Why Does My Partner Need Space?

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box

If you have found yourself disheartened with the question, “Why does my partner need space when we argue?” this article may be just what you need in order to build more understanding. Most couples find themselves at times in an repeated conflictual cycle that gets easily activated and is often challenging to repair. Regardless of what you’re arguing about, one person seems to always want space, while the other is desperate to talk things out immediately. This can be frustrating and painful for both parties, as the build up of vulnerable insecurities and resentment can start to ruin the emotional safety in the relationship.

Yikes!

A common complaint in couples therapy is this exact issue. “My partner always walks away from me and we inevitably never solve anything.” or “My partner can’t seem to respect me when I say over and over again to leave me alone…  I need space. I feel pushed until I explode.” The person desiring immediate resolve often feels abandoned, anxious and betrayed; while the person desiring space often feels violated, controlled and is terrified of saying the wrong thing. Unfortunately, both parties don’t express themselves in ways the other person can truly hear, so they continue this vicious cycle of misunderstanding for months or even years. This issue is often the catalyst that brings couples into therapy… or eventually separates them.

“I am fighting for our relationship not fighting against it, but she only sees me as a bully. I don’t know how to make her realize I’m scared to lose her.” -T.D, 32

If you’re in a relationship, then you understand that this cycle feels really defeating if you can’t find mutual validation and repair. After the hundredth time of getting stuck in this cycle, the two of you are probably questioning the relationship and may even become shells of yourselves. As an attachment based therapist, I want to assure you that this cycle comes up in every relationship I have ever worked with and/or heard about in my personal life. This is because we are human and we all have a deep seeded fear of abandonment or rejection in one form or another. On some basic level we may have felt these ways growing up or in a past relationship(s), and this can make our fears even harder to cope with in our current partnership when we can’t seem to get on the same team. Often our innate reactions to perceived threats of rejection, ridicule and/or abandonment come from deep attachment wounds of past experiences that we may not even be aware we have or know how they are correlated.

No human is perfect and regardless of how loving your relationship is, or how much trust and respect you have for each other, sometimes your innate fight or flight response can be triggering for your partner; thus causing the cycle. My husband and I also have a cycle (I call it a “dance”) and I express to my clients that it is important to normalize it, as well as set realistic goals on how to “solve” it together. Instead of looking at your disconnect through the lens of blame, victimhood and/or righteousness, try looking at it as conflicting biological responses to the threat of losing the relationship. When you need repair right away, maybe it’s because you were abandoned by a parent or ex-partner and when you perceive your current partner has had enough, you instinctually panic. It may be irrational, but this is why we have to be gentle with ourselves. We are wired to automatically respond to perceived threats to keep us alive. Most likely your partner just happens to have a differing defense mechanism (freeze or flight) that has kept them “safe.”  If we never get to the level of understanding why we respond the way that we respond, we may end up subconsciously sabotaging our relationship and repeating trauma from our past.

Although this “dance” isn’t fun and can cause a lot of heartbreak, it’s something worth exploring individually, as well as together, for ultimate growth and security building in the relationship.

When more seasoned couples say “relationships are hard work,” they are referring to learning how to establish a balance that neutralizes this cycle. The “work” is learning to recognize the cycle, understand yourself and your partner’s reactions and express your needs vulnerably, to truly be able to see each other’s perspectives and find healing.

Ideally, you would both learn the tools to effectively avoid the cycle altogether, but because this cycle won’t just vanish, you can learn the tools to repair the hurts and misunderstandings effectively so that issues don’t continue to repeat over and over. Sometimes this is only possible with a trained professional.

If your partner’s reaction is to shut down in moments of anxious conflict, I can see how this would feel rejecting and why you might fear abandonment. Especially if they get angry, stop talking altogether, or worse… physically leave. Instead of continuing to torture yourself with the question, “Why does my partner need space?” please read below the possible reasons to hopefully build more understanding of their innate defense mechanism.

Why Does My Partner Need Space? 5 Possible Reasons

1. They were criticized and/or rejected in their past from parents/caregivers and/or friends/ex partners. They may have gotten the message that what they have to say isn’t important or valid. They may have gotten the message that they were flawed in some profound way and thus doesn’t feel good enough.
2. They feel triggered by conflict. This may have to do with growing up with a lot of conflict with parents and/or siblings. This may also have to do with the opposite; they grew up without any conflict and feel very threatened by it. Either way, they struggle with easing their anxiety about confrontation and conflict.
3. They feel intimidated. Think of your partner like a beautiful clam that holds a precious pearl. When in moments of fear, the clam innately shuts itself off in an attempt to protect itself. Evolutionarily their shell is hard and cold, in an attempt to exhaust intruders and protect their vulnerable squishy insides. When closed, the clam feels safe. When open, even half way, the calm feels vulnerable. They are sensitive to predators and often assume they are in the hands of a giant attempting to pry open their shell forcefully with a knife. Eventually, their reaction may be to surrender defeatedly or grip tighter and tighter with a bite.
4. They are slower processors and under stressful situations, need more time to process their thoughts and feelings. You may argue well. You may articulate every feeling and thought you have. They don’t operate like that. Most likely, they feel intimated by your quickness and openness to feelings that they want to make sure they understand themselves before expressing the “wrong” thing. When pushed to communicate, they probably end up saying the “wrong” thing, thus making it harder for them to feel confident in trying to do it again. They may experience pressure from you to know how they feel, thus making it easier to compartmentalize and shut it down completely.
5. They don’t understand the argument/conflict. Sometimes, it is as simple as not understanding what the argument is about or agreeing that the argument is worth actually “arguing” about. Their attempt to shut down is an attempt to stop the argument from escalating. (Unfortunately, they don’t realize that feels like abandonment or dismissive to you).

If one of those reasons may be the cause of your partner’s reaction to flee situations or to shut down, hopefully you can understand with more compassion that they are not actively trying to hurt you. They most likely are not actively trying to torture you by withholding their feelings and thoughts. They aren’t attempting to make you feel abandoned or dismissed. The most advised next step is to seek couples counseling before this issue causes severe harm to your self esteem and relationship’s health.

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Stop Trying to Fix Everything in Your Relationship : 6 Things You to do Instead

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box

“Stop trying to fix everything in your relationship!” may be something you’ve heard a bazillion times. Maybe it’s something you didn’t even know you were trying to do; but you just know you hate when the one you love struggles or when there is conflict between the two of you. Your intentions are sincere. You want to keep the peace and make “negative” feelings go away. Your natural go-to is to logically assess the situation, then fix the uncomfortableness. So you may be confused as to why your partner doesn’t understand your genuine attempt to help them out or to defuse the situation.

