Romance Archives - Modern Love Counseling™ https://www.modernlovecounseling.com/category/romance/ Relationship Counseling for Couples and Individuals in Denver, Colorado. Fri, 24 Sep 2021 15:54:15 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.5.4 https://www.modernlovecounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Heart_logo_mlc-50x50.png Romance Archives - Modern Love Counseling™ https://www.modernlovecounseling.com/category/romance/ 32 32 How to Keep a Relationship Alive https://www.modernlovecounseling.com/how-to-keep-the-spark-alive/ https://www.modernlovecounseling.com/how-to-keep-the-spark-alive/#comments Thu, 01 Apr 2021 21:08:07 +0000 https://www.modernlovecounseling.com/?p=2857 The post How to Keep a Relationship Alive appeared first on www.modernlovecounseling.com.

Written by Kate Barrington and Alysha Jenney Takeaway: Whether you are in a long-term, live-in relationship or a long-distance one, it isn’t uncommon to wonder about how to keep the relationship alive. No matter how much you love your partner, the passion and excitement tend to dwindle as the novelty of your relationship dissolves. If you find yourself reading this article, please know you are not alone and this is very natural. Here are some ideas from couples therapists in Denver on how to keep relationships exciting when they experience lulls.   — One of the most satisfying aspects of being in a long-term relationship is how well you and your partner know each other. You’ve spent months, maybe even years together and you’ve endured your fair share of challenges while making memories along the way. Though there’s comfort in familiarity, sometimes what you really want is to switch things up – to try something new. We all could use a little change in our day-to-day WFH grind. How do you keep a relationship interesting? A relationship is only as interesting as you are. When you are feeling bored in the relationship, make it a point to acknowledge your limitations and… Read More

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Written by Kate Barrington and Alysha Jenney

Takeaway: Whether you are in a long-term, live-in relationship or a long-distance one, it isn’t uncommon to wonder about how to keep the relationship alive. No matter how much you love your partner, the passion and excitement tend to dwindle as the novelty of your relationship dissolves. If you find yourself reading this article, please know you are not alone and this is very natural. Here are some ideas from couples therapists in Denver on how to keep relationships exciting when they experience lulls.  

One of the most satisfying aspects of being in a long-term relationship is how well you and your partner know each other. You’ve spent months, maybe even years together and you’ve endured your fair share of challenges while making memories along the way. Though there’s comfort in familiarity, sometimes what you really want is to switch things up – to try something new. We all could use a little change in our day-to-day WFH grind.

How do you keep a relationship interesting?

A relationship is only as interesting as you are. When you are feeling bored in the relationship, make it a point to acknowledge your limitations and maybe go outside of your comfort zone. What is something you’ve always wanted to learn how to do? What is something you feel interests you? What is something that turns you on, but you’ve been nervous to explore?  Go with it!

Learning something new may be all you need to spark alive in your relationship because it gives you something to talk about, something to look forward to and helps your overall mental and emotional wellbeing. 

Here are some other ideas on how to keep the spark alive in your long-term relationship.

Indulge yourselves with enjoyable past events and memories

Look at photos, read journal entries, and have conversations about how you first met. Reminiscing can help the two of you tap into enjoyable emotions that you’ve gotten too busy or too comfortable to tap into.

how to keep a relationship alive

Reminiscing also helps us get back into the mental and emotional state of being present and open, like we once were in the beginning.  Pick up some nice frames at the craft store or assemble your top picks in a scrapbook or photo book. If you want to go digital, go through old photos on your phones and stream them to the TV screen. 

Have sacred rituals

Have sacred rituals that the two of you commit to; whether that be you go to an exotic vacation once a year together, or you have sex in the shower at every place you stay in! 

Introduce a new hobby

Try out a board game or an outdoor activity to start exploring together. At your next date night, try something new that is out of both of your comfort zones. For example, you could go listen to live Jazz at a swanky club, play tennis or rock climb.  Schedule a date that is specifically meant for role play. Pretend that you both are on a first date! 

