Stop Trying to Fix Everything in Your Relationship : 6 Things You to do Instead

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box

“Stop trying to fix everything in your relationship!” may be something you’ve heard a bazillion times. Maybe it’s something you didn’t even know you were trying to do; but you just know you hate when the one you love struggles or when there is conflict between the two of you. Your intentions are sincere. You want to keep the peace and make “negative” feelings go away. Your natural go-to is to logically assess the situation, then fix the uncomfortableness. So you may be confused as to why your partner doesn’t understand your genuine attempt to help them out or to defuse the situation.

When your partner starts to get angry with you for always trying to fix things, you may find yourself at a frustrating point and don’t quite understand what to do to make things better. This may make you feel completely discouraged, stressed and rejected. You may start to believe that you can never do anything right. Maybe that is why you have found yourself googling, “stop trying to fix everything in your relationship.”

If you’re in this boat, hear me when I say, this is a common issue for couples.

We have all heard of chronic people pleasing, but we often don’t hear enough about the “chronic fixer” mentality. “The chronic fixer” was often the child growing up that was in charge of their erratic or irresponsible parent or sibling; the child that was expected to be the mediator in the family when abuse or escalation would surface; the child that was neglected from their parents attention or who grew up not understanding unconditional love. The fixer is often the child that never learned how to emotionally express their needs or feelings and becomes easily overwhelmed with other’s expression of emotions. If you are the fixer, this is often why the inner child in you feels so helpless and why it may feel incredibly hurtful when your partner gets angry with you for trying to help. If the fixer mentality in you is so ingrained, it can be a challenge to stop trying to fix everything in your relationship.

So what do you do?

As the fixer, your conscious intentions of diffusing the situation are noble. You care, you try to support, you want to make things “right” again. However, your automatic drive to fix things, is usually more of a defense mechanism to protect yourself, than it is an altruistic drive to help. This is why the attempt to fix doesn’t soothe your partner and it seems to only make things worse. So, if you are the fixer, this doesn’t mean you are “bad,” or wrong. It’s just helpful to realize that your automatic behavior to shut things down and to fix them, are usually an innate defense against your intolerance to emotional discomfort and/or escalation and conflict. Your actions and attempt to fix things, are an automatic response to your subconscious fears in childhood or a toxic past relationship.

So, in a nutshell, the (subconscious) attempt to fix everything is often motivated by a desire to protect yourself from being triggered by a wound that hasn’t fully been healed from your past.

One of the reasons this comes up a lot in couples counseling, is because one person’s natural approach to supporting the other can unfortunately be the exact opposite from what their partner actually needs. Together, they don’t know how to communicate about it, so they tend to just get frustrated at each other and get stuck in repetitive arguments. They both end up feeling dismissed and frustrated.

It’s like the example of never telling a frantic person to “calm down.” Generally, telling someone to calm down has the opposite outcome, because it makes the person who is feeling frantic, now feel dismissed and embarrassed for feeling how they are feeling. Even if “calming down” is the logical and helpful thing to do, in the moment of heightened emotions, it is impossible to flip the switch into a logical state of mind. When we are feeling emotionally triggered, our brains can stop working properly and the amygdala can be hijacked. This is important to understand because we are incredibly complex as human beings and sometimes, when we are emotional, we aren’t always choosing to react in the way we desire. This is why it is incredibly important for both partners to work on strengthening emotional intelligence and tolerance.

I often tell my clients to picture a disgusting scenario: Your partner is stuck in poop. Literally. They are drenched in it. It’s like quick sand and they are barely able to keep their head above the disgustingness. You see them and you want to get them out, but you look around you and there is absolutely nothing you can use to pull them out with. Your partner is defeated and stressed. You are defeated and stressed. Best thing you can do? Jump in the pile of poo with them. That’s it. Sound crazy? YES, it does, but this is often all we need as humans. By jumping in, you show up for them. You give them permission to be overwhelmed and you give yourself permission to be powerless. You ride the wave together and you see your partner with compassion, they see you with intention. Sometimes there is no solution other than that. Eventually the disgustingness becomes livable and the two of you realize you actually aren’t covered in poop, it’s just mud; and by the time the sun goes down, it starts to loosen up, allowing the two of you to get out comfortably to find shelter… together, as a team. “Problem” solved!

