Why Doesn’t She Want to Have Sex? | The Common Couple Dilemma

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box

*It is important to note that although I am using specific gender pronouns, I am not intentionally meaning to exclude or generalize behaviors unfairly based on someone’s preferred gender identification. This article is an example of themes I have heard in my experience as a couples therapist from heterosexual, cisgender couples. However, this content has and can be a theme in any relationship, regardless of gender and identification. 

“Why doesn’t she want to have sex?” is a common question we often hear in couples therapy. Sometimes, this may be the question that brings a couple or an individual into therapy to begin with. Of course there is never a one-size-fits-all answer to any one question, but I can share with you what I have learned in the years of being a couples therapist that may be helpful to you if you find yourself on this blog.

Many times, women are identified with having a low to non-existent “sex drive.” We often use this term to describe the lack of desire to engage in sex or forms of eroticism. It is easy to make the assumption that women who have a “low sex drive” are struggling in some area and it just needs to be “fixed.” Many clients will ask, “Is it because of my hormones? A lack of attraction to my partner? Is it just my age? What do I need to do or take to get us back to having sex like we used to? I don’t understand why I don’t want sex, really ever.“

Well to start, we have to use caution with the term “sex drive” to describe the desire to have sex, and start recognizing that our sexual desires are a lot more complex than just the spontaneous biological urge to orgasm. When we use the term “sex drive,” we are implying that we HAVE to have sex and that if we don’t ever have that urge, then something must be wrong with us. We biologically have the drive to drink water, to eat food, to be warm… to simply survive. The catch here, no one has died from not having sex, which is why we should be cautious using the term “sex drive” to describe the desire to want sex. We all have an impulsive drive to drink water, to eat or to sleep, which are essential to our existence. We don’t have the same biological impulse to have sex because our bodies don’t need it to survive. To read more on this theory and how to look differently at this topic, check out the book Come As You Are.

With that said, there are still many people  asking the question, “Whats wrong with me?” when they don’t desire sex with their partner. Many people assume that this is a biological or a hormonal issue. Many people just settle with the belief that it must be “age,” and assume their sex “drive” is long gone.

Most likely, there is nothing “wrong” with their body. Yes, it would be a good idea to be up to date with health exams, but often times the reason why she doesn’t want to have sex has nothing to do with bodily functions and hormones. It has to do with how she is relating to sex, her sexual self and her partner. It often has everything to do with what she is thinking and feeling in the day to day. The specific context of the day can either spiral her down a stressful hole of exhaustion, or actually be a fun loving opportunity for excitement and sex play.

Now the key, is mindset. The biggest sex organ in the body is the brain. Without a conscious decision to be open to letting go of control and allowing for an organic experience to occur, most often the desire to have sex will be out the window. Many women are bombarded by the self induced endless list of to-do’s in their heads. Unfortunately, this often includes the perceived stressful obligation to have sex, which makes the desire even more of a negative. Women are often too “busy” internally that they rarely unburden themselves with the free time to ask what they want to do. Women can get stuck in their own heads and put a lot of pressure on themselves to do more, which ultimately limits the space in their brain for the decision to want sex.

What is also interesting, most often women need to become aroused before they can make the full decision to desire sex.

That’s right… Women often need to make the decision to want sex, verses wait for their bodies to alert them that they are ready to go.

Women’s sexual responses can be understood by thinking of a cycle. First, it starts with willingness. When the context feels safe, (which is different for every women), she can make the decision to be open to an organic sexual experience. Secondly, once she is mentally open, she will be more allowing of her body to become aroused. Once her body is aroused, she can make the conscious (and excited) decision to want sex. The cycle may have to be repeated if she gets stuck in her head during any part of the sexual experience and isn’t present.

Generally speaking, men’s sexual responses are linear and start with desire, lead to arousal, then ultimately end in orgasm, before it plateaus. You can understand then, how women can perceive that they have an “issue” when they never “desire” sex (like men). The reality is, men and women’s sexual responses are very different and when understood, you are less likely to personalize the symptoms and support each other differently.

As a woman, it is important to understand the appropriate context for which she feels the most willing to have sex. Is it ample quality time with her partner? Is it less house work or less overall stress? Is it alone time to recharge? Is it all of these above? Is it getting complimented or caressed a certain way? When she is able to identify it, she can communicate more about what gives you both the green light to initiate sexual experiences.

When sex becomes a challenge for her, it can indicate that there is a huge imbalance in her life. For example, there may be no room for her to feel unburdened of responsibilities and she may be desiring feeling more emotionally close to her partner. She may also not desire sex because she isn’t attune to her own body and sexuality. She may dismiss her own sexual needs and prioritizes everything else above that, which is frustrating for both parties. When both people can communicate more honestly, you can work together at creating an intentional space for the context to line up and support an organic sexual experience without the pressure.

Before we blame or feel rejected, we should find space to understand each other. Men and women’s sexual responses biologically are really different and the connection between the two of you may be a bit off. Talking about the elephant in the room with a trained professional may be all you need to start having more fulfilling and less pressuring sex!

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The post Why Doesn’t She Want to Have Sex? | The Common Couple Dilemma appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Written by Kate Barrington and Alysha Jenney

Takeaway: Whether you are in a long-term, live-in relationship or a long-distance one, it isn’t uncommon to wonder about how to keep the relationship alive. No matter how much you love your partner, the passion and excitement tend to dwindle as the novelty of your relationship dissolves. If you find yourself reading this article, please know you are not alone and this is very natural. Here are some ideas from couples therapists in Denver on how to keep relationships exciting when they experience lulls.  

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One of the most satisfying aspects of being in a long-term relationship is how well you and your partner know each other. You’ve spent months, maybe even years together and you’ve endured your fair share of challenges while making memories along the way. Though there’s comfort in familiarity, sometimes what you really want is to switch things up – to try something new. We all could use a little change in our day-to-day WFH grind.

How do you keep a relationship interesting?

A relationship is only as interesting as you are. When you are feeling bored in the relationship, make it a point to acknowledge your limitations and maybe go outside of your comfort zone. What is something you’ve always wanted to learn how to do? What is something you feel interests you? What is something that turns you on, but you’ve been nervous to explore?  Go with it!

Learning something new may be all you need to spark alive in your relationship because it gives you something to talk about, something to look forward to and helps your overall mental and emotional wellbeing. 

Here are some other ideas on how to keep the spark alive in your long-term relationship.

Indulge yourselves with enjoyable past events and memories

Look at photos, read journal entries, and have conversations about how you first met. Reminiscing can help the two of you tap into enjoyable emotions that you’ve gotten too busy or too comfortable to tap into.

Reminiscing also helps us get back into the mental and emotional state of being present and open, like we once were in the beginning.  Pick up some nice frames at the craft store or assemble your top picks in a scrapbook or photo book. If you want to go digital, go through old photos on your phones and stream them to the TV screen. 