When your partner starts to get angry with you for always trying to fix things, you may find yourself at a frustrating point and don’t quite understand what to do to make things better. This may make you feel completely discouraged, stressed and rejected. You may start to believe that you can never do anything right. Maybe that is why you have found yourself googling, “stop trying to fix everything in your relationship.”

If you’re in this boat, hear me when I say, this is a common issue for couples.

We have all heard of chronic people pleasing, but we often don’t hear enough about the “chronic fixer” mentality. “The chronic fixer” was often the child growing up that was in charge of their erratic or irresponsible parent or sibling; the child that was expected to be the mediator in the family when abuse or escalation would surface; the child that was neglected from their parents attention or who grew up not understanding unconditional love. The fixer is often the child that never learned how to emotionally express their needs or feelings and becomes easily overwhelmed with other’s expression of emotions. If you are the fixer, this is often why the inner child in you feels so helpless and why it may feel incredibly hurtful when your partner gets angry with you for trying to help. If the fixer mentality in you is so ingrained, it can be a challenge to stop trying to fix everything in your relationship.

So what do you do?

As the fixer, your conscious intentions of diffusing the situation are noble. You care, you try to support, you want to make things “right” again. However, your automatic drive to fix things, is usually more of a defense mechanism to protect yourself, than it is an altruistic drive to help. This is why the attempt to fix doesn’t soothe your partner and it seems to only make things worse. So, if you are the fixer, this doesn’t mean you are “bad,” or wrong. It’s just helpful to realize that your automatic behavior to shut things down and to fix them, are usually an innate defense against your intolerance to emotional discomfort and/or escalation and conflict. Your actions and attempt to fix things, are an automatic response to your subconscious fears in childhood or a toxic past relationship.

So, in a nutshell, the (subconscious) attempt to fix everything is often motivated by a desire to protect yourself from being triggered by a wound that hasn’t fully been healed from your past.

One of the reasons this comes up a lot in couples counseling, is because one person’s natural approach to supporting the other can unfortunately be the exact opposite from what their partner actually needs. Together, they don’t know how to communicate about it, so they tend to just get frustrated at each other and get stuck in repetitive arguments. They both end up feeling dismissed and frustrated.

It’s like the example of never telling a frantic person to “calm down.” Generally, telling someone to calm down has the opposite outcome, because it makes the person who is feeling frantic, now feel dismissed and embarrassed for feeling how they are feeling. Even if “calming down” is the logical and helpful thing to do, in the moment of heightened emotions, it is impossible to flip the switch into a logical state of mind. When we are feeling emotionally triggered, our brains can stop working properly and the amygdala can be hijacked. This is important to understand because we are incredibly complex as human beings and sometimes, when we are emotional, we aren’t always choosing to react in the way we desire. This is why it is incredibly important for both partners to work on strengthening emotional intelligence and tolerance.

I often tell my clients to picture a disgusting scenario: Your partner is stuck in poop. Literally. They are drenched in it. It’s like quick sand and they are barely able to keep their head above the disgustingness. You see them and you want to get them out, but you look around you and there is absolutely nothing you can use to pull them out with. Your partner is defeated and stressed. You are defeated and stressed. Best thing you can do? Jump in the pile of poo with them. That’s it. Sound crazy? YES, it does, but this is often all we need as humans. By jumping in, you show up for them. You give them permission to be overwhelmed and you give yourself permission to be powerless. You ride the wave together and you see your partner with compassion, they see you with intention. Sometimes there is no solution other than that. Eventually the disgustingness becomes livable and the two of you realize you actually aren’t covered in poop, it’s just mud; and by the time the sun goes down, it starts to loosen up, allowing the two of you to get out comfortably to find shelter… together, as a team. “Problem” solved!

Stop Trying to Fix Everything in Your Relationship | 6 Things to do Instead:

Breathe | So when your partner is struggling with something, try to breathe consciously. Literally take a few moments to calm your instinct to react by shutting the emotions down and fixing it. Just breathe and remind yourself that you are safe. Be conscious of what immediate thought popped into your head, “Oh no, here we go again,” or “What did I do wrong?”

Don’t Make Assumptions | When you’re sensing your partner’s vibe is off, you automatically go to worst case scenario in your head. Stop that train of thought, observe the situation and try asking yourself, “Is what I am assuming/thinking true? Do I have evidence to support these automatic thoughts? Am I giving my partner the benefit of the doubt?”

Ask More Questions | Listen more. Ask more. It’s simple enough to help your partner feel validated, but also helpful in soothing your anxiety. Maybe your partner is upset about something that has nothing to do with you, and they just need a moment to talk through it. Try asking a simple question about their needs, “Do you want me to help you solve this, or just listen?”

Set Boundaries | It is completely OK for you to request boundaries when you are feeling overwhelmed and need a moment to collect yourself from flooding emotions. A healthy example on how to request space from an emotional partner is, “I hear you, I see you’re upset, and I need a moment to process all this because emotions can be challenging for me to process. Can we revisit this conversation when I get back in a couple hours?”

Work on Feeling Uncomfortable | Work on your tolerance to difficult emotions or conversations. If being uncomfortable with emotions is something you struggle with, it may be time to do your own counseling to help you regulate and process them effectively.

Relinquish Your Responsibility to Fix Everything | You may feel as though it is your “job” for one reason or another to fix everything, but it isn’t. In fact, that belief is causing you the most pain and discomfort. By relinquishing the responsibility, you surrender to not having control. This is uncomfortable, but it is equally relieving.

*Obviously, if your relationship hits any of these red flags, then you may want to reconsider your relationship’s health and may not want to continue the relationship. There is a difference between being a fixer due to childhood triggers and feeling coerced to please your partner because they are abusive.

All and all, relationships are challenging! The best thing you can do is try to assume the best of your partner (if it is not toxic or abusive). We are all trying our best, even if it doesn’t seem that way sometimes. If you don’t feel heard, there may be somethings you can try differently to be softer with your approach. If you don’t feel appreciated or understood, then you may be trying too hard to fix the situation rather than just hear your partner out.

Thanks for reading our article, Stop Trying to Fix Everything in Your Relationship.

The post Stop Trying To Fix Everything in Your Relationship appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

5 Things to try if you don’t feel heard : Feeling unheard or misunderstood in your relationship can be incredibly isolating. It can also be exhausting when you’ve tried everything you can to explain how you’re feeling and your partner still doesn’t hear you. 

