Ask a Relationship Therapist : Do you have questions about your relationship or about relationships in general?
Ask a Relationship Therapist your questions about love, intimacy, couples, situationships, insecurities, and more. Leave a comment below (anonymously if you’d like) or email Alysha directly.
*Please note, by Alysha answering your questions, she is only offering suggestions or perspective based on her scope of expertise. Alysha is not liable for the outcome of your situation and the answers she provides is not counseling. Alysha also cannot answer all of your questions, but will try. Thank you for reading.
Ask a Relationship Therapist: Question #1
Hey Alysha! Thank you for writing such an informative blog. It’s been helpful to me since I found it over a year ago. I wanted to ask a question specific to my relationship. I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over 3 years and he doesn’t seem like he wants to get married or make a bigger commitment to me. It’s devastating and I am afraid I am wasting my time if he one day just says he doesn’t want to be together anymore. When I ask about marriage, he generally gets defensive or tells me that he wants us to be a stronger or better couple before settling down. What does this mean?? Am I wasting my time??
-Alex, 29, AZ
Hi Alex! Thank you for reaching out with such a complex question. Given that I do not know your partner’s perspective, I can only speculate based on what I have helped many other couples with in this position. Three years often feels like a really long time and on some levels it is. However, on other levels, you really are still learning about each other and this may be what he is alluding to when he says he wants to be “stronger or better” couple. I can imagine that language is triggering, because you may hear this as a criticism or rejection; but I’m curious if his overall intention is wanting to articulate his desire to feel more understood, more at ease or comfortable emotionally, more confident about your overall conflict resolution, more align with your sex life and needs, established in your roles, etc, etc. Often when one person is struggling with the idea of “moving to the next level” in their relationship, it is because there is either an unspoken energy that feels off that they cannot identify or articulate and they hope after time it will just click; or because they can identify what feels off but are too afraid to communicate it because it often sparks conflict, resentment or hurt feelings. Often times, when a couple struggles with finding mutual validation, they struggle with finding solutions to issues that seem constant and they naturally struggle with doubting their future in their relationship, i.e. “Can we really never see eye to eye for the rest of our lives?” I think both of you are valid in your desires. You want marriage because you probably value the tradition and believe it will support you in feeling more secure in your relationship; he may want the same thing but may desire better communication and understanding consistently. I’d say, work on your overall conflict resolution with each other first and know that the marriage topic in it of itself is not what you are probably in conflict about. Try counseling. It may really help you both break down this “issue” and help you both understand you may be talking about the same thing (wanting more security) but need it in different ways. There is a way to bridge that gap! Hope this helps!
Ask a Relationship Therapist: Question #2
Hi Alysha! Thanks for offering this as an option! I am so excited to ask a relationship therapist this question that I have been struggling with about my consistent dating patterns. I always seem to be really attracted to men who seem (on paper) to have it all. They have a successful career, has a house, is really good looking and in shape, and has a lot of friends. But the problem I am finding is after a few dates (and after we hook up), I am super excited about the potential of having a future relationship and want to hang out more and more, while he seems to get more and more distant or in some cases, really neglectful or rude. I feel so deceived! My mom says I need to “lower my standards” but that just makes me feel like I’m not worthy of this type of successful man. What am I doing wrong?
-M.T., 30, CA
Hey M.T.,
I hear you. You’re feeling really conflicted with what you feel you “want” vs what you are getting. When it comes to relationships, it can be really discouraging when you find yourself in a pattern that only causes more and more isolation and insecurities. It sounds like what you think you “want” may need some restructuring. What I mean by this is re-evaluating your needs verses wants and being really truthful with yourself about why you want or need these things from a relationship/partner. It is common (and tricky) to be single in a culture where there is endless eye candy that seemingly have it all. You are most likely using apps that instantly link you to hundreds of these men every day and it can seem as though “lowering your standards” is not an option. I can’t speak for your mother, but I wonder if her intention of saying that was to help you better align with more fundamental values rather than getting caught up on the more superficial “wants” of a partner. She may be trying to tell you to stop barking up the wrong trees.
When you say that you are struggling with finding a man who stays interested in you, it may be because your intentions of dating are different from their’s. This may not have anything to do with how “successful” or attractive he is; but it may have everything to do with where he is in his life and at what capacity he is emotionally. Some people are on these apps to feed their egos, to fulfill temporary loneliness, to hook up, to find true love. There is a huge disparity in these intentions and it may be a safe assumption to say, the men you have been getting attached to are men that are not valuing the same things and have different intentions of starting a connection with you. Maybe, instead of habitually scrolling through profiles, take some time off. Create a list of qualities you want in a partnership (maybe a list of more superficial “wants” verses fundamental “needs,” i.e. “want a guy who works out often, verses I need a man who values commitment and loyalty.”) Then, maybe make 1-2 days a week that you intentionally look through profiles and try to find matches based on your needs verses your wants, i.e. “Does this person indicate that they are looking for a future relationship? Or are they more interested in hooking up?” If you desire a future relationship, also try to hold off on having sex too quickly in the relationship so you can determine if these person’s intentions are align with your’s. I hope this helps! M.T.!
Ask a Relationship Therapist: Question #3
Hi, I need to end the 12 year relationship I have had with my girlfriend as I have grown increasingly unhappy over the last 1-2 years
We have a mortgage together and are pretty much just like a married couple that have never married. This is not a case of the relationship going bad with arguments or bad feeling towards each other, I just feel that my feelings have changed and my heart is no longer in it and that I don’t have feelings for her the way I should.
I have no idea how to go about ending it but its something I know i need to do,the burden of what I am planning on doing and the hurt this will cause her is making me feel so guilty and causing me anxiety. We have holidays booked which she is so excited about a pet dog which we both love to bits and the mortgage our lives are so connected the task of splitting is scary.
I still care for her and have love for her, but I don’t feel for her the way she deserves and it’s not right. I am dredding hurting her and was looking for some advise on how best to break the news.
Any advise will be helpful as I need to get this done as soon as possible
It’s really effecting me personally when I think about splitting my heart speeds up, I am starting to feel the strain of my home life people in work are asking if I am ok as my mood is low.-Gareth
Hey Gareth,
This sounds like an incredibly conflicting and challenging place to be in. I hear you; you love this person so much but not in the way you’d both probably desire. This is tough for you! A question to ask yourself before having any conversation “Is this really non-repairable? Is there anything that could change that would make me see her with a fresh pair of eyes? Is the willingness to re-ignite the spark completely gone?” No judgment on any of these answers by the way; but I think it is important to really be honest with yourself and ask. If you come to the same answers as before, here are some suggestions to consider when having this convo.