Have sacred rituals

Have sacred rituals that the two of you commit to; whether that be you go to an exotic vacation once a year together, or you have sex in the shower at every place you stay in! 

Introduce a new hobby

Try out a board game or an outdoor activity to start exploring together. At your next date night, try something new that is out of both of your comfort zones. For example, you could go listen to live Jazz at a swanky club, play tennis or rock climb.  Schedule a date that is specifically meant for role play. Pretend that you both are on a first date! 

Appreciate the adventures, but also appreciate the moments of calmness

Being bored in your relationship is an opportunity to grow, but it is also a time to reflect in gratitude for the memories and level of comfort you both feel. During down times, try telling each other verbally how much you appreciate each other for the little things. Cuddle often and try to not take each other for granted everyday, by reflecting on the gratitude to have for one another before bed. 

Talk about lulls

This may seem counterproductive, but communicating about a lull in the relationship may be what both of you need to hold each other accountable for trying one of these above tips. Try simply saying, “Hey, I miss you. Can we prioritize intentional time to connect?” 

Tackle your partner’s to-do list

A surprise doesn’t always have to be a physical gift – you could show your partner you care by performing an act of service. Tackle a few items on your partner’s to-do list so they have a little extra free time to relax or to spend with you.

Try the 4-course meal challenge from TikTok

Everyone loves food, especially when it’s a surprise. Give the 4-course meal challenge a try by taking turns picking out drinks, appetizers, entrees, and dessert. Use the meal as a chance to spend some quality time catching up with your partner.

Write them a love letter

In today’s world, communication is often done through text or email, so show your partner you care by surprising them with a hand-written love letter. If you want to get really creative, you could write several shorter notes and hide them around the house for your partner to find.

Book a hotel room for the two of you

If it’s been a while since you and your partner had any alone time together, why not book a hotel room for a night or the whole weekend. Order room service then kick back and watch movies or soak in the jacuzzi together for a little quality one-on-one time. It’ll be nice getting out of your homes and into a new environment!

Buy something sexy for yourself or your partner

Feeling sexy is crucial in allowing yourself to be open to erotic experiences. Why not pick out a sexy piece of lingerie or a introduce a top rated couples sex toy as a surprise for your partner? Psssst… If erectile dysfunction is ever a barrier, you can plan ahead and get a prescription for ED medication online. 

Feeling stuck? Go outside of your comfort zones and discuss sex in meaningful ways with our Intimacy Guide.

Buy a Modern Love Box subscription

As a relationship expert, I co-created The Modern Love Box with my husband because many of us long-term couples struggle at times with reviving the spark. Lulls in relationships are common and normal, but oftentimes, couples don’t have the tools on how to effectively work through them.

If you’ve having trouble coming up with ideas or ways to revive the passion with your partner, The Modern Love Box is a great choice. Choose from curated Date Boxes filled with products and prompts to help you and your partner step up all levels of intimacy, our digital monthly communication activity meant to help the two of you deepen your communication and have more interesting topics to discuss at any date night, and/or our adult intimacy products that help you both explore sexually.

Most of the work is done for you and each of the offerings give you the opportunity to get closer and more connected when you are struggling with knowing how. 

Check out our date box!

So how do you keep a relationship alive after two years?

Two years is generally when a couple starts to feel the loss of their honeymoon stage. Although they are more comfortable with each other, have more security and may even be making bigger decisions together, they may also be struggling with experiencing the passion they once felt.

You can keep your relationship alive after two years by making it a point to continue to date each other. Continue to create new memories, recreate sacred ones, and give each other the quality attention you both used to effortlessly give one another. Celebrate anniversaries, enjoy quality time with intention, and be conscious of not letting the day-to-day stress rob you of the precious time you both get together. Any moment can become stale, but how do you intentionally make time to be flirty, playful and sexy?

You know your partner better than anyone, so take your time to think through this list and choose a surprise your partner will appreciate and enjoy. You never know – it might just set off a fun new tradition of surprising each other to keep the spark in your relationship alive!

Keep the spark alive with the Modern Love Box

We understand that keeping the spark alive in a relationship can be a challenging process. That’s why we recommend trying our date night subscription box the Modern Love Box if you and your partner are feeling stuck.

If you are interested in learning more about our counseling services in Denver, CO, feel free to contact me. I’m here to help! Thanks for reading.

The post How to Keep a Relationship Alive appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Date Night Box : Why it’s Important to Prioritize Your Relationship… Especially Now

Most likely, you’ve been rocked pretty hard the last few months. Having little to no energy, resources, or outlets, you may find yourselves feeling burdened by the idea of preparing for anything, let alone a creative a date night in. You may know it’s important to keep the spark alive, but since you’ve been barricading in lockdown, you may feel like your spark is completely suffocated. It can be challenging to find the energy to “do something different” when most of us are not willing or able to go outside of our homes very often. If you have children, then you also know the struggle of having to balance more responsibilities than you are mentally or physically capable of. This year has been tough and it continues to be.

One thing we can take away from this year is to truly value our loved ones. Many of us haven’t seen our families for months, or have limited time with beloved friends. If we are living with a partner, we may find ourselves arguing more often because we lack the boundaries we once had access to. It can be tough trying to find romantic time when we feel stuck in our heads, our responsibilities, the same surroundings day in and day out.

Well, a date night box isn’t going to be a magic cure that changes your life in an instant. However, it can take the pressure off you both and offer the excitement that you’re relationship has been craving for weeks. My husband and I started a subscription box company for couples in 2016, but shortly after we got pregnant and had to alter our business plans. Then, as all of us, our lives continued to change in 2020. With all the adaptions to our new routines, we were inspired to get our couples date night box business back and running. It seemed necessary to help couples who were also stuck at home, struggling to find the energy and space to connect.

My husband and I can personally relate to how challenging it can be to invest and prioritize quality intentional time. We used to be really good at it, until we had a baby and then 2020 shattered our plans of childcare and work-life balance. We have been together for twelve years and raising a toddler that we both juggle between our work and home responsibilities, we are lucky if we even check in with how the other one is doing! It’s often so easy to prioritize everything else but ourselves or our relationship during a time that has caused so much uncertainty, stress and anxiety for all of us.

We get it, we have been living through it, too!

Quarantine has been tough on our mental, emotional and physical well-being.

No matter how loving your relationship, it’s probably been challenged this past year in some way and prioritizing your connection may be part of the challenge. When couples need support with keeping their spark alive, it’s easy to feel defeated and just stick to what is comfortable. This may look like the two of you rarely having intentional moments to really talk or spend quality time together. Many couples pull apart during these (normal) but uncomfortable times in their partnership and some seek counseling to help them get back on track.