Stop Trying to Fix Everything in Your Relationship | 6 Things to do Instead:

Breathe | So when your partner is struggling with something, try to breathe consciously. Literally take a few moments to calm your instinct to react by shutting the emotions down and fixing it. Just breathe and remind yourself that you are safe. Be conscious of what immediate thought popped into your head, “Oh no, here we go again,” or “What did I do wrong?”

Don’t Make Assumptions | When you’re sensing your partner’s vibe is off, you automatically go to worst case scenario in your head. Stop that train of thought, observe the situation and try asking yourself, “Is what I am assuming/thinking true? Do I have evidence to support these automatic thoughts? Am I giving my partner the benefit of the doubt?”

Ask More Questions | Listen more. Ask more. It’s simple enough to help your partner feel validated, but also helpful in soothing your anxiety. Maybe your partner is upset about something that has nothing to do with you, and they just need a moment to talk through it. Try asking a simple question about their needs, “Do you want me to help you solve this, or just listen?”

Set Boundaries | It is completely OK for you to request boundaries when you are feeling overwhelmed and need a moment to collect yourself from flooding emotions. A healthy example on how to request space from an emotional partner is, “I hear you, I see you’re upset, and I need a moment to process all this because emotions can be challenging for me to process. Can we revisit this conversation when I get back in a couple hours?”

Work on Feeling Uncomfortable | Work on your tolerance to difficult emotions or conversations. If being uncomfortable with emotions is something you struggle with, it may be time to do your own counseling to help you regulate and process them effectively.

Relinquish Your Responsibility to Fix Everything | You may feel as though it is your “job” for one reason or another to fix everything, but it isn’t. In fact, that belief is causing you the most pain and discomfort. By relinquishing the responsibility, you surrender to not having control. This is uncomfortable, but it is equally relieving.

*Obviously, if your relationship hits any of these red flags, then you may want to reconsider your relationship’s health and may not want to continue the relationship. There is a difference between being a fixer due to childhood triggers and feeling coerced to please your partner because they are abusive.

All and all, relationships are challenging! The best thing you can do is try to assume the best of your partner (if it is not toxic or abusive). We are all trying our best, even if it doesn’t seem that way sometimes. If you don’t feel heard, there may be somethings you can try differently to be softer with your approach. If you don’t feel appreciated or understood, then you may be trying too hard to fix the situation rather than just hear your partner out.

Thanks for reading our article, Stop Trying to Fix Everything in Your Relationship.

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Examples of Power Struggles in a Relationship | How to Tell if You Are Butting Heads to Gain Control (and why?)

Awe… the honeymoon phase. Isn’t it bliss? 

There are seemingly no “real” struggles in the honeymoon phase, right? Just fun dates and lots of sex. There’s no arguing about who loads the dishwasher, or picks up the check(s). No one is frustrated about always initiating sex or what to eat for dinner. Life in the beginning was just easy filled with compromise. 

This time in our relationship is “easy,” because we are often lost in lust and oxytocin. It’s also easy, because we are happy to forfeit our opinions in order to make the other person satisfied and to keep them interested. We don’t mind compromise because we all enjoy falling in love. 

So, fast forward a few months… or even some years. You may have found yourselves unhappy and struggling with feeling fully appreciated and/or equal in your relationship. Maybe simple communication is challenging or mutual respect is declining. At times, you may feel frustrated and sad that the relationship you once had feels lost and the person you fell in love with has slipped away. 

Well, you may have found yourselves in a power struggle. 

You may not even realize it, but often times the petty fights you find yourselves in are just an attempt for your voices to be heard/respected, your feelings to be validated, or your contributions to be recognized and appreciated. We often get stuck in the content of “who did what” instead of communicating to each other our vulnerable desires to feel seen in the relationship. Sometimes, we get so stuck on how things used to be, that we start resenting our partners for inevitable changes. 

Here are Examples of Power Struggles in a Relationship:

#1: You find yourselves easily arguing about your (subjective) experiences being a fact. 

#2: You and/or your partner makes regular passive aggressive comments and says they are just “joking.”  

#3: You and/or partner feels entitled to having more decision making privileges, because you/they make more money.

#4: You and/or your partner feel secretively defiant.

