Why Does My Partner Need Space?

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box

If you have found yourself disheartened with the question, “Why does my partner need space when we argue?” this article may be just what you need in order to build more understanding. Most couples find themselves at times in an repeated conflictual cycle that gets easily activated and is often challenging to repair. Regardless of what you’re arguing about, one person seems to always want space, while the other is desperate to talk things out immediately. This can be frustrating and painful for both parties, as the build up of vulnerable insecurities and resentment can start to ruin the emotional safety in the relationship.

Yikes!

A common complaint in couples therapy is this exact issue. “My partner always walks away from me and we inevitably never solve anything.” or “My partner can’t seem to respect me when I say over and over again to leave me alone…  I need space. I feel pushed until I explode.” The person desiring immediate resolve often feels abandoned, anxious and betrayed; while the person desiring space often feels violated, controlled and is terrified of saying the wrong thing. Unfortunately, both parties don’t express themselves in ways the other person can truly hear, so they continue this vicious cycle of misunderstanding for months or even years. This issue is often the catalyst that brings couples into therapy… or eventually separates them.

“I am fighting for our relationship not fighting against it, but she only sees me as a bully. I don’t know how to make her realize I’m scared to lose her.” -T.D, 32

If you’re in a relationship, then you understand that this cycle feels really defeating if you can’t find mutual validation and repair. After the hundredth time of getting stuck in this cycle, the two of you are probably questioning the relationship and may even become shells of yourselves. As an attachment based therapist, I want to assure you that this cycle comes up in every relationship I have ever worked with and/or heard about in my personal life. This is because we are human and we all have a deep seeded fear of abandonment or rejection in one form or another. On some basic level we may have felt these ways growing up or in a past relationship(s), and this can make our fears even harder to cope with in our current partnership when we can’t seem to get on the same team. Often our innate reactions to perceived threats of rejection, ridicule and/or abandonment come from deep attachment wounds of past experiences that we may not even be aware we have or know how they are correlated.

No human is perfect and regardless of how loving your relationship is, or how much trust and respect you have for each other, sometimes your innate fight or flight response can be triggering for your partner; thus causing the cycle. My husband and I also have a cycle (I call it a “dance”) and I express to my clients that it is important to normalize it, as well as set realistic goals on how to “solve” it together. Instead of looking at your disconnect through the lens of blame, victimhood and/or righteousness, try looking at it as conflicting biological responses to the threat of losing the relationship. When you need repair right away, maybe it’s because you were abandoned by a parent or ex-partner and when you perceive your current partner has had enough, you instinctually panic. It may be irrational, but this is why we have to be gentle with ourselves. We are wired to automatically respond to perceived threats to keep us alive. Most likely your partner just happens to have a differing defense mechanism (freeze or flight) that has kept them “safe.”  If we never get to the level of understanding why we respond the way that we respond, we may end up subconsciously sabotaging our relationship and repeating trauma from our past.

Although this “dance” isn’t fun and can cause a lot of heartbreak, it’s something worth exploring individually, as well as together, for ultimate growth and security building in the relationship.

When more seasoned couples say “relationships are hard work,” they are referring to learning how to establish a balance that neutralizes this cycle. The “work” is learning to recognize the cycle, understand yourself and your partner’s reactions and express your needs vulnerably, to truly be able to see each other’s perspectives and find healing.

Ideally, you would both learn the tools to effectively avoid the cycle altogether, but because this cycle won’t just vanish, you can learn the tools to repair the hurts and misunderstandings effectively so that issues don’t continue to repeat over and over. Sometimes this is only possible with a trained professional.

If your partner’s reaction is to shut down in moments of anxious conflict, I can see how this would feel rejecting and why you might fear abandonment. Especially if they get angry, stop talking altogether, or worse… physically leave. Instead of continuing to torture yourself with the question, “Why does my partner need space?” please read below the possible reasons to hopefully build more understanding of their innate defense mechanism.

Why Does My Partner Need Space? 5 Possible Reasons

1. They were criticized and/or rejected in their past from parents/caregivers and/or friends/ex partners. They may have gotten the message that what they have to say isn’t important or valid. They may have gotten the message that they were flawed in some profound way and thus doesn’t feel good enough.
2. They feel triggered by conflict. This may have to do with growing up with a lot of conflict with parents and/or siblings. This may also have to do with the opposite; they grew up without any conflict and feel very threatened by it. Either way, they struggle with easing their anxiety about confrontation and conflict.
3. They feel intimidated. Think of your partner like a beautiful clam that holds a precious pearl. When in moments of fear, the clam innately shuts itself off in an attempt to protect itself. Evolutionarily their shell is hard and cold, in an attempt to exhaust intruders and protect their vulnerable squishy insides. When closed, the clam feels safe. When open, even half way, the calm feels vulnerable. They are sensitive to predators and often assume they are in the hands of a giant attempting to pry open their shell forcefully with a knife. Eventually, their reaction may be to surrender defeatedly or grip tighter and tighter with a bite.
4. They are slower processors and under stressful situations, need more time to process their thoughts and feelings. You may argue well. You may articulate every feeling and thought you have. They don’t operate like that. Most likely, they feel intimated by your quickness and openness to feelings that they want to make sure they understand themselves before expressing the “wrong” thing. When pushed to communicate, they probably end up saying the “wrong” thing, thus making it harder for them to feel confident in trying to do it again. They may experience pressure from you to know how they feel, thus making it easier to compartmentalize and shut it down completely.
5. They don’t understand the argument/conflict. Sometimes, it is as simple as not understanding what the argument is about or agreeing that the argument is worth actually “arguing” about. Their attempt to shut down is an attempt to stop the argument from escalating. (Unfortunately, they don’t realize that feels like abandonment or dismissive to you).

If one of those reasons may be the cause of your partner’s reaction to flee situations or to shut down, hopefully you can understand with more compassion that they are not actively trying to hurt you. They most likely are not actively trying to torture you by withholding their feelings and thoughts. They aren’t attempting to make you feel abandoned or dismissed. The most advised next step is to seek couples counseling before this issue causes severe harm to your self esteem and relationship’s health.

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How to Stop Parenting you Partner and What to Do Instead

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box

How to stop parenting your partner may seem like a challenging process, because you’ve probably tried everything you can think of. You may be on the verge of breaking up, or finding yourself fantasizing about that green grass on the other side. Before making any rash decisions, we would highly suggest taking a moment to reflect. When we find ourselves in this position, it is crucial to do some internal work verses stay stuck in the place of blame. When reading this article, it is important to realize your part, as well as do the work to explore your needs and expression of those needs in order to invoke change in the relationship.

Parenting your partner can feel icky. I know.. icky isn’t the best word to describe feelings, but sometimes icky is the best way to express the resentment, frustration, isolation and fear we can carry when we feel as though we are parenting our partner. It is not uncommon to have a more dominant personality in a relationship that generally makes the bulk of the decisions, but when couples start to feel less of an partnership and more of a parent/child relationship, there are bigger issues that need to addressed under the surface.

As a therapist, I have heard themes when working with couples. One of the biggest complaints I hear is one person may experience their partner hasn’t changed or matured. Because we ironically find ourselves choosing partners that are exact opposite of us in so many ways, one person can eventually start to feel taken advantage of or resentful of the lack of teamwork they perceive is not being reciprocated in the relationship. That’s because relationships don’t work this way; they are not a quid pro quo, (ex: “the more I give, the more I will receive.”) Our relationships are rarely 50/50. Wait, did you hear that? Relationships are rarely 50/50, yet we often demand this because we are told this is how it should be. We all experience the world differently and somewhere in the middle is the balance that we all need to foster and appreciate in our relationships to find a mutual respect and balance.

The feeling of parenting your partner may have started from the very beginning of your relationship, or it may have been created as time passed and circumstances changed (or stayed “stagnant”). Regardless of when it started, it is important to understand the why it started and really get to the bottom of understanding what you really want to change.

