Why Does My Partner Need Space?

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box

If you have found yourself disheartened with the question, “Why does my partner need space when we argue?” this article may be just what you need in order to build more understanding. Most couples find themselves at times in an repeated conflictual cycle that gets easily activated and is often challenging to repair. Regardless of what you’re arguing about, one person seems to always want space, while the other is desperate to talk things out immediately. This can be frustrating and painful for both parties, as the build up of vulnerable insecurities and resentment can start to ruin the emotional safety in the relationship.

Yikes!

A common complaint in couples therapy is this exact issue. “My partner always walks away from me and we inevitably never solve anything.” or “My partner can’t seem to respect me when I say over and over again to leave me alone…  I need space. I feel pushed until I explode.” The person desiring immediate resolve often feels abandoned, anxious and betrayed; while the person desiring space often feels violated, controlled and is terrified of saying the wrong thing. Unfortunately, both parties don’t express themselves in ways the other person can truly hear, so they continue this vicious cycle of misunderstanding for months or even years. This issue is often the catalyst that brings couples into therapy… or eventually separates them.

“I am fighting for our relationship not fighting against it, but she only sees me as a bully. I don’t know how to make her realize I’m scared to lose her.” -T.D, 32

If you’re in a relationship, then you understand that this cycle feels really defeating if you can’t find mutual validation and repair. After the hundredth time of getting stuck in this cycle, the two of you are probably questioning the relationship and may even become shells of yourselves. As an attachment based therapist, I want to assure you that this cycle comes up in every relationship I have ever worked with and/or heard about in my personal life. This is because we are human and we all have a deep seeded fear of abandonment or rejection in one form or another. On some basic level we may have felt these ways growing up or in a past relationship(s), and this can make our fears even harder to cope with in our current partnership when we can’t seem to get on the same team. Often our innate reactions to perceived threats of rejection, ridicule and/or abandonment come from deep attachment wounds of past experiences that we may not even be aware we have or know how they are correlated.

No human is perfect and regardless of how loving your relationship is, or how much trust and respect you have for each other, sometimes your innate fight or flight response can be triggering for your partner; thus causing the cycle. My husband and I also have a cycle (I call it a “dance”) and I express to my clients that it is important to normalize it, as well as set realistic goals on how to “solve” it together. Instead of looking at your disconnect through the lens of blame, victimhood and/or righteousness, try looking at it as conflicting biological responses to the threat of losing the relationship. When you need repair right away, maybe it’s because you were abandoned by a parent or ex-partner and when you perceive your current partner has had enough, you instinctually panic. It may be irrational, but this is why we have to be gentle with ourselves. We are wired to automatically respond to perceived threats to keep us alive. Most likely your partner just happens to have a differing defense mechanism (freeze or flight) that has kept them “safe.”  If we never get to the level of understanding why we respond the way that we respond, we may end up subconsciously sabotaging our relationship and repeating trauma from our past.

Although this “dance” isn’t fun and can cause a lot of heartbreak, it’s something worth exploring individually, as well as together, for ultimate growth and security building in the relationship.

When more seasoned couples say “relationships are hard work,” they are referring to learning how to establish a balance that neutralizes this cycle. The “work” is learning to recognize the cycle, understand yourself and your partner’s reactions and express your needs vulnerably, to truly be able to see each other’s perspectives and find healing.

Ideally, you would both learn the tools to effectively avoid the cycle altogether, but because this cycle won’t just vanish, you can learn the tools to repair the hurts and misunderstandings effectively so that issues don’t continue to repeat over and over. Sometimes this is only possible with a trained professional.

If your partner’s reaction is to shut down in moments of anxious conflict, I can see how this would feel rejecting and why you might fear abandonment. Especially if they get angry, stop talking altogether, or worse… physically leave. Instead of continuing to torture yourself with the question, “Why does my partner need space?” please read below the possible reasons to hopefully build more understanding of their innate defense mechanism.

Why Does My Partner Need Space? 5 Possible Reasons

1. They were criticized and/or rejected in their past from parents/caregivers and/or friends/ex partners. They may have gotten the message that what they have to say isn’t important or valid. They may have gotten the message that they were flawed in some profound way and thus doesn’t feel good enough.
2. They feel triggered by conflict. This may have to do with growing up with a lot of conflict with parents and/or siblings. This may also have to do with the opposite; they grew up without any conflict and feel very threatened by it. Either way, they struggle with easing their anxiety about confrontation and conflict.
3. They feel intimidated. Think of your partner like a beautiful clam that holds a precious pearl. When in moments of fear, the clam innately shuts itself off in an attempt to protect itself. Evolutionarily their shell is hard and cold, in an attempt to exhaust intruders and protect their vulnerable squishy insides. When closed, the clam feels safe. When open, even half way, the calm feels vulnerable. They are sensitive to predators and often assume they are in the hands of a giant attempting to pry open their shell forcefully with a knife. Eventually, their reaction may be to surrender defeatedly or grip tighter and tighter with a bite.
4. They are slower processors and under stressful situations, need more time to process their thoughts and feelings. You may argue well. You may articulate every feeling and thought you have. They don’t operate like that. Most likely, they feel intimated by your quickness and openness to feelings that they want to make sure they understand themselves before expressing the “wrong” thing. When pushed to communicate, they probably end up saying the “wrong” thing, thus making it harder for them to feel confident in trying to do it again. They may experience pressure from you to know how they feel, thus making it easier to compartmentalize and shut it down completely.
5. They don’t understand the argument/conflict. Sometimes, it is as simple as not understanding what the argument is about or agreeing that the argument is worth actually “arguing” about. Their attempt to shut down is an attempt to stop the argument from escalating. (Unfortunately, they don’t realize that feels like abandonment or dismissive to you).

If one of those reasons may be the cause of your partner’s reaction to flee situations or to shut down, hopefully you can understand with more compassion that they are not actively trying to hurt you. They most likely are not actively trying to torture you by withholding their feelings and thoughts. They aren’t attempting to make you feel abandoned or dismissed. The most advised next step is to seek couples counseling before this issue causes severe harm to your self esteem and relationship’s health.

The post Why Does My Partner Need Space? appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

How to Stop Parenting you Partner and What to Do Instead

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box

How to stop parenting your partner may seem like a challenging process, because you’ve probably tried everything you can think of. You may be on the verge of breaking up, or finding yourself fantasizing about that green grass on the other side. Before making any rash decisions, we would highly suggest taking a moment to reflect. When we find ourselves in this position, it is crucial to do some internal work verses stay stuck in the place of blame. When reading this article, it is important to realize your part, as well as do the work to explore your needs and expression of those needs in order to invoke change in the relationship.

Parenting your partner can feel icky. I know.. icky isn’t the best word to describe feelings, but sometimes icky is the best way to express the resentment, frustration, isolation and fear we can carry when we feel as though we are parenting our partner. It is not uncommon to have a more dominant personality in a relationship that generally makes the bulk of the decisions, but when couples start to feel less of an partnership and more of a parent/child relationship, there are bigger issues that need to addressed under the surface.