The why is going to be really important to identify and explain when expressing your desire to get out of the relationship. She’s going to want to try to understand the why even if you can’t fully explain it. It’s helpful for us as humans to rationalize something in order to work through it, so even if your only “reason” is to vulnerably express to her that you “fell out of love,” it’s better than nothing. You need to be honest. Try not to fall into the cliche “it’s not you, it’s me” talk and really try to help her understand what the source of your unhappiness really is about… no matter how difficult.
One thing that could also be really helpful is communicating to her your remorse, while taking accountability in the unhappiness you have been feeling the last couple years. I’m sure she has contributed to your feelings at times, but the source of the disconnect is something you both contributed to in your own ways. Ex: Did you ever tell her you were feeling this way? If so, how might you not have vulnerably communicated the severity of these feelings? If not, how did keeping this to yourself affect your relationship and its current state? Own your part. It’s going to be helpful to not come at her with blame, (even if that is all she initially hears).
The other thing to mention is, work on acceptance. You have to accept that this conversation is going to be one of the hardest things you have ever done no matter how much you prepare for it. You will most likely feel guilt, relief, sadness, regret, excitement, fear, happiness, etc. This is a life altering decision that is going to come with a lot of emotions for both of you. Give her time to process before discussing the practicalities of mortgage, pet, etc, etc. She will most likely need time to react and marinate before making any practical decisions with your future separation. Accept this is going to be a process and will most likely not be a quick and easy end.
I hope this is helpful.. Please know that you are brave for acknowledging these feelings and facing the reality of bringing this to her attention.
55 thoughts on “Ask a Relationship Therapist”
Hi
I need to end the 12 year relationship I have had with my girlfriend as I have grown increasingly unhappy over the last 1-2 years… (See above)
I was in a six-year relationship with my now ex. The first two years we were just fighting non-stop, mostly because of me. Almost everything I did or said was wrong. But I loved him, and every time we would have a fight, he would want to break up with me and not talk to me and I would come grovelling at his feet to forgive me. He always would, and we’d go back to being lovey-dovey and then I would do or say something wrong again. By our third year, things started getting better. There were fewer fights. everything became smooth sailing. And then came our last year together. I quit my job and worked somewhere else, met new people and then realized I wasn’t happy with him anymore. That it was just convenient to stil be with him because why not? I thought long and hard about it and realized that I should not stay just because I felt the six years of being with him going to waste. I imagined that the rest of my life would be a waste if I still spend it with him even though we clearly were not happy anymore.
If you’re still in the crossroads, take heart. You will hurt her by being truthful, but you will hurt her more in the long run if you don’t end it soon. You clearly care for her still, and that’s just right. But you both will be happy to be out of the relationship if you cannot give your all into it. I guess my comment is a bit late so I hope you have done what you are supposed to do by now. Best of luck to you.
Hi G- please see your response above. Thank you for reaching out.
My husband was having an affair for about 4 yrs. i always suspected but he would say that it’s all my misconception. Eventually everything came out in the open. During the years of his affairs I was left alone, we hardly had sex or any sort of intimate acts. I ended up sleeping with a sex guy. When the truth about his affair came out, the person he was with choose to stayed in her marriage.
I asked him if who he would have choose, he said the other woman. After she ended everything he decided to let’s give the marriage another chance, but never made any attempt to try and work things out with me not put in any effort to make the marriage work. I felt the only reason he stayed with me and in this marriage was because the other person don’t want him and he needed someone to be there for him.
It has been 5 yrs now since I found out the truth and I still cannot feel that he wants to be with me. About 2 yrs I started to talk to a friend, one thing led to another, the friend ended everything with me. It the same thing all over again with me looking for comfort and someone to show me some sort of love and appreciation.
I would like to end my marriage now? I feel like I will continue to be looking for someone to show me how special I am. I don’t want to be the kind of woman that is in a loveless and unfulfilling marriage and one that sleeps around. Please advise. I have a 10 yr old child
Tips for Better Relationship.
Tips for better understanding.
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Hey I loved the article this is very inspiring. It’s so hard to find love these days
hi, i am in a single parent with 2 children and in a relationship with a married family man. i love him more than anything. there r times when i cnt reach him due to his family commitments. sometimes feel complex against his wife. emotional issues, mental stress. but i cnt live without this man. we have been together for 6 years now. pls guide me on how to deal with myself without being a burden on him.
So I don’t know who to ask this question so here I go… I’ve been unhappy in my relationship ever since I became a mother basically… I wasn’t ready and my child’s father wouldn’t let me think for myself at the moment. So anyways fast forward 3 years later I finally got out of my financial bind and got a large inheritance. should I give him some of the winnings to kind of cushion the blow of me leaving him or should I just leave with my money and child and leave him high and dry? I really need some answers. Thanks!
I think is has the best advices for all the women. It really helps a lot by this advices. I love it!!
Dear Alysha,
I’ve been seeing this guy for two months who I see on a daily basis due to being in the same program. We both agreed that we wanted to take it slow as I’ve been burned in the past and he’s never had a serious relationship before. However, I’m very confused because his behaviour is very inconsistent, meaning that one day he acts like he’s totally into me and the other, like he doesn’t care at all. I’ve talked to him about it and he said that he’s not ready for a relationship however, does have strong feelings towards me and is trying to figure out if he can make things work. I’m ok with waiting for him to figure it out however, am I waiting in vain? What if months pass by and things remain the same? If he does really like me, why won’t he fully commit? He’s basically at my house every day and has introduced me to alot of important people in his life, moreover, we both agreed to not see other people. So, pretty much, it’s like we are in a relationship already, so why won’t he put a title on it? Why can’t I stop stressing about not having a title and why am I so insecure about us? Lastly and very worrisome, is the fact that we haven’t slept together yet. He wants to wait because he said that unlike with his past girls, he wants this to be more than a hook up or one night stand. However, I can’t help but wonder, does he just not want to sleep with me because he’s unsure and doesn’t want to complicate things when he has to see me every day? And if that’s the case, should I back out now and if so, how do I do it considering that we’re stuck together for a minimum of 2 years? Alysha, should I give up or give it more time and if i give it more time, how do I stop stressing? I really like this guy and don’t know what to do.