Generally speaking, people with more assertive and “dominant” personalities tend to be leaders in their personal lives; maybe they are bosses, the oldest child, the “parent” in their family dynamic. These traits can be argued are a cause of nature or nurture, and I believe it is both. On one hand, being dominant and assertive, can be a defense mechanism that was created in early childhood to protect themselves, their family and/or circumstances. As an example, maybe their dominance came from being bullied as a kid by their family or peers; maybe their strong control in managing life came from their unfair role of having to parent their unreliable parents or parents struggling with addiction. The combination of natural personality characteristics and their trauma have blended together to make them very self reliant, structured and more particular.

On the contrary, people who tend to go with the flow more easily and are less confrontational maybe have also learned these techniques to protect themselves as well. For example, maybe their innate reaction to let others make decisions for them came from having a parent with a mental illness and they were never allowed to have an opinion anyway; maybe their contentment came from a fear of failure because they were always told they wouldn’t achieve; maybe they were the middle child and/or had siblings that spoke for them. In combination with their natural personality traits, you can see how their trauma has created more timidness, patience and flexibility.

Clearly, both personality traits have pros and cons. Areas of weakness and areas of strength. Together, we need to learn to accept and appreciate each other’s differences and where they came from, instead of judging them as being “controlling” and/or “lazy.” We have to try to see our partner with compassion to find a common space to relate to each other; otherwise our differences that we were once attracted to, ironically become the exact reason many couples decide to split. Whatever the circumstances of our upbringings, our reactions as adults are often misunderstood by the people we love the most.

Our partner has their own complexities and challenges. They have their own strengths that are triggering for us, because it’s often showing us our own defiance of change.

If you find yourself parenting your partner and feeling resentment or isolated, reflect on these questions before making the decision to leave or repeating the same argument:

1. Jot down all the reasons you were attracted to your partner in the first place. Are any of these reasons/traits what you feel frustrated by now? If so, what has changed your perspective?
2. What are your expectations of your partner? Is it possible that they are unrealistic, too harsh and/or coming from a judgmental place?
3. What needs did you have growing up that may be getting triggered in your current life? (Example: You currently argue with your partner about them making more money, but is it possible that you’re feeling insecure or uncertain about the future and want more reliability? Is it possible you are subconsciously speaking in code and argue about content related issues that may have a deeper need or insecurity?)
4. Is it possible that you are feeling out of control in your life? If so, have you explained this vulnerably to your partner that you are feeling stuck without blaming them?
5. Is it possible that it is challenging for you to ask for help? If so, how could you be unintentionally coming across defensive, controlling and/or demanding because of this?
6. Do you have a pattern of trying to fix, control and/or save everyone? Where does this come from?
7. Are you feeling appreciated, valued and seen in your relationship? If not, how may this be contributing to your frustration and expectations?

Now, after your reflection, try these tips to initiate more understanding in your partnership in hopes of saving it:

1. Talk about childhoods and impactful moments in your lives: From a curious place, discuss how you both perceive the why behind why you are the way that you are. Go further into discussion about your childhoods and how they are impacting your current relationship. How does this give you both more compassion and understanding as to why certain characteristics or behaviors may be hard to change in adulthood.
2. Discuss your authentic and vulnerable needs, not disappointments or demands: From a sincere place, discuss your unmet needs in childhood. Your insecurities about how you show up in the relationship. What are you both trying to protect? Why is X, Y, and Z issue really an issue?
3. Discuss how your expectations of each other and of change may be limiting and unrealistic: This doesn’t mean that you don’t have needs and requests of your partner, but what this does mean is you both have to own how your projections are affecting each other, as well contributing to your own suffering. Sometimes our expectations and the way we think are the problem. If you originally fell in love with the characteristics of your partner that now upset you, it’s important to recognize why. What about your expectations have changed and is it possible to find a middle ground?
4. Identify what areas you both need to work on: Safely take accountability for your setbacks and explain to your partner how you see these challenges showing up in the relationship. With humility, own them. No one wants you to be perfect, but by taking accountability, it can help your partner feel validated, thus creating healing and motivation to want to work on change together.
5. Be aware of when your triggers alert you and how you deal with those triggers automatically: Next time you feel annoyed, angry or hurt, stop and reflect on why. Then notice how you tend to deal with your discomfort automatically and instead of reacting out of habit, try stopping, reflecting and gaining insight before you respond.
6. Define roles in relationship and discuss ways to share more responsibilities mutually: Collaborate! It seems silly to sit down and structure a list of roles and responsibilities, but it is more effective to address directly than to make assumptions. Together, list all the adulting responsibilities you both have and what things you feel is “your” responsibility and why. Maybe this exercise highlights discrepancies and/or helps the two of you have more conversation about what is important and why. Remember, you can strive for 50/50, but don’t expect it!
7. Identify your strengths and weaknesses and how you’d work better as a team if you both were to work with your strengths more: If your relationship was a sports team, what position would each of you flourish in? Together, agree and collaborate on what roles and responsibilities that are within your “expertise,” as well as commit to taking on something within the relationship that challenges your comfort zone.
8. Communicate about what you both desire in terms of feeling appreciated in your relationship. Try the five love languages quiz to help you identify ways you feel and experience love.
9. Try Couples Therapy!

As you can see, this complicated dynamic is not simple. We often let our egos convince us that our partner is the enemy and we forget that we are just flawed imperfect humans doing the best that we can. Sometimes, when we find ourselves partnering our partner, we don’t realize that we are feeling defeated, lonely and or anxious about the unknown of our own lives. Sometimes, we don’t realize that we are struggling internally and thus it is necessary to build self awareness before blaming our partner for their deficancies. It is important to realize that having needs and requests are important, but we also have to learn to be patient and love our partners unconditionally at the same time. Regardless of you feeling like the parent or child in your relationship, you can hopefully see that you both are feeling misunderstood in the relationship. It’s important to gain perceptive and clear up assumptions that are creating toxicity in your partnership.

Thanks for reading How to Stop Parenting Your Partner! Have you experienced this dynamic before? Tell us about it!

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Stop Trying to Fix Everything in Your Relationship : 6 Things You to do Instead

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box

“Stop trying to fix everything in your relationship!” may be something you’ve heard a bazillion times. Maybe it’s something you didn’t even know you were trying to do; but you just know you hate when the one you love struggles or when there is conflict between the two of you. Your intentions are sincere. You want to keep the peace and make “negative” feelings go away. Your natural go-to is to logically assess the situation, then fix the uncomfortableness. So you may be confused as to why your partner doesn’t understand your genuine attempt to help them out or to defuse the situation.

When your partner starts to get angry with you for always trying to fix things, you may find yourself at a frustrating point and don’t quite understand what to do to make things better. This may make you feel completely discouraged, stressed and rejected. You may start to believe that you can never do anything right. Maybe that is why you have found yourself googling, “stop trying to fix everything in your relationship.”

If you’re in this boat, hear me when I say, this is a common issue for couples.

We have all heard of chronic people pleasing, but we often don’t hear enough about the “chronic fixer” mentality. “The chronic fixer” was often the child growing up that was in charge of their erratic or irresponsible parent or sibling; the child that was expected to be the mediator in the family when abuse or escalation would surface; the child that was neglected from their parents attention or who grew up not understanding unconditional love. The fixer is often the child that never learned how to emotionally express their needs or feelings and becomes easily overwhelmed with other’s expression of emotions. If you are the fixer, this is often why the inner child in you feels so helpless and why it may feel incredibly hurtful when your partner gets angry with you for trying to help. If the fixer mentality in you is so ingrained, it can be a challenge to stop trying to fix everything in your relationship.

So what do you do?