Before you get stuck in the mundane routine and start losing your connection altogether, it could be time to start exploring a date night box (possibly in addition to couples therapy if that feels helpful). Date night boxes can be really fun, engaging and help you both disconnect from your day-to-day responsibilities.

The Modern Love Box

Our date night box company is called The Modern Love Box. We offer a digital subscription filled with communication activities to provoke meaningful and intentional communication. Our communication activities get sent to you once a month and can be a perfect addition to any date night in, walk, or pillow talk. This is a great activity for any couple, at any stage of your relationship looking to bump up quality emotional intimacy. Because I am a therapist, I understand the importance of communication. Many couple just don’t know how to invoke deeper communication and so they default to not talking at all. Our inbox subscription invoked questions for you, so you don’t have to feel pressure to come up with dialogue all by yourself. Topics range from sex, finances, world issues, passions, your love languages/needs, desires, feelings, etc.

If you are looking for more of a physical date night box, we also offer best selling boxes that include a curated experience/theme, a communication activity and products to tie it all together. Our box themes all incorporate emotional, physical and sexual intimacy. The benefits are endless!

There are so many different types of date night boxes out there. If you’re looking for playful fun, mystery games or in our business’ case, overall intimacy enhancement, there is something for you and your partner to explore. Brides.com included our business as one of the best digital subscriptions for couples in their recent article, The Best Date Night Subscription Boxes.

So although a date night box will not revolutionize your life in an instant, it may actually be a tool that propels you and your partner to a deeper understanding and closeness. Our boxes may inspire you both to enjoy physical intimacy more and to slow down. Date boxes inspire you both to be present and engaged. What more could we want during this time?

It’s become my biggest passion to help others and enhance relationships. I know they aren’t always easy and I also know they require intentional commitment. 2020 has been a devastating year and although 2021 is inspiring some hope, we have to take care of ourselves and each other. Remember what is truly important. Most likely they are sitting right next to you.

Want to give The Modern Love inBox a try? Sign up for your first month free! If you’re interested in one of our boxes, enjoy free US shipping with promo code MLC2021.

The post Date Night Box | Prioritize Your Relationship From Home appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : 5 Things to Consider

So you’re having a baby! Or thinking about it… With all that spare time during 2020 transitions, it makes sense that there is a huge baby boom on the rise. It’s exciting and scary… and all of the things, right?! So how do you prepare? Having my first baby was one of the most unpredictable experiences I have ever gone through in my life. Even being a Relationship Therapist, I was not prepared for what I encountered as a new mother, or the challenges I would face in my own marriage after we became parents. A lot changed for me/us; and in fact, even two years after our daughter was born, a lot continues to change.

I decided to write about how to prepare your relationship for new baby, because I truly believe many parents do not discuss how challenging being a new parent can be openly. Not that I want to project my experiences, or jinx your’s, but I wanted to reach out to those new parents that could relate or new parents trying to become aware of the potential shifts in their new phase(s) of life… especially during the inconvenience and uncertainties of Covid. As a brand new mom, I remember feeling isolated, confused and really resentful for (what felt like) a really long time. I wasn’t immediately joyous, elated and put-together as every Instagram story glorifies. (I gave up Instagram after I became a mom by the way; it did nothing but make me feel inadequate, lonely and angry at our society). My isolation only intensified when I realized I couldn’t share these feelings with anyone without the fear of being judged as a “terrible mom.” Nothing could have prepared me for the conflicting feelings I experienced and unfortunately, no one had ever shared their challenges as a new parent with me so I felt completely lost.

I was confused by my feelings and resentful toward my partner, as I perceived his life had barely changed while mine flipped upside down. I was terrified when our daughter unexpectedly came a month early; only weighing 4lbs and although she was thankfully healthy (just tiny), she cried constantly when we brought her home for the first 4 months of her life. We had to feed her donor milk through a tube for weeks, while I desperately pumped every 90 minutes (in between trying to breast feed every 60 minutes) to activate my milk supply. She didn’t sleep more than 4 hour blocks for almost the entire first year of her life. To say the least, I.. was… spent. Exhaustion was an understatement and I oscillated between guilt of not wanting to be in this role to pure comfort when I finally felt a grip of calm presence with her effectively nursing or cuddling. She was truly a gift, but I had NO idea what I was in for.

As new parents, our relationship dwindled at times and we really struggled with the adjustment to parenthood even after being together for over a decade. There were times we said it was almost too much, (I can finally understand why people divorce after children, because there did come points where we considered it). Although that wasn’t want I really wanted, I think I was desperate for a “break,” and the only logical “break” I saw myself able to control was the one in my marriage. Thankfully, this didn’t have to be our default solution (and really it wouldn’t have solved much anyway), and we managed to work through a lot as we juggled raising our daughter together. Now we just have to continue to practice these tools while we juggle raising our toddler during COVID with no childcare! This… is… LIFE, right?

Again, my story is not to stress or scare anyone; it’s also not meant to say that your experience will be this challenging. I’m sure there are many new parents out there that are a lot more mentally and emotionally prepared to adjust to the changes than we were, (which would have made our situation significantly easier!) We chose to wait to have a baby until we were in our early to mid 30s and had already been together for 10 years. Life as we knew it was fun and filled with selfish freedom. We never wanted children, but considered it one time and then quickly got pregnant. We didn’t have a lot of understanding of how it was going to change our lives until it did.

So, if you have any fears, or you are going through a big adjustment personally and in your relationship after having a baby; please do not feel alone! You are normal… Parenthood is just as beautiful and rewarding, as it is devastating and draining.

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : #1 Bask in the Glory of Being a Duo

While you’re preparing for baby, enjoy being the two of you… Like really. It will never just be the two of you ever again. I know this tip is so cliche; so many people told us while I was pregnant to “enjoy date nights” or go on a “babymoon,” but literally nothing could have prepared us to fully realize the extent of what that meant to our duo partnership. Instead of stressing about traveling for a babymoon (especially during COVID), I’d suggest being more intentional about deepening your intimacy even if you are at home in quarantine. Explore your sexy time, deepen your conversations, create something sacred that you do together every week or month and carry that ritual with you when baby arrives. Cuddle a lot, relax and be lazy; SLEEP. Really try your bests to not take these moments together for granted, because these freedoms will become nonexistent for a period of time.

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : #2 Discuss Parental Roles and Responsibilities

If you haven’t already, have a real conversation about what you both would like your roles and responsibilities to look like when baby comes. Are you taking time off work? If so, how long? Will you need help? If so, for how long? Who will be helping? What are your options during Covid? How much are you both willing to spend on help? Is someone staying home? What are their responsibilities? Who wakes up with the baby at night? Are there any foreseeable adjustments to your finances if someone isn’t working as much or at all? If so, how does this affect your lifestyles? How much do you need to pay out of pocket to have a baby? Do you have insurance, what does that cover? What are your fears? Etc… Etc. Having these conversations are beneficial when attempting to create a practical partnership, as making assumptions about these things can definitely cause disappointment and resentment. These conversations help both of you feel on the same team and when baby comes, you may alter the plan, but at least the two of you have some understanding about what it practically looks like.