As a therapist, I have heard themes when working with couples. One of the biggest complaints I hear is one person may experience their partner hasn’t changed or matured. Because we ironically find ourselves choosing partners that are exact opposite of us in so many ways, one person can eventually start to feel taken advantage of or resentful of the lack of teamwork they perceive is not being reciprocated in the relationship. That’s because relationships don’t work this way; they are not a quid pro quo, (ex: “the more I give, the more I will receive.”) Our relationships are rarely 50/50. Wait, did you hear that? Relationships are rarely 50/50, yet we often demand this because we are told this is how it should be. We all experience the world differently and somewhere in the middle is the balance that we all need to foster and appreciate in our relationships to find a mutual respect and balance.

The feeling of parenting your partner may have started from the very beginning of your relationship, or it may have been created as time passed and circumstances changed (or stayed “stagnant”). Regardless of when it started, it is important to understand the why it started and really get to the bottom of understanding what you really want to change.

Generally speaking, people with more assertive and “dominant” personalities tend to be leaders in their personal lives; maybe they are bosses, the oldest child, the “parent” in their family dynamic. These traits can be argued are a cause of nature or nurture, and I believe it is both. On one hand, being dominant and assertive, can be a defense mechanism that was created in early childhood to protect themselves, their family and/or circumstances. As an example, maybe their dominance came from being bullied as a kid by their family or peers; maybe their strong control in managing life came from their unfair role of having to parent their unreliable parents or parents struggling with addiction. The combination of natural personality characteristics and their trauma have blended together to make them very self reliant, structured and more particular.

On the contrary, people who tend to go with the flow more easily and are less confrontational maybe have also learned these techniques to protect themselves as well. For example, maybe their innate reaction to let others make decisions for them came from having a parent with a mental illness and they were never allowed to have an opinion anyway; maybe their contentment came from a fear of failure because they were always told they wouldn’t achieve; maybe they were the middle child and/or had siblings that spoke for them. In combination with their natural personality traits, you can see how their trauma has created more timidness, patience and flexibility.

Clearly, both personality traits have pros and cons. Areas of weakness and areas of strength. Together, we need to learn to accept and appreciate each other’s differences and where they came from, instead of judging them as being “controlling” and/or “lazy.” We have to try to see our partner with compassion to find a common space to relate to each other; otherwise our differences that we were once attracted to, ironically become the exact reason many couples decide to split. Whatever the circumstances of our upbringings, our reactions as adults are often misunderstood by the people we love the most.

Our partner has their own complexities and challenges. They have their own strengths that are triggering for us, because it’s often showing us our own defiance of change.

If you find yourself parenting your partner and feeling resentment or isolated, reflect on these questions before making the decision to leave or repeating the same argument:

1. Jot down all the reasons you were attracted to your partner in the first place. Are any of these reasons/traits what you feel frustrated by now? If so, what has changed your perspective?
2. What are your expectations of your partner? Is it possible that they are unrealistic, too harsh and/or coming from a judgmental place?
3. What needs did you have growing up that may be getting triggered in your current life? (Example: You currently argue with your partner about them making more money, but is it possible that you’re feeling insecure or uncertain about the future and want more reliability? Is it possible you are subconsciously speaking in code and argue about content related issues that may have a deeper need or insecurity?)
4. Is it possible that you are feeling out of control in your life? If so, have you explained this vulnerably to your partner that you are feeling stuck without blaming them?
5. Is it possible that it is challenging for you to ask for help? If so, how could you be unintentionally coming across defensive, controlling and/or demanding because of this?
6. Do you have a pattern of trying to fix, control and/or save everyone? Where does this come from?
7. Are you feeling appreciated, valued and seen in your relationship? If not, how may this be contributing to your frustration and expectations?

Now, after your reflection, try these tips to initiate more understanding in your partnership in hopes of saving it:

1. Talk about childhoods and impactful moments in your lives: From a curious place, discuss how you both perceive the why behind why you are the way that you are. Go further into discussion about your childhoods and how they are impacting your current relationship. How does this give you both more compassion and understanding as to why certain characteristics or behaviors may be hard to change in adulthood.
2. Discuss your authentic and vulnerable needs, not disappointments or demands: From a sincere place, discuss your unmet needs in childhood. Your insecurities about how you show up in the relationship. What are you both trying to protect? Why is X, Y, and Z issue really an issue?
3. Discuss how your expectations of each other and of change may be limiting and unrealistic: This doesn’t mean that you don’t have needs and requests of your partner, but what this does mean is you both have to own how your projections are affecting each other, as well contributing to your own suffering. Sometimes our expectations and the way we think are the problem. If you originally fell in love with the characteristics of your partner that now upset you, it’s important to recognize why. What about your expectations have changed and is it possible to find a middle ground?
4. Identify what areas you both need to work on: Safely take accountability for your setbacks and explain to your partner how you see these challenges showing up in the relationship. With humility, own them. No one wants you to be perfect, but by taking accountability, it can help your partner feel validated, thus creating healing and motivation to want to work on change together.
5. Be aware of when your triggers alert you and how you deal with those triggers automatically: Next time you feel annoyed, angry or hurt, stop and reflect on why. Then notice how you tend to deal with your discomfort automatically and instead of reacting out of habit, try stopping, reflecting and gaining insight before you respond.
6. Define roles in relationship and discuss ways to share more responsibilities mutually: Collaborate! It seems silly to sit down and structure a list of roles and responsibilities, but it is more effective to address directly than to make assumptions. Together, list all the adulting responsibilities you both have and what things you feel is “your” responsibility and why. Maybe this exercise highlights discrepancies and/or helps the two of you have more conversation about what is important and why. Remember, you can strive for 50/50, but don’t expect it!
7. Identify your strengths and weaknesses and how you’d work better as a team if you both were to work with your strengths more: If your relationship was a sports team, what position would each of you flourish in? Together, agree and collaborate on what roles and responsibilities that are within your “expertise,” as well as commit to taking on something within the relationship that challenges your comfort zone.
8. Communicate about what you both desire in terms of feeling appreciated in your relationship. Try the five love languages quiz to help you identify ways you feel and experience love.
9. Try Couples Therapy!

As you can see, this complicated dynamic is not simple. We often let our egos convince us that our partner is the enemy and we forget that we are just flawed imperfect humans doing the best that we can. Sometimes, when we find ourselves partnering our partner, we don’t realize that we are feeling defeated, lonely and or anxious about the unknown of our own lives. Sometimes, we don’t realize that we are struggling internally and thus it is necessary to build self awareness before blaming our partner for their deficancies. It is important to realize that having needs and requests are important, but we also have to learn to be patient and love our partners unconditionally at the same time. Regardless of you feeling like the parent or child in your relationship, you can hopefully see that you both are feeling misunderstood in the relationship. It’s important to gain perceptive and clear up assumptions that are creating toxicity in your partnership.

Thanks for reading How to Stop Parenting Your Partner! Have you experienced this dynamic before? Tell us about it!