As the fixer, your conscious intentions of diffusing the situation are noble. You care, you try to support, you want to make things “right” again. However, your automatic drive to fix things, is usually more of a defense mechanism to protect yourself, than it is an altruistic drive to help. This is why the attempt to fix doesn’t soothe your partner and it seems to only make things worse. So, if you are the fixer, this doesn’t mean you are “bad,” or wrong. It’s just helpful to realize that your automatic behavior to shut things down and to fix them, are usually an innate defense against your intolerance to emotional discomfort and/or escalation and conflict. Your actions and attempt to fix things, are an automatic response to your subconscious fears in childhood or a toxic past relationship.

So, in a nutshell, the (subconscious) attempt to fix everything is often motivated by a desire to protect yourself from being triggered by a wound that hasn’t fully been healed from your past.

One of the reasons this comes up a lot in couples counseling, is because one person’s natural approach to supporting the other can unfortunately be the exact opposite from what their partner actually needs. Together, they don’t know how to communicate about it, so they tend to just get frustrated at each other and get stuck in repetitive arguments. They both end up feeling dismissed and frustrated.

It’s like the example of never telling a frantic person to “calm down.” Generally, telling someone to calm down has the opposite outcome, because it makes the person who is feeling frantic, now feel dismissed and embarrassed for feeling how they are feeling. Even if “calming down” is the logical and helpful thing to do, in the moment of heightened emotions, it is impossible to flip the switch into a logical state of mind. When we are feeling emotionally triggered, our brains can stop working properly and the amygdala can be hijacked. This is important to understand because we are incredibly complex as human beings and sometimes, when we are emotional, we aren’t always choosing to react in the way we desire. This is why it is incredibly important for both partners to work on strengthening emotional intelligence and tolerance.

I often tell my clients to picture a disgusting scenario: Your partner is stuck in poop. Literally. They are drenched in it. It’s like quick sand and they are barely able to keep their head above the disgustingness. You see them and you want to get them out, but you look around you and there is absolutely nothing you can use to pull them out with. Your partner is defeated and stressed. You are defeated and stressed. Best thing you can do? Jump in the pile of poo with them. That’s it. Sound crazy? YES, it does, but this is often all we need as humans. By jumping in, you show up for them. You give them permission to be overwhelmed and you give yourself permission to be powerless. You ride the wave together and you see your partner with compassion, they see you with intention. Sometimes there is no solution other than that. Eventually the disgustingness becomes livable and the two of you realize you actually aren’t covered in poop, it’s just mud; and by the time the sun goes down, it starts to loosen up, allowing the two of you to get out comfortably to find shelter… together, as a team. “Problem” solved!

Stop Trying to Fix Everything in Your Relationship | 6 Things to do Instead:

Breathe | So when your partner is struggling with something, try to breathe consciously. Literally take a few moments to calm your instinct to react by shutting the emotions down and fixing it. Just breathe and remind yourself that you are safe. Be conscious of what immediate thought popped into your head, “Oh no, here we go again,” or “What did I do wrong?”

Don’t Make Assumptions | When you’re sensing your partner’s vibe is off, you automatically go to worst case scenario in your head. Stop that train of thought, observe the situation and try asking yourself, “Is what I am assuming/thinking true? Do I have evidence to support these automatic thoughts? Am I giving my partner the benefit of the doubt?”

Ask More Questions | Listen more. Ask more. It’s simple enough to help your partner feel validated, but also helpful in soothing your anxiety. Maybe your partner is upset about something that has nothing to do with you, and they just need a moment to talk through it. Try asking a simple question about their needs, “Do you want me to help you solve this, or just listen?”

Set Boundaries | It is completely OK for you to request boundaries when you are feeling overwhelmed and need a moment to collect yourself from flooding emotions. A healthy example on how to request space from an emotional partner is, “I hear you, I see you’re upset, and I need a moment to process all this because emotions can be challenging for me to process. Can we revisit this conversation when I get back in a couple hours?”

Work on Feeling Uncomfortable | Work on your tolerance to difficult emotions or conversations. If being uncomfortable with emotions is something you struggle with, it may be time to do your own counseling to help you regulate and process them effectively.

Relinquish Your Responsibility to Fix Everything | You may feel as though it is your “job” for one reason or another to fix everything, but it isn’t. In fact, that belief is causing you the most pain and discomfort. By relinquishing the responsibility, you surrender to not having control. This is uncomfortable, but it is equally relieving.

*Obviously, if your relationship hits any of these red flags, then you may want to reconsider your relationship’s health and may not want to continue the relationship. There is a difference between being a fixer due to childhood triggers and feeling coerced to please your partner because they are abusive.

All and all, relationships are challenging! The best thing you can do is try to assume the best of your partner (if it is not toxic or abusive). We are all trying our best, even if it doesn’t seem that way sometimes. If you don’t feel heard, there may be somethings you can try differently to be softer with your approach. If you don’t feel appreciated or understood, then you may be trying too hard to fix the situation rather than just hear your partner out.

Thanks for reading our article, Stop Trying to Fix Everything in Your Relationship.

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Examples of Power Struggles in a Relationship | How to Tell if You Are Butting Heads to Gain Control (and why?)

Awe… the honeymoon phase. Isn’t it bliss? 

There are seemingly no “real” struggles in the honeymoon phase, right? Just fun dates and lots of sex. There’s no arguing about who loads the dishwasher, or picks up the check(s). No one is frustrated about always initiating sex or what to eat for dinner. Life in the beginning was just easy filled with compromise. 

This time in our relationship is “easy,” because we are often lost in lust and oxytocin. It’s also easy, because we are happy to forfeit our opinions in order to make the other person satisfied and to keep them interested. We don’t mind compromise because we all enjoy falling in love. 

So, fast forward a few months… or even some years. You may have found yourselves unhappy and struggling with feeling fully appreciated and/or equal in your relationship. Maybe simple communication is challenging or mutual respect is declining. At times, you may feel frustrated and sad that the relationship you once had feels lost and the person you fell in love with has slipped away. 

Well, you may have found yourselves in a power struggle. 

You may not even realize it, but often times the petty fights you find yourselves in are just an attempt for your voices to be heard/respected, your feelings to be validated, or your contributions to be recognized and appreciated. We often get stuck in the content of “who did what” instead of communicating to each other our vulnerable desires to feel seen in the relationship. Sometimes, we get so stuck on how things used to be, that we start resenting our partners for inevitable changes. 

Here are Examples of Power Struggles in a Relationship:

#1: You find yourselves easily arguing about your (subjective) experiences being a fact. 

#2: You and/or your partner makes regular passive aggressive comments and says they are just “joking.”  

#3: You and/or partner feels entitled to having more decision making privileges, because you/they make more money.

#4: You and/or your partner feel secretively defiant.

#5 You put each other down. 

#6 You get in arguments the second you both have differing opinions. 

#7 You and/or your partner constantly bring up the past to justify their actions. 

#8 You and/or your partner play games to make the other one jealous. 

#9 You find yourselves in competition with each other, and not in a cute way. 

#10 You and/or your partner often threaten leaving the relationship in arguments. 

#11 You and/or your partner withhold sex, intimacy or affection to prove a point. 

#12 You and/or your partner often feels “in trouble.” 

#13 You and/or your partner purposefully want to withhold offering support or help to “teach” them a lesson. 

Power struggles can be a common element to a relationship, but catching them early will help you both determine a healthy way to restructure them. Sometimes, power struggles in a relationship can be due to feeling unheard and sometimes addressing them calmly can be the fix. Other times, power struggles can come from years of built up resentment and pain, which may require a lot more time and tools to heal. Either way, therapy is always a great idea to help you both unpack these negative behaviors and break the cycle for good. 

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How to Support Your Partner with Anxiety : 5 Things to Try

If you’ve never struggled with anxiety, anxiety attacks, panic or excessive worry, than it may be challenging for you to know how to support your partner when they do. Being someone that has had GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) for most of my life, it can be challenging to feel understood. Even having an ability to understand GAD from a clinical standpoint, it can still be difficult to explain my experience or know how to self soothe at times.