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : #3 Work on Underlying Issues Beforehand

It could be a good idea to start couples counseling while you’re planning or preparing your relationship for new baby. The reason being, often having a baby only glorifies the issues that have always been a struggle in your relationship. Tack on sleep deprivation and hormones; working on painful reoccurring issues in your relationship are going to be the last thing you want to give your precious energy to. Counseling can also be very helpful with learning how to have challenging conversations about values, conflicting ideas or parenting, and/or your intimacy and body/hormonal changes. It’s important to realize that having a baby only illuminates issues verses mends them and even if for a period of time those issues go away, they will most likely resurface while the two of you are struggling with managing any down time, (which can be frustrating).

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : #4 Work on letting go of control

Again, cliche, I know; but this is a big one. If you are a Type A, disciplined and planned out person like I was, (and especially if you are going to be carrying the baby), it is crucial for you to learn how to relinquish control, as well as refuse responsibility of all the things you can’t. This is a tough one, because maybe your entire life you have been in control of your decisions and body and it has served you well. Unfortunately, being pregnant and the actual labor process is often never as you plan. Your baby’s temperament or needs are often never as you plan. (Again, something I/we learned the hard way). We thought we could control the outcomes of everything and keep our lives totally the same; we would laugh and say to ourselves, “not our life” when people would come up to me with a huge belly and tell us jokingly, “say goodbye to your alone time you two!” We always thought that if we worked hard enough, we could make anything happen. We would say to each other “our relationship will always come first, then baby.” I laugh at that now because for us, that wasn’t possible and we still struggle with making that possible sometimes. Our reality was, the needs of our baby had to come first, which made our alone time individually and our together time lack. Work on being more gentle with yourself and possibly explore some individual counseling to help you better prepare for accepting the unknowns that will inevitably pop up in your journey.

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : #5 Be prepared to grieve

This doesn’t mean life won’t be fun again, or that your body won’t heal, but the process of grieving what was can be really challenging if you aren’t prepared to lose and adjust to those changes of your life/self. After having a baby, you change. Period. This isn’t a “good” or “bad” thing, it just is. After having a baby, you have to make adaptions to things you have never had to be confronted with before. This was really painful for my experience, as I judged myself for having these feelings and suppressed them for a long time. I thought something was wrong with me for not being able to be the “badass super human” I had always identified with before; in the past, the old me was able to multitask and have a great work/life/healthy relationship balance. After becoming a mom I was lucky if I remembered to brush my teeth sometimes. I became bombarded with things I had never fathomed prior to being a mom; like the stress of how many ounces I was pumping in a day in between a full day of clients, all while struggling with the guilt of being away from my new baby. I couldn’t keep up with the demands that had once motivated me to be a perfectionist. I was failing.. at everything. Guilt consumed me constantly. I stopped cooking meals from scratch or going to yoga weekly as I once loved to do. Instead, I subconsciously put pressure on myself to be the best wife, the most attentive mom, and caring therapist. I convinced myself I could do it all. It was almost as if I was suffering from an identity crisis as I was secretively failing to accept my new body and my new life, while I literally couldn’t tap into myself again. I felt like I lost my essence completely. I had gone from being a purposeful, successful, ball juggling health nut that prioritized all elements of my relationship daily, to a sloppy, stressed, milk-producing robot that lost her spirit and had no alone time. To be 100% honest, I still struggle with this sometimes due to the demands of watching our daughter full time during Covid. BUT… here’s the catch, if we talk about it, we release the pressures and demands. If we explore our insecurities, understand where our demands of ourselves and others are coming from, than we can work on letting them go. If we become more aware of our pain, it dissipates. The more we allow ourselves to talk to our partner, our support systems, our therapist, the more we are able to restructure the expectations that don’t serve us, as well as heal from the emotional turmoil and stress that comes with being a parent.

As I mentioned, having a baby has moments of joy and beauty, as well as moments of sadness and grief. I’m brave enough to talk about this part, because I know many parents struggle with admitting this process. You will grieve parts of your old life; whether it be your freedom, energy levels, sex-drive, body, or relationship. You will go through a process in which you may want to fight hard to get all of these things back and you may struggle with this because, you can’t.

I share with you all my vulnerable story to help you all understand that this process is a journey for sure and there is no perfect outcome. Even though life causes us struggles sometimes, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent or a bad person. It doesn’t mean you are failing at life, it means you are learning from it.

Interested in getting support from us through couples therapy or individual (new mom) therapy? Contact us today! We would be honored to help!

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Unique Ways to Connect : Top 5 reasons why it’s important to find different ways to connect with your partner

Unique ways to connect: The importance of finding different ways to sustain your connection. If you are reading this, you are probably in a relationship and are struggling with finding unique ways to connect with each other. You probably struggle at times with the difficulty of sustaining a genuine spark year after year. You may be frustrated with trying to find unique date night ideas, or struggle with coming up with new content to chat about over dinner. Maybe you and your partner feel so disconnected that you are contemplating if the spark is even possible to come back.

The “spark” is complex; it involves sexual chemistry, intellectual connection, emotional sensitivity, fun and spontaneity, friendship, companionship, etc, etc. When the spark starts to fizzle, it’s normal for us to feel scared, frustrated and even discouraged. We expect a lot of our partner/relationship and sometimes we can get overwhelmed when we aren’t feeling close.

Sometimes we expect our relationship’s spark and connection to sustain in the same way it developed when we first started dating. Of course, it would be ideal to have the honeymoon stage sustain throughout our entire relationship; but the reality is, that doesn’t exist. Nothing is permanent, but change. We have to detach from the expectation that “happiness” should be easy, or that our relationships shouldn’t require work when the spark starts to fizzle. Our spark is similar to a real flame. It burns out and needs to be reignited once in a while.

So why is it important to reignite the spark and find unique ways to connect with our partner year after year? Why is it important to establish unique ways to connect, even when we feel discouraged, resentful, frustrated, rejected and/or uncomfortable?

5 Important Reasons to Find Unique Ways to Connect with Your Partner:

Why it’s Important to Find Unique Ways to Connect #1: It revives your relationship on all levels.

Why is this important? Long term relationships get bored or stagnate easily. It’s common to get stuck in the day-to-day stressors and pressures, that we often forget to nurture our relationship in the same way we used to when we were first getting to know each other. Finding unique ways to connect can help you both get inspired to flirt, let go of day-to-day pressures and give yourselves permission to prioritize your relationship. Here’s a tip: Make it a priority to commit to one day per week and/or one hour daily that there are no external interruptions. Not even television. Make it a point to cook dinner together while you chat, listen to music, sip on wine. Go for a walk in a random neighborhood and make note of the houses and scenery. This can also be as simple as eating a meal together without your phones!