I often hear my clients report that their biggest complaint in their relationship(s) is that they aren’t being heard. They feel they communicate effectively and express themselves clearly. So what is the problem? 

There is most likely a disconnect because your partner’s perception is totally different or they don’t know what to do with the information you are expressing. We may not intend to do this, but we often end up trying to change our partner’s perception when we aren’t feeling validated. This causes conflict and we then get stuck defending why our perspective is right. 

The reality, is neither of you are right, but both of you are valid. When we struggle with being heard, it can often be contributed to how we are being perceived. Although we don’t have any control over how other’s perceive us, we can work on our expression of vulnerability and detach from our partner’s response if they have a reaction that isn’t fulfilling to us.

We also have to remember, our partner is an insecure child inside at times of feeling triggered and they have their own demons they are battling. If they are reactive to our feedback or vulnerability, it may be tangled up with their own deep seeded struggles. This doesn’t give anyone a free pass to be abusive, but if you perceive your partner is guarded, defensive, attacking or blaming, we can try our best to understand why without personalizing it. Their reaction may not have everything to do with us. 

There is also huge difference between communicating clearly, (which involves little to no emotional exposure) and communicating vulnerably (which has everything to do with exposure and letting down your guard). Which do you often do? 

Here are 5 things to try if you don’t feel heard: 

#1 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Exercise your emotional intelligence. 

It is essential to know what you are feeling! Seems simple enough, but often times we don’t really know what we are feeling, we just know we are uncomfortable. This leads us to subconsciously project onto our partner. We then create an expectation and are disappointed when they don’t fulfill our needs. Understanding our own vulnerable emotions is crucial for your partner to fully understand them, too. How helpful would it be for you to be aware that you feel insecure about how you look, prior to having an upset reaction with your partner when you project that they are looking at stranger with a wandering eye?

#2 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Don’t default to anger. 

When we feel dismissed, it’s hard not to default to anger. Anger is a special emotion, because it “protects” our inner fears. It helps us feel powerful in moments when we may feel really small. Instead of expressing anger, practice exposing your fear, insecurities or hurt to your partner. Anger will most likely always set off your partner’s defense mechanism(s) and you won’t end up feeling heard anyway. 

#3 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Be aware of your accusations.

I often her my clients say to their partner, “I HAVE TOLD YOU SO MANY TIMES THAT IT PISSES ME OFF WHEN YOU CONTINUE TO ACT AGGRESSIVE WHEN I’M TRYING TO EXPRESS MYSELF. YOU APPARENTLY DON’T CARE OR LISTEN.” As an objective party, I can understand that this person is trying to express their hurt feelings by expressing their tolerance is low; they are feeling defeated and most likely really sad. As an objective party, I can also understand how this expression is hard for their partner to hear with compassion, because the stance is accusatory and it’s being expressed from anger. Now, we get caught in a dance of arguing about who’s right, because most likely your partner wants to (naturally) defend a misrepresentation of themselves that they don’t agree with. So if you want your partner to understand you, not defend themselves, you have to be very mindful of how you are expressing your perspective. The second you accuse, (ex: “You did ______,” or “You always do this______,”) is the second your partner flips the switch and stops listening to you. It’s important to try to express your perception by expressing, (ex: “Maybe this isn’t your intention, but I perceive you shut down when I try to talk to you sometimes and it really hurts me. I feel dismissed and rejected.” 

#4 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Practice humility. 

Humility is important in a partnership. It requires you look into the mirror and acknowledge that maybe you aren’t right, or maybe you aren’t being vulnerable. It helps us take ownership of our behavior when our behavior isn’t congruent to our feelings. It’s important to confront your partner with humility and own your projections when you can’t catch them in the moment, (ex: “I’m sorry I came at you today with anger and accusations. I know you don’t intentionally mean to dismiss me. I’m really hurt and feel disconnected from you and instead of saying that, I got angry.”) Please remember that in a partnership, no one is to blame. Both people actively contribute to conflict, disconnect and hurt feelings. 

#5 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Try to give your partner the benefit of the doubt by recreating your narrative about their intentions. 

Maybe you struggle with conflict or are sensitive to your partner’s moods/reactions. If you try your hardest to avoid the scenario of feeling dismissed or having a disagreement, you may not even realize that you start to suppress your feelings over time. This eventually leads to an angry outburst from a nasty narrative you’ve created about your partner’s intentions, (ex: “He really doesn’t care about me,” or “She is so needy or selfish.”) Our attempt to avoid conflict ends up being more conflictual because we have stopped trying to see our partner with compassion and understanding, (ex: “Maybe he doesn’t listen to be at times because he’s under a lot of pressure and feels like he is failing at everything. When I tell him I’m hurt with him, he just hears how much of a failure he is all over again,” or “She feels so disconnected from everyone right now and it must be really difficult for her to feel disconnected from me, she just misses me.”)

In a partnership, we have to constantly work on ourselves. This is key. If we constantly default to blame and aggression, we will never be heard or understood. In the Denver area and need help with this? Give us a shout! We are happy to help!

Thanks for reading 5 Things to Try if You Don’t Feel Heard! Leave any feedback or comments below. 

The post Things to Try if You Don’t Feel Heard : 5 Ways to Express Yourself Differently appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

8 Tips on How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Staying Grounded During Times of Social Isolation and Fear

How to Stay Calm During COVID10 Outbreak | I’m not a scientist, a doctor or a politician; but what I am, is human. The threat of a new virus spreading throughout our planet is a terrifying reality. It has killed many people, as well as caused panic and hysteria for many others. Maybe you have found yourself detached from the fear, but are more or less feeling stir crazy being stuck in your house, questioning whether or not you should meet up with a friend for a cocktail or even go to the grocery store. On whatever level you find yourself physically or emotionally impacted by COVID19, your life is disrupted.

Now what do we do?

My advice for staying (or becoming) calm during a trying time of social isolation and unknown is to find the silver lining. Not to be insensitive or to minimize anyone’s experience, but more or less trying to help reframe the fear that can often be debilitating for many of us. Ask yourself, “What can I personally learn or even gain from this misfortune?” It is important during these times to self reflect, to understand what it is that you are really feeling and to challenge yourself to not avoid, but work with the things you can’t change.

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak : Tip #1

First off, this is a great opportunity to start learning how to detach from your obsession with control. You’ve more than likely been conditioned to believe that the more you do the more you can control any outcome in your life. Right now especially, you may feel completely anxious, helpless and scared because it is obvious you can’t control any of this. It is OK to feel scared about what’s happening; it is something unknown in our lifetime.

