Ask a Relationship Therapist : Do you have questions about your relationship or about relationships in general?

Ask a Relationship Therapist your questions about love, intimacy, couples, situationships, insecurities, and more. Leave a comment below (anonymously if you’d like) or email Alysha directly.

*Please note, by Alysha answering your questions, she is only offering suggestions or perspective based on her scope of expertise. Alysha is not liable for the outcome of your situation and the answers she provides is not counseling. Alysha also cannot answer all of your questions, but will try. Thank you for reading.

Ask a Relationship Therapist: Question #1

Hey Alysha! Thank you for writing such an informative blog. It’s been helpful to me since I found it over a year ago. I wanted to ask a question specific to my relationship. I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over 3 years and he doesn’t seem like he wants to get married or make a bigger commitment to me. It’s devastating and I am afraid I am wasting my time if he one day just says he doesn’t want to be together anymore. When I ask about marriage, he generally gets defensive or tells me that he wants us to be a stronger or better couple before settling down. What does this mean?? Am I wasting my time??

-Alex, 29, AZ

Hi Alex! Thank you for reaching out with such a complex question. Given that I do not know your partner’s perspective, I can only speculate based on what I have helped many other couples with in this position. Three years often feels like a really long time and on some levels it is. However, on other levels, you really are still learning about each other and this may be what he is alluding to when he says he wants to be “stronger or better” couple. I can imagine that language is triggering, because you may hear this as a criticism or rejection; but I’m curious if his overall intention is wanting to articulate his desire to feel more understood, more at ease or comfortable emotionally, more confident about your overall conflict resolution, more align with your sex life and needs, established in your roles, etc, etc. Often when one person is struggling with the idea of “moving to the next level” in their relationship, it is because there is either an unspoken energy that feels off that they cannot identify or articulate and they hope after time it will just click; or because they can identify what feels off but are too afraid to communicate it because it often sparks conflict, resentment or hurt feelings. Often times, when a couple struggles with finding mutual validation, they struggle with finding solutions to issues that seem constant and they naturally struggle with doubting their future in their relationship, i.e. “Can we really never see eye to eye for the rest of our lives?” I think both of you are valid in your desires. You want marriage because you probably value the tradition and believe it will support you in feeling more secure in your relationship; he may want the same thing but may desire better communication and understanding consistently. I’d say, work on your overall conflict resolution with each other first and know that the marriage topic in it of itself is not what you are probably in conflict about. Try counseling. It may really help you both break down this “issue” and help you both understand you may be talking about the same thing (wanting more security) but need it in different ways. There is a way to bridge that gap! Hope this helps!

Ask a Relationship Therapist: Question #2

Hi Alysha! Thanks for offering this as an option! I am so excited to ask a relationship therapist this question that I have been struggling with about my consistent dating patterns. I always seem to be really attracted to men who seem (on paper) to have it all. They have a successful career, has a house, is really good looking and in shape, and has a lot of friends. But the problem I am finding is after a few dates (and after we hook up), I am super excited about the potential of having a future relationship and want to hang out more and more, while he seems to get more and more distant or in some cases, really neglectful or rude. I feel so deceived! My mom says I need to “lower my standards” but that just makes me feel like I’m not worthy of this type of successful man. What am I doing wrong?

-M.T., 30, CA

Hey M.T.,

I hear you. You’re feeling really conflicted with what you feel you “want” vs what you are getting. When it comes to relationships, it can be really discouraging when you find yourself in a pattern that only causes more and more isolation and insecurities. It sounds like what you think you “want” may need some restructuring. What I mean by this is re-evaluating  your needs verses wants and being really truthful with yourself about why you want or need these things from a relationship/partner. It is common (and tricky) to be single in a culture where there is endless eye candy that seemingly have it all. You are most likely using apps that instantly link you to hundreds of these men every day and it can seem as though “lowering your standards” is not an option. I can’t speak for your mother, but I wonder if her intention of saying that was to help you better align with more fundamental values rather than getting caught up on the more superficial “wants” of a partner. She may be trying to tell you to stop barking up the wrong trees.