Why it’s Important to Find Unique Ways to Connect #2: It helps you fall in love all over again.

Falling in love is something we often grieve when we are in a long term relationship. We often miss the butterflies, the mystery and overall experience of learning about another person and merging our lives together. “Falling in love” was such a beautiful time in your relationship! When you find unique ways to connect, you may not even realize that this can promote the same chemical reaction (oxytocin, i.e. “the love hormone”) and can also help you feel similarly to when you initially started falling in love. Why is this important? It solidifies our bond, helps us feel reconnected and rejuvenates our overall relationship. Here’s a tip: tell each other three things daily that you are grateful for that your partner did, does, is, etc. Verbally affirming to each other the things you appreciate allow your partner to feel validated and appreciated, which helps both of you get out of the rut of taking advantage of each other.

Why it is Important to Find Unique Ways to Connect #3: It gives you permission to be vulnerable with each other.

You may not even realize this, but regardless of how long you have been together, you are still working on building safety and vulnerability in your relationship. Maybe the initial vulnerable hurdle was saying you loved each other; then it maybe lead to an occasional toot in bed; then the vulnerability got really heavy when one of you experienced a loss of a job or a family member. We are constantly growing and changing; life is constantly moving. Each new day, month and year activates new challenges and new experiences. Vulnerability is the key to any successful relationship and when we exercise our vulnerable selves within the relationship, we are actually building more and more trust within each other. This is incredibly bonding and important to continue to nurture throughout your relationship. Here’s a tip: Do something once a month, once a quarter or season that scares you or is something you have never done before. This can be an activity that you do together (sky diving, improv comedy, karaoke, sex shop); this can also be a difficult conversation (about intimacy, sex, etc). Try to continue to push yourselves to strengthen vulnerability.

Why it is Important to Find Unique Ways to Connect #4: It forces you both the learn more about each other.

You may think you know everything about each other, but that assumption is because you got lazy and forgot to keep exploring. Your partner is constantly evolving and there is something about them that you probably don’t really know, understand and/or spend a lot of time being curious about. Learning more about each other helps you both continue to be curious. Curiosity is sexy and builds desire! Here’s a tip: Go to counseling even though you may not be “fighting” or “in a bad place” and have the therapist prompt questions for both of you to process and explore together. Counseling does not have to be a place only intended to “fix” your relationship; in fact, it can be a safe place for both of you to enhance your relationship and prevent future issues.

Why it is Important to Find Unique Ways to Connect #5: It reinforces the reason(s) you fell in love in the first place.

Let’s face it, we naturally take life and our relationships for granted from time to time. We lose sight of what’s really important and meaningful. We often forget the reasons why we choose our person and often fall into the trap of comparisons or doubt when our relationship isn’t going as smoothy as we hope. Here’s a tip: Reminisce about your “firsts,” go to the place you had your first vacation, date, adventure. Verbalize to each other how you felt when you both fell in “like” and in love with each other. Another idea, try check out The Modern Love Box that offers communication activities and luxury promotes to inspire and enhance connection.

Take the Love Quiz and check your relationship’s pulse!

The Modern Love Box is a subscription box created to inspire couples to find unique ways to connect with each other and enhance all levels of their relationship. Use promo code MLC35 for 35% off!

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Eroticism and Intimacy : How to Merge the Two in a Longterm Relationship

Many couples struggle with blending eroticism and intimacy in their committed relationship. Many couples report the sexual honeymoon stage of their relationship fizzling after a few months of dating and after years of cultivating a more emotional and intimate relationship, they struggle with feeling sexual desire and excitement.

Before we dive into the causes of this, I would like to elaborate on my definitions of “eroticism and intimacy” in this article so you understand what I am referring. When I say “eroticism” I am referring to the desire to be sexual and the excitement of pleasure. This can include fetishes, fantasies or kinks. It can also include playfulness and allowing yourself to be open minded during sex, rather than stuck in your head. Eroticism requires you to know what you like sexually or at least be open to exploring; it requires sexual expression and confidence. Eroticism does not always coincide with emotions or love, but it can.

Actually, we often see eroticism as an opposite of love, which is part of the problem. 

Now, when I refer to “intimacy” in this article, I am referring to emotional closeness. Everyone experiences intimacy differently. Maybe you find yourselves feeling really emotionally close to each other when you talk deeply about fears, dreams and insecurities. Maybe you feel really emotionally close when you have had to rely on your partner and they supported you; or maybe you feel emotionally close to them when they touch you non-sexually and give you a loving compliment. Intimacy does not mean sex, although it can be a experienced during sex.

It’s common for my clients to describe eroticism as “porn sex.” Almost like an outlet for people who are just sexual to experiment with each other only for the purpose of arousal and orgasm. Many of my clients struggle with bringing that concept and level of desire and excitement into the bedroom with their long term partner, because they are afraid of “disrespecting them,” or afraid of expressing themselves in a way that may lead to judgement.

Sometimes, my clients report only experiencing “porn-like sex” with each other and crave a more emotional, intimate connection during sex and after sex.

Again, eroticism and intimacy can be a challenging gap to bridge.

So why does this happen?

How is it that you can feel so emotionally close to your partner, but not sexually erotic or sexually open with them? Or how is it that you can feel so sexually connected with your partner, but struggle with feeling emotionally secure? How is it that one of these does not automatically translate to the other?

In my professional opinion, experiencing difficulty blending eroticism and intimacy is a very common dilemma that can be caused by a few different factors:

1: You’ve stopped nurturing the creative, sexual component of your relationship because you prioritize other things, (such as work, home life, children, etc).

2: You have convinced yourselves that the “honeymoon stage” of your relationship is long gone and it will never come back or have the same level of intensity. You’re comfortable being good companions and the hot sex was just a phase.

3. You are subconsciously or consciously afraid of being sexually and/or emotionally vulnerable.

4. You don’t know how to be sexually vulnerable or erotic; you have no idea what your sexual desires or fantasies are and the thought may intimidate you.

5. You have sex mostly to satisfy your partner and to feel loved by them, but you don’t experience orgasm or much physical pleasure during it.

6. You don’t know how to initiate intimate  conversations around sex with your partner.

7. You lack self confidence.

8. You’re overwhelmed and/or stressed in your personal life.

9. You and your partner are not connecting in an emotionally intimate way, and/or you are too connected emotionally that you don’t leave much room to expand on the physical intimacy.

10. You struggle with letting your partner completely in emotionally.

11. You struggle with trust, letting go of control and/or being vulnerable.

12. You’ve never experienced eroticism and emotional closeness with a partner and have no idea what that would look like.

Of course these aren’t the only causes that affect your relationship, but here is a good starting point. If you find yourself relating to any of these, then you may ask yourself immediately, “Now, what  can I do to change it?”