#5 You put each other down. 

#6 You get in arguments the second you both have differing opinions. 

#7 You and/or your partner constantly bring up the past to justify their actions. 

#8 You and/or your partner play games to make the other one jealous. 

#9 You find yourselves in competition with each other, and not in a cute way. 

#10 You and/or your partner often threaten leaving the relationship in arguments. 

#11 You and/or your partner withhold sex, intimacy or affection to prove a point. 

#12 You and/or your partner often feels “in trouble.” 

#13 You and/or your partner purposefully want to withhold offering support or help to “teach” them a lesson. 

Power struggles can be a common element to a relationship, but catching them early will help you both determine a healthy way to restructure them. Sometimes, power struggles in a relationship can be due to feeling unheard and sometimes addressing them calmly can be the fix. Other times, power struggles can come from years of built up resentment and pain, which may require a lot more time and tools to heal. Either way, therapy is always a great idea to help you both unpack these negative behaviors and break the cycle for good. 

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You may find yourself googling “Are my expectations too high?” or at least feel internally conflicted with the answer. If you find yourself on this page, then most likely someone or everyone has disappointed you. Maybe someone has told you directly that you’re too needy, or maybe you just find yourself feeling alone and disappointed most of the time. I know that when I have asked myself this question, it usually would lead to a dark road of self-punishment and guilt.

In our culture, we pride ourselves on “not settling,” yet we also aren’t really encouraged to ask for support either. That’s a huge conflict, isn’t it? Are we setting if we find ourselves in a relationship with someone that refuses to tend to our emotional needs, or are we just being too needy? Are we settling if we find ourselves in a relationship with someone that tries their best to tend to our emotional needs, (but just doesn’t quite hit the bar perfectly), or are we just being too picky? What determines healthy expectation verses unhealthy ones?

Our culture often sees having high expectations as a negative that usually indicates that you are too picky; that you are selfish and/or take too much from others. Sometimes, this can be valid and true. Sometimes, context is important and you have reasonable requests that are being gaslighted by a manipulative person. Regardless, if you notice that you are often feeling misunderstood, alone and don’t have a lot of support, then it may be a good time to explore more about your needs from others and the health of your current relationships.

Most often, “having too high of expectations” comes from a subconscious space filled with unprocessed pain from the past that is being projected onto others. An example can be subconscious insecurities that lead you to being overly critical of others. This can show up when you are dating and find yourself easily turned off by everyone you go on a date with, or having an extensive list of criteria for others to meet. Another example can be needing a lot of comfort and security from others, which is often due to unmet childhood needs from abandonment, abuse, or neglect. Unfortunately, however it shows up, it usually works against us and becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. This can be a vicious cycle that causes a lot of turmoil both internally, as well as in your relationships. You may find yourself reading this blog because you feel stuck in guilt, anger, resentment and/or depression, because you keep finding yourself in the vicious cycle of loneliness and disappointment. This is extremely tough! Here are some ways to identify whether or not your expectations are too high in an unhealthy way, or are appropriate standards to request in a healthy relationship.

Possible indicators that your expectations are too high in an unhealthy way:

• You have a painful history that you may not have fully addressed.
• You find yourself disappointed in others more often than you are grateful for them and their actions.
• You feel disrespected, a lot.
• You are disgusted with most people.
• You don’t have a lot of compassion, especially for those that have hurt you or have done something you deem as “wrong.”
• You are very judgmental to others.
• You are very self critical.
• You don’t know how to self-soothe or talk yourself out of the fear of rejection, abandonment and/or not being accepted.
• You don’t easily feel comforted by anything, even if you ask for something specific.
• You don’t easily feel happy or it’s often short lived.
• You’re a perfectionist and demand perfection from others.
• You expect that everyone should behave the way that you want them to.
• You struggle with forgiveness.
• You struggle with giving people the benefit of the doubt.
• You often feel resentment and anger towards others.
• You expect people to treat you the way you treat them.
• You nit-pick and often can’t let things go.
• You think there is a perfect relationship out there.
• You never cut yourself slack.

If you find yourself in most of these, it may be a good time to explore support with a trained professional that can help you better cope and manage triggers in a healthy way.