The post How to Stop Parenting Your Partner appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

How to stop stress and anxiety from getting out of hand and triggering past trauma : 5 Tips | Co-written by Arrezo Azimzadeh, BA, Psych, Behavioral Therapist & Owner of Wish Upon Arrezo

Stop stress and anxiety: Have you ever noticed your hands getting sweaty on a first date or felt your heart pound during an exam? Well, then you are aware that you can feel stress/anxiety from both your mind and body. When we go through stress/anxiety, our bodies flood our nervous system with cortisol and adrenaline putting us in a state of “fight or flight”. If you have experienced old traumatic events such as childhood abuse or disloyal relationships, then you know that any stressful experience can activate your hidden memories or “triggers” automatically. These memories are typically hidden to protect us from recurring emotional pain. However, over time these memories, triggers or chronic stress/anxiety can cause psychological complications in all areas of our life.

The combination of reactions to stress/anxiety is known as the “fight-or-flight” response. This was intended to be a survival mechanism enabling a quick response in a threatening situation.

The sequence of hormonal changes and physiological responses help an individual fight the threat off or flee to safety. However, the body can also overreact to stressors that are not life-threatening, such as societal pressures, family difficulties, and relationship conflicts, but can still give off the same chemical reaction.”

In an article by Harvard Health Publishing.

Because the modern human is not generally fighting off man-eating predators, but is often facing emotional/societal external pressures, we can be fueled with fight or flight energy daily. This can lead to high blood pressure, anxiety disorders, chronic depression, addiction, and obesity.  It is important to be aware of how your body reacts to stress/anxiety in order to consciously stop yourself from going down a mental storyline or memory that only feeds your perception of the threatening situation, (i.e. feeling more stress/anxiety and/or experiencing past trauma).

Here’s an example; it is March 2020 and Samantha is soon to be graduating. She is experiencing lockdown with her new boyfriend, roommate and roommate’s boyfriend for over a month. She recently lost her job, had a quarantined birthday, took her last quarter of college online and continued to experience tragedies in her family. She was frustrated, disappointed and angry, but she bottled up her emotions and became even more isolated. Samantha was unaware that the stay-at-home policies had created a reality where she was reliving a similar negative experience from her childhood.

“Growing up it was difficult for me to feel like I had a sense of self-identity in my household. I did as I was told, suppressed my feelings and was always at home because my parents wanted to keep me safe. When I got to college, I learned how to be independent, speak up when I wanted and cope with my stress through working out and eating healthy. Quarantine changed everything because I felt like I couldn’t do much on top of the fact that my boyfriend kept demanding me around. It had been a long time since I felt this much confinement and I was shutting down.”

The frustrating experience of feeling trapped again caused Samantha to no longer feel in control. Her “fight-or-flight” mechanism kicked in and she reacted to it as she innately knew how to. In times of stress our brains revert to how we once used to handle situations, which can cause us to regress our growth and forget how to move forward. Does this sound familiar?

Before you get too stressed out reading this article, it is important to know that not all stress is “bad” stress! Momentary stress, such as last-minute assignments, or tight deadlines can boost your brain’s performance. It’s just about establishing a balance.

Here are 5 tips on how to stop stress and anxiety from getting out of hand and triggering past trauma:

Tip #1 How to Stop Stress and Anxiety: “Sit in your sh*t”… err, emotions.

You’re probably wondering, how can I stop myself from triggering past trauma? Well for starters, we would advise that first you sit with the feeling no matter how uncomfortable it is. Intentionally, focus only on your emotions at that moment. Try saying out loud to yourself, “I feel ______ and it’s ok.” (Use this emotion wheel if you are struggling with identifying your feelings.)

Why is sitting with your emotions helpful? Well, because like anything, an emotion is fleeting. We promise the feeling will pass when you don’t attach a storyline to it, even if the storyline was once your reality, it doesn’t mean it is in this moment.

When the feeling does pass, you will have a better understanding of how you truly feel, not just be stuck in a reaction of flight or flight. You will also start feeling more empowered to face your stress/anxiety without feeling completely out of control and debilitated with undesirable symptoms.

Tip #2 How to Stop Stress and Anxiety: You don’t have to believe everything you think.

Try not to think about old upsets, by simply saying to yourself, “I don’t have to listen to everything my thoughts say.” When you suffer from stress and anxiety, you are having a complicated relationship with both sides of your brain: the cognitive brain and the emotional brain. Anxiety is only felt when signals from the emotional brain overpower the cognitive brain and into our consciousness.

When you have thoughts that your anxiety will never get better, that’s your emotional side of the brain working to protect you in case of failure. It can feel like your mind is torturing you to worry, analyze, seek reassurance, or shut down with thoughts of what could go wrong; but your mind is doing what all minds do, it is warning you in order to keep you safe. So, be conscious of what is happening and enable the thoughts to come and go and realize it’s your mind doing it’s job. The important thing is not what thoughts you have, but what you do when you have them in that state. So the next time your mind starts filling your head with triggers, reassure yourself that it’s a false alarm and sit with the emotion without listening to your brain.

Tip #3 How to Stop Stress and Anxiety: Quick, don’t react!

Refrain from an immediate reaction, by realizing that it is only an attempt to control the situation or get out of it. If you give in and react, you begin to lack logical thinking as your body and mind regress to old coping mechanisms. If you identify how you react to stressful situations, you can put yourself in a better position to manage it. Even if you are unable to eliminate stress from your life, how you react to it can determine whether you regress or progress.  According to Mayo Clinic these changes can significantly improve your stress and anxiety levels:

• Cut back on your obligations when possible. Take a look at your schedule and find activities, meetings, chores, or dinners that you can cut back on for the time being. That way you don’t overwhelm yourself and accidentally react right away. 

• Prepare ahead. Stress begins to pile on when you run out of time. Stay on top of things that may trigger stress (meetings, trips, appointments, family dinners, etc) and schedule realistic goals to get each task done. For example, if traffic jams stress you out then build that time into your schedule so you don’t overload your mind.

• Pick up a new hobby. When you start something exciting and new, it can calm your restless mind. Try art, gardening, reading, etc – but make sure these things don’t cause you to get competitive because the goal is to stay relaxed and stress free.

• Stay Active. Scientists have found that exercise benefits can soothe stress levels and give you a feeling of power over your body and life.Exercising, and physical activity produce chemicals in the brain known as endorphins which can enhance your brain’s emotional need of feeling good and positive.

By learning new ways to handle the situation before it occurs, it can put you in a better position to manage stress and anxiety. So, always remember to take a step back, and refrain yourself from the impulsive reactions before they control you. 

Tip #4 How to Stop Stress and Anxiety: Practice Mindfulness Daily

By practicing mindfulness regularly, you will improve your brain function, which will enhance your ability to avoid excessive stress. It increases your capacity to savor the pleasures in life, helps you engage in activities and creates healthier ways for you to deal with stressful events.

Behavioral therapists state that, “By focusing on the here and now, many people who practice mindfulness find that they are less likely to get caught up in worries about the future or regrets over the past, pay attention to their thoughts and sensations without judgment, and are able to improve physical and mental health over time.” 

In an article by Harvard Health Publishing.