Appreciate the adventures, but also appreciate the moments of calmness

Being bored in your relationship is an opportunity to grow, but it is also a time to reflect in gratitude for the memories and level of comfort you both feel. During down times, try telling each other verbally how much you appreciate each other for the little things. Cuddle often and try to not take each other for granted everyday, by reflecting on the gratitude to have for one another before bed. 

Talk about lulls

This may seem counterproductive, but communicating about a lull in the relationship may be what both of you need to hold each other accountable for trying one of these above tips. Try simply saying, “Hey, I miss you. Can we prioritize intentional time to connect?” 

Tackle your partner’s to-do list

A surprise doesn’t always have to be a physical gift – you could show your partner you care by performing an act of service. Tackle a few items on your partner’s to-do list so they have a little extra free time to relax or to spend with you.

Try the 4-course meal challenge from TikTok

Everyone loves food, especially when it’s a surprise. Give the 4-course meal challenge a try by taking turns picking out drinks, appetizers, entrees, and dessert. Use the meal as a chance to spend some quality time catching up with your partner.

how to keep the spark alive

Write them a love letter

In today’s world, communication is often done through text or email, so show your partner you care by surprising them with a hand-written love letter. If you want to get really creative, you could write several shorter notes and hide them around the house for your partner to find.

Book a hotel room for the two of you

If it’s been a while since you and your partner had any alone time together, why not book a hotel room for a night or the whole weekend. Order room service then kick back and watch movies or soak in the jacuzzi together for a little quality one-on-one time. It’ll be nice getting out of your homes and into a new environment!

Buy something sexy for yourself or your partner

Feeling sexy is crucial in allowing yourself to be open to erotic experiences. Why not pick out a sexy piece of lingerie or a introduce a top rated couples sex toy as a surprise for your partner? Psssst… If erectile dysfunction is ever a barrier, you can plan ahead and get a prescription for ED medication online. 

Feeling stuck? Go outside of your comfort zones and discuss sex in meaningful ways with our Intimacy Guide.

Buy a Modern Love Box subscription

As a relationship expert, I co-created The Modern Love Box with my husband because many of us long-term couples struggle at times with reviving the spark. Lulls in relationships are common and normal, but oftentimes, couples don’t have the tools on how to effectively work through them.

how to keep the spark in the relationship

If you’ve having trouble coming up with ideas or ways to revive the passion with your partner, The Modern Love Box is a great choice. Choose from curated Date Boxes filled with products and prompts to help you and your partner step up all levels of intimacy, our digital monthly communication activity meant to help the two of you deepen your communication and have more interesting topics to discuss at any date night, and/or our adult intimacy products that help you both explore sexually.

Most of the work is done for you and each of the offerings give you the opportunity to get closer and more connected when you are struggling with knowing how. 

Check out our date box!

So how do you keep a relationship alive after two years?

Two years is generally when a couple starts to feel the loss of their honeymoon stage. Although they are more comfortable with each other, have more security and may even be making bigger decisions together, they may also be struggling with experiencing the passion they once felt.

You can keep your relationship alive after two years by making it a point to continue to date each other. Continue to create new memories, recreate sacred ones, and give each other the quality attention you both used to effortlessly give one another. Celebrate anniversaries, enjoy quality time with intention, and be conscious of not letting the day-to-day stress rob you of the precious time you both get together. Any moment can become stale, but how do you intentionally make time to be flirty, playful and sexy?

You know your partner better than anyone, so take your time to think through this list and choose a surprise your partner will appreciate and enjoy. You never know – it might just set off a fun new tradition of surprising each other to keep the spark in your relationship alive!

Keep the spark alive with the Modern Love Box

We understand that keeping the spark alive in a relationship can be a challenging process. That’s why we recommend trying our date night subscription box the Modern Love Box if you and your partner are feeling stuck.

If you are interested in learning more about our counseling services in Denver, CO, feel free to contact me. I’m here to help! Thanks for reading.

 

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Date Night Box | Prioritize Your Relationship From Home https://www.modernlovecounseling.com/date-night-box/ https://www.modernlovecounseling.com/date-night-box/#comments Sun, 10 Jan 2021 21:59:22 +0000 https://www.modernlovecounseling.com/?p=2104 The post Date Night Box | Prioritize Your Relationship From Home appeared first on www.modernlovecounseling.com.