So, are your expectations too high and that is causing the problem? Most likely, yes. BUT, this doesn’t mean your expectations are not valid, or that the feelings you have underneath those expectations aren’t profoundly important, because they are. It means that you are subconsciously expecting others to provide you with something they are incapable of giving you fully. (Generally speaking), this isn’t because they don’t care, but because what you are often needing from others, you need to give to yourself first. If you are too judgmental and don’t let anyone in, you need to start giving yourself grace for being imperfect and for making mistakes. If you demand a lot from others, you need to start focusing on patience and compassion for other’s complicated journeys. Either way, you have to practice self love.

Possible indicators that your expectations are not too high and in fact, are healthy:

• You think intimacy in your relationships consists of mutual sharing and you ask your partner/friends to open up about themselves. In turn, you like to be asked about yourself and want to feel safe expressing it.
• You often like to go to your partner/friends for emotional support when you’re feeling upset. This looks like wanting their genuine presence and lending an ear.
• You request open communication from the people who are closest to you, (but forgive and work through moments when it may be challenging).
• You let yourself be vulnerable without needing someone to “fix” or soothe you.
• You expect that a mutually set agreement will be taken seriously.
• You expect that a personal healthy boundary will be honored.
• You trust unconditionally and hope that others do, too.
• You expect the ones closest to you consistently show up for you, (but you give them grace when they aren’t and try to understand what may be going on for them).
• You forgive.
• You exercise grace and compassion for others, even when they disappoint you.
• You understand that relationships aren’t tit for tat, but you do have needs within the relationship that honor your feelings. You are equally open to hearing other’s needs as well.
• You do your best and hope that other’s will, too. (But again, you’re flexible when they can’t).
• You exercise self love, compassion and grace when you aren’t at your “best.”

If the people in your relationship(s) make you feel bad for having these expectations/needs and requests, then you may want to start identifying the health of your relationship(s) with a professional.

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Relationship Red Flags: How do you know if your relationship is toxic? Watch for these red flags. 

As many of you know, relationship red flags may be hard to identify. Because relationships by nature are hard and require a lot of work, you may ask yourself sometimes “is this really healthy?” We have all been there. It can be challenging to know how to identify what’s a “normal” amount of dysfunction and what is down right toxic.

Here are some examples of relationship red flags to watch out for:

#1 Your partner never accepts accountability for their actions. Or if they do, they make sure to say “but I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t done X.”

#2 You never feel heard/considered in the relationship.

#3 You often question your own sanity or feelings. You may get stuck in self doubt, shame and guilt.

#4 You’re afraid of your partner’s reactions/judgements, so much that you find yourself altering or censoring yourself often.

#5 You struggle with being honest with your family/friends about your relationship. You may even start to isolate from people that were once close to you.

#6 You start becoming someone you don’t recognize.

#7 Your partner uses your vulnerabilities against you.

#8 You constantly feel like you’re in a power struggle in everything that you do.

#9 Your partner directly or indirectly demands things from you. There is no compromise in the relationship.

#10 You had high self esteem until this relationship.

#11 You feel controlled.

#12 You cannot see yourself as your own person. Your partner has become a part of your identity and you need their approval and love.

#13 Arguments are volatile or abusive in any way.

#14 You feel intimidated.

#15 Your partner acts completely different around other people than they do when they are with you.

#16 You catch your partner in repeated lies. Even they are small.

#17 Your partner is highly defensive and never shows their vulnerable side to you.

#18 Your partner refuses to see other people’s perspectives in anything they don’t agree with.

#19 You feel coerced in having sex.

#20 Your partner calls/texts you constantly when you are away.

#21 Your partner does not support you doing new things and acts threatened often.

#22 Your partner threatens self harm in an attempt to cause a reaction out of you.

#23 You and/or your partner is unwilling to go to therapy. (If you are too afraid, they are too defensive).

Relationship Red Flags: How to walk away from a toxic relationship

If you find that you are in a toxic relationship, but struggle with feeling confident in getting out, here’s what you can do. First, if you are in an abusive or threatening relationship it is important to have a safety plan in place, (protective factors such as a place to stay, access to authority, etc).

