Thanks for reaching out Olena. Is it possible that you’re subconsciously hardening because you’re trying to protect yourself from getting too close to your husband? Seems like your initial defense was to end relationships, but now that you are married with children for ten years, your next subconscious defense mechanism is to put emotional and physical boundaries around you. With your children getting older, the loss of your father can also trigger wounds of abandonment and fear as they get closer to the age you were when you lost him. How was your mother affected by your father’s passing? This may have also created the subconscious defense mechanism of you pulling away and not allowing yourself to trust (ie. Relax). You’re subconsciously preparing yourself for another loss… So in a way, you have created an irrational belief that by pushing him away or not allowing yourself to be close to him, you won’t be as affected by it when he leaves (whether that be through death or leaving you). Sometimes we may not even realize that we are protecting ourselves due to unprocessed grief / trauma. I’m curious if this lands for you and if it does, seeking therapy to unpack some of your past pain would be highly beneficial for you to relax and enough your beautiful family.

6 months ago I received an anonymous letter in the mail with proof of my fiance cheating. We were engaged for almost a year at that time and when I confronted him he admitted he had started seeing her 3 months after we got engaged.

We have been together for 8 years but I always felt that there was an incompability between us that we had never addressed. Nevertheless we had seemed happy and there was no pressure from my end for him to propose. He was also never hesitant about the wedding plans and we were looking for a house together already before the letter arrived.

Now my world has been turned upside down and I asked for some time alone. He has been doing lots of reflecting during this time and really wants us to try therapy to try and see if we can resolve this. He appears to be showing remorse over the past 5 months and has expressed full accountability for his actions. Although we only have had minimal contact, he has explained some of his thought processes to me from time to time in the hopes of making this work (his personal flaws which may have lead to this affair, disillusionment with the relationship that skewed his decision-making, etc) .

Despite this, I haven’t been able to come to terms with a couple of things around this (most obviously the fact that he cheated 3 months after we were engaged – after making such a big move in commitment; the fact that he saw her for 9 months and we lived together for a couple months during that time which he didn’t treat me particularly well (like some people who feel guilty would) and had even had arguments about trust (where he implied that I did not trust him regarding something else, even though in hindsight this was very hypocritical since he was already cheating behind my back); the fact that an anonymous party had to look out for me and send me a letter telling me what he did). Though he has been dedicated in self reflecting for 5 months, I cannot help thinking that maybe he is only doing this to save face for himself, knowing that we are engaged with a huge group of mutual friends and family who know both of us well.

I do not want to be naive, and I know I have a good support group to help me through calling this engagement off (my friends and family have expressed their support for whatever decision I choose to make). But just wondering if you have any honest thoughts/advice given your experience with similar situations, and whether there is in fact anything to salvage at this point. Thank you so much.

Hi Faith,

This is a tough dilemma for sure. I think it’s really important for you to identify within yourself why marriage is so important to you– really understand what marriage means to you and what it represents. Then, I would explore why you want to marry this man based on your definitions and values of marriage. This is what you can present to him. Sometimes when we communicate, we talk in symbols that can be misunderstood. It’s important that the two of you discuss what marriage (as a symbol) represents; why you want that with each other and your fears. He may feel less threatened if you can describe to him your desire to feel closer to HIM (through the act and commitment of marriage) rather than possibly coming across as NEEDING to be MARRIED. You may be emphasizing marriage as a step or a concept more than why you want to be married to him. This clarity may help him understand you a lot better and feel less pressured to “do” the act of getting married. Hope this helps!

My boyfriend of almost 4 years and I recently moved in together. Over the years I have brought up the idea of marriage. He has responded that this is also what he wants. However,I don’t feel he is ready like I am. He has a previous relationship with a girlfriend of 14 years who died of cancer. He was her caretaker and provided and they never married. We have spoken about this and I don’t feel we have the same issues he mentioned that kept him from marrying her. But I still feel he isn’t ready. I’m scared that I will get pigeon holed into a relationship that I am content with and will end up like the former girlfriend. I don’t want that. I want to marry him. But I know if I push the issue I could loose him. Problem is I am ok with that if I am not his choice. I want to be with someone who wants what I want. And I don’t want to force it on him. This is extremely awkward and I’m nervous it will not work out. But I feel it’s necessary for me to stay true to my beliefs and desires. How do I go about letting him know that this is to a breaking point for me? What’s the best way to address this issue?

Hi Mitch,

This is a tough situation for sure! I see your view of the situation and can completely understand why it would be nerve-racking and uncomfortable. I think these two options (or a combo of the two) may be helpful; 1. Accept that he is friends with his ex and do your absolute best to not feed into the insecure story you have created about “why.” I know easier said than done, but once you can truly accept that they are friends and choose to believe that there is nothing more, the easier it will be for you to live your life with your partner. 2. Make a commitment to yourself and to your partner that you will not project your insecurities onto him or bring up the ex and in exchange, you’re requesting that he may limit or alter his relationship with her. Maybe that looks like he is never alone with her, or that they don’t text/call without him telling you about it. This compromise and agreement helps build transparency and trust that is needed for the two of you work through this. You both need to learn how to validate each other’s experiences (ex: I’m sure it’s really hard for you to feel security when he is still in contact with an ex that broke his heart / I’m sure it’s really challenging for him to feel as though his commitment to you is always being questioned) even if you both don’t agree with each other’s perspectives.

Hope this helps!