Sincerely,
Saretta
Hi Saretta,
This sounds conflicting for sure. You are in a tough spot trying to identify your own needs and wants, as well as his’. One thing I want to reflect is, you mentioned in the beginning of this question that you “both agreed to take things slow” for valid reasons; you have been burned, he has never been in a serious relationship before. You also agreed to “not see other people.” So this is your (confusing) answer: you are in a relationship that is taking things slow because you both have fears. This is why you are stressing and reading into every mixed message; this is why he may not be wanting to sleep together. The thing that seems really conflicting is he agrees to these terms, yet tells you “he isn’t ready for a relationship.”
In my opinion, you are in a relationship; it just may not be a relationship that feels secure.
If this confusing relationship makes you feel uncomfortable, then I’d suggest you revisit and identify what “taking it slow” means to both of you and identify the conflicting messages that both of you may be putting out there in the relationship.
I would also identify what you want. If you are wanting more from him and your commitment, you need to be ready to take risks in this relationship to see if it can grow. By waiting for each other to make the first move will continue to keep you in this holding pattern forever.
Dear Alysha,
Thank you for your response. I was pretty reassured by it. However, I’m in the position of asking too much of you again and asking for your help. On Friday, he came to my house and I asked him if he was ever going to kiss me that day and he gave me a plain “no”. So, I asked him to talk and I said I just needed some consistency and affection, even just sometimes, because I was willing to wait. And he said he didn’t think he could do this. He said that he wasn’t sure he would ever be ready to commit. He said that he really liked me but the urge to make it more didn’t come. So, I said we should be friends and he said ok and that he was sorry. But then, he didn’t want to leave my place. I saw him later that nigth at a party and he was piss drunk, telling everyone we knew that he fucked everything up and was an idiot. I started talking to some guy and he came to me, pulled me aside, and said I shouldnt talk to him and that he cares me and i said i didnt care and he started crying and walked out. Yesterday, he came to pick up his stuff from my house and his eyes were all red when he showed up and i said he shouldnt be sorry because it was never anything really real and he looked upset. And we texted after and I said, clearly i wasnt the right person and we should just be friends and he said i guess you’re right and now on his spotify i see he’s listening to all these sad songs. I’m so confused and I’m so hurt. Especially because when he came over he said that he acknolwedged that i loved him and that he felt the same. I get he was scared but he didn’t even try. How can he claim he loves me when doesnt even want to try? And now he has the audacity to be sad about it? He could have fixed it. I tried so hard. Is this all my fault because he just needed more time? We agreed to be friends. But, how do I look at him and not love him? How do I pretend? I have to see him everyday. How do I go back to regular life when he was a major part of it? All I want, is not a title, just for him to realize he does want to try. I didnt need the title nor want it, just having him was enough. I just felt rejected all the time because he would never try. And I know I deserve someone who would try, but I don’t want anyone but him. I don’t know where to go from here. Should I give up believing that one day he’ll come around and truly accept that friends is all we’re ever gonna be?
Yours truly,
Saretta
Dear Alysha,
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for just over 2 yrs. He’s really great, and we really love each other. I used to think we had the perfect relationship, but recently I’ve been feeling a little taken advantage of. I’m a very generous person and I tend to have high expectations, and I know I’ll realistically be let down every now and then because hes only human. But sometimes it just feels like if I dont ask him to do even the most basic things they just wont happen. Like “could you please show up on time?” I just want him to prioritize us and our relationship and feel like I’m his #1 priority (like hes always telling me), but every time I bring it up we just argue. I dont want to let myself be walked all over! That being said, he is very sweet and will sometimes bring me flowers if he knows I’ve had a hard day and things like that. What do I do??
Hi Sophia,
This sounds frustrating and rather hurtful for you. Is there a possibility that your partner is trying to show you are his main priority in his own way? It can often be difficult to see each other’s attempts at love if you are looking for specific ways in which you expect to be shown and they are doing something different. (Have you heard of the Love Languages? Take the quiz here ) I also think that sometimes when we are upset with our partner we often don’t realize that we could be subconsciously triggered by past hurts and because we are super sensitive to them, we project our insecurities and fears onto them. Is there a possibility you may have sensitivities to feeling “taken advantage of/being walked over?” If so, take a look at that. Not to say your partner can’t make alterations and be more mindful, but it’s good to consider all angles, especially if you are struggling with feeling prioritized in your relationship.
Hi Alysha. I recently came across your blog and it has helped a lot since. But there was one topic I was unable to find.
Recently my girlfriend was sexually harassed by a male friend and since then more then her, I’ve had issues forgetting about that. Also to avoid anything like this from happening in the future, I always seem to control her and tell how what to do and what not to. Also, my anxiety levels have skyrocketed. How can I move on from that incident and let her be without being too controlling and worried all the time?
Hi Rijul. I am very saddened to hear about her experience. I hear you– this is tough on both of you for different reasons. Makes sense that you are scared and anxious about it happening again. I’d suggest going to couples therapy to help address this trauma effectively together/individually, while working on setting boundaries with outsiders, as well as each other so you don’t fall into a controlling pattern. She may not be ready to address the trauma in couples therapy, and if so, you can always go individually. This is called secondary trauma, and even though you yourself, did not experience the event, doesn’t mean it hasn’t affected you. I think it’s great you have self awareness around this and you sound like you are doing your best to not over step any triggers with your girlfriend.
so I have issuse with commiting to someone when it comes to relationships , but my best friend has always kept real and intouch making sure to always reconnect and know what’s going on with each other. it’s doesn’t matter who I’m with I always make the time to talk to him. we constantly clicked since the first day we had met eachother all the way till the last time we seen eachother……he had sadly made a move back in 2016 making his way to Florida as I live in Kentucky but he still calls me , messages , and video chats. me and him has finally started talking in relationship terms and now wants me to move in with his family and I’m ready to do it. I would love to be next to him 24/7 but how do I know that he is on the same page as me. I’m not looking for a hook up with him or a short term relationship I’m looking for a long lasting relationship but I don’t know what kind of questions to ask and what response would be the correct one , could you guys help me out?
That’s right, What I mean by this is re-evaluating your needs verses wants and being really truthful with yourself about why you want or need these things from a relationship/partner. It is common (and tricky) to be single in a culture where there is endless eye candy that seemingly have it all. You are most likely using apps that instantly link you to hundreds of these men every day and it can seem as though “lowering your standards” is not an option. I can’t speak for your mother, but I wonder if her intention of saying that was to help you better align with more fundamental values rather than getting caught up on the more superficial “wants” of a partner. She may be trying to tell you to stop barking up the wrong trees.