I self disclose this because I think it is important for people to understand that anxiety and anxiety disorders can have an impact on anyone. Anxiety is complex and there isn’t a one-size fits all remedy or “fix.” Although women are twice as likely to have anxiety disorders than men, during my counseling career I have noticed that many men experience anxiety without realizing it.

People that experience debilitating anxiety may tell you they feel insecure or ashamed. “I would try to hide my anxiety because I was so embarrassed for being stressed out about dying. I’d notice a new birthmark and would immediately dwell and google skin cancer for days. I was convinced in my fear stricken state that I was dying, yet my rational brain would often say, ‘You’re fine…’ It was almost as if I couldn’t trust which voice to listen to, so I just kept searching online for reassurance until I was so physically and emotionally upset that I couldn’t get out of bed. It wasn’t until then that my partner really started to understand how complex and heavy my anxiety really could become. I was so afraid he would minimize my experience and tell me how stupid I was; I didn’t know how to ask for support, let alone confront him with my fears, so I would often just close him off and then we would get into an argument.” – Alexis, 32. This is an example of health anxiety, which many researchers think close to 15% of the population may struggle with this particular disorder. Someone struggling with health anxiety is often misunderstood and can be dismissed by others around them, including doctors or professionals.

Social anxiety is also very common and many people mask their symptoms by engaging in alcohol or recreational drugs to soothe their fears. This can lead to relational arguments and misunderstandings. It is easy to make assumptions that your partner is just being shy, closed off or awkward; they have a drinking problem or they are socially rude. It is important to understand the root cause, because these may be signs that link to anxiety management instead.

If your partner is struggling with anxiety and you don’t quite understand how to support them, please try these tips:

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #1

Don’t (ever) tell them to “calm down,” “chill out,” or “don’t worry about it.” Although the intent may be supportive, it comes across insensitive and dismissive for the partner struggling with soothing their nervous system and intrusive thoughts. It may seem counterintuitive but try validating their anxiety instead. Validating their anxiety can actually help them put a name to their experience, while also helping them feel understood. “You’re feeling anxious… It’s ok. I’m here.”

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #2

When your partner is not feeling anxious, try to understand what their anxiety is like for them. Ask questions like, “What does it feel like in your body?” “What thoughts do you have when you’re anxious?” or “Do you know what triggers it for you?” or “What helps you when you’re feeling that way?”

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #3

During an anxiety attack, remind them to breathe. Deep and long inhales/exhales are incredibly helpful for their nervous system to calm and can distract their mind from continued panic.

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #4

If your partner has a particular diagnosis, educate yourself on it. By researching what anxiety is, it can be more helpful for you to understand the symptoms from a more objective place.

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #5

Support your partner in seeking a professional help if they aren’t seeing someone already.

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #6

Give your partner some grace and always try to exercise compassion. It may be hard to relate to and understand anxiety personally, (or rationally), but the more compassion you can express, the more your partner will feel comforted.

The post How to Support Your Partner with Anxiety appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

5 Things to try if you don’t feel heard : Feeling unheard or misunderstood in your relationship can be incredibly isolating. It can also be exhausting when you’ve tried everything you can to explain how you’re feeling and your partner still doesn’t hear you. 

I often hear my clients report that their biggest complaint in their relationship(s) is that they aren’t being heard. They feel they communicate effectively and express themselves clearly. So what is the problem? 

There is most likely a disconnect because your partner’s perception is totally different or they don’t know what to do with the information you are expressing. We may not intend to do this, but we often end up trying to change our partner’s perception when we aren’t feeling validated. This causes conflict and we then get stuck defending why our perspective is right. 

The reality, is neither of you are right, but both of you are valid. When we struggle with being heard, it can often be contributed to how we are being perceived. Although we don’t have any control over how other’s perceive us, we can work on our expression of vulnerability and detach from our partner’s response if they have a reaction that isn’t fulfilling to us.

We also have to remember, our partner is an insecure child inside at times of feeling triggered and they have their own demons they are battling. If they are reactive to our feedback or vulnerability, it may be tangled up with their own deep seeded struggles. This doesn’t give anyone a free pass to be abusive, but if you perceive your partner is guarded, defensive, attacking or blaming, we can try our best to understand why without personalizing it. Their reaction may not have everything to do with us. 

There is also huge difference between communicating clearly, (which involves little to no emotional exposure) and communicating vulnerably (which has everything to do with exposure and letting down your guard). Which do you often do? 

Here are 5 things to try if you don’t feel heard: 

#1 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Exercise your emotional intelligence. 

It is essential to know what you are feeling! Seems simple enough, but often times we don’t really know what we are feeling, we just know we are uncomfortable. This leads us to subconsciously project onto our partner. We then create an expectation and are disappointed when they don’t fulfill our needs. Understanding our own vulnerable emotions is crucial for your partner to fully understand them, too. How helpful would it be for you to be aware that you feel insecure about how you look, prior to having an upset reaction with your partner when you project that they are looking at stranger with a wandering eye?

#2 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Don’t default to anger. 

When we feel dismissed, it’s hard not to default to anger. Anger is a special emotion, because it “protects” our inner fears. It helps us feel powerful in moments when we may feel really small. Instead of expressing anger, practice exposing your fear, insecurities or hurt to your partner. Anger will most likely always set off your partner’s defense mechanism(s) and you won’t end up feeling heard anyway. 

#3 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Be aware of your accusations.

I often her my clients say to their partner, “I HAVE TOLD YOU SO MANY TIMES THAT IT PISSES ME OFF WHEN YOU CONTINUE TO ACT AGGRESSIVE WHEN I’M TRYING TO EXPRESS MYSELF. YOU APPARENTLY DON’T CARE OR LISTEN.” As an objective party, I can understand that this person is trying to express their hurt feelings by expressing their tolerance is low; they are feeling defeated and most likely really sad. As an objective party, I can also understand how this expression is hard for their partner to hear with compassion, because the stance is accusatory and it’s being expressed from anger. Now, we get caught in a dance of arguing about who’s right, because most likely your partner wants to (naturally) defend a misrepresentation of themselves that they don’t agree with. So if you want your partner to understand you, not defend themselves, you have to be very mindful of how you are expressing your perspective. The second you accuse, (ex: “You did ______,” or “You always do this______,”) is the second your partner flips the switch and stops listening to you. It’s important to try to express your perception by expressing, (ex: “Maybe this isn’t your intention, but I perceive you shut down when I try to talk to you sometimes and it really hurts me. I feel dismissed and rejected.” 

#4 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Practice humility. 

Humility is important in a partnership. It requires you look into the mirror and acknowledge that maybe you aren’t right, or maybe you aren’t being vulnerable. It helps us take ownership of our behavior when our behavior isn’t congruent to our feelings. It’s important to confront your partner with humility and own your projections when you can’t catch them in the moment, (ex: “I’m sorry I came at you today with anger and accusations. I know you don’t intentionally mean to dismiss me. I’m really hurt and feel disconnected from you and instead of saying that, I got angry.”) Please remember that in a partnership, no one is to blame. Both people actively contribute to conflict, disconnect and hurt feelings. 

#5 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Try to give your partner the benefit of the doubt by recreating your narrative about their intentions. 

Maybe you struggle with conflict or are sensitive to your partner’s moods/reactions. If you try your hardest to avoid the scenario of feeling dismissed or having a disagreement, you may not even realize that you start to suppress your feelings over time. This eventually leads to an angry outburst from a nasty narrative you’ve created about your partner’s intentions, (ex: “He really doesn’t care about me,” or “She is so needy or selfish.”) Our attempt to avoid conflict ends up being more conflictual because we have stopped trying to see our partner with compassion and understanding, (ex: “Maybe he doesn’t listen to be at times because he’s under a lot of pressure and feels like he is failing at everything. When I tell him I’m hurt with him, he just hears how much of a failure he is all over again,” or “She feels so disconnected from everyone right now and it must be really difficult for her to feel disconnected from me, she just misses me.”)