It can also be incredibly helpful to have a safe, unbiased confidant like a relationship therapist. Because they are also educated on understanding human behavior, they will have a better perspective on what’s “healthy” or not. They are there to support you with building the self confidence and awareness you’ll need to leave the relationship. They can help you create and practice necessary boundaries to help you through the transition. Therapy can also help you connect any dots from past/childhood that may be impacting your current situation/feelings, which may help in healing any past traumas that are being impacted with your current situation.

Lastly, educate yourself on unhealthy relationships, personality disorders and/or addiction if applicable. This is something you can do in therapy, or on your own. Education is helpful at de-personalizing the problem and getting you to see the reality of a toxic situation.

Thank you for reading Relationship Red Flags: What makes a relationship “toxic?” Have you gotten out of a toxic relationship? Please share what helped you!

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Dating someone with borderline personality disorder can sound really scary.

Dating someone with borderline personality disorder can also sound really serious. Especially if you’ve never heard of a “personality disorder” in general or have any idea what it actually means. Mental health as a whole can be very nerve racking if we don’t have a full understanding of what is really going on. I write this blog specifically because the majority of my individual clients struggle with a personal relationship with someone that has a personality disorder, specially Borderline Personality disorder… (and they don’t know it).

So What is Borderline Personality Disorder? According to psychiatry.org “Borderline Personality Disorder is a pattern of instability in personal relationships, intense emotions, poor self-image and impulsivity. A person with borderline personality disorder may go to great lengths to avoid being abandoned, have repeated suicide attempts, display inappropriate intense anger or have ongoing feelings of emptiness.” Studies believe Borderline Personality Disorder may be caused by trauma, genetics and/or learned behavior. People with this disorder may also have comorbidity which means they have multiple disorders at once (such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc).

Although this definition of borderline personality disorder is accurate, it may not be incredibly helpful because borderline personalities don’t always show up in this way. People that have BPD can be incredibly loyal, loving and empathetic. They can be self aware, empathic and compassionate. As their partner or friend, you may be their ultimate favorite person that they cherish greatly; but they may also easily become possessive or are very irrational at seemingly the drop of a hat. Your relationship with them may be just as pleasant as it is difficult and you may be really suffering as to understanding why. If you feel as though you are questioning your own behavior, morals and/or reactions often, and/or have been feeling an extreme uncertainty about what is going to make them happy again, you may want to read on. 

Here are a few examples of how you may be experiencing a borderline personality in your relationship.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #1: Their Reactions Are Often Disproportionate to What’s Happening

You may find that you struggle with understanding their reactions at times and question if you are being insensitive. You may find little things, (like not answering your phone), set your partner through the roof. You are confused by their disporportionate emotions at times and can’t logically comprehend why they are so upset. You may find yourself asking “why are you so mad?” which may only make the situation more reactive. You may find yourself thinking “this is so irrational,” but you can’t calm them down. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #2: The Honeymoon Stage was ELECTRIC 

You felt electricity that was unlike any “spark” that you have ever experienced in a relationship before. The sexual chemistry may have been explosive from the very beginning, and/or your emotional chemistry was easy. You may feel as though you are addicted to this part of your relationship and often try your best to get it back. You’ve convinced yourself (and possibly friends and family) that the highs are way more valuable than the lows, and you do your best to hang onto the moments you two are in bliss.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #3: They Are Never Wrong

Because your partner is often very black or white, you may notice a pattern that your partner does not accept accountability for their behavior, (which typically means they never apologize.) They somehow find a way to make you feel guilty about something you did that caused them to lash out in the way they did. Even after the argument has settled, you may still find yourself feeling invalidated for multiple occasions. The relationship often feels one-sided and as though there is no room for your needs or feelings. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #4: They Are Deep and Emotional

You’ve experienced vulnerable moments with them that have made you fall deeper and deeper in love. They seem self aware and able to articulate their experiences of the past in ways you may have never experienced anyone do before. They may have been in therapy for years and talk a lot about their past. You find this level of depth intriguing, when it is not projected at you.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #5: Your Relationship Feels Like a Yo-Yo

You’ve never felt so loved and so hated by anyone, ever. This yo-yo effect in your relationship may lead to a lot of confusion, curiosity, hope and frustration for you. It’s a mystery and at times you may feel you are the only one that doesn’t get it, but you want to figure it out. You may find your inner child gets triggered a lot and you may get to a point when you feel like a defeated shell of yourself. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #6: You Have Anxiety, All the Time

You may find yourself constantly confused, which results to a lot anxiety and self doubt. You may not be able to identify the source of your partner’s shift in mood, or the level of emotion that is being expressed, so you walk on eggshells. You may start to analyze your own character and become insecure or resentful. You are often struggling with understanding the why of their negative or extreme reactions toward you, so you struggle with knowing how to assert your needs. You may ask yourself, “Am I crazy?” “Did I totally perceive this situation wrong?” “Do other people think I’m just a terrible person, too?” “Why does my partner do this? I would never do this to them.”