Mindfulness meditation works to build your concentration. Here are a few mindful techniques:

• Sit quietly and focus on your breathing as you let your thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations come and go without judging how you feel about it. Just let them pass through. 
• Pay attention to what comes to mind and discover whether it’s a physical or mental need that seems to pop-up the most. Do not focus on a particular feeling or idea, but rather allow your thoughts to flow, to evaluate the habits. This will give you a better understanding of what to work on for later. 

• Continue the process daily. It may not seem relaxing, but over time it provides the key to unlock wider and wider ranges of thinking. 

For more mindful meditation techniques visit, Benefits of Mindfulness. 

Tip #5 How to Stop Stress and Anxiety: Connect the dots.

By understanding your trauma and coping mechanisms, it may be very helpful for you to realize which ones still work for you and which ones provoke more stress. Marla Paul, Health & Medicine Editor showed that individuals remember hidden traumatic events when they are in a similar state of mind:

“A process known as dependent learning is believed to contribute to the formation of memories that are inaccessible to normal consciousness. Thus, memories formed in a particular mood, arousal or drug-induced state can best be retrieved when the brain is back in that state.”

In other words, our minds are able to remember past memories when under a similar amount of stress and may provoke us to behave in ways we used to. For example, if a child had to parent their parents growing up, they may have learned to cope by being super self reliant and rigid in their behavior. When the child grows up, they may find themselves incredibly overwhelmed with daily tasks and often have panic attacks because they don’t know how to ask for help. If they never connect the dots from childhood to current panic attacks, they may never see that their coping strategy to be self reliant has its limitations in adulthood.

It is important to recognize that our bodies will naturally want to revert to its old ways of coping, but by being aware of and practicing new coping strategies will only remind us that our past can only have control over our future if we allow it.  

Want even more support with your anxiety and stress? Contact a therapist and explore how they may help!

The post How to Stop Stress and Anxiety From Triggering Past Trauma : 5 Tips appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Dating someone with borderline personality disorder can sound really scary.

Dating someone with borderline personality disorder can also sound really serious. Especially if you’ve never heard of a “personality disorder” in general or have any idea what it actually means. Mental health as a whole can be very nerve racking if we don’t have a full understanding of what is really going on. I write this blog specifically because the majority of my individual clients struggle with a personal relationship with someone that has a personality disorder, specially Borderline Personality disorder… (and they don’t know it).

So What is Borderline Personality Disorder? According to psychiatry.org “Borderline Personality Disorder is a pattern of instability in personal relationships, intense emotions, poor self-image and impulsivity. A person with borderline personality disorder may go to great lengths to avoid being abandoned, have repeated suicide attempts, display inappropriate intense anger or have ongoing feelings of emptiness.” Studies believe Borderline Personality Disorder may be caused by trauma, genetics and/or learned behavior. People with this disorder may also have comorbidity which means they have multiple disorders at once (such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc).

Although this definition of borderline personality disorder is accurate, it may not be incredibly helpful because borderline personalities don’t always show up in this way. People that have BPD can be incredibly loyal, loving and empathetic. They can be self aware, empathic and compassionate. As their partner or friend, you may be their ultimate favorite person that they cherish greatly; but they may also easily become possessive or are very irrational at seemingly the drop of a hat. Your relationship with them may be just as pleasant as it is difficult and you may be really suffering as to understanding why. If you feel as though you are questioning your own behavior, morals and/or reactions often, and/or have been feeling an extreme uncertainty about what is going to make them happy again, you may want to read on. 

Here are a few examples of how you may be experiencing a borderline personality in your relationship.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #1: Their Reactions Are Often Disproportionate to What’s Happening

You may find that you struggle with understanding their reactions at times and question if you are being insensitive. You may find little things, (like not answering your phone), set your partner through the roof. You are confused by their disporportionate emotions at times and can’t logically comprehend why they are so upset. You may find yourself asking “why are you so mad?” which may only make the situation more reactive. You may find yourself thinking “this is so irrational,” but you can’t calm them down. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #2: The Honeymoon Stage was ELECTRIC 

You felt electricity that was unlike any “spark” that you have ever experienced in a relationship before. The sexual chemistry may have been explosive from the very beginning, and/or your emotional chemistry was easy. You may feel as though you are addicted to this part of your relationship and often try your best to get it back. You’ve convinced yourself (and possibly friends and family) that the highs are way more valuable than the lows, and you do your best to hang onto the moments you two are in bliss.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #3: They Are Never Wrong

Because your partner is often very black or white, you may notice a pattern that your partner does not accept accountability for their behavior, (which typically means they never apologize.) They somehow find a way to make you feel guilty about something you did that caused them to lash out in the way they did. Even after the argument has settled, you may still find yourself feeling invalidated for multiple occasions. The relationship often feels one-sided and as though there is no room for your needs or feelings. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #4: They Are Deep and Emotional

You’ve experienced vulnerable moments with them that have made you fall deeper and deeper in love. They seem self aware and able to articulate their experiences of the past in ways you may have never experienced anyone do before. They may have been in therapy for years and talk a lot about their past. You find this level of depth intriguing, when it is not projected at you.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #5: Your Relationship Feels Like a Yo-Yo

You’ve never felt so loved and so hated by anyone, ever. This yo-yo effect in your relationship may lead to a lot of confusion, curiosity, hope and frustration for you. It’s a mystery and at times you may feel you are the only one that doesn’t get it, but you want to figure it out. You may find your inner child gets triggered a lot and you may get to a point when you feel like a defeated shell of yourself. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #6: You Have Anxiety, All the Time

You may find yourself constantly confused, which results to a lot anxiety and self doubt. You may not be able to identify the source of your partner’s shift in mood, or the level of emotion that is being expressed, so you walk on eggshells. You may start to analyze your own character and become insecure or resentful. You are often struggling with understanding the why of their negative or extreme reactions toward you, so you struggle with knowing how to assert your needs. You may ask yourself, “Am I crazy?” “Did I totally perceive this situation wrong?” “Do other people think I’m just a terrible person, too?” “Why does my partner do this? I would never do this to them.”

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #7: You Don’t Feel Trusted 

You don’t ever really feel trusted by your partner, even if you haven’t “done” anything to give them the impression you are untrustworthy. People who struggle with borderline personality disorder are incredibly vulnerable to the idea of abandonment. They want to be loved unconditionally (like we all do), but they often struggle with trusting full heartedly because they are often suspicious of people’s motives.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #8: You Feel Guilty

You feel guilty often and probably take accountability for things that you don’t believe are for you to own; but you do this to keep the peace and to de-escalate the situation. Maybe you’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser so this dynamic may be somewhat of a comfort zone to you, even if it doesn’t feel great. You may become obsessed with the getting back to a good place with your partner so you can become the most special, beloved, and needed person on the planet again.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #9: There Is No Room For Your Feelings/Needs

You feel as though you aren’t allowed to have needs because every time you express them, your partner completely dismisses you and refuses to accept they don’t offer these needs to you. They may turn a situation back on you and express in detail how much they do for you that you don’t appreciate or see. They don’t see your point of view, but expect and demand you to always see their’s. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #10: They Dislike Most People

Your partner may have a strong victim mentality and you start seeing it more and more in their personal life outside of you. Maybe they don’t have many friends because, “they are all back-stabbers,” or they complain constantly about their coworkers because they are all “bullies.” Maybe their family is the total “enemy” and the reason for all of their suffering. Either way, you can start to get a glimpse into their lens of the world, which is everyone is against them.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #11: People in Your Circle Say, GET OUT.