Well to start, please take a deep breath and kindly reassure yourself that nothing is wrong with you! Blending sexual eroticism and emotional intimacy can be challenging for most of us, simply because sex and emotions are complex. It’s difficult to expose all of our vulnerable pieces to one person. It can be scary!

Start by asking yourselves the following questions:

1. What does sex represent to me?
2. What does emotional intimacy represent to me?
3. What messages did I learn about sex and gender related sexual roles at the different stages of my life? (Childhood, teenage years, college life, “love” partners, etc). Where did these messages come from? (Community, religion, parents, partners, peers, internet?) How authentic are they to my own beliefs?
4. What does being “sexual” look like? Are their any negative emotions that are associated with this?
5. What does being “emotionally close” look like? Are their any negative emotions that are associated with this?
6. Where do I tend to go (mentally) during sex? Am I present, am I stuck in my insecurities and/or thoughts? Why?
7. Do I preform during sex because I assume my partner needs or wants something from me? If so, how may this be negatively impacting my ability to be authentic sexually, with myself and my partner?
8. Do I know what I like sexually? If so, do I have any negative feelings toward acting them out and/or expressing them?
9. What are my insecurities or fears around sex?
10. If the sexual honeymoon stage of my relationship has changed, can I identify why?
11. Do you feel emotionally intimate with my partner when we are having sex? Why or why not?
12. List off all sexual expectations you have of yourself and your relationship. How many of these are pressured filled and cause anxiety and/or avoidance?
13. Does sex make me uncomfortable in any way? If so, how?

Try this Intimacy Guide for more questions!

Once you start understanding yourself better, you can have more insight as to the personal setbacks you may have and what direction you can go to start exploring the emergence of eroticism and intimacy in your relationship. Ultimately, what this all comes down to regardless of your own personal insecurities, fears and/or beliefs, is vulnerability. 

I often discuss vulnerability in my articles, because it is the core of many of our behaviors, protections and defensives. It subconsciously motivates us to push people or experiences away in fear of exposing it. Vulnerability also has the potential to support us in ways that help us feel extremely safe and secure once we have exposed it and find acceptance and nurturing. Bridging intimacy and eroticism is extremely complicated, but it does in fact require vulnerability, because each part requires openness. 

Without openness we cannot be vulnerable.

Without vulnerability, we cannot explore what we like sexually in order to be erotic.

Without vulnerability, we cannot explore our emotions and connect with our partner intimately.

So what we can start doing is working on being more open and mindful around our insecurities, assumptions and expectations of ourselves and our partner.

Photo credit: Danis Graveris Sex Educator and Relationship Coach

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Top 5 Reasons Couples REALLY Come to Counseling : Modern Love Counseling

Why do couples really come to counseling? You may actually be surprised! From my experience as a relationship therapist, here are the top 5 reasons couples really come to counseling and seek out my specific services. Get ready to check your assumptions!

I have heard it all. Generally speaking, these are the top 5 reasons why the majority of my couples say they are seeking out counseling. I wanted to write about this topic because I feel as though there is still a heavy stigma and misunderstanding about counseling in general. I hope that this post can clear the air and shake up your assumptions or misconceptions about counseling services and/or couples who seek them out.

[Order is ranked from most common to least.]

Number 1 Reason Couples Really Come to Counseling: “To communicate better.”

We all want to learn how to communicate better, right? Conflict can erupt whenever we feel our partner doesn’t understand or hear us. This can be challenging to every and any twosome at some point of their relationship (regardless of how strong their relationship is). “Learning to better communicate” is actually more about learning to listen better, as well as working on being more vulnerable with how you express your needs/perceptions/feelings. “Sometimes you just need a third party to help you understand where that missing link is.” Says a current client. “It’s super helpful when Alysha can reflect what she’s hearing and seeing from both of our sides because we realize how much we aren’t hearing. She helps hold a mirror to our own behaviors and helps us better communicate what we really mean.”

Number 2 Reason Couples Really Come to Counseling: “To get closer.”

You may not realize this, but there is a large population of couples out there that actually seek out counseling services to improve their (already awesome) relationship! Couples are wanting to learn how to deepen their relationship for longterm success and fulfillment. Every day, I am humbled and relieved by the population of couples who actually choose to take this preventative and proactive stance. “Premarital counseling” helps couples who are getting married learn more about each other and prepare for stressors and issues in the future. However, a lot of my couples are seeking out “preventative counseling” are already married, have no desire to get married or who are new in their relationship altogether. “We have been coming to Alysha for 2.5 years and we rarely fight and have difficult conflict. We come to Alysha once a month to consistently strengthen our foundation so we feel more secure and connected. It’s been the best investment we have ever made.” Says a current client.

Number 3 Reason Couples Really Come to Counseling: “To prioritize their relationship.”

Let’s face it, we are SO busy as a society that we often don’t know how to slow down. We rarely have time for ourselves, let alone have the energy to prioritize our relationship sometimes. Date nights often come out of necessity, (i.e. “want to grab dinner?”) purely for the fact that we both need to eat, not because we want to connect. We struggle with coping through our own emotions and stressors from the day that once we see our partner we are ready to just unplug, not re-engage. There’s is nothing wrong with experiencing a rut or a routine that helps you unwind, I may add, but “the problem occurs when you’re so deep in the rut you can’t connect with your partner anymore.” Says Spencer Campbell of 5280 Magazine when describing his experience with The Modern Love Box.

My couples want to avoid this dilemma, or some may actually be experiencing a lack of connection because their routines and rut have consumed them. “Counseling for us is a regular time and place that we both commit to us, which forces us to get out of our regular day-to-day stresses and helps us be accountable to prioritize our relationship every other week.” Says a current client.

Number 4 Reason Couples Really Come to Counseling: “To talk through uncomfortable topics.”

Uncomfortable topics may vary from sex, money, values, to conflictual misunderstandings, to differing family dynamics. “Uncomfortable topics” are somewhat easy to avoid initially, but become more and more difficult to shy away from when your lives really start merging together. “Counseling is a safe, mediated environment that supports both of us when we have difficult things to discuss. It has a way of keeping us from escalating immediately and getting defensive as we would at home, so we actually get to hear what the other person is trying to say. Counseling has been really helpful in learning to hear my husband and understanding him without jumping to my own conclusions about how he feels or what he thinks.” Says a previous client.

Number 5 Reason Couples Really Come to Counseling: “To heal and have healthy conflict resolution.”

And yes! Couples come to counseling because something really unfortunate happened and they can’t seem to “get over it,” or there has been a reoccurring conflict that they both are feeling stuck in. Conflict is a part of a healthy relationship and we don’t always have the tools on how to effectively resolve it. “We kept having the same argument over and over again about petty things and we finally sought out counseling to help us figure out why and how to solve it. We were exhausted and feeling like we were barely holding on. We didn’t want to hate each other (even though at times we were getting pretty close). We felt counseling was our best option to helping us resolve conflict and helping us really move on from issues.” Says a current client.