Date Night Box : Why it’s Important to Prioritize Your Relationship… Especially Now Most likely, you’ve been rocked pretty hard the last few months. Having little to no energy, resources, or outlets, you may find yourselves feeling burdened by the idea of preparing for anything, let alone a creative a date night in. You may know it’s important to keep the spark alive, but since you’ve been barricading in lockdown, you may feel like your spark is completely suffocated. It can be challenging to find the energy to “do something different” when most of us are not willing or able to go outside of our homes very often. If you have children, then you also know the struggle of having to balance more responsibilities than you are mentally or physically capable of. This year has been tough and it continues to be. One thing we can take away from this year is to truly value our loved ones. Many of us haven’t seen our families for months, or have limited time with beloved friends. If we are living with a partner, we may find ourselves arguing more often because we lack the boundaries we once had access to. It can… Read More

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Date Night Box : Why it’s Important to Prioritize Your Relationship… Especially Now

Most likely, you’ve been rocked pretty hard the last few months. Having little to no energy, resources, or outlets, you may find yourselves feeling burdened by the idea of preparing for anything, let alone a creative a date night in. You may know it’s important to keep the spark alive, but since you’ve been barricading in lockdown, you may feel like your spark is completely suffocated. It can be challenging to find the energy to “do something different” when most of us are not willing or able to go outside of our homes very often. If you have children, then you also know the struggle of having to balance more responsibilities than you are mentally or physically capable of. This year has been tough and it continues to be.

One thing we can take away from this year is to truly value our loved ones. Many of us haven’t seen our families for months, or have limited time with beloved friends. If we are living with a partner, we may find ourselves arguing more often because we lack the boundaries we once had access to. It can be tough trying to find romantic time when we feel stuck in our heads, our responsibilities, the same surroundings day in and day out.

Well, a date night box isn’t going to be a magic cure that changes your life in an instant. However, it can take the pressure off you both and offer the excitement that you’re relationship has been craving for weeks. My husband and I started a subscription box company for couples in 2016, but shortly after we got pregnant and had to alter our business plans. Then, as all of us, our lives continued to change in 2020. With all the adaptions to our new routines, we were inspired to get our couples date night box business back and running. It seemed necessary to help couples who were also stuck at home, struggling to find the energy and space to connect.

My husband and I can personally relate to how challenging it can be to invest and prioritize quality intentional time. We used to be really good at it, until we had a baby and then 2020 shattered our plans of childcare and work-life balance. We have been together for twelve years and raising a toddler that we both juggle between our work and home responsibilities, we are lucky if we even check in with how the other one is doing! It’s often so easy to prioritize everything else but ourselves or our relationship during a time that has caused so much uncertainty, stress and anxiety for all of us.

We get it, we have been living through it, too!

Quarantine has been tough on our mental, emotional and physical well-being.

No matter how loving your relationship, it’s probably been challenged this past year in some way and prioritizing your connection may be part of the challenge. When couples need support with keeping their spark alive, it’s easy to feel defeated and just stick to what is comfortable. This may look like the two of you rarely having intentional moments to really talk or spend quality time together. Many couples pull apart during these (normal) but uncomfortable times in their partnership and some seek counseling to help them get back on track.

Before you get stuck in the mundane routine and start losing your connection altogether, it could be time to start exploring a date night box (possibly in addition to couples therapy if that feels helpful). Date night boxes can be really fun, engaging and help you both disconnect from your day-to-day responsibilities.

The Modern Love Box

Our date night box company is called The Modern Love Box. We offer a digital subscription filled with communication activities to provoke meaningful and intentional communication. Our communication activities get sent to you once a month and can be a perfect addition to any date night in, walk, or pillow talk. This is a great activity for any couple, at any stage of your relationship looking to bump up quality emotional intimacy. Because I am a therapist, I understand the importance of communication. Many couple just don’t know how to invoke deeper communication and so they default to not talking at all. Our inbox subscription invoked questions for you, so you don’t have to feel pressure to come up with dialogue all by yourself. Topics range from sex, finances, world issues, passions, your love languages/needs, desires, feelings, etc.