In a partnership, we have to constantly work on ourselves. This is key. If we constantly default to blame and aggression, we will never be heard or understood. In the Denver area and need help with this? Give us a shout! We are happy to help!

Thanks for reading 5 Things to Try if You Don’t Feel Heard! Leave any feedback or comments below. 

The post Things to Try if You Don’t Feel Heard : 5 Ways to Express Yourself Differently appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Dating someone with borderline personality disorder can sound really scary.

Dating someone with borderline personality disorder can also sound really serious. Especially if you’ve never heard of a “personality disorder” in general or have any idea what it actually means. Mental health as a whole can be very nerve racking if we don’t have a full understanding of what is really going on. I write this blog specifically because the majority of my individual clients struggle with a personal relationship with someone that has a personality disorder, specially Borderline Personality disorder… (and they don’t know it).

So What is Borderline Personality Disorder? According to psychiatry.org “Borderline Personality Disorder is a pattern of instability in personal relationships, intense emotions, poor self-image and impulsivity. A person with borderline personality disorder may go to great lengths to avoid being abandoned, have repeated suicide attempts, display inappropriate intense anger or have ongoing feelings of emptiness.” Studies believe Borderline Personality Disorder may be caused by trauma, genetics and/or learned behavior. People with this disorder may also have comorbidity which means they have multiple disorders at once (such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc).

Although this definition of borderline personality disorder is accurate, it may not be incredibly helpful because borderline personalities don’t always show up in this way. People that have BPD can be incredibly loyal, loving and empathetic. They can be self aware, empathic and compassionate. As their partner or friend, you may be their ultimate favorite person that they cherish greatly; but they may also easily become possessive or are very irrational at seemingly the drop of a hat. Your relationship with them may be just as pleasant as it is difficult and you may be really suffering as to understanding why. If you feel as though you are questioning your own behavior, morals and/or reactions often, and/or have been feeling an extreme uncertainty about what is going to make them happy again, you may want to read on. 

Here are a few examples of how you may be experiencing a borderline personality in your relationship.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #1: Their Reactions Are Often Disproportionate to What’s Happening

You may find that you struggle with understanding their reactions at times and question if you are being insensitive. You may find little things, (like not answering your phone), set your partner through the roof. You are confused by their disporportionate emotions at times and can’t logically comprehend why they are so upset. You may find yourself asking “why are you so mad?” which may only make the situation more reactive. You may find yourself thinking “this is so irrational,” but you can’t calm them down. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #2: The Honeymoon Stage was ELECTRIC 

You felt electricity that was unlike any “spark” that you have ever experienced in a relationship before. The sexual chemistry may have been explosive from the very beginning, and/or your emotional chemistry was easy. You may feel as though you are addicted to this part of your relationship and often try your best to get it back. You’ve convinced yourself (and possibly friends and family) that the highs are way more valuable than the lows, and you do your best to hang onto the moments you two are in bliss.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #3: They Are Never Wrong

Because your partner is often very black or white, you may notice a pattern that your partner does not accept accountability for their behavior, (which typically means they never apologize.) They somehow find a way to make you feel guilty about something you did that caused them to lash out in the way they did. Even after the argument has settled, you may still find yourself feeling invalidated for multiple occasions. The relationship often feels one-sided and as though there is no room for your needs or feelings. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #4: They Are Deep and Emotional

You’ve experienced vulnerable moments with them that have made you fall deeper and deeper in love. They seem self aware and able to articulate their experiences of the past in ways you may have never experienced anyone do before. They may have been in therapy for years and talk a lot about their past. You find this level of depth intriguing, when it is not projected at you.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #5: Your Relationship Feels Like a Yo-Yo

You’ve never felt so loved and so hated by anyone, ever. This yo-yo effect in your relationship may lead to a lot of confusion, curiosity, hope and frustration for you. It’s a mystery and at times you may feel you are the only one that doesn’t get it, but you want to figure it out. You may find your inner child gets triggered a lot and you may get to a point when you feel like a defeated shell of yourself. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #6: You Have Anxiety, All the Time

You may find yourself constantly confused, which results to a lot anxiety and self doubt. You may not be able to identify the source of your partner’s shift in mood, or the level of emotion that is being expressed, so you walk on eggshells. You may start to analyze your own character and become insecure or resentful. You are often struggling with understanding the why of their negative or extreme reactions toward you, so you struggle with knowing how to assert your needs. You may ask yourself, “Am I crazy?” “Did I totally perceive this situation wrong?” “Do other people think I’m just a terrible person, too?” “Why does my partner do this? I would never do this to them.”

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #7: You Don’t Feel Trusted 

You don’t ever really feel trusted by your partner, even if you haven’t “done” anything to give them the impression you are untrustworthy. People who struggle with borderline personality disorder are incredibly vulnerable to the idea of abandonment. They want to be loved unconditionally (like we all do), but they often struggle with trusting full heartedly because they are often suspicious of people’s motives.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #8: You Feel Guilty

You feel guilty often and probably take accountability for things that you don’t believe are for you to own; but you do this to keep the peace and to de-escalate the situation. Maybe you’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser so this dynamic may be somewhat of a comfort zone to you, even if it doesn’t feel great. You may become obsessed with the getting back to a good place with your partner so you can become the most special, beloved, and needed person on the planet again.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #9: There Is No Room For Your Feelings/Needs

You feel as though you aren’t allowed to have needs because every time you express them, your partner completely dismisses you and refuses to accept they don’t offer these needs to you. They may turn a situation back on you and express in detail how much they do for you that you don’t appreciate or see. They don’t see your point of view, but expect and demand you to always see their’s. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #10: They Dislike Most People

Your partner may have a strong victim mentality and you start seeing it more and more in their personal life outside of you. Maybe they don’t have many friends because, “they are all back-stabbers,” or they complain constantly about their coworkers because they are all “bullies.” Maybe their family is the total “enemy” and the reason for all of their suffering. Either way, you can start to get a glimpse into their lens of the world, which is everyone is against them.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #11: People in Your Circle Say, GET OUT.

You friends and family may have cautioned you multiple times about this relationship. If you have been transparent with your friends and families about your partner’s behavior, then most likely your best friends or close relatives have expressed their concern for you.  (Or, another example of dating someone with borderline personality disorder is the reluctance you may have to actually tell others around you the full story of what has been going on in your relationship because you’re ashamed, embarrassed and/or scared. So you often hide your feelings and confusion from close ones around you and try to process it all by yourself. You may also be in denial).

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #12: You Are Terrified to Even Think About Breaking up With Them

If you have questioned breaking up with your partner, but fear retaliation, their volatile reaction and/or them self-harming as a reaction, this is a strong indicator that your partner is struggling with BPD. 

So let’s say you relate to most of these examples. Where do you go from here? A part of you may feel a lot of relief, but you may also have a lot of fear about how to proceed. The tricky piece to many personality disorders like Borderline Personality, it is an ego syntonic disorder, (which means an individual is unaware of their symptoms). This makes healthy longterm relationships pretty challenging (if not downright impossible), because they are often incapable of recognizing their (negative) part in the dynamic. If everything is perceived from their eyes as your fault, you may never feel seen, understood or appreciated in your relationship.

Ego syntonic disorders are also limiting in treatment, such as accepting the idea that they could use individual therapy or couples counseling, because they often think everyone else is the problem. The counseling experience with borderline personalities can often play out where they refuse to come altogether, or participate but the moment they feel the therapist is not on their side they can feel abandoned or become volatile. Or, they could find a therapist that only validates their perspective, which may only perpetuates their victim narrative.