When you say that you are struggling with finding a man who stays interested in you, it may be because your intentions of dating are different from their’s. This may not have anything to do with how “successful” or attractive he is; but it may have everything to do with where he is in his life and at what capacity he is emotionally. Some people are on these apps to feed their egos, to fulfill temporary loneliness, to hook up, to find true love. There is a huge disparity in these intentions and it may be a safe assumption to say, the men you have been getting attached to are men that are not valuing the same things and have different intentions of starting a connection with you. Maybe, instead of habitually scrolling through profiles, take some time off. Create a list of qualities you want in a partnership (maybe a list of more superficial “wants” verses fundamental “needs,” i.e. “want a guy who works out often, verses I need a man who values commitment and loyalty.”) Then, maybe make 1-2 days a week that you intentionally look through profiles and try to find matches based on your needs verses your wants, i.e. “Does this person indicate that they are looking for a future relationship? Or are they more interested in hooking up?” If you desire a future relationship, also try to hold off on having sex too quickly in the relationship so you can determine if these person’s intentions are align with your’s. I hope this helps! M.T.!

Ask a Relationship Therapist: Question #3

Hi, I need to end the 12 year relationship I have had with my girlfriend as I have grown increasingly unhappy over the last 1-2 years

We have a mortgage together and are pretty much just like a married couple that have never married. This is not a case of the relationship going bad with arguments or bad feeling towards each other, I just feel that my feelings have changed and my heart is no longer in it and that I don’t have feelings for her the way I should.

I have no idea how to go about ending it but its something I know i need to do,the burden of what I am planning on doing and the hurt this will cause her is making me feel so guilty and causing me anxiety. We have holidays booked which she is so excited about a pet dog which we both love to bits and the mortgage our lives are so connected the task of splitting is scary.

I still care for her and have love for her, but I don’t feel for her the way she deserves and it’s not right. I am dredding hurting her and was looking for some advise on how best to break the news.

Any advise will be helpful as I need to get this done as soon as possible
It’s really effecting me personally when I think about splitting my heart speeds up, I am starting to feel the strain of my home life people in work are asking if I am ok as my mood is low.

-Gareth

Hey Gareth,

This sounds like an incredibly conflicting and challenging place to be in. I hear you; you love this person so much but not in the way you’d both probably desire. This is tough for you! A question to ask yourself before having any conversation “Is this really non-repairable? Is there anything that could change that would make me see her with a fresh pair of eyes? Is the willingness to re-ignite the spark completely gone?” No judgment on any of these answers by the way; but I think it is important to really be honest with yourself and ask. If you come to the same answers as before, here are some suggestions to consider when having this convo.

The why is going to be really important to identify and explain when expressing your desire to get out of the relationship. She’s going to want to try to understand the why even if you can’t fully explain it. It’s helpful for us as humans to rationalize something in order to work through it, so even if your only “reason” is to vulnerably express to her that you “fell out of love,” it’s better than nothing. You need to be honest. Try not to fall into the cliche “it’s not you, it’s me” talk and really try to help her understand what the source of your unhappiness really is about… no matter how difficult.

One thing that could also be really helpful is communicating to her your remorse, while taking accountability in the unhappiness you have been feeling the last couple years. I’m sure she has contributed to your feelings at times, but the source of the disconnect is something you both contributed to in your own ways. Ex: Did you ever tell her you were feeling this way? If so, how might you not have vulnerably communicated the severity of these feelings? If not, how did keeping this to yourself affect your relationship and its current state? Own your part. It’s going to be helpful to not come at her with blame, (even if that is all she initially hears).

The other thing to mention is, work on acceptance. You have to accept that this conversation is going to be one of the hardest things you have ever done no matter how much you prepare for it. You will most likely feel guilt, relief, sadness, regret, excitement, fear, happiness, etc. This is a life altering decision that is going to come with a lot of emotions for both of you. Give her time to process before discussing the practicalities of mortgage, pet, etc, etc. She will most likely need time to react and marinate before making any practical decisions with your future separation. Accept this is going to be a process and will most likely not be a quick and easy end. 

I hope this is helpful.. Please know that you are brave for acknowledging these feelings and facing the reality of bringing this to her attention.

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