If you are looking for more of a physical date night box, we also offer best selling boxes that include a curated experience/theme, a communication activity and products to tie it all together. Our box themes all incorporate emotional, physical and sexual intimacy. The benefits are endless!

There are so many different types of date night boxes out there. If you’re looking for playful fun, mystery games or in our business’ case, overall intimacy enhancement, there is something for you and your partner to explore. Brides.com included our business as one of the best digital subscriptions for couples in their recent article, The Best Date Night Subscription Boxes.

So although a date night box will not revolutionize your life in an instant, it may actually be a tool that propels you and your partner to a deeper understanding and closeness. Our boxes may inspire you both to enjoy physical intimacy more and to slow down. Date boxes inspire you both to be present and engaged. What more could we want during this time?

It’s become my biggest passion to help others and enhance relationships. I know they aren’t always easy and I also know they require intentional commitment. 2020 has been a devastating year and although 2021 is inspiring some hope, we have to take care of ourselves and each other. Remember what is truly important. Most likely they are sitting right next to you.


Want to give The Modern Love inBox a try? Sign up for your first month free! If you’re interested in one of our boxes, enjoy free US shipping with promo code MLC2021.

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Top 5 Reasons to Find Unique Ways to Connect https://www.modernlovecounseling.com/unique-ways-to-connect/ https://www.modernlovecounseling.com/unique-ways-to-connect/#comments Fri, 20 Jul 2018 21:51:24 +0000 http://www.modernlovecounseling.com/?p=1620 The post Top 5 Reasons to Find Unique Ways to Connect appeared first on www.modernlovecounseling.com.

Unique Ways to Connect : Top 5 reasons why it’s important to find different ways to connect with your partner Unique ways to connect: The importance of finding different ways to sustain your connection. If you are reading this, you are probably in a relationship and are struggling with finding unique ways to connect with each other. You probably struggle at times with the difficulty of sustaining a genuine spark year after year. You may be frustrated with trying to find unique date night ideas, or struggle with coming up with new content to chat about over dinner. Maybe you and your partner feel so disconnected that you are contemplating if the spark is even possible to come back. The “spark” is complex; it involves sexual chemistry, intellectual connection, emotional sensitivity, fun and spontaneity, friendship, companionship, etc, etc. When the spark starts to fizzle, it’s normal for us to feel scared, frustrated and even discouraged. We expect a lot of our partner/relationship and sometimes we can get overwhelmed when we aren’t feeling close. Sometimes we expect our relationship’s spark and connection to sustain in the same way it developed when we first started dating. Of course, it would be ideal to have… Read More

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Unique Ways to Connect : Top 5 reasons why it’s important to find different ways to connect with your partner

Unique ways to connect: The importance of finding different ways to sustain your connection. If you are reading this, you are probably in a relationship and are struggling with finding unique ways to connect with each other. You probably struggle at times with Unique Ways to Connectthe difficulty of sustaining a genuine spark year after year. You may be frustrated with trying to find unique date night ideas, or struggle with coming up with new content to chat about over dinner. Maybe you and your partner feel so disconnected that you are contemplating if the spark is even possible to come back.

The “spark” is complex; it involves sexual chemistry, intellectual connection, emotional sensitivity, fun and spontaneity, friendship, companionship, etc, etc. When the spark starts to fizzle, it’s normal for us to feel scared, frustrated and even discouraged. We expect a lot of our partner/relationship and sometimes we can get overwhelmed when we aren’t feeling close.

Sometimes we expect our relationship’s spark and connection to sustain in the same way it developed when we first started dating. Of course, it would be ideal to have the honeymoon stage sustain throughout our entire relationship; but the reality is, that doesn’t exist. Nothing is permanent, but change. We have to detach from the expectation that “happiness” should be easy, or that our relationships shouldn’t require work when the spark starts to fizzle. Our spark is similar to a real flame. It burns out and needs to be reignited once in a while.

Unique Ways to ConnectSo why is it important to reignite the spark and find unique ways to connect with our partner year after year? Why is it important to establish unique ways to connect, even when we feel discouraged, resentful, frustrated, rejected and/or uncomfortable?