If there is willingness from your partner to want to explore help, there are specific treatments available such as PCH Treatment that are designed to support borderline personality disorder that have shown to be successful. Often medication can help for the other possible symptoms such as depression and anxiety, but there are currently no “cures” for personality disorders.

If you think you are dating a person with borderline personality disorder, my advice is to seek your own individual counseling. You can gain support in educating yourself on this disorder, as well as learn the tools to navigate your own feelings and explore your own blind spots, and understand what you gain from this relationship. From that point on, you may be able to navigate a conversation about supportive treatment with your partner or at least have more perspective about how you’d like to proceed.

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Why Women Leave their “Ideal”Marriages : Three themes I have seen as a Relationship Therapist

*It is important to note that although I am using specific gender pronouns, I am not intentionally meaning to exclude or generalize behaviors unfairly based on someone’s preferred gender identification. This article is an example of themes I have heard in my experience as a couples therapist from heterosexual, cisgender couples. However, this content has and can be a theme in any relationship, regardless of gender and identification. 

Maybe you’ve personally experienced what I am about to discuss, or maybe you have just seen women around you make the decision to leave their marriages. Either way, this blog is intended to discuss certain themes I have seen as a Relationship Therapist that are associated with women in particular choosing to leave their “ideal” marriages.

There’s no denying that marriage and commitment have all been redefined in our society. Generational shifts, gender related shifts, empowerment and free choice have all influenced the ways in which the modern person identifies, views tradition and responds to commitment. 

This isn’t “right”, or “wrong,” but (our) reality is, things have changed.  We may find ourselves confused with what the “right” thing for us is; when we get to a certain age we may find ourselves with a lot of conflicting questions and not a lot answers. (i.e. “Do I want to get married? Why or why not?” “Is this person right for me?” “Do I want children?” “Have a waited too long to make a decision?” “Did I settle?”) The shifts in tradition have positive influences, as well as negative. The negative influences can be that it lacks a supportive direction because we have so many choices, thus leaving us potentially feeling more and more confused with “where to go.” 

As a modern Relationship Therapist, I have seen certain trends that commonly pop up in client’s experiences. One of which is many women making the decision to leave their (on paper) “ideal marriages.” Sometimes seemingly out of the blue, after years of commitment and perceived “happiness.”

When working with heterosexual cisgender couples, statistically speaking, I have had more women make this decision to leave than men.  Again, not labeling or judging this as “good or bad,” just strictly a common observation. Does this surprise you?

In the big picture, I find this interesting.

Obviously every woman, every man, everyone… is different. We cannot possibly chalk this up to one argument that insists “all women who chose to leave their marriages do it because ______.” Rather, I would like to identify 3 causes I have consistently found throughout my experience as a Relationship Therapist that have been leading factors to the why’s of women leaving their “ideal marriages.”

#1 Why women leave their ideal marriage : They’ve “lost and/or have redefined  themselves.”

Simply put, I’ve seen many couples who have been together/committed since they were 19-25 years old and now in their 30s or 40s, the women come to realize how much of themselves they didn’t know and/or explore when they made the decision to share their life with someone.

From their perspective, they may feel as though they attempted to share their new discovery (or desire to discover) with their husbands, but repeatedly felt rejected or dismissed in the process. After months or even years of feeling isolated with this part of themselves rarely exposed, they start to (consciously or subconsciously) pull away from their husbands and feel a sense of emptiness.

They feel vulnerable, conflicted with the newness they have tapped into, but also feel embarrassed or ashamed due to their perceived partner’s neglect in exploring this side with them. This new part of themselves can be as simple as gaining new hobbies; a new friend group; a new job; a new sense of confidence. It can also be as deep as a newly found spirituality, sexual desire, or a new phase in their lives that creates a new meaning in their identity (example: becoming a mother).

Let’s take a realistic scenario. A woman defines herself as a hard worker, independent and self reliant; she gets married, has babies and stops working as much, if not entirely. The woman losses self confidence and independence, and internally shuts off due to her confusion of her own self worth. Her identity has become a “mother” and she doesn’t recognize the other parts of herself that once liberated her. After her children are a bit older she finds herself disconnected from the world, her relationships and even herself; she wants to re-establish and find herself again only to perceive and feel as though she’s met with criticism and judgment from her husband. Her husband may not logically understand what the big deal is, or understand her needs to re-establish her identity and may dismiss the severity. She feels conflicted, abandoned and alone. After years of attempting to restructure her sense of self and feeling insecure and isolated by her partner, she may find herself wanting to end her marriage because she feels there is no other option to feel empowered, confident and authentic again.

#2 Why women leave their ideal marriage : They haven’t clearly communicated to their partner the severity of their fears or needs (until their decision to leave has already been made or an affair has happened). 

Again, not a criticism or judgment. A mere observation I have seen throughout the years when working with couples. One correlation that seems to generate across the board is seeing some women get so defeated by their perception of their failed attempts, that often by the time they get to counseling, they have already made up their mind to leave their marriages. They feel completely discouraged, as many of them feel they had communicated over and over what their needs and fears were, but their partner “never listened.”

Again, no right or wrong, but as the objective perspective in the room, I can see how  some of these women perceive the situation and why it would feel discouraging to them. I can also see their male counterpart’s perspective, that they internalized their partner’s attempts to communicate as being nagged or criticized over and over again,  (i.e. “you never take me out anymore,” or “I’m at home either the kids all day and you barely notice me when you get home,”) and missed reading between the lines of what their partner was trying to communicate (“I’m unhappy, I’m lonely, I’m feeling abandoned.”)

This disconnect in communication is common in all the relationships I work with and I explain it in terms of a “vulnerability scale.” I ask my clients to rate themselves based on a scale of 1-5 in vulnerability. When they come into session, they are mostly speaking their truths in an emotional 5. When they are at home they may only be communicating to each other at a level 1-3.

We don’t realize that just because we are speaking, doesn’t mean our vulnerability and intention is being heard. If we have communicated for years at a level 1-3, no wonder our partner hasn’t been hearing us. A level 1-3 has a tone, is often aggressive or demanding; it is protecting our overall insecurities and is wrapped up in unneccessary content. This message is very different than communicating to your partner at a level 5 and expressing your deepest needs, insecurities and feelings without defensiveness.

The unfortunate part of this situation; it’s simply due to lacking tools. Most of us don’t know how to speak at a level 5 with our partner; most of us feel isolated or misunderstood by our partner at times; most of shut down. Years of perpetuating this cycle, I can understand why couples separate. It’s exhausting. However, my suggestion, if you are currently experiencing this, seek support right away! This could save your relationship…. and in my belief, it can be saved. 

#3 Why women leave their ideal marriage : They realize they have created a life that has only “checked boxes” verses actually being fulfilling in a way they authentically desire.

This isn’t always the case, (none of these are by the way) but I have seen many women get to a place in their lives that they reflect and realize they aren’t really  fulfilled. They start to realize they may have been operating out of societal norms or perceived expectations, and never really gave themselves permission to pursue what they wanted.

Many women may find themselves at a crossroads where they realize the things they “settled for” when they got married, are actually huge needs that aren’t getting met.

They then find themselves conflicted with how to ask their partner for these things when they “knew what they were getting” when they agreed to get married. This is tough because they want to ask for what they need (example: more emotional connection) but know practically that they married a man that doesn’t have the capacity or offer this to them. They feel stuck with suppression, are conflicted and feel stuck. They may also experience extreme guilt, as they may love other parts of their partner but still feel incomplete, (i.e. “he’s such a good dad,” or “he doesn’t cheat, he takes care of me financially and supports my career goals.”)