You friends and family may have cautioned you multiple times about this relationship. If you have been transparent with your friends and families about your partner’s behavior, then most likely your best friends or close relatives have expressed their concern for you.  (Or, another example of dating someone with borderline personality disorder is the reluctance you may have to actually tell others around you the full story of what has been going on in your relationship because you’re ashamed, embarrassed and/or scared. So you often hide your feelings and confusion from close ones around you and try to process it all by yourself. You may also be in denial).

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #12: You Are Terrified to Even Think About Breaking up With Them

If you have questioned breaking up with your partner, but fear retaliation, their volatile reaction and/or them self-harming as a reaction, this is a strong indicator that your partner is struggling with BPD. 

So let’s say you relate to most of these examples. Where do you go from here? A part of you may feel a lot of relief, but you may also have a lot of fear about how to proceed. The tricky piece to many personality disorders like Borderline Personality, it is an ego syntonic disorder, (which means an individual is unaware of their symptoms). This makes healthy longterm relationships pretty challenging (if not downright impossible), because they are often incapable of recognizing their (negative) part in the dynamic. If everything is perceived from their eyes as your fault, you may never feel seen, understood or appreciated in your relationship.

Ego syntonic disorders are also limiting in treatment, such as accepting the idea that they could use individual therapy or couples counseling, because they often think everyone else is the problem. The counseling experience with borderline personalities can often play out where they refuse to come altogether, or participate but the moment they feel the therapist is not on their side they can feel abandoned or become volatile. Or, they could find a therapist that only validates their perspective, which may only perpetuates their victim narrative.

If there is willingness from your partner to want to explore help, there are specific treatments available such as PCH Treatment that are designed to support borderline personality disorder that have shown to be successful. Often medication can help for the other possible symptoms such as depression and anxiety, but there are currently no “cures” for personality disorders.

If you think you are dating a person with borderline personality disorder, my advice is to seek your own individual counseling. You can gain support in educating yourself on this disorder, as well as learn the tools to navigate your own feelings and explore your own blind spots, and understand what you gain from this relationship. From that point on, you may be able to navigate a conversation about supportive treatment with your partner or at least have more perspective about how you’d like to proceed.

The post Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder : How to Identify the Symptoms appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

5 Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship

Maybe you know the ways your childhood impacts your relationship(s). Maybe you’ve never thought about it. As an Attachment Based Therapist, I see the impacts of bonds and relationships. From my perspective, strong bonds are what keep us grounded, feeling confident and secure in ourselves and our world around us. I believe, we all need and desire to feel safe and secure; this is what motivates a lot of us. Unfortunately, we get stuck in our (not so helpful) coping strategies that ultimately deny us of this and we often don’t even realize we do this. Especially in our adult relationships.

Do you ever wonder why you do the things that you do? Do you ever look at yourself objectively and ask yourself, “What’s really going on for me?”

Well… It may be time to start.

Here are 5 ways your childhood impacts your relationship(s).

5 Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship :  #1 You Don’t Trust Easily

Trust is the foundation of any relationship. When we as adults struggle with trusting others, it may be due to deep rooted issues from past ruptures with the people we were innately supposed to trust. If our parents neglected us, abandoned us, abused us, criticized us and/or created a relationship that was conditional, we don’t realize that we innately feel a sense of insecurity as we evolve into our environment and sense of self as we grow. This doesn’t mean our parents didn’t love us– this doesn’t mean you don’t love your parents. This may mean that the tools they had weren’t always effective. Often, our parents “did the best that they could with what they had,” but that doesn’t mean the impact of those tools (or lack of) should be dismissed. It had an impact! 

If our parents or caretakers don’t give us the unconditional space to be human (i.e. having emotions, mess up, etc), then we start internalizing emotions and start adapting to our insecurities by mistrusting others around us and becoming protective of ourselves in many different ways.

What you can do: It is important to understand that trust is difficult for everyone regardless of their past. If you experienced some form of disconnect with your caretakers and/or parents growing up, it’s important to acknowledge and give yourself permission to see how it may have grown into a bigger sensitivity for you and may be something you struggle with even to this day. Acknowledging this doesn’t mean you have to blame your parents for everything; this doesn’t mean you don’t love them; this doesn’t mean you are betraying them. This means you are acknowledging yourself and your needs as a child– which is extremely validating and OK to do.

5 Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship : #2 You Need a lot of Reassurance

If we forge an insecure bond with our parents or caretakers in infancy and childhood, (whether it’s because they were helicopter parents and never allowed us to have any sense of autonomy, or because they were never around or abused us), we innately develop a sense of insecurity and doubt in ourselves.

Maybe we weren’t given the reassurance as children that was necessary for us to feel a sense of confidence in ourselves to explore and make mistakes; maybe we weren’t ever acknowledged to begin with. Maybe, we were acknowledged too much and everything we did was critiqued or validated in positive way.

If everything we did in our parent’s eyes was unseen, seen under a microscope, or seen through rose-colored glasses, we weren’t given the space to feel confident in our own achievements, flaws and mistakes.

How does this impact your relationship? Well, to start, you may find yourself really defensive and it may be because you’re feeling insecure. Instead of giving your partner an opportunity to reassure you, you push them away with your defensiveness because you’re struggling and don’t know how to soothe or feel comforted.

What you can do: Recognize where your need for reassurance comes from. Did you receive too much reassurance as a child; did you never receive kudos?  Why might this be a trigger for you? Then practice how to reassure yourself internally. Try to work on being aware of your self talk when you find yourself feeling insecure. Can you try to work on reassuring and validating yourself in the way that you always needed it? This can be helpful to start practicing and identifying for yourself, (it’s also extremely empowering when you start putting it into practice!) It is also helpful to be able to articulate a need to your partner, “I’m feeling scared about this job interview, can you tell me I’m going to do a great job?”

5 Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship : #3 You Struggle with Intimacy

From my perspective, “vulnerability” is when you expose a piece of yourself that you don’t tend to expose to everyone. Vulnerability is when you take a risk and are 100% authentic. “Intimacy” is when vulnerability is reciprocated with another person. This can be sexual, mental, and emotional. Levels of intimacy and vulnerability are built on the foundation of trust.

If you find yourself struggling with any form of intimacy, it could be because you had a difficult time growing up feeling safe opening up and being yourself. Maybe you felt misunderstood a lot; maybe you felt dismissed a lot. Maybe, you struggled with feeling disappointment by your parents and nothing you could do was ever good enough. These messages play a huge role in our adult self talk and innate reactions to emotion. This affects our intimacy because we aren’t allowing ourselves to feel comfortable or confident in our authentic selves. We aren’t being present with our partners, because we are stuck in our coping mechanism of protecting our authenticity. We aren’t trusting that our partner has got our back and will be there for us even if we aren’t perfect or even if they see us as “weak.”