5 Important Reasons to Find Unique Ways to Connect with Your Partner:

Why it’s Important to Find Unique Ways to Connect #1: It revives your relationship on all levels.

Why is this important? Long term relationships get bored or stagnate easily. It’s common to get stuck in the day-to-day stressors and pressures, that we often forget to nurture our relationship in the same way we used to when we were first getting to know each other. Unique Ways to ConnectFinding unique ways to connect can help you both get inspired to flirt, let go of day-to-day pressures and give yourselves permission to prioritize your relationship. Here’s a tip: Make it a priority to commit to one day per week and/or one hour daily that there are no external interruptions. Not even television. Make it a point to cook dinner together while you chat, listen to music, sip on wine. Go for a walk in a random neighborhood and make note of the houses and scenery. This can also be as simple as eating a meal together without your phones!

Why it’s Important to Find Unique Ways to Connect #2: It helps you fall in love all over again.

Falling in love is something we often grieve when we are in a long term relationship. We often miss the butterflies, the mystery and overall experience of learning about another person and merging our lives together. “Falling in love” was such a beautiful time in your relationship! When you find unique ways to connect, you may not even realize that this can promote the same chemical reaction (oxytocin, i.e. “the love hormone”) and can also help you feel similarly to when you initially started falling in love. Why is this important? It solidifies our bond, helps us feel reconnected and rejuvenates our overall relationship. Here’s a tip: tell each other three things daily that you are grateful for that your partner did, does, is, etc. Verbally affirming to each other the things you appreciate allow your partner to feel validated and appreciated, which helps both of you get out of the rut of taking advantage of each other.

Why it is Important to Find Unique Ways to Connect #3: It gives you permission to be vulnerable with each other.

You may not even realize this, but regardless of how long you have been together, you are still working on building safety and vulnerability in your relationship. Maybe the initial vulnerable hurdle was saying you loved each other; then it maybe lead to an occasional toot in bed; then the vulnerability got really heavy when one of you experienced a loss of a job or a family member. We are constantly growing and changing; life is constantly moving. Each new day, month and year activates new challenges and new experiences. Vulnerability is the key to any successful relationship and when we exercise our vulnerable selves within the relationship, we are actually building more and more trust within each other. This is incredibly bonding and important to continue to nurture throughout your relationship. Here’s a tip: Do something once a month, once a quarter or season that scares you or is something you have never done before. This can be an activity that you do together (sky diving, improv comedy, karaoke, sex shop); this can also be a difficult conversation (about intimacy, sex, etc). Try to continue to push yourselves to strengthen vulnerability.

Why it is Important to Find Unique Ways to Connect #4: It forces you both the learn more about each other.

You may think you know everything about each other, but that assumption is because you got lazy and forgot to keep exploring. Your partner is constantly evolving and there is something about Unique Ways to Connectthem that you probably don’t really know, understand and/or spend a lot of time being curious about. Learning more about each other helps you both continue to be curious. Curiosity is sexy and builds desire! Here’s a tip: Go to counseling even though you may not be “fighting” or “in a bad place” and have the therapist prompt questions for both of you to process and explore together. Counseling does not have to be a place only intended to “fix” your relationship; in fact, it can be a safe place for both of you to enhance your relationship and prevent future issues.

Why it is Important to Find Unique Ways to Connect #5: It reinforces the reason(s) you fell in love in the first place.

Let’s face it, we naturally take life and our relationships for granted from time to time. We lose sight of what’s really important and meaningful. We often forget the reasons why we choose our person and often fall into the trap of comparisons or doubt when our relationship isn’t going as smoothy as we hope. Here’s a tip: Reminisce about your “firsts,” go to the place you had your first vacation, date, adventure. Verbalize to each other how you felt when you both fell in “like” and in love with each other. Another idea, try check out The Modern Love Box that offers communication activities and luxury promotes to inspire and enhance connection.

lovequizTake the Love Quiz and check your relationship’s pulse!

The Modern Love Box is a subscription box created to inspire couples to find unique ways to connect with each other and enhance all levels of their relationship. Use promo code MLC35 for 35% off!