This blog may really resonate with you; it may shake up a lot for you as well. Maybe you’re a woman who can relate to these feelings… or maybe you’re the man who struggles with understanding why their wife is leaving and/or left. This blog is intended to promote insight and awareness. Everyone’s story and situation is different, and everyone has the right the make their own decisions; but if you’re in a situation that is similar and you’d like to prevent divorce or have a safe space to discuss divorce, counseling can be incredibly helpful. Learning the tools to better understand yourself, as well as how to speak more clearly with your partner, can be exactly what your relationship needs in order to grow.

Counseling can be a preventative tool as well, so it’s never a “bad” time to seek someone out to assist with building more understanding and clarity within your partnership.

Thank you for reading. Please share any and all comments! 

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5 Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship

Maybe you know the ways your childhood impacts your relationship(s). Maybe you’ve never thought about it. As an Attachment Based Therapist, I see the impacts of bonds and relationships. From my perspective, strong bonds are what keep us grounded, feeling confident and secure in ourselves and our world around us. I believe, we all need and desire to feel safe and secure; this is what motivates a lot of us. Unfortunately, we get stuck in our (not so helpful) coping strategies that ultimately deny us of this and we often don’t even realize we do this. Especially in our adult relationships.

Do you ever wonder why you do the things that you do? Do you ever look at yourself objectively and ask yourself, “What’s really going on for me?”

Well… It may be time to start.

Here are 5 ways your childhood impacts your relationship(s).

5 Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship :  #1 You Don’t Trust Easily

Trust is the foundation of any relationship. When we as adults struggle with trusting others, it may be due to deep rooted issues from past ruptures with the people we were innately supposed to trust. If our parents neglected us, abandoned us, abused us, criticized us and/or created a relationship that was conditional, we don’t realize that we innately feel a sense of insecurity as we evolve into our environment and sense of self as we grow. This doesn’t mean our parents didn’t love us– this doesn’t mean you don’t love your parents. This may mean that the tools they had weren’t always effective. Often, our parents “did the best that they could with what they had,” but that doesn’t mean the impact of those tools (or lack of) should be dismissed. It had an impact! 

If our parents or caretakers don’t give us the unconditional space to be human (i.e. having emotions, mess up, etc), then we start internalizing emotions and start adapting to our insecurities by mistrusting others around us and becoming protective of ourselves in many different ways.

What you can do: It is important to understand that trust is difficult for everyone regardless of their past. If you experienced some form of disconnect with your caretakers and/or parents growing up, it’s important to acknowledge and give yourself permission to see how it may have grown into a bigger sensitivity for you and may be something you struggle with even to this day. Acknowledging this doesn’t mean you have to blame your parents for everything; this doesn’t mean you don’t love them; this doesn’t mean you are betraying them. This means you are acknowledging yourself and your needs as a child– which is extremely validating and OK to do.

5 Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship : #2 You Need a lot of Reassurance

If we forge an insecure bond with our parents or caretakers in infancy and childhood, (whether it’s because they were helicopter parents and never allowed us to have any sense of autonomy, or because they were never around or abused us), we innately develop a sense of insecurity and doubt in ourselves.

Maybe we weren’t given the reassurance as children that was necessary for us to feel a sense of confidence in ourselves to explore and make mistakes; maybe we weren’t ever acknowledged to begin with. Maybe, we were acknowledged too much and everything we did was critiqued or validated in positive way.

If everything we did in our parent’s eyes was unseen, seen under a microscope, or seen through rose-colored glasses, we weren’t given the space to feel confident in our own achievements, flaws and mistakes.

How does this impact your relationship? Well, to start, you may find yourself really defensive and it may be because you’re feeling insecure. Instead of giving your partner an opportunity to reassure you, you push them away with your defensiveness because you’re struggling and don’t know how to soothe or feel comforted.

What you can do: Recognize where your need for reassurance comes from. Did you receive too much reassurance as a child; did you never receive kudos?  Why might this be a trigger for you? Then practice how to reassure yourself internally. Try to work on being aware of your self talk when you find yourself feeling insecure. Can you try to work on reassuring and validating yourself in the way that you always needed it? This can be helpful to start practicing and identifying for yourself, (it’s also extremely empowering when you start putting it into practice!) It is also helpful to be able to articulate a need to your partner, “I’m feeling scared about this job interview, can you tell me I’m going to do a great job?”

5 Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship : #3 You Struggle with Intimacy

From my perspective, “vulnerability” is when you expose a piece of yourself that you don’t tend to expose to everyone. Vulnerability is when you take a risk and are 100% authentic. “Intimacy” is when vulnerability is reciprocated with another person. This can be sexual, mental, and emotional. Levels of intimacy and vulnerability are built on the foundation of trust.

If you find yourself struggling with any form of intimacy, it could be because you had a difficult time growing up feeling safe opening up and being yourself. Maybe you felt misunderstood a lot; maybe you felt dismissed a lot. Maybe, you struggled with feeling disappointment by your parents and nothing you could do was ever good enough. These messages play a huge role in our adult self talk and innate reactions to emotion. This affects our intimacy because we aren’t allowing ourselves to feel comfortable or confident in our authentic selves. We aren’t being present with our partners, because we are stuck in our coping mechanism of protecting our authenticity. We aren’t trusting that our partner has got our back and will be there for us even if we aren’t perfect or even if they see us as “weak.”

What you can do: Intimacy requires trust. Trust requires consistency and risk taking. It’s a scary little dance, but it’s all worth it in the end if you allow safe people in. Your partner may be craving to connect with you, but you don’t even realize how often you deny or dismiss forms of intimacy with them because your coping mechanism takes over. Try to become more aware of your partners bids of connection and take note of what you are feeling, what you are struggling with and maybe ask yourself, “Why am I not willing to be open right now?”

5 Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship : #4 You Feel Immediate Panic When You Perceive Your Partner Is Pulling Away

It may be “irrational,” but in those moments your brain isn’t able to reassure you that you’re just being irrational and you have nothing to worry about. If you experience an immediate (and overwhelming sense) of panic when you perceive your partner is shutting down, moving away and/or leaving you, this may be due to your attachment style. If you experienced any abandonment growing up, this innate trigger can become extreme in your adult relationships. You may find yourself feeling immediately upset and needing to repair an issue immediately in order to soothe the panic and fear. This may ultimately push your partner away if they are needing space, and/or are afraid of conflict and the two of you may find yourselves in a difficult dance.

What you can do: Be aware of the panic and your triggers. If you NEED to repair conflict in order to calm and soothe, and your partner NEEDS space to process, the middle ground is giving yourselves a break to de-escalate, then return when you both are calm and unguarded. This is the only way you will get the reassurance you really desire and the only way your partner is going to feel respected and safe. Ask your partner to give you reassurance in that moment such as, “I love you, I am not leaving you, but I need a break to calm down and process this.” It is then your job to hear that, repeat that in your own head, and calm yourself down individually before going back to each other to repair the issue.

5 Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship :  #5 Your Biggest Coping Strategy is to Shut Down

If you find yourself shutting down a lot and needing time to process or “get away” from your partner, it may be because you are struggling with conflict. Maybe you have a sensitivity to conflict because you grew up with a lot of it. Maybe you have a sensitivity to conflict because you grew up without any of it. Either way, you were not taught how to effectively argue and repair conflict. We may become subconsciously triggered by any perceived attack, threat, form of rejection and/or criticism that we shut down to protect ourselves. Shutting down isn’t always a “bad” thing, but it can be misunderstood by your partner if they are assuming you are shutting down because you “don’t care about them.”

What you can do: It is important to learn how to have healthy conflict and respect each other’s triggers and sensitivities. It’s important to understand and communicate with your partner “why you shut down,” especially if it correlates with childhood. The more your partner understands you, the less they make their own assumptions about your behavior. In these moments, you can calmly reassure your partner that you aren’t “leaving them” but you need space to process and work through everything without feeling “triggered.” The more the two of you can work together at giving each other what you need to feel safe, the better chances you have to repairing effectively.