Dear Alysha,
About two years ago I developed a fat crush on a guy who I was pretty good friends with. I moved away for school but still go back to my hometown frequently where he is also from. I have not been able to stop thinking about him for the past two years. Months after I graduated he messaged me (on snapchat, in reply to one of my posts) and said he wanted to hang out and I assured him that I also wanted to see him and hang out sometime. He did not do/say anything after so we never hung out. We did not speak for months but he messaged me again and the same thing went down. He inviited me to hang out but never actually did anything to make it happen or message me to confirm plans. Is there any idea on why he always pops up out of nowhere to message me and say he wants to “hang out” but then never does? He even told me he asked a mutual friend of ours to let him know everytime i come back to town. He wants to keep tabs on me but then never follows through with anything, why might that be?
Hi Michelle,
I have a couple different speculations. 1) He may not be really committed to seeing you or exploring where things go. Whether he is being lazy, or is involved with someone(s) else, he is only acknowledging your presence on snapchat because it’s directly in his face and then he continues to live his life without thinking about you in-between. OR 2) He is really into you but struggles with confidence and doesn’t know how to officially ask you out. My suggestion? You have absolutely nothing to lose, so just ask him out yourself and see where it goes. If he fails to officially make a commitment to see you, then you know your answer. But if he follows through, then maybe he was just nervous about how to pursue you. Good luck!
Hey, looking for advice. I have been with my boyfriend coming up 4 years, we have lived together for 2 years. Our relationship was perfect in the beginning, I noticed my boyfriend loling another girls pictures on Instagram so I confronted him, he said he didnt see the issue and it all came out that we both feel like friends, when we kiss or have sex it feels like were just doing it for the sake of it we both feel the same, we have both agreed to try and change and make it work. My boyfriend is a bodybuilder it’s an extremely selfish sport and feel like he stopped making effort. I genuinely think we can make this work, putting more effort in and making sex more exciting rather than right were in bed let’s do it. I suppose we just dont know how to go about trying to fix this, I think every day life and stress has been put before our relationship and we have now caused this to happen.
When I try to talk to him he doesn’t really say much, he just says he loves me and he is happy we have just lost the spark, I tell him what we need to change and he just agrees with me. The only thing I got from him was he said when he spoke to his friend about it his friend said you cant stay with someone because you dont want to hurt them, and his friend said from what my boyfriend was saying he still has feelings for me.
Although I believe we can get through this there is still slight doubt, what if? We just dont really know what steps to take to change this. I know it will take time. Do you have any advise?
For me personally, Love spells has helped me and my husband stayed committed to our marriage. Its fifth year and its been beautiful so far. I can recommend anyone to a psychic that helped me.
I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and sold my house near the city to move into his home in the country. After my house sold and before it closed I discovered that he had been viewing porn on several occasions although he has no interest in having sex with me. We discussed it and after repeatedly stating that he had not been doing this he finally admitted that he did and that the only reason he did was that he had low self esteem but promised that it would never happen again. He has also been unemployed for 15 months now and does not put in much effort in finding employment. I believe he is continuing to view porn via his cell phone but when asked he said he has not. We cannot seem to go 24 hours without having some kind of argument. I realize that I may not be the easiest person to live with do not ever feel like my feelings matter or that he takes any responsibility for his actions. An example would be that I have repeatedly told him that I do not feel safe when he talks on his cell and texts, his reply “Everyone does it” and “I’ve seen you do that a month ago”. He drinks everyday or almost everyday. If I mention it than I’m wrong again. He says that I am secretive as I will not divulge the amount in my savings account. He also says that I am a poor communicator. My feelings on this are that I do not bring up some subjects as they are guaranteed to be an argument creator. We are now at almost 2 months without any kind of intimacy and the arguments never seem to end. He tells me that I never touch him and I explain that I don’t for fear of rejection. He seems to think it is ok for him to be out in his shed drinking with buddies until 2 or 2:30 in the morning or having some marijuana while I sit in the house and says at least I know where he is. I have no friends here and my family is 90 minutes away. Trying very hard to find another home within my price range but live in an area where there is a very low vacancy rate. I have some savings and only work part time.
Hello. I am looking for advice. I am married for 23 years. I was 17 and my husband was 24 when we married. Very young. My husband is usually the one easy going and all this years he let me to be in the charge of our lives. I raised three kids and now that kids are big, my husband is the one needy ones. I am just tired of taking care of anyone anymore. I came to the point in life where I need someone to take care of me. For instance, if I do not buy Christmas presents, no one will get presents. I end up usually the only one without present as there is no one to buy me. I believe that I outgrow this marriage. Please advice. Thank you. AB 40
I’m dating the love of my life. We dated when we were 16 and loved each other then. Now we’re back together at 37 and have been for 5 months. She’s recently out of a marriage and I am 2 years out of a marriage. We just bought a house together and moved in. We seemed wonderful. Minor disputes easily solved and then one day (About 3 or 4 days ago) she just started pulling away. We’ve been trying to get pregnant to no avail and that is disappointing us both. I tried like hell to get her to talk to me and she won’t. We went from texting each other all day to me maybe getting 3 texts all one or two words from her. She is cold and dispassionate about everything to do with me. She says we’re fine, there are just problems of hers that she needs to deal with and she doesn’t want my help. My problem is I have no idea how to just switch off my feelings like that. I feel empty and alone and she seems like she couldn’t care less. I want to give her space and not bombard her with love (notes, texts, gifts, etc) and just be there for her and that’s what I’m doing but it’s killing me inside…gut wrenching can’t eat can’t sleep zero energy can’t focus on anything else killing me. I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. How do I stay and love her through this?? Every survival instinct and self preservation instinct in me says to run because it hurts so much but I can’t do that. Please help me, I’m begging.
Hi Jeff,
I’m sorry for the delayed response. I hope that you can find some help in it still. This sounds brutal… SO painful and confusing. It’s hard when our partners express one thing but behave in a completely different way. I hear you completely. My sense is that she may be struggling with all of the newness in her life, as well as the possibility of not being able to get pregnant which may also be a “new” realization. Infertility can make many people suffer in unexplainable ways, because the pain is something they don’t quiet have any experience processing. I wonder if you could just tell her your feelings in a text or email, and express your concern as well as your own needs for being a TEAM and powering through whatever she is struggling with, together. It isn’t fair that she is leaving you hanging, but it may need to be addressed head on in order for you to express to her that you are here for her. Maybe she has never really had the ability to rely on someone for comfort and this is a learning curve for her, regardless of how much she loves you. I do hope you find the patience in yourself to be brave enough to express how you feel before walking away. Good luck.