What you can do: Intimacy requires trust. Trust requires consistency and risk taking. It’s a scary little dance, but it’s all worth it in the end if you allow safe people in. Your partner may be craving to connect with you, but you don’t even realize how often you deny or dismiss forms of intimacy with them because your coping mechanism takes over. Try to become more aware of your partners bids of connection and take note of what you are feeling, what you are struggling with and maybe ask yourself, “Why am I not willing to be open right now?”

5 Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship : #4 You Feel Immediate Panic When You Perceive Your Partner Is Pulling Away

It may be “irrational,” but in those moments your brain isn’t able to reassure you that you’re just being irrational and you have nothing to worry about. If you experience an immediate (and overwhelming sense) of panic when you perceive your partner is shutting down, moving away and/or leaving you, this may be due to your attachment style. If you experienced any abandonment growing up, this innate trigger can become extreme in your adult relationships. You may find yourself feeling immediately upset and needing to repair an issue immediately in order to soothe the panic and fear. This may ultimately push your partner away if they are needing space, and/or are afraid of conflict and the two of you may find yourselves in a difficult dance.

What you can do: Be aware of the panic and your triggers. If you NEED to repair conflict in order to calm and soothe, and your partner NEEDS space to process, the middle ground is giving yourselves a break to de-escalate, then return when you both are calm and unguarded. This is the only way you will get the reassurance you really desire and the only way your partner is going to feel respected and safe. Ask your partner to give you reassurance in that moment such as, “I love you, I am not leaving you, but I need a break to calm down and process this.” It is then your job to hear that, repeat that in your own head, and calm yourself down individually before going back to each other to repair the issue.

5 Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship :  #5 Your Biggest Coping Strategy is to Shut Down

If you find yourself shutting down a lot and needing time to process or “get away” from your partner, it may be because you are struggling with conflict. Maybe you have a sensitivity to conflict because you grew up with a lot of it. Maybe you have a sensitivity to conflict because you grew up without any of it. Either way, you were not taught how to effectively argue and repair conflict. We may become subconsciously triggered by any perceived attack, threat, form of rejection and/or criticism that we shut down to protect ourselves. Shutting down isn’t always a “bad” thing, but it can be misunderstood by your partner if they are assuming you are shutting down because you “don’t care about them.”

What you can do: It is important to learn how to have healthy conflict and respect each other’s triggers and sensitivities. It’s important to understand and communicate with your partner “why you shut down,” especially if it correlates with childhood. The more your partner understands you, the less they make their own assumptions about your behavior. In these moments, you can calmly reassure your partner that you aren’t “leaving them” but you need space to process and work through everything without feeling “triggered.” The more the two of you can work together at giving each other what you need to feel safe, the better chances you have to repairing effectively.

If you don’t understand where your triggers come from to begin with, it’s difficult to make necessary changes to help support yourself and your relationship. Self exploration and reflection is required when having healthy relationships! If you and/or your partner would like support with this, feel free to contact me. As an Attachment & EFT Therapist, I specifically work with individuals and couples at any stage of their relationship wanting to better their connection and deepen their self awareness.

The post 5 Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship(s) appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Why Does She Keep Bringing Up the Past? 5 Reasons She Holds “Grudges”

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling

*It is important to note that although I am using specific gender identifications, I am not intentionally meaning to exclude or generalize behaviors unfairly based on someone’s preferred gender identification. This article is an example of themes I have heard in my experience as a couples therapist from heterosexual, cisgender couples. However, this content has and can be a theme in any relationship, regardless of gender and identification. 

“Help! Why does she keep bringing up the past?” Sound familiar? One reoccurring theme I hear from many of my couples is the issue with repairing past conflict. Generally speaking, there have been similarities from what I have heard many men experience and say vs their female counterparts.

Some examples are:

“Why does she keep bringing up the past? It never stops.”

“She never lets things go.”

“She’s so negative.”

“She never sees my attempts at making things better.”

“I am always wrong.”

“She is always nagging at me for something.”

“I don’t get how one little thing can erupt a huge argument about something totally unrelated that happened months ago.”

So, I am sure you want an objective understanding to help you better understand, right? Here are some common reasons why she may keep bringing up the past and holding grudges.

Reason 1 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? |  You aren’t validating her in the way she needs it.

The biggest reason anyone holds onto the past is because they don’t feel heard and/or fully understood by the person they perceived hurt them. (To be clear, validating and helping your partner feel understood in the way they need isn’t your “job.” Forgiveness is a choice for each and every one of us to make to unconditionally, which means letting go regardless of being validated in the way we need; BUT if you are in a partnership, you can both benefit greatly by learning how to validate one another more effectively to help promote forgiveness and healing. Ideally, you should want to do this.)

By validating more effectively, you can try by naming her emotion, not putting yourself into the situation for a moment and just hearing her experience. Ask yourself, What is she saying? And just reflect it back. It is that easy!

For example, you say: “I can understand that I really upset you when I did X.”
NOTHING ELSE is required in that exact moment! Once she feels validated and like you understand why she upset, she can come back to the logical and her defensive and/or emotional state becomes more regulated and soothed. When she is no longer stuck in the emotion, you can then explain the misunderstanding from more of the logical (ie. your experience). “That wasn’t my intention at all and I can see how we misunderstood each other. I meant to do _________. I never intended to hurt you and I am sorry it felt that way.”

The power of validation is tremendous! Now… it is her to turn to work on truly letting it go.

Reason 2 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? |  You keep trying to “fix” the problem.

If your partner keeps bringing up reoccurring issues, it may be because you are trying too hard to fix it, rather than just acknowledge it. Women tend to emotionally process while they externally express; men tend to internally process, then choose to emotionally / externally express. TOTALLY OPPOSITE. Not that one is right or wrong, but we typically go about working through issues completely different.

No wonder you perceive her as incredibly negative! 

She’s not “negative,” she is just working through her emotion in the innate way she knows how; to feel it, then to think about. You may perceive her as negative because you don’t typically feel experiences first in order to process it. Her “negativity” is actually just unprocessed emotions and all you need to do is try your hardest not to take it personally and allow her the space to have emotional reactions while she works through it.

(For the record, she needs to do her best at not projecting them onto you! Just because she is more emotionally expressive does not give her the right to be aggressive toward you without taking accountability or considering how her emotional reaction impacts you).

Here’s an example: Let’s say she comes home and her energy is off. She storms in, throws her purse down and yells, “I hate my job! It’s awful! No one is nice to me in the office and I F** hate it! I’m just so done!” You may innately feel triggered, want to crawl into your shell and turn the TV up. You may think to yourself, “Ugh, here we go again! I wish she was just happy.” You may traditionally react by saying, “You need to look at the positive sides. Look how great your commute is, how much money you make, how early you get off! Who cares what your co-workers think about you.”