The thing you have to remember, is our anxiety is bred on unknown experiences. We need to learn to allow anxiety to be a normal part of the human experience without trying to fix it. Without judgment, obsessing over it’s cause or without complete avoidance of it altogether.

The second we try to fix our anxiety, is the second we dismiss our emotions. The second we dismiss our emotions, is the second we make our fears even louder and more irrational. The second our fears become irrational, we feel completely tormented by them and then we are stuck in panic. Bottom line, don’t try to control anything right now. Accept that control is an illusion. Realize that most likely one of the biggest fears you are struggling with is less about the virus and more about what you can’t do to stop it.

It’s time to remind yourself that this is not your responsibility to fix (because one person can’t possibly fix this), but your responsibility is to help. This can look like honoring the social distancing no matter how uncomfortable, donating money, food or toilet paper, supporting local businesses by ordering take out, etc. Do your part without feeling the weight of fixing it.

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Tip #2

Take this opportunity to be socially isolated as a meaningful time to reflect and explore things about yourself, your home, your partner, your children in ways that you are always “too busy” to do. When do we ever give ourselves a substantial amount of time to just reflect? To be bored? To be so present that you feel every little noise inside of your body? If this sound incredibly uncomfortable to you, I’d challenge you to ask yourself, why? Be grateful that on some level, during a moment of social isolation, is calmness in its rawest form. We can cherish this moment to breathe and take it slow. We need that, in a world full of GO GO GO.

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Tip #3

Keep perspective. After you’ve allowed yourself to feel your feelings, write down all the logical pieces to this outbreak and give yourself permission to remind yourself that this too shall pass. Generations prior to our’s have struggled with chaos and have managed to pull through; we will all pull through this chaos too.

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Tip #4

Change your habits. Period. During this time of social isolation, you may start to realize how much your phone alerts you of upcoming news breaks or you may become more aware of how many hours you may spend scrolling through endless content on social media. Even if you follow “positive” people on social media, you cannot get away from the bombarding negativity that is generated through ads or stories.

Your habitual relationship to your phone is making you more fearful, less empowered and way more susceptible to feeling lonely and depressed!

Turn off all alerts, take a break from social media and if you need a positive distraction, find a show on Netflix because at least you can “control” its content!

You should also limit the amount of COVID19 exposure you have; if you’re more sensitive to what you are watching/reading/discussing, limit yourself to COVID19 news to once a day for 20 minutes to stay up to speed with what’s happening without absorbing so much that it becomes a detriment. You will be ok not knowing EVERY hourly increase of the number of people affected by the virus, or how many points the stock market has swayed. It’s time to live smarter, not harder and ask yourself which of your habits are actually contributing to the fear, isolation and loneliness and which are supporting you and your mental health.

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Tip #5

Use this time to nurture your faith. Faith doesn’t have to be religious, (although it can absolutely be), but it can mean you find space to deepen your beliefs in a higher power, energy, protection, guardian, support, and/or comfort. This can be incredibly soothing to us in moments of feeling out of control and/or lost. If you are unfamiliar with what faith means to you, try initially reading about different types of spirituality/religions to gain a knowledge on practices and values that may speak to you. If you are more logical of a person, focus on your faith in science and technology; the resilience of the human species. Whatever you need to help ground you.

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Tip #6

If you aren’t wanting to spend much time with friends and family in person, be sure you FaceTime, text or call often. Maybe plan to watch a funny movie together, even if you’re afar.

Whether you live alone or with people, start creating traditions. Text your friends daily horoscopes and discuss it later in the afternoon, at 3pm stop and drink a cup of tea, try to meditate daily? Whatever it is, this could be a good time to implement a daily tradition that becomes sacred.

If you are in a relationship and live together, plan intentional time to actually sit and talk to each other. I have included a fun Communication Activity to inspire some intimate communication.

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Tip #7

Go on a walk or jog in your neighborhood and find 5 things that you’ve never noticed. Practice mindfulness daily. It is pretty eye-opening when you start to realize how many things are in your daily environment that you have never seen. This can even go as far as freckles on your partner’s face, spices in your cabinet, your dog’s antics. What is around you that you have never really noticed?

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Tip #8

Bottom line, be grateful. We often forget to appreciate the luxuries of our life– we want something, we get it. We aren’t often told we can’t have something, let alone can’t go somewhere. So take a moment to reframe your “needs.” Do you have shelter? Do you have clothes? Do you have love? Do you have food? Do you have water? Do you need that specific brand of hand sanitizer or that 15th box of cereal? Do you need to get out of your house to enjoy dinner? Do you need immediacy and instant gratification? It is so easy to sit in the fear and negativity in moments like these, but it’s OK to look out your window and truly appreciate the beauty that still exists if we choose to see it. In moments of scarcity, we can truly identify what our real values and needs actually are.

Gratitude is the antidote to fear. So count all the amazingness that surrounds your everyday.

Take a moment to really appreciate all that we take for granted daily.

All and all, plan to cook a meal that takes more than an hour to prepare, deep clean your closets or clip your dog’s nails. Have sexy time with yourself in a hot shower, or ask your partner to join. Do the things that we often avoid because we “don’t have time.” Do the things that you “wish you had time for,” because now, you have no excuse.

And… wash your hands!

The post How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

What Traveling Has Taught Me About (My) Values.

I enjoy traveling. As I think many of us do. We can feel free to be our true authentic selves, not worrying about calorie intake or emails. It’s a feeling of release and ease.

I recently traveled to the West Indies with my adorable husband. We weren’t exactly sure what to expect, but we knew we were up for an adventure.

The moment we arrived, our exhaustion from the full day of travel instantly deteriorated. We immediately felt excited, thankful, and oddly, at home. We struck up a conversation with our lovely taxi driver, Lambert. He was naturally genuine and real, and we felt he was truly interested in teaching us about their community. As he drove through the windy roads, honking at 90% of the cars that passed or the people walking by, he stops in mid sentence to explain, “We honk to say ‘hi’ to our friends here. Not for any other reason, just want you to know, we don’t use our horns in the same way most do.” We laughed, but then I had an immediate flashback from the previous week. While on my way to work, I got honked at by the impatient person behind me, when I didn’t notice (within the millisecond) the light turning green, I’m pretty sure I saw a finger, too. I thought to myself, “Hmm… definitely not the same usage where we come from!” He told us about the political election that was coming up, the drug issues that were unfortunately common in the area; he even told us about his personal life. So real. So open. For the 30 minute taxi ride, we felt as though we experienced more than just transportation, rather we made a true friend. 