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #7: You Don’t Feel Trusted 

You don’t ever really feel trusted by your partner, even if you haven’t “done” anything to give them the impression you are untrustworthy. People who struggle with borderline personality disorder are incredibly vulnerable to the idea of abandonment. They want to be loved unconditionally (like we all do), but they often struggle with trusting full heartedly because they are often suspicious of people’s motives.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #8: You Feel Guilty

You feel guilty often and probably take accountability for things that you don’t believe are for you to own; but you do this to keep the peace and to de-escalate the situation. Maybe you’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser so this dynamic may be somewhat of a comfort zone to you, even if it doesn’t feel great. You may become obsessed with the getting back to a good place with your partner so you can become the most special, beloved, and needed person on the planet again.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #9: There Is No Room For Your Feelings/Needs

You feel as though you aren’t allowed to have needs because every time you express them, your partner completely dismisses you and refuses to accept they don’t offer these needs to you. They may turn a situation back on you and express in detail how much they do for you that you don’t appreciate or see. They don’t see your point of view, but expect and demand you to always see their’s. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #10: They Dislike Most People

Your partner may have a strong victim mentality and you start seeing it more and more in their personal life outside of you. Maybe they don’t have many friends because, “they are all back-stabbers,” or they complain constantly about their coworkers because they are all “bullies.” Maybe their family is the total “enemy” and the reason for all of their suffering. Either way, you can start to get a glimpse into their lens of the world, which is everyone is against them.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #11: People in Your Circle Say, GET OUT.

You friends and family may have cautioned you multiple times about this relationship. If you have been transparent with your friends and families about your partner’s behavior, then most likely your best friends or close relatives have expressed their concern for you.  (Or, another example of dating someone with borderline personality disorder is the reluctance you may have to actually tell others around you the full story of what has been going on in your relationship because you’re ashamed, embarrassed and/or scared. So you often hide your feelings and confusion from close ones around you and try to process it all by yourself. You may also be in denial).

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #12: You Are Terrified to Even Think About Breaking up With Them

If you have questioned breaking up with your partner, but fear retaliation, their volatile reaction and/or them self-harming as a reaction, this is a strong indicator that your partner is struggling with BPD. 

So let’s say you relate to most of these examples. Where do you go from here? A part of you may feel a lot of relief, but you may also have a lot of fear about how to proceed. The tricky piece to many personality disorders like Borderline Personality, it is an ego syntonic disorder, (which means an individual is unaware of their symptoms). This makes healthy longterm relationships pretty challenging (if not downright impossible), because they are often incapable of recognizing their (negative) part in the dynamic. If everything is perceived from their eyes as your fault, you may never feel seen, understood or appreciated in your relationship.

Ego syntonic disorders are also limiting in treatment, such as accepting the idea that they could use individual therapy or couples counseling, because they often think everyone else is the problem. The counseling experience with borderline personalities can often play out where they refuse to come altogether, or participate but the moment they feel the therapist is not on their side they can feel abandoned or become volatile. Or, they could find a therapist that only validates their perspective, which may only perpetuates their victim narrative.

If there is willingness from your partner to want to explore help, there are specific treatments available such as PCH Treatment that are designed to support borderline personality disorder that have shown to be successful. Often medication can help for the other possible symptoms such as depression and anxiety, but there are currently no “cures” for personality disorders.

If you think you are dating a person with borderline personality disorder, my advice is to seek your own individual counseling. You can gain support in educating yourself on this disorder, as well as learn the tools to navigate your own feelings and explore your own blind spots, and understand what you gain from this relationship. From that point on, you may be able to navigate a conversation about supportive treatment with your partner or at least have more perspective about how you’d like to proceed.

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