Unfortunately you trying to “fix her issue” is actually you trying to “fix her mood,” because her mood makes you feel uncomfortable. She internalizes that as feeling dismissed. She may potentially get more angry and then you both get into an argument. You then feed your narrative, “See, she’s always so negative! Nothing will make her happy,” and she feeds her narrative, “See, he never listens and he doesn’t care about me or how I feel.”

Instead, try giving her space emotionally first. Let her vent and then offer a reflection of validation. “I totally see how frustrated you are with work. It must be hard not to feel liked by your co-workers.”

Reason 3 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? | She doesn’t feel the past was fully repaired.

The bulk of repairing conflict (in a healthy way) is mostly about validating each other’s perspectives without trying to win the argument. If your intention is to be right, then you have lost the ability to repair anything with your partner effectively. Your intention should be to deepen your understanding of each other. This helps you continue to respect each other and feel secure with one another in your relationship. If your partner feels hurt by you, try to understand why instead of getting defensive. It’s natural to then tell them they are “wrong” because you don’t agree or your intention was perceived differently. This then becomes about being “right,” verses validating each other and understanding the misunderstanding. You can clear up any and all misunderstandings by validating each other, and work on creating consistency and awareness for future issues together. 

She needs to learn to validate you objectively, too.  

Reason 4 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? |  You take her moods personally.

Going back to the emotional processing piece, women tend to be more emotionally expressive by nature (or nurture). You may be making the assumption that every time she is emotional or having a reaction that it is PERSONALLY targeted toward you. I know her reactions may seem scary and you don’t want to make an even bigger issue by saying the “wrong” thing, but try to reassure yourself in those moments that “she may not even be upset with me.” Ask her for clarity without being defensive, example: “Are you upset with me?” verses “What the hell did I do to you?” or “What’s your problem?”

At times, she will express that she is struggling with things external to you and your relationship. At this moment, you know it’s not personal, which helps you better support her instead of getting into a huge argument. Ask her, “What do you need in this moment?” or “How can I help?”  Possibly, by just giving her permission to be a little emotional without getting defensive, may help her de-escalate and calm down.

Reason 5 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? | She’s feels insecure and needs something from you.

Most likely, when a partner keeps bringing up past issues defensively, they are feeling extremely insecure in the relationship and they aren’t getting something significant that they are needing. Maybe your partner doesn’t know what is missing, but something may be causing her to feel insecure about your relationship and/or how she assumes you perceive her. She still may be hurt about an issue that happened 6 months ago, but struggles with bringing it up and fears she will not be heard. Unfortunately, she invalidates herself, most likely telling herself that “she’s being ridiculous and needs to get over it,” until she no longer can hold it in. She also fears being a nag and tries her best to let it go on her own. (You’ve probably told her to “let it go,” once before and she fears bringing it up again. She’s probably beating herself up because she doesn’t understand why she just can’t.) 

Unfortunately, ignoring emotion rarely makes them go away and she may find herself exploding at one little frustration that arises. This is most likely why you perceive her as unpredictable and why you feel you are walking on egg shells. As her partner, this is incredibly unfair to you because it doesn’t help you understand what she needs. You are just trying to defend yourself and fix whatever you “did” to upset her.  This is why the two of you need to work together. She needs to do her part and work on understanding her emotions as they come up for her, but she also needs to take the risk of expressing what she needs in the moment instead of waiting until she snaps out of nowhere. This is also why you work on the above tips to help you understand her behavior and needs more, so you aren’t feeling incredibly beat down.

Couples therapy can be tremendously helpful when reoccurring issues are on a cyclical path. A trained couples therapist can help you learn to better communicate about the “issue,” that triggers resentment or fear; as well as work on ultimate forgiveness, which will propel the two of you forward. Contact us today for a free consultation!

The post Why Does She Keep Bringing Up the Past? appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Feeling Rejected or Criticized : How to Become More Self Aware and Empowered, Rather than Reactive and Isolated

It’s inevitable, isn’t it? Feeling rejected or criticized.

You may currently be feeling rejected by a romantic partner, although I am sure you can also relate to feeling rejected or criticized by a friend, mentor, teacher, employer, family member, parent, etc.

We are complex creatures and our emotions, behaviors and thoughts/assumptions are extremely personal to us. Our reality may be a product of our irrational fears, insecurities, and/or ego, yes. However, that doesn’t make our experience of pain any less real.

We may go through periods of our life feeling rejected or isolated, as if no one truly takes the time to really give a d*mn. It sucks. I’ve been there. Sometimes, still go there emotionally with my relationships. It’s normal.

We are allowed to be sensitive beings, you know. 

All my life I have been told I am “too sensitive,” as if my emotional experiences were something to be ashamed of. Maybe I am “too sensitive” to someone on the outside, but on the inside, I have to be authentic to myself and my own experience. When things affect me, I’m not good at hiding it. In fact, I actually love that about myself now.

#Sorrynotsorry

We shouldn’t have to apologize for our sensitivities, however, we should be responsible for trying to be mindful of our reactions and assumptions. As these can often lead to us pushing our partners away, only intensifying our experience of feeling rejected and alone.

Relationships are a two-way street, my friend. You cannot speed and drive recklessly, while expecting everyone else to abide by the rules. You need to take accountability of the accident without blame and work toward the greater good together. 

The biggest thing that I have learned about my sensitivities, is that there is nothing wrong with them; but rather, me being unaware of how I was using them to victimize myself, was the problem. 

When I was feeling rejected or criticized, (which again was often), I would get so upset internally that my innate reactions would be to either get aggressive and pushy, demanding a resolution to make the panic of abandonment go away… or I would shut down immediately and become withdrawn and bitter, only fueling myself with loneliness. In retrospect, I really wanted someone to protect me, yet, if I were to be honest with myself, I wouldn’t let them.

Can anyone relate?

All too often, I would think to myself, “no one understands me and I am always going to be alone.” I had developed a chip on my shoulder that was built up from pain and my experience of feeling rejected. I needed to desperately feel validated and accepted, but because of my unprocessed sensitivities and premature reactions, I wasn’t ready to take accountability of what I could control to make it better.

What I didn’t understand at the time was how to be self-aware and acknowledging of how my interpretations were causing certain behaviors that were actually pushing people away from me. This only perpetuated my irrational (but very real) fear of being rejected.

I now can use my sensitivities as a way to connect with my partner, rather than make the assumption “he doesn’t care,” only to push him away at any perceived threat that enters my brain.

I often tell my clients, “victimization and empowerment are on the same coin.” It can be difficult to flip over, but it’s not impossible. In fact, it’s actually extremely rewarding when you do. This is not to achieve perfection (because there is no such thing), but rather make the active steps to be empowered by your sensitivities, but not allow them to cloud your ability to be objective.