Dear Alysha,
I would really appreciate some insight and perspective on this problem of mine.
This guy who I had a few dates with last year responded to my text to catch up with an enthusiastic yes. He also mentioned that he had a girlfriend and would have to ask her but that it ‘shouldn’t be too much of an issue’. I did not know about the girlfriend. Now I am wondering about his intentions. We did really like each other but had to stop seeing each other because it became a long-distance relationship. Now I am moving back to where he lives hence why I texted to catch up. I don’t understand why you would want to meet with an ex if you are happy in your relationship. I don’t want to hurt anyone by agreeing to meet. Should I meet with him bearing in mind that I would like to keep in touch (but under no circumstances get involved with his relationship!)?
We weren’t friends before (we dated) so I am confused as to what his intentions are?
Many thanks,
Mia
Hi Mia! That sounds super confusing! I’m sure there’s a lot to this situation that we don’t understand, but I’m going to do my best to try to fill in the blanks. I wonder if he is keeping his options open but in a “safe way.” For example, maybe he’s interested in rekindling something with you but because he’s in a relationship he has all his bases covered by telling you about her, and telling his GF about your meeting. Maybe he’s just trying to determine if there’s a connection with you still, and if so, he may end his relationship. If not, he doesn’t “lose” because he was “transparent and honest” so no one can have any expectations or misunderstandings. If you never had a friendship, there really isn’t a platonic connection to reignite, so I think your suspicions about his intent are valid. If you wouldn’t appreciate him meeting with an ex if you were in a relationship with him, I’d say don’t go. If you’d like to meet him causally once to get a better understanding, I’d caution you to protect your feelings and keep your emotional distance. Either way, I’d suggest you say to him that you’re not comfortable with pursuing any kind of relationship with him until he’s single to avoid complicating anything or getting hurt. Good luck!
Thanks Alysha for your prompt response.
You have given me a lot of clarity with my situation and now I know what my next steps should be!
You basically confirmed my gut instinct so I can attest to your sharp perception as a relationship therapist.
Thank you for taking the time to respond and sharing your insight-it is much appreciated.
Mia
Dear Alysha,
I have started a new relationship with my best friend of 4 years who I adored even when we were just friends. We are now boyfriend and girlfriend and have been dating nearly 3 months but seeing each other for far longer. I was on a night out extremely drunk and kissed two boys, both of which I was saying I had a boyfriend and believe I was trying to stop it. I honestly have no idea why I did it and cannot fathom any reason for doing so – I would never want to to be with anyone else except him and would never cross my mind doing it sober (or I thought drunk as well) as I love our relationship and I feel it is everything I want in one, he is the best thing that has happened to me and treats me like every girl should be treated. I haven’t told him and don’t plan on doing so as he is genuinely so much better than that and doesn’t deserve to feel horrendous or not worthy. I think we could work through it as I will marry him eventually and we constantly talk about the future together. I have never felt so awful and I think living with it alone is a huge punishment which I fully deserve. Please let me know your thoughts? Many thanks, Lydia
Hello Lydia, this sounds like a very conflicting space to be in. You adore and value your relationship and partner, yet found yourself crossing boundaries subconsciously. This may indicate that you have a pattern of sabotaging your own happiness, particularly with relationships, and it may be worth exploring in your own counseling so this doesn’t happen again. I think we need to understand our WHYS of our actions to learn lessons from our behaviors. Whether or not you ever tell him about this, it’s so important that you forgive yourself and recommit fully to your relationship.
Dear Alysha,
On New Years Eve, I met a man who I believe to be the one I’ve been looking for my whole life. When we first started seeing each other, I was hesitant because he is younger than me and is an exchange student from Ireland, who will be returning to his home country in June. However, I quickly let my guard down because we had a very strong connection and he consistently showed me that I could trust him and rely on him.
Recently, I was leaving for a work trip and prior to, he told me he fell in love with me. After I came back however, he was very distant and admitted that he realized how hard it would be when he went back to Ireland not only because of the distance but because we’re both so busy with trying to figure out our lives. He also admitted that he wasn’t sure about how ready he was to be in such a committed relationship seeing as he felt like he didn’t truly know who he was as an individual. So, we agreed to break it off with the hope that maybe, in the future, we would find each other again when the time was right.
Part of me knows that if I do care about him, I should let him go, however, the other part of me is absolutely terrified that I lost such a great guy and is scared that we’re not going to end up together, especially as I know that I’ll always be thinking about him. On a side note, while I know that he is trying to be rational, I’m slightly hurt that he didn’t even bother to try long distance and instead, just took the easy route out.
What should I do? Is there anything I can do? Please help.
Sincerely,
Sara
Hey Sara,
Thanks for your question. I am assuming he is still here, correct? *Until this June?
If he is still here but you both have chosen to “break it off” I’d say you still have an opportunity to find some clarity. If he is still here (and maybe even if he isn’t), I think it would be important that you expressed everything you just expressed here in this question. You are conflicted; a part of you understands his concerns and the logical side of you wants to let him discover himself, while the emotional part of you is scared that you lost out on an amazing connection. You can also express to him that you don’t have certainty on how you’d like the future to pan out and because you are also human, you can’t control the outcome… But what you can do, is have a convo about how you both are feeling/what both of you are thinking and just see where that leads you. He told you he was in love with you! Then backed away– which says he is scared, too. I’d say, don’t be afraid to confront him with your feelings. Worst case, you live with the “what if” that creates anxiety and doubt for time to come if you never confront this. Best case, you both admit your fears and desires, and possibly have the clarity by June as to how you’d realistically like to proceed with making sacrifices to be together. If he isn’t interested in pursuing, you at least know you tried. Hope this helps!
Hello
I am in a situation. 3 months ago my ex dumped me and I even tried to fix things and he refused. I have been trying to go on a no contact but he keeps texting me. I need to know if I need to explain to him 1st before cutting him off completely?
Hello,
It sounds like you are attempting to protect yourself which is why you are not wanting to communicate with him. I think it is important for both of you to have a clarified boundary explained– and then if he does not respect that boundary, then you can proceed with blocking him, not engaging. I think that is helpful for both parties to understand what are the expectations and desired boundary you to are attempting to set. Good luck.