We always knew there was something about the American culture that did not necessarily speak to us, but we weren’t exactly sure what that meant. We started figuring it out as the trip continued to expose our inner values and we began to connect the dots of what our passions really are. I started to grasp how much “power,” social status and cultural norms impact our society. I started to truly realize how much people everywhere suffer, yet, when we are, we tend to build defenses around us rather then reach out to community, family, or friends. This was opposite of how I perceived the natives and they embodied this message of peace, kindness, and support. I learned from a few natives, that they were envious of our American rights and opportunities. This makes sense… as their government hasn’t always had their economy’s best interest in mind.

At the same time they expressed this, it also made me feel as though the things they envy about us, are ironically the same things that prevent us from genuinely connecting and often times, feeling truly fulfilled.

Generally speaking, we have the rights to opportunity that many don’t have; we can go to university, start businesses, make investments, etc. In comparison, we have the resources available to us to be financially successful, to save money, to buy expensive stuff.

We (as Americans) seemingly crave success, and ultimately demand respect and positive reinforcement, yet ironically, we rarely know how to genuinely give it due to our insecurities.

My clients often come to me saying, “You know Alysha, I am extremely successful in my career, I make great money and can afford to live in luxury. I did what I was supposed to do; I got an education, scored a fancy job, got married, had children. I even have a golden retriever named, Max. But… There is something inside of me that feels untouched. I don’t feel truly fulfilled with my life. How can my life on paper be the ideal American Dream, yet make me feel so empty?”

I know I have experienced the pressures of our culture, “make more money, climb up the corporate ladder to succeed, make your parents or boss proud, save save save for retirement, buy fancy clothes, get a new car, buy a house, save save save, get expensive stuff, be responsible, buy fancy new gadgets, save save save, buy buy buy buy, make more money, gotta be successful.”

I feel as though it truly never stops! We operate on an implicit foundation that encourages us to focus on material possessions and economic status/“success” rather than focusing on being real, connected and vulnerable with others in our life. We generally don’t let many people in; we don’t know how to trust. We constantly feel criticized and in fear of judgement, so we close off to people and only expose our fancy, successful exteriors to each other. This is a lot safer.

But isn’t feeling understood and safe with others, what makes us feel truly alive? It seems really counter intuitive if you look at it objectively.

Ironically, the same (kind) envy that some of my new friends expressed having toward me and other tourists, is the same thing that has caused many of us Americans to lose sight of being humble and loving toward each other. At the same time, the (kind) envy I have toward them is their innate friendliness and respect to their neighbors, their families, their friends. No judgements, no hate or disrespect… just love. They choose love in times of tragedy and oppression, they choose love in times of peace and harmony…

I think we have a lot to learn from “less privileged” countries.

Couples often come in to my office and express, “I just want to connect more, I truly miss my partner. I want more time to be spent together but I am ‘nagging and pushy’ when I ask for it or I am told my expectations are too high.” While the other partner expresses, “I have to work to provide for our family, to afford our lifestyle. There’s not a lot of time in the day for ‘connecting’ and romance.” I understand how this can truly become an issue, because it is easy to fall victim of our social trap of expectations and perceived values.

However, let’s think about this for a moment in very objective way. Generally speaking:

We live to work as our culture has implied that we do. This often leaves little to no energy/time to truly connect with the closest ones in our life. We make this sacrifice, only to provide the financial security and/or maintain the privileged lifestyle, but then we may find ourselves struggling with connecting with others in a profound way. This ironically, makes our luxury lifestyle meaningless.

In a way, if we value achieving and maintaing a financially rewarding lifestyle over having fulfilling relationships, it will in essence perpetuate our insecurities… which only promote discrimination and defensiveness; it will create defenses, which only cause alienation and loneliness; and it will sustain a lack of fulfillment in our lives.

(**I am not trying to convey that this is a dichotomy and you cannot have both, rather trying to share my experience and shed awareness of the generalization of what we tend to experience in our culture**)

Traveling to this exotic, gorgeous island, reminded me how to love others in the way I always instinctually felt was there, but wasn’t able to always express in our culture, in fear of being criticized by my peers.

The relationships my husband and I made and the relationships we witnessed, showed me how to love myself, even with my own superficial insecurities. It showed me how to feel and show respect, to myself and to others. It touched me in a way that was extremely
humbling and genuinely comforted my soul. Experiencing the natural love between the natives reassured me to feel authentically free and natural. It made me realize us humans are really all the same, but the complexities of power, wealth, success, insecurities and disrespect, often come between us from connecting and feeling safe.

I came home and naturally fell back into the infamous American “daily grind,” but only to feel more fulfilled and grateful for all that I have and all that I am. Although it could be easy to forget the impact the natives had on me, I can feel myself making the necessary shifts to being more patient, less stressed, more loving to strangers and people I don’t normally reach out to; I feel more enriched with the connections I have and more grateful for my accomplishments and abilities. I pride on the idea of having love and friendliness be a part of my life on a daily basis and am an actively refocusing my energy on that over setting financial goals that only steer me away from being humble and grateful.

I will always be excited and grateful for my traveling experiences, and I will always take something authentically significant from the relationships I make during my experiences. It’ll always be more than just a vacation for me and I truly appreciate the lessons I learned from my recent traveling experience to the West Indies.

The post The Ironic Envy : What Traveling Has Taught Me About Values appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

How Counseling Has Changed My Personal Life : A Therapist’s Story

When I say, “I understand that it is difficult for a lot of us to reach out for support,” (especially in regards to our emotional intelligence and relationship insecurities), I personally mean it. I understand why, the topic of counseling can seem extremely uncomfortable and I definitely get the (false) perception of counseling representing pure “weakness.” I understand these things because I have personally felt them as the client; as the resistant person unsure of seeking support out.

It may come to some as a surprise, but I advocate for counseling services full-heartedly, because (for one) I obviously believe in the work I do, but most importantly, because I’ve done my own work with counseling and it’s made a huge impact on my life. 

I remember entering my Master’s program at Regis University. My professor dropped the bomb that all students were required to do 20 hours of their own counseling during the program in order to graduate. Besides being forced to see a therapist once when I was an adolescent, I had never seen a therapist before in my adulthood. I was immediately uncomfortable! [Looking back I think, “What the heck did you expect Alysha? How would you become a therapist and never go to therapy yourself?]”