Why is the post important? Well, for many reasons. The main one being that we need support in normalizing counseling, mental health, connection and commitment in our society! We need to reframe the negative misconceptions of any resources (including The Modern Love Box) that are out there that support love and healthy connections! We need to spread the word in helping others feel normal, confident and comfortable with going outside of their comfort zones and seeking support! There is nothing wrong with that!

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Introducing The Modern Love Box : A Resource for You and Your Partner

Sustaining the spark in a long term relationship can be difficult at times. The romance may fizzle, the daily grind may take over, date nights may feel stale. It’s OK. This is totally normal. Someone once said, “love is a journey, not a destination,” and with that comes the boredom, the balance, the excitement and the struggle.

It’s about time we start talking about the reality of sustaining the connection in our modern relationship! Our relationships are not Ryan Gosling movies! They aren’t always easy, romantic, hot and passionate. We have a lot of work to juggle, priorities to tend to and often needs that get dismissed. We don’t love our partner any less if we desire more connection! There is a reason why most of us miss the honeymoon stage of our relationship, because most things were intriguing, new and easy! 

“We don’t have time to connect at home.”

“My partner never plans date night.”

“We’re too busy.”

Sound familiar?

Not every couple feels they “need” counseling. Not every couple “wants” to go to counseling. Hey, to each their own! I get it. But, if counseling isn’t your thing, what other resources do you have if you would like to enhance your relationship? (Here’s a hint: there really aren’t many!) This is why The Modern Love Box was created.

I kept hearing the same complaint over and over again, regardless of what my clients were working through. It made me realize, offering the suggestion to ‘plan more date nights’ as a therapist, was really not helpful. In fact, it often created more disappointment and stress!

I found that most couples were in need of inspiration. They were craving something different, but they didn’t know how to ask for it. They often didn’t even know what that looked like! When I would encourage them to discuss what “connection” means to them, most would identify that they’re missing quality engagement.

When I take my therapist hat off, I too, can understand how important it is to have quality time and adventure in my partnership. It’s hard to prioritize sometimes and our “go, go, go” nature can really impact our connection. We are stressed as a society, we are drained with our responsibilities, the last thing we want to do is come up with a creative date night that may or may not even pan out! It’s frustrating!

Because of this, my husband and I decided to partner up and create The Modern Love Box. We knew there was a need for couples to have additional resources (other than counseling) that support the necessities of sustaining the spark and deepening all levels of their connection.

The Modern Love Box supports all couples, at any stage of their relationship looking to bump up their quality time in a convenient and accessible way. Our mission is meant to inspire your partnership, (and not because we believe something is “wrong” and you need it, but because we think all couples could use it. Us included!)

As I mentioned, traditional “date night” is really important, but as a couples therapist, I’ve come to realize that most couples aren’t utilizing date night to its optimum potential.

We can help.

If you believe long term fulfillment in your partnership requires consistent quality time, passionate intimacy and fun, and you’d like to continue to grow in your relationship, than our box may be a helpful tool. It is not “counseling in a box” nor does it claim to give you therapeutic benefits. However, it is intended to help motivate you two to create the time you need to engage, as well as provide you with tools, techniques and luxury products to inspire you both to connect in new ways.

No more excuses, no more resentments on who plans date night. All you need is willingness! Here’s what to expect:

If you are interested in learning more about me, my counseling services or The Modern Love Box in Denver, CO feel free to contact me. Thanks for reading!

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How to Improve Sex in a Relationship | Here’s How Your SEXpectations may be Limiting Your Sex Life in a Longterm Relationship

I often hear the common complaint from clients regarding their intimacy and sexual relationship with their longterm partner:

“We don’t have as much sex as we used to.”

“We have become complacent. Sex is more of a routine.”

“Our honeymoon stage is way gone.”

“I don’t really ever desire sex.”

Sound familiar?

This is normal. 

I would love to say there is a simple remedy to “fixing” this “problem,” but unfortunately this is a bit more complex than telling you to buy a vibrator or change up your sex positions… (although… that maybe wouldn’t hurt). I believe we tend to stress heavily on our sex lives in our society and when the inevitable strikes of less frequent or less passionate sex, we immediately become bombarded with negative assumptions and insecurities. Most often, we don’t turn toward our partners when this occurs, we become more and more closed off to them. So how do we improve sex in a relationship? Especially a longterm relationship when things have become less and less exciting and the newness of passion has dissolved?

I believe, as anything in our relationship (the friendship, connection, intimacy, passion, fun), we can expect one thing: there will always be change.  It is impossible to stay consistent in every part of our lives and as we feel different on a daily basis about our jobs, our appearance, our motivation… we are going to feel different about our partner and our relationship. I think the issue is the expectations we put on ourselves and our partners to always be “how it used to be,” or just magically “get better” without working at it. We demand that they know what we need, what we require, what we desire. We demand that it stays easy and worry when it becomes more difficult to sustain.

Why? 

I could go on about social media and societal pressures, because I do genuinely believe this has a huge impact on how we see ourselves and our relationships (including our sex lives), but for the moment, I will skip over this and say, it is because we have too high and unrealistic expectations of what a “good sex life” in a relationship looks like.

I have complied a list of realistic expectations of sex in a relationship and if you can test yourself to reframe the current expectations you have of your partner and sex to these, it may help with decreasing the amount of pressure and perceived negative assumptions that have become a wedge in your relationship… or simply, prevent them from occurring in the future:

• How to improve sex in a relationship #1: Expect to work at intimacy for the rest of your life. This means, it is completely false to assume that the “spark” sustains in your relationship naturally and that something is “wrong” if it starts to dissipate. (Although there are exceptions, this is not always the case!) You have to work on the emotional intimacy, trust, mutual respect, vulnerability, romance and patience in a long term relationship. When the sex starts to slow down, maybe it’s telling you those other areas of your relationship are not as strong and you need to communicate about what other needs are not being met for you and your partner in your relationship that may or may not have anything to do with sex!
• How to improve sex in a relationship #2: Expect to work at uncovering your own insecurities and preferences of exploring your own sexuality. Without understanding your own body and having self-awareness about your own struggles, it really is difficult to ask for what you need (or to even know what you need). Be excited about uncovering different sexual experiences as you age together and build more comfortability in your own bodies. Try this Intimacy Guide for prompting questions to help inspire deep understanding.
• How to improve sex in a relationship #3: Expect your partner to have a differing opinion of what “intimacy” and “good sex” even are and do your best at understanding their definition, as well as understanding your own. This means, your partner may find communicating about the day and inquiring about their day, extremely sexy and intimate. This may be a form of “foreplay” for your partner that actually helps build the desire to want to have more passionate or frequent sex. Without knowing this, you may both be passing up daily opportunities to build the trust and emotional connection in the relationship that fosters the passion in your sex lives.
• How to improve sex in a relationship #4: Expect your sex life to be cyclical. Meaning, sometimes it will feel effortless, romantic and passionate… and sometimes it will be the last thing on your mind. This is normal! A “fulfilling and healthy sex life” doesn’t have to look like a Ryan Gosling film filled with romance and six-packs… nor does it have to look like a certain number per week. A “fulfilling and healthy sex life” is what you and your partner decide feels right to both of you. My belief, a “healthy sex life” means being open, feeling safe enough to be vulnerable and most importantly, being able to communicate about your needs, fantasies, insecurities, concerns and desires.
• How to improve sex in a relationship #5: Expect your partner to not know how to read your mind. Again… which means, you have to feel safe to communicate and have to know what you are trying to communicate.
• How to improve sex in a relationship #6: Expect you and your partner to have different sex drives. (Most couples do, and it’s often impossible to find two people consistently obtaining the same sex drive for the rest of their lives). This can be worked around when you discuss and fully understand what gets your partner going. This takes time and patience… This takes being committed to your partner’s needs and being understanding of their differences respectfully.
• How to improve sex in a relationship #7: Expect to feel rejected from time to time. And know this is OK. Because not every two people are exactly alike, you may find that when you attempt to approach your partner to initiate sex, they may not be interested. A good rule of thumb, communicate with your partner about how you feel when you initiate it and when your feelings may have gotten hurt when you felt rejected; also listen to your partner communicate how they may prefer to be approached to reduce the feeling of rejection and offer a suggestion of how it may feel less hurtful for them to turn you down if they aren’t in the mood for the future. A good example may be, “I’m sorry babe, I appreciate you trying to get me going but right now I’m too exhausted to allow myself to get there. Can we reschedule this for tomorrow?” (And actually follow through). This can feel devastating to a partnership, hence why it is so important to be respectful of when you aren’t on the same page. Try to work at equally initiating sex regularly.
• How to improve sex in a relationship #8: Expect to have insecurities about sex from time to time and know that it’s OK, because you’re human. When building the trust and vulnerability with your partner becomes more comfortable, the sexual insecurities will become less intense and will help with communicating about what you need or want in the bedroom. Without feeling the trust with your partner, it is impossible to feel safe enough to explore your sexuality with them… which is sort of the whole point, right? So talk to them about it. They may have the reassurance that is crucial for you to start breaking away at your own self-image or sexuality concerns.

The biggest point to highlight here is sex is not the most important part of a relationship. To experience a fulfilling sex life in a longterm relationship, you need to be open to building on the other essential parts to feeling connected with your partner. Sex and passion are important components to a longterm relationship, but the key to working at it is building the other pillars of trust, vulnerability and communication, that help create it and hold the passionate sex life together.

If you and your partner are experiencing a decrease in sex, sexual passion and intimacy, it may be a great time to explore seeking out support with helping bridge the essential gaps to create a solid foundation for all parts of your relationship. A passionate sex life is difficult to sustain because it requires more and more intimacy and vulnerability as your relationship because more and more complex.

If you are interested in learning more about me and my counseling services in Denver, CO feel free to contact me. Thanks for reading!

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Prevent the Superficial Cycle : Why Preventative Counseling is Helping

I still think many people have the misconception that “couples counseling” is only for couples who are on the verge of separating; that “couples counseling” is really just a last resort that requires half-assed effort and little to show for.

I am beyond excited to report that through my experience as a therapist specializing in modern day relationships, couples are voluntarily coming in with more hope and openness for their process… whatever that may look like. They aren’t on the verge of breaking up, in fact, they are asking, “How do we prevent separation?” or “We are pretty happy… how do we stay happy?”

Couples aren’t wanting to come to counseling to serve as an outlet to get out of their relationship, in fact, they are coming to me to get better at being in it.

Because of these couples, I have approached this concept as “preventative counseling.” Preventing the [seemingly] inevitable doom of breaking up or divorcing only a few years after committing themselves to each other in a once, fulfilling and happy relationship.

Why is divorce or separation always an option that plagues the back of our thoughts? Well… that’s a whole other topic that would take a lot more time to dissect. For the purpose of throwing this out there now, I do believe that we live in a society that fears vulnerability and we struggle (especially as a generation) with letting our guards down and really be seen by other people. So, we mask it. This is happening while we upload our [good] photos on social media and dating sites; this is happening when we are “getting to know someone” on our first date; this is even happening when we are in a longterm committed relationship! But why? It seems so damn simple! STOP BEING AFRAID OF BEING YOU.

To avoid sounding harsh here, I will admit. I used to struggle with this too. I hated being vulnerable, especially with men. I hated asking for what I needed and to be 100% frank, I always felt alone even when I had plans every other night and friends in every direction. No one really understood me.

I was tired of living in a fog where I was only portraying 45% of my true self to everyone, (especially when 35% of it was usually intoxicated in some form or reacting uncontrollably to emotions I, myself, wasn’t prepared to face). Yes, at times I had “fun,” but looking back, I can understand why I was so isolated and I didn’t even realize it had everything to do with me.  How did I expect others to get me and really care about me, if I couldn’t even let them in? 

I think many of my clients can relate to this and most are coming in with the same isolating stories…. even in their current long term relationships. 

Because divorce and separation are always on the table, I think we tend to forget the true meaning of commitment.

We want all the bells and whistles, without having to personally work hard for them. We expect the other person to fulfill us; to understand us… we expect that we will just one day wake up and feel completely fearless of sharing everything to our partner and when that day doesn’t come as obvious as we had fantasized, we start to push our partner away even more in fear of never getting there. “There must be someone else out there that can make me happy and who can understand me…” That may be so… but will you avoid being vulnerable with them too? 

So… I get it. We are humans; we are a product of living in a very privileged, but inattentive society and we can successfully “strive” in so many ways without having to admit our faults, failures and insecurities to anyone… not even ourselves. “Fake it ‘till you make it!”….. right? Well, maybe in your career that has been a helpful mantra to live by that has shown you successful outcomes; but in your relationships? Not so much. 

I think we should start to realize that the more we fake it in our relationships; the more we mask our authentic selves to each other… will only continue to lead us feeling more isolated and misunderstood as human beings.

Preventative counseling for couples has been, in my professional and personal opinion, one of the most rewarding approaches to helping people bridge the gap (everyone at some point or situation has experienced) of isolation and misunderstanding. I help couples gain the necessary tools that allow them to build a stronger, deeper foundation that securely connects them in a much more meaningful and authentic way; thus preventing the easy “go-to” solution of breaking up and continuing the same cycle in their next relationship(s).

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