If you don’t understand where your triggers come from to begin with, it’s difficult to make necessary changes to help support yourself and your relationship. Self exploration and reflection is required when having healthy relationships! If you and/or your partner would like support with this, feel free to contact me. As an Attachment & EFT Therapist, I specifically work with individuals and couples at any stage of their relationship wanting to better their connection and deepen their self awareness.

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Why Does She Keep Bringing Up the Past? 5 Reasons She Holds “Grudges”

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling

*It is important to note that although I am using specific gender identifications, I am not intentionally meaning to exclude or generalize behaviors unfairly based on someone’s preferred gender identification. This article is an example of themes I have heard in my experience as a couples therapist from heterosexual, cisgender couples. However, this content has and can be a theme in any relationship, regardless of gender and identification. 

“Help! Why does she keep bringing up the past?” Sound familiar? One reoccurring theme I hear from many of my couples is the issue with repairing past conflict. Generally speaking, there have been similarities from what I have heard many men experience and say vs their female counterparts.

Some examples are:

“Why does she keep bringing up the past? It never stops.”

“She never lets things go.”

“She’s so negative.”

“She never sees my attempts at making things better.”

“I am always wrong.”

“She is always nagging at me for something.”

“I don’t get how one little thing can erupt a huge argument about something totally unrelated that happened months ago.”

So, I am sure you want an objective understanding to help you better understand, right? Here are some common reasons why she may keep bringing up the past and holding grudges.

Reason 1 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? |  You aren’t validating her in the way she needs it.

The biggest reason anyone holds onto the past is because they don’t feel heard and/or fully understood by the person they perceived hurt them. (To be clear, validating and helping your partner feel understood in the way they need isn’t your “job.” Forgiveness is a choice for each and every one of us to make to unconditionally, which means letting go regardless of being validated in the way we need; BUT if you are in a partnership, you can both benefit greatly by learning how to validate one another more effectively to help promote forgiveness and healing. Ideally, you should want to do this.)

By validating more effectively, you can try by naming her emotion, not putting yourself into the situation for a moment and just hearing her experience. Ask yourself, What is she saying? And just reflect it back. It is that easy!

For example, you say: “I can understand that I really upset you when I did X.”
NOTHING ELSE is required in that exact moment! Once she feels validated and like you understand why she upset, she can come back to the logical and her defensive and/or emotional state becomes more regulated and soothed. When she is no longer stuck in the emotion, you can then explain the misunderstanding from more of the logical (ie. your experience). “That wasn’t my intention at all and I can see how we misunderstood each other. I meant to do _________. I never intended to hurt you and I am sorry it felt that way.”

The power of validation is tremendous! Now… it is her to turn to work on truly letting it go.

Reason 2 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? |  You keep trying to “fix” the problem.

If your partner keeps bringing up reoccurring issues, it may be because you are trying too hard to fix it, rather than just acknowledge it. Women tend to emotionally process while they externally express; men tend to internally process, then choose to emotionally / externally express. TOTALLY OPPOSITE. Not that one is right or wrong, but we typically go about working through issues completely different.

No wonder you perceive her as incredibly negative! 

She’s not “negative,” she is just working through her emotion in the innate way she knows how; to feel it, then to think about. You may perceive her as negative because you don’t typically feel experiences first in order to process it. Her “negativity” is actually just unprocessed emotions and all you need to do is try your hardest not to take it personally and allow her the space to have emotional reactions while she works through it.

(For the record, she needs to do her best at not projecting them onto you! Just because she is more emotionally expressive does not give her the right to be aggressive toward you without taking accountability or considering how her emotional reaction impacts you).

Here’s an example: Let’s say she comes home and her energy is off. She storms in, throws her purse down and yells, “I hate my job! It’s awful! No one is nice to me in the office and I F** hate it! I’m just so done!” You may innately feel triggered, want to crawl into your shell and turn the TV up. You may think to yourself, “Ugh, here we go again! I wish she was just happy.” You may traditionally react by saying, “You need to look at the positive sides. Look how great your commute is, how much money you make, how early you get off! Who cares what your co-workers think about you.”

Unfortunately you trying to “fix her issue” is actually you trying to “fix her mood,” because her mood makes you feel uncomfortable. She internalizes that as feeling dismissed. She may potentially get more angry and then you both get into an argument. You then feed your narrative, “See, she’s always so negative! Nothing will make her happy,” and she feeds her narrative, “See, he never listens and he doesn’t care about me or how I feel.”

Instead, try giving her space emotionally first. Let her vent and then offer a reflection of validation. “I totally see how frustrated you are with work. It must be hard not to feel liked by your co-workers.”

Reason 3 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? | She doesn’t feel the past was fully repaired.

The bulk of repairing conflict (in a healthy way) is mostly about validating each other’s perspectives without trying to win the argument. If your intention is to be right, then you have lost the ability to repair anything with your partner effectively. Your intention should be to deepen your understanding of each other. This helps you continue to respect each other and feel secure with one another in your relationship. If your partner feels hurt by you, try to understand why instead of getting defensive. It’s natural to then tell them they are “wrong” because you don’t agree or your intention was perceived differently. This then becomes about being “right,” verses validating each other and understanding the misunderstanding. You can clear up any and all misunderstandings by validating each other, and work on creating consistency and awareness for future issues together. 

She needs to learn to validate you objectively, too.  

Reason 4 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? |  You take her moods personally.

Going back to the emotional processing piece, women tend to be more emotionally expressive by nature (or nurture). You may be making the assumption that every time she is emotional or having a reaction that it is PERSONALLY targeted toward you. I know her reactions may seem scary and you don’t want to make an even bigger issue by saying the “wrong” thing, but try to reassure yourself in those moments that “she may not even be upset with me.” Ask her for clarity without being defensive, example: “Are you upset with me?” verses “What the hell did I do to you?” or “What’s your problem?”

At times, she will express that she is struggling with things external to you and your relationship. At this moment, you know it’s not personal, which helps you better support her instead of getting into a huge argument. Ask her, “What do you need in this moment?” or “How can I help?”  Possibly, by just giving her permission to be a little emotional without getting defensive, may help her de-escalate and calm down.

Reason 5 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? | She’s feels insecure and needs something from you.

Most likely, when a partner keeps bringing up past issues defensively, they are feeling extremely insecure in the relationship and they aren’t getting something significant that they are needing. Maybe your partner doesn’t know what is missing, but something may be causing her to feel insecure about your relationship and/or how she assumes you perceive her. She still may be hurt about an issue that happened 6 months ago, but struggles with bringing it up and fears she will not be heard. Unfortunately, she invalidates herself, most likely telling herself that “she’s being ridiculous and needs to get over it,” until she no longer can hold it in. She also fears being a nag and tries her best to let it go on her own. (You’ve probably told her to “let it go,” once before and she fears bringing it up again. She’s probably beating herself up because she doesn’t understand why she just can’t.) 

Unfortunately, ignoring emotion rarely makes them go away and she may find herself exploding at one little frustration that arises. This is most likely why you perceive her as unpredictable and why you feel you are walking on egg shells. As her partner, this is incredibly unfair to you because it doesn’t help you understand what she needs. You are just trying to defend yourself and fix whatever you “did” to upset her.  This is why the two of you need to work together. She needs to do her part and work on understanding her emotions as they come up for her, but she also needs to take the risk of expressing what she needs in the moment instead of waiting until she snaps out of nowhere. This is also why you work on the above tips to help you understand her behavior and needs more, so you aren’t feeling incredibly beat down.

Couples therapy can be tremendously helpful when reoccurring issues are on a cyclical path. A trained couples therapist can help you learn to better communicate about the “issue,” that triggers resentment or fear; as well as work on ultimate forgiveness, which will propel the two of you forward. Contact us today for a free consultation!

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