I was extremely nervous and resistant; for a good year after hearing the requirements, I did not seek out a counselor. I focused on my studies and while the first year of school sort of prepped me for the emotional vulnerability I was ultimately avoiding, I finally decided to see a therapist “for school.” I found myself at that moment, even as a therapist-in-training, reluctant to sit down with a total stranger and open up about issues I sort of knew were there and felt myself not wanting to touch.

Every other week, I sat down, discussed my stressors briefly and felt myself extremely resistant to letting down my guard. I could literally feel myself hold back and I felt like I was  in a virtual reality of some sort and the ultimate goal was to navigate through the session without experiencing pain or tough emotions.  After every session I definitely succeeded in that goal, but felt even more confused, exhausted and temperamental when I got home.

I would not allow myself to cry or dig into deep topics, and 6 months later, I decided to take some time off. Twelve sessions down and 8 more to go, I felt really discouraged and questioned my career path, myself… everything. Why was this so difficult for me?

After a little bit more time and self reflection, I decided to see another therapist.

Knowing what I do now, I was forcing myself into the process when I wasn’t ready and because of that, my counseling experience was not effective.

I didn’t allow myself to trust the therapist and I couldn’t establish the safety that is crucial to healing and moving forward. I “shopped around” for another therapist to join me on my journey and I felt myself ready to be more open and trusting; it was clear there was something going on for me that I wasn’t attune to and was trying desperately to avoid. I could see at this point, I needed more than just documentation of going to 20 sessions. I needed to get to the core of what was personally affecting me.

I met with another therapist whom I felt an instant connection with. Although I was still extremely resistant to opening up with her completely in the first few sessions, I started to realize that as I allowed myself to trust her, my guard started to slowing dissipate and I was actually feeling revived after every session instead of feeling worse.

I realized later, that this was my biggest issue. I didn’t let anyone in because I simply didn’t know how. My suffering had become something I needed to protect from others instead of something I shared; hence, counseling being so uncomfortable for me initially. My therapist taught me a lot about trust; about my own self-awareness and emotions. She helped me feel validated in my experience and instead of protecting my story and ultimately self-sabotaging (which is something I didn’t even realize I was doing!), I was actually able to set my pain free and started to develop my own life without the plaguing pain from the past.

I will admit vulnerably and proudly, I most definitely “practice what I preach,” and I for one, am the first person to admit that I am still on my own journey that consists of constant growth and homework. I experience my own emotions, insecurities, confusion and anxieties. I too, am also human. I want to continue to advocate for counseling services because I see it as a way for people to uniquely and personally bond together on such a human-level, (that unfortunately doesn’t exist in passing or even sometimes with our closest friends and family).

I write my short counseling story to remind people that it’s OK to be human; it’s normal to feel uncomfortable about counseling and being vulnerable is something most of us don’t innately know how to do.

I also write this to display my own relevance to my career and hope to express my passion in a personal and authentic way. I think we as humans are all on the same path of self discovery and fulfillment in some way, regardless of our experiences and past. We may go about approaching this path in very different ways, but I think ultimately, when we strip ourselves of our ego and societal expectations, we are all innately the same. We all can experience overwhelming emotions that we can’t make sense of; we can all struggle sometimes with substance abuse or other unhealthy outlets for emotional safety; we can all have insecurities in our relationships and needs that often don’t get met; we can all find it safer at times to hide our real selves from others.

But… We also all have the choice to work through these effectively and sometimes this requires outside support to teach us how.

I hope my counseling story shows that I, myself, understand the discomfort of seeking out therapy on a very personal level. It is not something I just tell my clients when they sit across from me in session. I myself, understand the conflict and confusion of being on the other side of the therapist’s chair, because I have been there. I am extremely thankful I did it (and continue to do it when I need it).

If you are interested in learning more about me and my services, feel free to contact me.

The post My Counseling Story : Being on the Other Side of the Therapist’s Chair appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Prevent the Superficial Cycle : Why Preventative Counseling is Helping

I still think many people have the misconception that “couples counseling” is only for couples who are on the verge of separating; that “couples counseling” is really just a last resort that requires half-assed effort and little to show for.

I am beyond excited to report that through my experience as a therapist specializing in modern day relationships, couples are voluntarily coming in with more hope and openness for their process… whatever that may look like. They aren’t on the verge of breaking up, in fact, they are asking, “How do we prevent separation?” or “We are pretty happy… how do we stay happy?”

Couples aren’t wanting to come to counseling to serve as an outlet to get out of their relationship, in fact, they are coming to me to get better at being in it.

Because of these couples, I have approached this concept as “preventative counseling.” Preventing the [seemingly] inevitable doom of breaking up or divorcing only a few years after committing themselves to each other in a once, fulfilling and happy relationship.

Why is divorce or separation always an option that plagues the back of our thoughts? Well… that’s a whole other topic that would take a lot more time to dissect. For the purpose of throwing this out there now, I do believe that we live in a society that fears vulnerability and we struggle (especially as a generation) with letting our guards down and really be seen by other people. So, we mask it. This is happening while we upload our [good] photos on social media and dating sites; this is happening when we are “getting to know someone” on our first date; this is even happening when we are in a longterm committed relationship! But why? It seems so damn simple! STOP BEING AFRAID OF BEING YOU.

To avoid sounding harsh here, I will admit. I used to struggle with this too. I hated being vulnerable, especially with men. I hated asking for what I needed and to be 100% frank, I always felt alone even when I had plans every other night and friends in every direction. No one really understood me.

I was tired of living in a fog where I was only portraying 45% of my true self to everyone, (especially when 35% of it was usually intoxicated in some form or reacting uncontrollably to emotions I, myself, wasn’t prepared to face). Yes, at times I had “fun,” but looking back, I can understand why I was so isolated and I didn’t even realize it had everything to do with me.  How did I expect others to get me and really care about me, if I couldn’t even let them in? 

I think many of my clients can relate to this and most are coming in with the same isolating stories…. even in their current long term relationships. 

Because divorce and separation are always on the table, I think we tend to forget the true meaning of commitment.

We want all the bells and whistles, without having to personally work hard for them. We expect the other person to fulfill us; to understand us… we expect that we will just one day wake up and feel completely fearless of sharing everything to our partner and when that day doesn’t come as obvious as we had fantasized, we start to push our partner away even more in fear of never getting there. “There must be someone else out there that can make me happy and who can understand me…” That may be so… but will you avoid being vulnerable with them too? 

So… I get it. We are humans; we are a product of living in a very privileged, but inattentive society and we can successfully “strive” in so many ways without having to admit our faults, failures and insecurities to anyone… not even ourselves. “Fake it ‘till you make it!”….. right? Well, maybe in your career that has been a helpful mantra to live by that has shown you successful outcomes; but in your relationships? Not so much. 