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Additional Resources for Couples : The Modern Love Box https://www.modernlovecounseling.com/the-modern-love-box/ https://www.modernlovecounseling.com/the-modern-love-box/#comments Tue, 16 May 2017 20:54:20 +0000 http://www.modernlovecounseling.com/?p=1303 The post Additional Resources for Couples : The Modern Love Box appeared first on www.modernlovecounseling.com.

Introducing The Modern Love Box : A Resource for You and Your Partner Sustaining the spark in a long term relationship can be difficult at times. The romance may fizzle, the daily grind may take over, date nights may feel stale. It’s OK. This is totally normal. Someone once said, “love is a journey, not a destination,” and with that comes the boredom, the balance, the excitement and the struggle. It’s about time we start talking about the reality of sustaining the connection in our modern relationship! Our relationships are not Ryan Gosling movies! They aren’t always easy, romantic, hot and passionate. We have a lot of work to juggle, priorities to tend to and often needs that get dismissed. We don’t love our partner any less if we desire more connection! There is a reason why most of us miss the honeymoon stage of our relationship, because most things were intriguing, new and easy!  “We don’t have time to connect at home.” “My partner never plans date night.” “We’re too busy.” Sound familiar? Not every couple feels they “need” counseling. Not every couple “wants” to go to counseling. Hey, to each their own! I get it. But, if counseling isn’t your thing, what other resources do you have if you would like to… Read More

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Introducing The Modern Love Box : A Resource for You and Your Partner

Sustaining the spark in a long term relationship can be difficult at times. The romance may fizzle, the daily grind may take over, date nights may feel stale. It’s OK. This is totally normal. Someone once said, “love is a journey, not a destination,” and with that comes the boredom, the balance, the excitement and the struggle.

It’s about time we start talking about the reality of sustaining the connection in our modern relationship! Our relationships are not Ryan Gosling movies! They aren’t always easy, romantic, hot and passionate. We have a lot of work to juggle, priorities to tend to and often needs that get dismissed. We don’t love our partner any less if we desire more connection! There is a reason why most of us miss the honeymoon stage of our relationship, because most things were intriguing, new and easy! 

“We don’t have time to connect at home.”

“My partner never plans date night.”

“We’re too busy.”

Sound familiar?

Not every couple feels they “need” counseling. Not every couple “wants” to go to counseling. Hey, to each their own! I get it. But, if counseling isn’t your thing, what other resources do you have if you would like to enhance your relationship? (Here’s a hint: there really aren’t many!) This is why The Modern Love Box was created.

I kept hearing the same complaint over and over again, regardless of what my clients were working through. It made me realize, offering the suggestion to ‘plan more date nights’ as a therapist, was really not helpful. In fact, it often created more disappointment and stress!

Date night

I found that most couples were in need of inspiration. They were craving something different, but they didn’t know how to ask for it. They often didn’t even know what that looked like! When I would encourage them to discuss what “connection” means to them, most would identify that they’re missing quality engagement.

When I take my therapist hat off, I too, can understand how important it is to have quality time and adventure in my partnership. It’s hard to prioritize sometimes and our “go, go, go” nature can really impact our connection. We are stressed as a society, we are drained with our responsibilities, the last thing we want to do is come up with a creative date night that may or may not even pan out! It’s frustrating!

Because of this, my husband and I decided to partner up and create The Modern Love Box. We knew there was a need for couples to have additional resources (other than counseling) that support the necessities of sustaining the spark and deepening all levels of their connection.

The Modern Love Box The Modern Love Box supports all couples, at any stage of their relationship looking to bump up their quality time in a convenient and accessible way. Our mission is meant to inspire your partnership, (and not because we believe something is “wrong” and you need it, but because we think all couples could use it. Us included!)

As I mentioned, traditional “date night” is really important, but as a couples therapist, I’ve come to realize that most couples aren’t utilizing date night to its optimum potential.

We can help.

If you believe long term fulfillment in your partnership requires consistent quality time, passionate intimacy and fun, and you’d like to continue to grow in your relationship, than our box may be a helpful tool. It is not “counseling in a box” nor does it claim to give you therapeutic benefits. However, it is intended to help motivate you two to create the time you need to engage, as well as provide you with tools, techniques and luxury products to inspire you both to connect in new ways.