Here are some things to consider:

Without dismissing your experience when you feel rejected or criticized by your partner, just try to take a moment to reflect and ask yourself the following questions to calm yourself down and gain an objective perspective:

1. What am I feeling? (Refrain from going into a narrative here, for example, “I feel like she doesn’t have a clue…. ” As “feeling like…” something is not a feeling. Try to really narrow down core emotions, i.e “I feel hurt. I feel betrayed. I feel sad. I feel alone.”)
2. What I am thinking? (This is where your narrative may go. “I feel like she doesn’t have a clue that this bothers me. I try my best and nothing ever seems to satisfy her. I must be the worst boyfriend on the planet.”)
3. How much of what I am thinking is based on my assumptions? (Here is where you try to trick your brain to be objective. “Am I really the worst boyfriend ever? Has she ever really said that? Maybe I haven’t been clear about what I need from her and that is why she keeps dismissing me. Maybe she doesn’t realize I am trying my best because I haven’t told her.”)
4. Are my behaviors, thoughts and emotions align or do they completely contradict each other? (i.e. “When I am feeling criticized, I shut down and become very quiet. My energy shifts, as I attempt to ‘get over it’ without her knowing she bothered me. I can see that my withdrawn behavior may actually send her another message, possibly that I am angry at her… which may be making her withdrawn. Or that I really don’t care. Both are false. I can see how my assumptions take over to fuel my insecurities and instead of telling her that she has hurt me, I retract and put my wall up.”
5. How might you better attempt to communicate your experience without blame or reactivity? By using your check ins, it’s always helpful to address the subject by owning your own experience in a de-escalted way, i.e “This may be irrational, but I felt like you were critiquing my attempt at making you dinner again and that made me upset because I am really trying to make you happy. I feel like my attempts are rejected by you.” You can also take accountability for your behavior, i.e. “I realize I should have told you this right when it happened, rather than shutting down and withdrawing for the rest of the evening, as I am sure that didn’t feel very good to you, but I was scared to tell you how I really felt.”

Obviously, this will have to be a work in progress, but it’s some food for thought. Any healthy relationship is based on two people owning their own experiences and being self-aware and vulnerable. It takes two, but it can start with you. It’s not about changing yourself, it’s about learning how to communicate your experience more effectively for the better good of your relationship and your own emotional needs… (because we all have them!)

If you are interested in learning more about me and my counseling services in Denver, CO feel free to contact me. I’m here to help! Thanks for reading.

The post Things You Don’t Realize You Do When You’re Feeling Rejected appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

How Counseling Has Changed My Personal Life : A Therapist’s Story

When I say, “I understand that it is difficult for a lot of us to reach out for support,” (especially in regards to our emotional intelligence and relationship insecurities), I personally mean it. I understand why, the topic of counseling can seem extremely uncomfortable and I definitely get the (false) perception of counseling representing pure “weakness.” I understand these things because I have personally felt them as the client; as the resistant person unsure of seeking support out.

It may come to some as a surprise, but I advocate for counseling services full-heartedly, because (for one) I obviously believe in the work I do, but most importantly, because I’ve done my own work with counseling and it’s made a huge impact on my life. 

I remember entering my Master’s program at Regis University. My professor dropped the bomb that all students were required to do 20 hours of their own counseling during the program in order to graduate. Besides being forced to see a therapist once when I was an adolescent, I had never seen a therapist before in my adulthood. I was immediately uncomfortable! [Looking back I think, “What the heck did you expect Alysha? How would you become a therapist and never go to therapy yourself?]”

I was extremely nervous and resistant; for a good year after hearing the requirements, I did not seek out a counselor. I focused on my studies and while the first year of school sort of prepped me for the emotional vulnerability I was ultimately avoiding, I finally decided to see a therapist “for school.” I found myself at that moment, even as a therapist-in-training, reluctant to sit down with a total stranger and open up about issues I sort of knew were there and felt myself not wanting to touch.

Every other week, I sat down, discussed my stressors briefly and felt myself extremely resistant to letting down my guard. I could literally feel myself hold back and I felt like I was  in a virtual reality of some sort and the ultimate goal was to navigate through the session without experiencing pain or tough emotions.  After every session I definitely succeeded in that goal, but felt even more confused, exhausted and temperamental when I got home.

I would not allow myself to cry or dig into deep topics, and 6 months later, I decided to take some time off. Twelve sessions down and 8 more to go, I felt really discouraged and questioned my career path, myself… everything. Why was this so difficult for me?

After a little bit more time and self reflection, I decided to see another therapist.

Knowing what I do now, I was forcing myself into the process when I wasn’t ready and because of that, my counseling experience was not effective.

I didn’t allow myself to trust the therapist and I couldn’t establish the safety that is crucial to healing and moving forward. I “shopped around” for another therapist to join me on my journey and I felt myself ready to be more open and trusting; it was clear there was something going on for me that I wasn’t attune to and was trying desperately to avoid. I could see at this point, I needed more than just documentation of going to 20 sessions. I needed to get to the core of what was personally affecting me.

I met with another therapist whom I felt an instant connection with. Although I was still extremely resistant to opening up with her completely in the first few sessions, I started to realize that as I allowed myself to trust her, my guard started to slowing dissipate and I was actually feeling revived after every session instead of feeling worse.

I realized later, that this was my biggest issue. I didn’t let anyone in because I simply didn’t know how. My suffering had become something I needed to protect from others instead of something I shared; hence, counseling being so uncomfortable for me initially. My therapist taught me a lot about trust; about my own self-awareness and emotions. She helped me feel validated in my experience and instead of protecting my story and ultimately self-sabotaging (which is something I didn’t even realize I was doing!), I was actually able to set my pain free and started to develop my own life without the plaguing pain from the past.

I will admit vulnerably and proudly, I most definitely “practice what I preach,” and I for one, am the first person to admit that I am still on my own journey that consists of constant growth and homework. I experience my own emotions, insecurities, confusion and anxieties. I too, am also human. I want to continue to advocate for counseling services because I see it as a way for people to uniquely and personally bond together on such a human-level, (that unfortunately doesn’t exist in passing or even sometimes with our closest friends and family).

I write my short counseling story to remind people that it’s OK to be human; it’s normal to feel uncomfortable about counseling and being vulnerable is something most of us don’t innately know how to do.

I also write this to display my own relevance to my career and hope to express my passion in a personal and authentic way. I think we as humans are all on the same path of self discovery and fulfillment in some way, regardless of our experiences and past. We may go about approaching this path in very different ways, but I think ultimately, when we strip ourselves of our ego and societal expectations, we are all innately the same. We all can experience overwhelming emotions that we can’t make sense of; we can all struggle sometimes with substance abuse or other unhealthy outlets for emotional safety; we can all have insecurities in our relationships and needs that often don’t get met; we can all find it safer at times to hide our real selves from others.

But… We also all have the choice to work through these effectively and sometimes this requires outside support to teach us how.

I hope my counseling story shows that I, myself, understand the discomfort of seeking out therapy on a very personal level. It is not something I just tell my clients when they sit across from me in session. I myself, understand the conflict and confusion of being on the other side of the therapist’s chair, because I have been there. I am extremely thankful I did it (and continue to do it when I need it).

If you are interested in learning more about me and my services, feel free to contact me.

The post My Counseling Story : Being on the Other Side of the Therapist’s Chair appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.