I think we should start to realize that the more we fake it in our relationships; the more we mask our authentic selves to each other… will only continue to lead us feeling more isolated and misunderstood as human beings.

Preventative counseling for couples has been, in my professional and personal opinion, one of the most rewarding approaches to helping people bridge the gap (everyone at some point or situation has experienced) of isolation and misunderstanding. I help couples gain the necessary tools that allow them to build a stronger, deeper foundation that securely connects them in a much more meaningful and authentic way; thus preventing the easy “go-to” solution of breaking up and continuing the same cycle in their next relationship(s).

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Internal Conflicts & Self Esteem : Does being “privileged” impact how we see ourselves and express our emotions?

Most of my clients come in with some kind of emotional regulation, confidence and/or relationship “issue.”  (Why? Well, who doesn’t struggle with these three things at times in their life?) Although these factors are extremely common, I have recently noticed a reoccurring theme with the specific clients who identify themselves as “privileged.” This adds a certain element of complication into the mix that most are not initially aware of.

Some mention right away that their childhoods were “good;” that they grew up living a pretty “normal” life. Many of them feel as though they had everything they could have ever wanted and remember being in sports, going on vacations and having a very “privileged” upbringing.They often express there was not “anything traumatic” that happened in their childhoods and insist there is no need to dissect their past simply because, there’s nothing there; i.e. “My parents rarely argued and I got along with my siblings alright.” 

As we move off the topic of family for the initial “getting to know you phase” I started to notice the prominent theme that seemed to show up in almost every one of my self-identified “privileged” clients. They appeared confused, maybe even a little embarrassed as we opened up their family and upbringing. “My life really wasn’t… or isn’t that bad.” 

It was almost as if these individuals who were seeking my services to help through tough emotions and relationship difficulties, felt ashamed for sitting across from me; a trained therapist who was asking about their past and familial upbringing… but, why?

After building trust and strengthening self-awareness, it became evident to me that in most cases, these “privileged” clients had learned to develop a sense of shame when experiencing normal human emotions. Sometimes it was because they compared themselves to others and felt guilty for having struggles to begin with since their privileged upbringing was not the root cause of any dysfunction.

Because many of these clients had never experienced (what our society generally classifies as) “severe trauma or past related issues” (and actually experienced a “great childhood”), these individuals had learned to dismiss their suffering, while avoiding expressing raw emotions altogether. They felt ungrateful, embarrassed and were genuinely confused as to why they were hurting when (they felt) they had no “reason” to.

This confusion generally results in an internal conflict in which their thoughts, i.e. “stop crying… it could be a lot worse!” and their emotions, i.e. “I’m really depressed,” were never seeming to be on the same page. Responding to this internal conflict generally causes behavioral incongruences, addictions, poor communication, low self esteem and especially relationship conflicts, (actually, the presenting “cause” of why many of my clients were sitting in front of me to begin with).

Because my approach to counseling serves a diverse spectrum of races/genders/sexualities/etc, I help my clients (regardless of their upbringing and perceived experiences/identifiable labels), become aware and accepting  of normal human emotions, without invalidating and/or comparing themselves to others. By doing so, as people, we can learn how to understand ourselves and others around us without experiencing the dreaded imbalance that causes conflict between our perceptions/insecurities and our feelings/behaviors. This helps with building a strong self-esteem and genuine connections with others.

By acknowledging, accepting and appreciating your own struggles and emotions, you can feel relieved of carrying the burden of shame every time you experience normal human suffering… even if you happen to be “privileged.” We are all humans with the right to tend to our own innate reactions and emotional processes regardless of our differences.

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Are our Emotions Irrational or Logical?  How denying yourself the right to feel is actually damaging your relationships and your overall sense of self.

Are our emotions irrational or logical? Experiencing the conflict can be really difficult to navigate for some of us.

I know exactly when it’s happening. My body starts to tighten, my heart immediately starts to beat faster and louder. I can sense an eruption slowly increasing through my chest, entering my throat. I swallow a deep pressure in an attempt to prevent any real reaction to be exposed, afraid of what it will cause. I instantly, (as if the swallow ignites a domino effect), remind myself, “you’re being ridiculous, don’t cry.”

My inner-talk becomes overwhelmingly loud and dominate. It inheriently dismisses my [“stupid”] emotional reaction as it tries to make logic of my  [“irrational”] natural responses. This results in a conflict within myself that seems too difficult to even attempt to understand. I retract, shallow again, and listen to the loud voice that continues to tell me, “stop being so sensitive.” 

I have personally experienced this cycle of questioning whether or not my emotions are irrational or logical, way too many times and many of my clients report experiencing similar sensations and patterns. Can you relate?

By avoiding my emotions and bodily reactions, I literally became emotionally-handicapped and I didn’t even know it! My avoidance and lack of self-awareness was restricting my ability to emotionally function. While this behavior was embedded into my daily routine and comfort zone, it wasn’t until years later that I began to see it for what it really was… damaging. It slowly became obvious to me that I was resorting to erratic behavior instead of facing what was really happening inside of me. Why? It was all in fear of exposing my emotions to others and getting rejected. I would blow up with aggression when I become intoxicated for reasons completely out of left field; I would settle for unhealthy and neglectful relationships in desperate hopes of feeling understood or complete. I was missing the core foundation of what was coming deep within myself. I continued to feel more and more misunderstood and ashamed, and it wasn’t until I began to practice self-awareness that I finally realized how disconnected and out of touch I was with my own self.

I realized I didn’t understand my behavior; instead, I just blamed others for not understanding me. I didn’t understand my emotions; instead, I just allowed my own mind to bully me out of experiencing them sober. I felt weak, uncomfortable with vulnerability and stuck with avoidance in any way I could find an escape.

When we are children, we are often told we shouldn’t cry. We should stop acting like a baby, even when we are too young to process and identify the emotions we are having to convey to our parents what we need effectively. We may have gotten into trouble for misbehaving, all because we lacked the tools to communicate our pain in words. Maybe we came from an abusive or neglectful childhood that enabled us to feel safe being ourselves, so instead we learned to mask our emotions, fear them… and even deny them as a part of us because we interpret the message as, “crying and exposing emotion= BAD.” We then start to subconsciously question,  “are my emotions irrational or logical?” which starts creating the difficult conflict.