Hi,
I’m 24 and I’ve been in a relationship for 4 years and I don’t think my boyfriend is truly in love with me. When I met him things were simpler we had no careers as yet. As time passed by it was easier for me to grasp onto life than him. I got a job where I’m building a career. Financially he was not stable and I supported him because I love him. Now despite our financial difficulties I always get him a birthday gift or ensure he celebrates his birthday. Now he never once got me anything or celebrated with me for my birthday. He always had some “plausible” excuse that I accepted. We never go out and have date nights and when we’re off work on the weekends he’s rarely home. Now I’m getting angry and feel unappreciated so I stopped doing things I would normally go out of my way to do. I don’t make his favorite breakfast or lunch anymore I put in more hours at work I stopped texting and calling him throughout the day just to check in and nothing has changed. I always thought that it was just the type of person that he was but After his mother moved to the same country as us I saw that he can put in effort into a relationship. She’s here since November of 2019 and he has not missed a weekend with her. He always has time for his family and her. So now I’m behaving bitter and childish and I honestly don’t have a good relationship with his mother or any of his family members.
He is not a terrible person, I just think that our relationship is not going anywhere and I feel like I’m wasting my time. He says that he loves me but idk.
What should I do?
Hi, i need advice for my gilfriend that have a personality disorder, the time i been courting that girl she always sweet to me, and always chatting and calling. So i began to fall in love to this woman and began court her and became in a relationship, but in the time past she began to let her true attitude out, she never been sweet to me, she ignored me, she not answering my call and sometimes she told me I’m annoying that she been watching her tv series on the phone that she told me that am seeking attention to much, do you think I’m overreacting? Or I’m not that a kind of man that she value? She never read your message you she her always online on social media but she never reply your message it’s really hurt sometimes that she nothing to do in summer vacation and just focusing her self in social media rather spending time to her boyfriend.
Hi
Im 39 years, divorced, mother of 2 boys.im very ambitious, enthusiastic individual through my life experience was able to conquer many challenges in my life and i just have a freshing outlook to life. Im studying further hopefully to masters degree Im dating a 34 year old guy i met at work, we have been dating for 1 year 4 months. things didn’t work out for him in regards to his career /job, now he is unemployed, still lives with his mom and dad.
Sometimes i feel like im the guy in the relationship, he is an introvert and sometimes i feel intellectually more matured than him. Sometimes i feel like i have settled. He is a very sweet guy but i dont want to be his mentor nor his adviser because i find myself doing that most of the time in lot of things.
I don’t know if im reading too much into this but emotionally its exhausting. I dont know if its someone i can have a future with, he lacks motivation, ambition. I always suggest courses that he can do for his career. Please help i feel stuck.
Hey.
I want to share something with you regarding love or the illusion of it, if I may.
I have known Donna since we were stand partners in orchestra in high school. After having gotten to know her then, I developed an incredible crush that has lasted 20yrs and counting. Given that she has lived outside the country for the past 7 years, I would perhaps see her 1-2 times a year at most. And it was the last couple of times that I saw her that I noticed how this crush on her has only become clearer every time I would see her. And so 10 months ago, I finally revealed to her how I felt about her and that is when the magic started…
Ok… on the second night, while lying in bed, after having told her how I felt about her I could hear and feel my heart thudding thunderously onto my chest and bed! Given that I was face down into my pillow, I could feel these very strong and intense, yet peaceful, reverberations as if it were on PCP (i have never done that drug but have heard of people thinking they could break through hand-cuffs). Point being was that till this day, I have never ever experienced what happened that night and the physical sensation was extraordinary.
Two…the time we spent before I told her how I felt about her I realized that for the first time in 15 months, since my concussion, I was effortlessly able to be present! And since then, I have been able to be present! And it all started with that afternoon that we spent together.
Lastly…After I told her how I felt about her, we never got to speak about it in person as she was leaving to Uruguay. So this past January I finally had the chance to see her in person and share a coffee in the am. As I walked her home after our coffee, I brought up the topic of how I felt about her as I never got to do so in person. This is where magic starts… I told her that back in high school I did not have self-worth and I just could not tell her how I felt. To this, I heard her respond maybe then was not the right time. At this point, we hugged each other – and while I was sinking into her physical being more and more with every breath, she held me firmly and unaffected. Something in me did not want to let go and when we came out the hug my hands found themselves on her waist. I don’t remember where my eyes were except then I felt her squeeze my hand tenderly and I reciprocated. At this point, I recall looking into her and she said some words but I was so enthralled by what had just happened that I could not register a world she said- yet, all I could see was her beauty! And then as I started walking away, I felt as is gravity was ceasing to exist within my physical being and was feeling each step and footing lighter and lighter as the light in my periphery was becoming too bright and the grass so very vibrant and green! and then the sound of cars were becoming too loud! It was as if my senses were becoming electrified!!! something like having my eyes closed in darkness and then suddenly feeling and perceiving light and feeling like I was going blind!! and I remember thinking that I wanted to stay in this state forever but something in me knew that it would pass. All too extraordinary!
Ok… in the days to come she would tell me that she had never said that maybe then was not the right time along with that she simply did not feel the same way about me (no surprise here as I am the one that had this secret love for her and all this is new to her) and that she cannot entertain that idea as we live in different worlds. Of course not ideal (for my ego); but I understood and respect her sentiment.
…
Is it possible that I hallucinated those words? And is it possible that since I hallucinated those words right in that moment that lead me to feel that this hug and embrace was something magical that elevated my being!?!?!?
From a thudding heart to feeling my senses electrified… none of this I have ever felt in my entire life!
…
And now… there has yet been a day for the past ten months where I have not thought about her. And I have never felt this way about a person and it is as if I am possessed! I feel as if I will think every single day about her for the rest of my life, whether she is with me or not. And thinking about her does not affect the state of my being but does create a void that I feel only she can fill.
Hi
I am a young adult who is doing a degree in psychology many may say I should know how to deal with my problem but I honestly can’t all on my own. I feel in love 3 years ago my partner and I were friends at first before she asked me to be her girlfriend and I said yes of course because she is an amazing person. We promised each other that our friendship should never be broken if anything happens. Now recently she asked me to have an open relationship because she feels trap at first I was not open minded about this I am still trying to come to terms with this but I understand she is young and want to experience life. I honestly been hurt since that day but I am in love with her that I know for a fact and I told her we can try but now my relationship is not in the best place. I need help please, because she wants to be herself but she does not want to hurt me and I want her to be herself but I am deeply in love with her and refuse to end my relationship that was built over the last 3 years.
