caused you to want to leave the door slightly open just in case? Do you worry about having enemies or anyone from your past having a negative perspective about you? Did you have a ex or two that weren’t good romantic partners, but still show up for you as a friend?
Regardless of your scenario, I think it is important that you be extremely honest with yourself when asking why you maintain relationship(s) with your ex(s). The first two examples may have the tendency to lead you in some relational trouble in the future, (if it hasn’t already).
Across the board, I feel the following is a good rule of thumb when attempting to establish healthy boundaries and appropriate scenarios with your new partner, as well as with your ex’s:
- Skip the Short Cut
- When initiating a new relationship, limit your conversations about your ex-partners. When having the urge to talk about your ex’s, ask yourself ”why do I want to talk about them?” If you find yourself wanting to talk about them because, A) you miss them or B) you want to make your new partner jealous, my advice is to stop and do some work immediately on yourself. These two examples aren’t necessarily negative, but it does require some hard reflection and possibly some difficult work on yourself before you are fully capable of starting a new (healthy) relationship. Starting a new relationship with someone when you are either A) not over your ex, or B) are playing games to mask insecurities, are not the best foundational blocks to start your new connection on. Understanding your intentions, giving yourself the proper time to grieve ex-relationships and work on self-esteem, will help you on so many levels. Skipping these, are a short cut you do not want to take. Trust me.
- Keep Perspective
- Most often we forget how much our ex’s drove us crazy. Or how incompatible we were together. When starting a new relationship, we have the tendency to compare our ex with our new partner and new red flags may be solely based on our own skewed memory. If we find ourselves holding onto an ex-partner because “they are so great,” we may find ourselves never able to accept our new partner completely and may always have unfair expectations. If your ex is in your life only to subconsciously taunt and confuse you, maybe you should cut ties with them completely so you can officially move on and stop comparing apples to oranges.
- Be Equitable
- If you find yourself not wanting to cut off ties with your ex (for whatever reason), be fair and hold the same rule for your new partner. Ask yourself, “How would I feel about this?” Be sure your new partner understands the capacity of your relationship with your ex and try not to be defensive about it, but rather understanding and allowing of them to have their own reaction to it. Together, you may be able to establish a compromise with comfortable boundaries for all.
- Keep Boundaries EXTREMELY Clear
- It is not appropriate to maintain a “friend with benefits” relationship with an ex when you are starting a new relationship with someone else. It suggests you do not take your new relationship seriously and insecurities will most likely cause ruptures in your new relationship. When engaging in a “friends with benefits” relationship with an ex, be sure to be extremely clear about what your relationship is and isn’t.
Of course there are many more scenarios, as well as other complications I did not discuss. With that being said, just try to remember that not all relationships with ex’s are “bad” or “disrespectful” to your new partner, but they can (and will) cause issues within yourself and/or in your new relationship if you aren’t reflecting and understanding of your own intentions.
18 thoughts on “The Ex: Should You Stay Friends With Them?”
A great question and one that many people ponder over. Quite frankly, there is not a one-size-fits-all approach possible here. To each his own, I would say! There are many different factors at play here, for instance, how you ended the relationship is one important consideration that can help you decide on whether to stay connected with your ex or call it quits forever.
Great points and I completely agree, there is “no one-size-fits-all answer”, just a lot to consider. Thanks for your input!
Thanks for sharing
I guess it will be a bad decision!!!
Not every situation is the same, consider the points and reflect on how it may impact you and your situation. Thanks for reading!
If you are currently in a relationship, and out of respect for the partner you are with, I would recommend that you do not. Exes are exes for a reason.
Thanks for reading and sharing your input.
Having an ex in the equation can open up an emotional connection. If you look at it from a scientific standpoint every nerve has a memory of connections. These are called neural connections, when we go back and start a past habit, relationship or pattern this connections is rekindled. The connection builds a bigger groove in the nervous system and subconscious mind of the participants and can rekindle old emotions thus obstructing emotional connections with the other partner.
hi guys, i just broke up with my ex partner. because i lied n cheated on her. but before she decided not to take me back in her life. we had a talk n made out. n suddenly she changed her mind. she didnt want me anymore. coz apparently she never going to get over what ive done to her. few days after we broke up. she rang me and she just want to be friends. which i dunno why she wants to be friends with me after what ive done to her. and she wants me to let her know if i ever meet someone. why?! sometimes i have a feeling that she still like n thinking about me. ( i moved interstate after me n her broke up).
Stay in touch especially if there are children involved.
I am writing to get some advice as a woman on my current situation, I am currently dating my partner of a year , who has been divorced 7 years ago … however his ex wife still has a key to his house and does various helping tasks for him. He has never asked me to take over this role and I am actually fairly offended by his choice in asking his ex with his personal tasks. I have mentioned the fact I do not feel ok with this type of behaviour and how it’s potentially going to drive me away as I feel there has been no closure to their relationship. I find it very disrespectful for him to confide in her to take on personal tasks yet I have no contact with my ex in anyway, and I’m almost certain if the shoe was on the other foot he would not be overly happy about the arrangements. Does anyone have any advice on this topic And what I should do? I’m considering ending the relationship if it doesn’t stop as it’s really just insulting my character at this point. Thanks ladies and gents
Noone has the right answer. Always listen to yourself and follow your inner voice.
This is Amazing content. Great blog.
Really useful information in there.. Thank you Alysha for sharing this.
When it comes on true love it is very important to know what is true love in reality.Your relation is true or not.You may know the difference between true love and infatuation.
Here’s my story and I could use a little (make that a lot) of advice.
The woman I was recently dating broke up with me a couple of weeks ago.
The back story:
We met online (wish there were a better story here).
From day 1, the conversation flowed freely and there was never any awkwardness, or feelings of “pulling teeth” to keep it flowing.
After 2 weeks of increasing, feeling charged texting and phone calls, we finally met in person.
All I can say is……..wow! She is beautiful!
We sat and talked for 4 hours that night. I went to her house for dinner the next night, as we couldn’t wait to see each other again.
From the get go, she had told me that she had some reservations and hesitations of entering into a serious, long term relationship, as she had only been single again, for about 2-3 mos. The reason she had gone online, was she was beginning to feel cynical about men and that perhaps the type of man/relationship she had sought her entire adult life, didn’t really exist.
Anyway, we fell fast, furious and head over heels for each other. We shared a like passion for love and the intensity and passion between us was absolutely amazing. She told me, I gave her everything she had been looking for. Honesty, vulnerability, sharing of feelings and thoughts, romance and the passion for her, from me was exactly what she was looking for.
We fit together easy. There was never an awkward moment. Even the first time we were intimate together, there was none of the fumblings and nervousness. It was like we had been together for years.
Fast forward a few months. Her feelings of doubt, hesitation and reservations had begun to take hold of her. We got together almost 3 weeks ago now, and talked about it. Not that it was what I wanted, but we came to the agreement that for now, we needed to call it off. She said she wasn’t ready for a relationship and it wasn’t fair to me, as she knew I was so much more ready.
We’ve stayed in touch and I can tell by her messages and the couple of times we’ve talked on the phone, that she still has feelings for me.
I feel this woman is so worth waiting for and taking the time to let her sort out her feelings. She has expressed to me, that some of her feelings of no trust, may stem from her work with refugees and the trauma they have gone through and experiencing that vicariously through them. She is a social worker, by the way.
Am I crazy for wanting to wait?
Can any women out there relate to this and help me to understand a bit better?
I am a man who has a “need” and “desire” for solutions and answers.
It’s OK to stay friends long as u don’t criss the inappropriate line.