No more excuses, no more resentments on who plans date night. All you need is willingness! Here’s what to expect:

The Modern Love Box What to Expect

 

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If you are interested in learning more about me, my counseling services or The Modern Love Box in Denver, CO feel free to contact me. Thanks for reading!

 

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How to Improve Sex in a Relationship https://www.modernlovecounseling.com/how-to-improve-sex-in-a-relationship/ https://www.modernlovecounseling.com/how-to-improve-sex-in-a-relationship/#comments Thu, 28 Jan 2016 20:16:01 +0000 http://www.modernlovecounseling.com/?p=883 The post How to Improve Sex in a Relationship appeared first on www.modernlovecounseling.com.

How to Improve Sex in a Relationship | Here’s How Your SEXpectations may be Limiting Your Sex Life in a Longterm Relationship I often hear the common complaint from clients regarding their intimacy and sexual relationship with their longterm partner: “We don’t have as much sex as we used to.” “We have become complacent. Sex is more of a routine.” “Our honeymoon stage is way gone.” “I don’t really ever desire sex.” Sound familiar? This is normal.  I would love to say there is a simple remedy to “fixing” this “problem,” but unfortunately this is a bit more complex than telling you to buy a vibrator or change up your sex positions… (although… that maybe wouldn’t hurt). I believe we tend to stress heavily on our sex lives in our society and when the inevitable strikes of less frequent or less passionate sex, we immediately become bombarded with negative assumptions and insecurities. Most often, we don’t turn toward our partners when this occurs, we become more and more closed off to them. So how do we improve sex in a relationship? Especially a longterm relationship when things have become less and less exciting and the newness of passion has dissolved? I… Read More

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How to Improve Sex in a Relationship | Here’s How Your SEXpectations may be Limiting Your Sex Life in a Longterm Relationship

I often hear the common complaint from clients regarding their intimacy and sexual relationship with their longterm partner:

“We don’t have as much sex as we used to.”

“We have become complacent. Sex is more of a routine.”

“Our honeymoon stage is way gone.”

“I don’t really ever desire sex.”

Sound familiar?

This is normal. 

I would love to say there is a simple remedy to “fixing” this “problem,” but unfortunately this is a bit more complex than telling you to buy a vibrator or change up your sex positions… (although… that maybe wouldn’t hurt). I believe we tend to stress heavily on our sex lives in our society and when the inevitable strikes of less frequent or less passionate sex, we immediately become bombarded with negative assumptions and insecurities. Most often, we don’t turn toward our partners when this occurs, we become more and more closed off to them. So how do we improve sex in a relationship? Especially a longterm relationship when things have become less and less exciting and the newness of passion has dissolved?

I believe, as anything in our relationship (the friendship, connection, intimacy, passion, fun), we can expect one thing: there will always be change.  It is impossible to stay consistent in every part of our lives and as we feel different on a daily basis about our jobs, our appearance, our motivation… we are going to feel different about our partner and our relationship. I think the issue is the expectations we put on ourselves and our partners to always be “how it used to be,” or just magically “get better” without working at it. We demand that they know what we need, what we require, what we desire. We demand that it stays easy and worry when it becomes more difficult to sustain.

Why? 

I could go on about social media and societal pressures, because I do genuinely believe this has a huge impact on how we see ourselves and our relationships (including our sex lives), but for the moment, I will skip over this and say, it is because we have too high and unrealistic expectations of what a “good sex life” in a relationship looks like.

I have complied a list of realistic expectations of sex in a relationship and if you can test yourself to reframe the current expectations you have of your partner and sex to these, it may help with decreasing the amount of pressure and perceived negative assumptions that have become a wedge in your relationship… or simply, prevent them from occurring in the future:

  • How to improve sex in a relationship #1: Expect to work at intimacy for the rest of your life. This means, it is completely false to assume that the “spark” sustains in your relationship naturally and that something is “wrong” if it starts to dissipate. (Although there are exceptions, this is not always the case!) You have to work on the emotional intimacy, trust, mutual respect, vulnerability, romance and patience in a long term relationship. When the sex starts to slow down, maybe it’s telling you those other areas of your relationship are not as strong and you need to communicate about what other needs are not being met for you and your partner in your relationship that may or may not have anything to do with sex!
  • How to improve sex in a relationship #2: Expect to work at uncovering your own insecurities and preferences of exploring your own sexuality. Without understanding your own body and having self-awareness about your own struggles, it really is difficult to ask for what you need (or to even know what you need). Be excited about uncovering different sexual experiences as you age together and build more comfortability in your own bodies. Try this Intimacy Guide for prompting questions to help inspire deep understanding.
  • How to improve sex in a relationship #3: Expect your partner to have a differing opinion of what “intimacy” and “good sex” even are and do your best at understanding their definition, as well as understanding your own. This means, your partner may find communicating about the day and inquiring about their day, extremely sexy and intimate. This may be a form of “foreplay” for your partner that actually helps build the desire to want to have more passionate or frequent sex. Without knowing this, you may both be passing up daily opportunities to build the trust and emotional connection in the relationship that fosters the passion in your sex lives.
  • How to improve sex in a relationship #4: Expect your sex life to be cyclical. Meaning, sometimes it will feel effortless, romantic and passionate… and sometimes it will be the last thing on your mind. This is normal! A “fulfilling and healthy sex life” doesn’t have to look like a Ryan Gosling film filled with romance and six-packs… nor does it have to look like a certain number per week. A “fulfilling and healthy sex life” is what you and your partner decide feels right to both of you. My belief, a “healthy sex life” means being open, feeling safe enough to be vulnerable and most importantly, being able to communicate about your needs, fantasies, insecurities, concerns and desires.
  • How to improve sex in a relationship #5: Expect your partner to not know how to read your mind. Again… which means, you have to feel safe to communicate and have to know what you are trying to communicate.
  • How to improve sex in a relationship #6: Expect you and your partner to have different sex drives. (Most couples do, and it’s often impossible to find two people consistently obtaining the same sex drive for the rest of their lives). This can be worked around when you discuss and fully understand what gets your partner going. This takes time and patience… This takes being committed to your partner’s needs and being understanding of their differences respectfully.
  • How to improve sex in a relationship #7: Expect to feel rejected from time to time. And know this is OK. Because not every two people are exactly alike, you may find that when you attempt to approach your partner to initiate sex, they may not be interested. A good rule of thumb, communicate with your partner about how you feel when you initiate it and when your feelings may have gotten hurt when you felt rejected; also listen to your partner communicate how they may prefer to be approached to reduce the feeling of rejection and offer a suggestion of how it may feel less hurtful for them to turn you down if they aren’t in the mood for the future. A good example may be, “I’m sorry babe, I appreciate you trying to get me going but right now I’m too exhausted to allow myself to get there. Can we reschedule this for tomorrow?” (And actually follow through). This can feel devastating to a partnership, hence why it is so important to be respectful of when you aren’t on the same page. Try to work at equally initiating sex regularly.
  • How to improve sex in a relationship #8: Expect to have insecurities about sex from time to time and know that it’s OK, because you’re human. When building the trust and vulnerability with your partner becomes more comfortable, the sexual insecurities will become less intense and will help with communicating about what you need or want in the bedroom. Without feeling the trust with your partner, it is impossible to feel safe enough to explore your sexuality with them… which is sort of the whole point, right? So talk to them about it. They may have the reassurance that is crucial for you to start breaking away at your own self-image or sexuality concerns.

The biggest point to highlight here is sex is not the most important part of a relationship. To experience a fulfilling sex life in a longterm relationship, you need to be open to building on the other essential parts to feeling connected with your partner. Sex and passion are important components to a longterm relationship, but the key to working at it is building the other pillars of trust, vulnerability and communication, that help create it and hold the passionate sex life together.

If you and your partner are experiencing a decrease in sex, sexual passion and intimacy, it may be a great time to explore seeking out support with helping bridge the essential gaps to create a solid foundation for all parts of your relationship. A passionate sex life is difficult to sustain because it requires more and more intimacy and vulnerability as your relationship because more and more complex.

If you are interested in learning more about me and my counseling services in Denver, CO feel free to contact me. Thanks for reading!

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