When we are adolescents and teenagers, we are often told by grown-ups that our emotional responses are “not that big of a deal,” and that we shouldn’t “take things so personally.” We may fall in love for the first time and get our hearts broken or have a close friend completely betray our friendship. These “things” may seem little to the average adult, who is too busy to create the space for us to feel heard at that age. Unfortuantely, not feeling heard when we are experiencing these emotional things, reinforce our inability to feel safe and trust others. This, only strengthens the message we received as children that there must be something wrong with us if we cry or feel sadness. Thus reinforcing the conflict, “are my emotions irrational or logical?”

We then get into adult relationships in hopes of experiencing movie-inspired love and true intimacy, but fall completely on our asses over and over again when we realize it doesn’t exist.  We try to imitate intimacy and connection, without knowing ourselves well enough to even let our guards down. We unconsciously protect our emotions in fear of how our feelings will be interpreted to our partner, so we revert the other way and typically behave in ways that push them away instead because it’s easier. This phenomena can be considered transference.

Well… no wonder our partner doesn’t understand us. We don’t understand US.

So, are our emotions irrational or logical? Emotions are labeled as “irrational” to our logical minds, (and to give our minds some credit, there is some truth to that). Our emotions don’t always make practical sense or innately follow societal norms. “Irrational” is the opposite of “logical” and when our brains cannot make sense of why we are feeling a certain way, we end up with uncomfortable confusion in an internal conflict that feels self-defeating. How can you get around this conflict and find a balance that is actually a win-win for both parts?

Start with acceptance.

By logically accepting that you indeed, cannot “make sense” of your emotions, your brain is satisfied. Similarly, you can validate yourself emotionally by acknowledge what you feel and experience is real even though it may not make sense. By emotionally accepting that this is indeed natural, normal and most importantly, a part of you, your emotional processes feels freed.

Acceptance can actually become very empowering. It can reinforce our strengths and abilities as human beings and as a result, help us become more in touch with ourselves. When we mask our feelings and natural responses as adults, we run the risk of never being understood by anyone or ever experiencing true intimacy.

So go ahead…. Give yourselves the permission to be [emotional] humans and see what happens. I dare you!

Thanks for reading! I hope this helps normalize our tendencies to protect ourselves emotionally, as well as our intern conflicts when it comes to answering the question, Are our emotions  irrational or logical? Sometimes, you don’t need to know the answer, but rather just give yourself permission to be messy.

Modern Love Counseling offers services for adult couples and individuals in the Denver Metro Area. If you are interested in learning more about me and my services, feel free to contact me.

The post Are our Emotions Irrational or Logical? appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Men in Therapy: A Societal Judgement

I personally despise the idea of men having to be “macho” at all times.  Societally, we put a lot on our men to be brave, strong, buff, responsible, rich, a provider, romantic, etc, etc. Personally, I appreciate and find nothing more intimate than when my partner opens up to me with raw emotions. I love his ability to trust me enough to expose his deep fears and sensitivities, without the fear of judgment. To me, that shows a lot more strength than being able to bench press 500 lbs.

Societally, we assume men do not go to therapy. We often judge the perception of men needing an outlet to express themselves and let their guard down. In my personal life, I often hear my friends (or friends of friends) chatting about how “feminine driven” counseling is. “Only women go to therapy,” or “I bet you get a lot of women to seek you out for couples counseling and their husbands just cringe.” 

The ironic thing about this assumption (in my experience), is that it is a complete misconception [and] what’s extremely interesting about my population or people seeking my services,  is 75% of them are men…

Men from a range of ages (19 to late 40’s), varying in races and sexualities. Men who all struggle with similar issues of not knowing how to fully be themselves in their relationships. The younger men may be struggling more with how to present their authentic selves while dating and pursuing partners in this immediate gratification-false perception-heavy expecation driven dating world, while the more seasoned men are struggling with how to connect with their children/partners; how to be true to themselves in a relationship that has (hardly ever) served them positivity; and how to show their sensitive side to others (without fear of being completely rejected or judged) so they can get their needs met and feel less insecure as a “man.”

Since I started seeing clients, I was curious (and also a little nervous) as to how to “market” my services. I was especially nervous as to how to expose my services to others in my age range; mostly because I believe we easily get caught up in a  false sense of pride as a generation, which is largely due to societal norms and expectations. (This goes for both men and women, regardless or race and sexual orientation). “We don’t need help!” So you can imagine my fear of coming to them with services that help with building vulnerability and exposing hardships to (me) a total stranger.

I was (and continue to be) extremely relieved to see the positive reactions and response from people as I started to educate them on my services and expose my passion of working with relationship and self-perception related issues. More people were actually bonding with me based off my career and passions, because they finally felt safe to disclose having issues within their relationships. They didn’t have to fear me judging them and men (especially) felt empowered to have the space to let everything go to sort through. I strongly believe our society needs counseling, especially for the millennial generation. We don’t have to live in fear of exposing the real us. 

With that said, since I started my career I naturally attracted like-minded individuals who were needing a safe outlet to expose emotion. The men that sought me out were creative, passionate and running into repetitive issues in their own relationships that they were not completely satisfied in. They were financially successful, educated… on paper, “had everything.”

They all seem to be tired of not feeling comfortable exposing their vulnerabilities to family, friends and even their partner. In essence, they were tired of denying their sensitivity.

(Before I continue… I would like to discuss the word “sensitive.” Let me express it is NOT a negative word and does not reflect a “cry-baby who wears their heart on their sleeve.” Sensitivity to me is being strong enough to express emotional responses and being self-aware enough to explore why and what you need. It’s being able to identify “safe” people to express emotions to and being strong enough to accept the ones who are not. The word “sensitive” often has a negative connotation, [at least I know it did in my home growing up] and we are often told as children to “suck it up,” or “stop crying.” As a result, our normal emotional responses would be completely dismissed and would often have extreme consequences. We then learn to reject that label and mask our emotions, especially men, because we start to identify “sensitivity/exposing emotions/needing support” as BAD).

The men that I work with are extremely “sensitive” (even when it’s subtle) and I honor the strength that it genuinely takes to expose that to another human-being. They are exhausted from playing the tough-man role that our society has subjected them to. It’s extremely difficult for them to learn how to trust themselves with their natural reactions and emotions, while exposing it to others around them.

Men should continue to embrace therapy and counseling services.

I admire the men that seek my services, individually and/or for their relationships in couples counseling, and I would like to give direct kudos to my current male clients. I genuinely salute you and your strength to fight against the societal judgement of “men seeking counseling services” in the first place, and I full-heartedly appreciate your strength to work on building the more confident you… that includes emotions.

If you are interested in learning more about me and my services, feel free to contact me.

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