Hello,
This sounds tough! It sounds like you both have love for each other and want to respect the relationship you have cultivated in the last 3 years, but are struggling with being on the same page about what that means. It could be really helpful for you to ask what having an open relationship means to her. What does it provide her, (or does she think will provide her). It would also be helpful to understand what she means by feeling trapped. Is there something you are doing that she is perceiving as controlling? It will be helpful to define these things as well as understand her intentions before making any assumptions. Maybe she is done being in a romantic relationship with you, but doesn’t know how to express this without hurting your friendship. Maybe she doesn’t know how to express her needs to you. Either way, more communication sounds necessary! Good luck.. I know this is a very tough situation.
Hi,
I would like to ask advise for how to handle the current situation with my boyfriend. We have been together for 2 years. We live in different countries and until travel restrictions came in place, he would normally spend 2 weeks at my house every 6 weeks. He lives with his ex, her new partner and their children. They have been seperated for 4 years. The plan was to seperate the house, so each would have their own living unit. However this has not fully been realized. He has his own space, however no own kitchen, so the whole family eats always together. When I am there (which is not so often because I don´t feel comfortable with her still being the woman of the house), the ex regulary passes through his space, because of laundry, the teenage kids (they sleep on his floor), to chat or to enter/leave the house. She does have a seperate entry, but this is not being used. Now I am no longer able to go there at all, because I come from a so-called risk country (all though I live very isolated in the mountains) and she and her partner demand a 2 week qarentene, when flying in, which does not allow me to see my family or spend time with him and his kids. He just spend 2 weeks qarantene after visiting me and soon I am flying over, but I am not able to see him, because he would have to go back in qarantene unless he keep 1,5 mtr apart all time. I refused to social distance from my boyfriend, because it makes no sense (he was the last person I have been in close contact with and had no other contact at all). I am trying to be understanding of their fears, but at the same time I don´t think it is reasonable that the ex and her partner decide if I can give my boyfriend a hug or not. I really love my boyfriend and have been as flexible as possible, but I feel very excluded from his life and it hurts.
Thank you in advance for your advise,
Sara
Hi Sara,
This sounds so complicated and really disappointing for everyone! As everyone seems to have different opinions and comfort levels with COVID, it seems you are trying to honor their perspective, but you also have needs that aren’t being met in your relationship. I hear you, completely.
Maybe a practical suggestion would be to meet your boyfriend at an Airbnb near by in his area.. spend quality time with him for as long as you both can and then social distance with his kids for outdoor activities? Then, he will have to quarantine for a couple weeks to live back in the house, or they can officially use the separate entrances, etc, and avoid each other for a couple weeks after you have left?
GOOD LUCK… I know it’s not easy right now!
Good day ,
I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 and a half years, We have been fighting alot lately and he asked me on two occasions for a break. The reason we fight is because he cannot make up his mind if he wants to settle down with me. He keeps say next year but it never happens. We both will be turning 30 soon and I’m not sure where I stand,
I tried asking him but he keeps saying he know what he wants from me. Despite our fights we have not broke up. However things have changed alot. He doesn’t even kiss me anymore or try to get intimate. I’m not sure if I should leave and start over.
Hi Alysha,
Im in a great relationship with my
Boyfriend of a few years. Hes really genuine and extremely loving. I trust him a lot but hes friends with his ex and it makes me extremely nervous. She broke up with him and when we had a convo about his past with her she said “he broke her heart” which means i know he really cared for her. They have had to overcome their breakup and they continue to hang out because they share the same friends. they are friendly and keep in touch on occasion. She is also dating someone else for a few years. I cant help but feel like them maintaining a relationship Might mean something more. I have had talks with my boyfriend where hes assured me nothing is to worry about but he gets really annoyed when i bring up the subject of their relationship. I think ive brought it up one too many times and hes at the point where hes annoyed i cant trust him. How can i move on and overcome my feelings of disstrust without pushing my boyfriend away?
Hi Mitch,
This is a tough situation for sure! I see your view of the situation and can completely understand why it would be nerve-racking and uncomfortable. I think these two options (or a combo of the two) may be helpful; 1. Accept that he is friends with his ex and do your absolute best to not feed into the insecure story you have created about “why.” I know easier said than done, but once you can truly accept that they are friends and choose to believe that there is nothing more, the easier it will be for you to live your life with your partner. 2. Make a commitment to yourself and to your partner that you will not project your insecurities onto him or bring up the ex and in exchange, you’re requesting that he may limit or alter his relationship with her. Maybe that looks like he is never alone with her, or that they don’t text/call without him telling you about it. This compromise and agreement helps build transparency and trust that is needed for the two of you work through this. You both need to learn how to validate each other’s experiences (ex: I’m sure it’s really hard for you to feel security when he is still in contact with an ex that broke his heart / I’m sure it’s really challenging for him to feel as though his commitment to you is always being questioned) even if you both don’t agree with each other’s perspectives.
Hope this helps!
Hi Alysha,
My boyfriend of almost 4 years and I recently moved in together. Over the years I have brought up the idea of marriage. He has responded that this is also what he wants. However,I don’t feel he is ready like I am. He has a previous relationship with a girlfriend of 14 years who died of cancer. He was her caretaker and provided and they never married. We have spoken about this and I don’t feel we have the same issues he mentioned that kept him from marrying her. But I still feel he isn’t ready. I’m scared that I will get pigeon holed into a relationship that I am content with and will end up like the former girlfriend. I don’t want that. I want to marry him. But I know if I push the issue I could loose him. Problem is I am ok with that if I am not his choice. I want to be with someone who wants what I want. And I don’t want to force it on him. This is extremely awkward and I’m nervous it will not work out. But I feel it’s necessary for me to stay true to my beliefs and desires. How do I go about letting him know that this is to a breaking point for me? What’s the best way to address this issue?
Hi Faith,
This is a tough dilemma for sure. I think it’s really important for you to identify within yourself why marriage is so important to you– really understand what marriage means to you and what it represents. Then, I would explore why you want to marry this man based on your definitions and values of marriage. This is what you can present to him. Sometimes when we communicate, we talk in symbols that can be misunderstood. It’s important that the two of you discuss what marriage (as a symbol) represents; why you want that with each other and your fears. He may feel less threatened if you can describe to him your desire to feel closer to HIM (through the act and commitment of marriage) rather than possibly coming across as NEEDING to be MARRIED. You may be emphasizing marriage as a step or a concept more than why you want to be married to him. This clarity may help him understand you a lot better and feel less pressured to “do” the act of getting married. Hope this helps!
Hi Alysha,
I’ve been with my current boyfriend for three years. He’s a dream and everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner. We’ve both had our fair share of failed relationships and mistakes in the past. I’ve always loved the fact we could communicate openly about those mistakes and wrongdoings. I’m an open book and I feel like he knows everything there is to know about me. Recently though, I’ve came across some information about his past that he’s never mentioned before and he isn’t aware that I know about this. A couple of months before we started dating he was intimate with a coworker which resulted in a pregnancy and shortly after that a termination of that pregnancy. We have recently discussed future plans of having children and getting married one day. I understand this is in his past but my concern is why he would have never mentioned this to me before. We have had discussions in the past regarding this topic before and he was opposed to that and never mentioned his experience with the matter. I want to let it go but now I feel like I’m hiding a secret not mentioning that I know what happened. I don’t want to bring it up because if he wanted to discuss it I feel like he would have by now. I’m torn on what to do and don’t cover my emotions well so he’ll be able to tell something is off with me.. This information has flipped my world upside down. Should I try me best to internalize this and let this go or talk to him about it?
Hi Alysha,
6 months ago I received an anonymous letter in the mail with proof of my fiance cheating. We were engaged for almost a year at that time and when I confronted him he admitted he had started seeing her 3 months after we got engaged.
We have been together for 8 years but I always felt that there was an incompability between us that we had never addressed. Nevertheless we had seemed happy and there was no pressure from my end for him to propose. He was also never hesitant about the wedding plans and we were looking for a house together already before the letter arrived.
Now my world has been turned upside down and I asked for some time alone. He has been doing lots of reflecting during this time and really wants us to try therapy to try and see if we can resolve this. He appears to be showing remorse over the past 5 months and has expressed full accountability for his actions. Although we only have had minimal contact, he has explained some of his thought processes to me from time to time in the hopes of making this work (his personal flaws which may have lead to this affair, disillusionment with the relationship that skewed his decision-making, etc) .
Despite this, I haven’t been able to come to terms with a couple of things around this (most obviously the fact that he cheated 3 months after we were engaged – after making such a big move in commitment; the fact that he saw her for 9 months and we lived together for a couple months during that time which he didn’t treat me particularly well (like some people who feel guilty would) and had even had arguments about trust (where he implied that I did not trust him regarding something else, even though in hindsight this was very hypocritical since he was already cheating behind my back); the fact that an anonymous party had to look out for me and send me a letter telling me what he did). Though he has been dedicated in self reflecting for 5 months, I cannot help thinking that maybe he is only doing this to save face for himself, knowing that we are engaged with a huge group of mutual friends and family who know both of us well.
I do not want to be naive, and I know I have a good support group to help me through calling this engagement off (my friends and family have expressed their support for whatever decision I choose to make). But just wondering if you have any honest thoughts/advice given your experience with similar situations, and whether there is in fact anything to salvage at this point. Thank you so much.
I liked that you mentioned that finding mutual validation is challenging and important in a relationship. My boyfriend and I are struggling in our relationship but we want to continue to stay together. We would love to go to relationship therapy to learn ways to better communicate and grow our relationship.
Hi! I am pretty young , but i have been in a relationship for almost 7 months. The main reason why im here, is to ask if what he is doing an actual manipulation? Because part of me says that it is completely not normal. Everything was okay at first, as always, but after months we started to be in big arguments, but make it up in the end anyways. Recently, he says “i just don’t feel loved ” and i kind of know what he says about,but. Every time i explain to him everything to every detail why i act the way i do, or when i do something wrong and saying sorry immediately, after which explain to him everything again why and how, he completely closes down, and being extremely upset. I understand that he can’t be happy instantly, but he keeps saying things like ” its whatever, you won, as always”- this is what he says when im trying to explain myself and ask him what can i do, he also says that i can’t do nothing. And this is confuses me, because he remain being upset, and , when he says to me “i can’t f**king do this/i can’t take it anymore”(even though there was no pressure from me and i was being as polite as i could) he brings something up again which is completely different from what i’ve explained. It makes me feel like he never read what i text him, and when i calmly say i need time , after only 40 minutes he starts texting “are you ignoring me again?” and he often pulls up the “just leave me” and says how i feel about him for me , like i don’t love him nor want him. And it’s been like that for a while , i don’t know what to do, i’ve been calm, ive been trying to explain, he doesn’t hear me, basically makes him a victim(but denies it). Also ,when i bring up something he did in the past ( even as a joke) he says “don’t bring this shit up again” , but when he does the same, i keep telling sorry, as you understand, he never takes my sorry as sincere ones , even though ive explained that they are . I seriously don’t know what to do, he will act completely crazy if i will say it all to him, i need someone’s professional help with this , becayse i don’t think i can take this treatment anymore . I mean, i do, but how can i make this better? how can i make him understand that what he does is irrational and manipulative(or at least it feels like it)?
I had the best relationship with my father who died when I was eleven. I have lived my life in waiting for it to start when I find my person to feel safe with and enjoy life together. Sadly, my desire to have a family led me to many unfulfilling relationships. I remember each time one ended telling myself this was just not the right person and I should not give up no matter how hard my heart wanted to never put myself out there again. I am now in a ten-year relationship, married and with two loveliest kids, but keep feeling like I used to fall deeper in love and feel more relaxed. I feel like my heart has hardened and I hate to feel this way now that I am with my man. Please, help.
Thanks for reaching out Olena. Is it possible that you’re subconsciously hardening because you’re trying to protect yourself from getting too close to your husband? Seems like your initial defense was to end relationships, but now that you are married with children for ten years, your next subconscious defense mechanism is to put emotional and physical boundaries around you. With your children getting older, the loss of your father can also trigger wounds of abandonment and fear as they get closer to the age you were when you lost him. How was your mother affected by your father’s passing? This may have also created the subconscious defense mechanism of you pulling away and not allowing yourself to trust (ie. Relax). You’re subconsciously preparing yourself for another loss… So in a way, you have created an irrational belief that by pushing him away or not allowing yourself to be close to him, you won’t be as affected by it when he leaves (whether that be through death or leaving you). Sometimes we may not even realize that we are protecting ourselves due to unprocessed grief / trauma. I’m curious if this lands for you and if it does, seeking therapy to unpack some of your past pain would be highly beneficial for you to relax and enough your beautiful family.