You may find yourself googling “Are my expectations too high?” or at least feel internally conflicted with the answer. If you find yourself on this page, then most likely someone or everyone has disappointed you. Maybe someone has told you directly that you’re too needy, or maybe you just find yourself feeling alone and disappointed most of the time. I know that when I have asked myself this question, it usually would lead to a dark road of self-punishment and guilt.

In our culture, we pride ourselves on “not settling,” yet we also aren’t really encouraged to ask for support either. That’s a huge conflict, isn’t it? Are we setting if we find ourselves in a relationship with someone that refuses to tend to our emotional needs, or are we just being too needy? Are we settling if we find ourselves in a relationship with someone that tries their best to tend to our emotional needs, (but just doesn’t quite hit the bar perfectly), or are we just being too picky? What determines healthy expectation verses unhealthy ones?

Our culture often sees having high expectations as a negative that usually indicates that you are too picky; that you are selfish and/or take too much from others. Sometimes, this can be valid and true. Sometimes, context is important and you have reasonable requests that are being gaslighted by a manipulative person. Regardless, if you notice that you are often feeling misunderstood, alone and don’t have a lot of support, then it may be a good time to explore more about your needs from others and the health of your current relationships.

Most often, “having too high of expectations” comes from a subconscious space filled with unprocessed pain from the past that is being projected onto others. An example can be subconscious insecurities that lead you to being overly critical of others. This can show up when you are dating and find yourself easily turned off by everyone you go on a date with, or having an extensive list of criteria for others to meet. Another example can be needing a lot of comfort and security from others, which is often due to unmet childhood needs from abandonment, abuse, or neglect. Unfortunately, however it shows up, it usually works against us and becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. This can be a vicious cycle that causes a lot of turmoil both internally, as well as in your relationships. You may find yourself reading this blog because you feel stuck in guilt, anger, resentment and/or depression, because you keep finding yourself in the vicious cycle of loneliness and disappointment. This is extremely tough! Here are some ways to identify whether or not your expectations are too high in an unhealthy way, or are appropriate standards to request in a healthy relationship.

Possible indicators that your expectations are too high in an unhealthy way:

• You have a painful history that you may not have fully addressed.
• You find yourself disappointed in others more often than you are grateful for them and their actions.
• You feel disrespected, a lot.
• You are disgusted with most people.
• You don’t have a lot of compassion, especially for those that have hurt you or have done something you deem as “wrong.”
• You are very judgmental to others.
• You are very self critical.
• You don’t know how to self-soothe or talk yourself out of the fear of rejection, abandonment and/or not being accepted.
• You don’t easily feel comforted by anything, even if you ask for something specific.
• You don’t easily feel happy or it’s often short lived.
• You’re a perfectionist and demand perfection from others.
• You expect that everyone should behave the way that you want them to.
• You struggle with forgiveness.
• You struggle with giving people the benefit of the doubt.
• You often feel resentment and anger towards others.
• You expect people to treat you the way you treat them.
• You nit-pick and often can’t let things go.
• You think there is a perfect relationship out there.
• You never cut yourself slack.

If you find yourself in most of these, it may be a good time to explore support with a trained professional that can help you better cope and manage triggers in a healthy way.

So, are your expectations too high and that is causing the problem? Most likely, yes. BUT, this doesn’t mean your expectations are not valid, or that the feelings you have underneath those expectations aren’t profoundly important, because they are. It means that you are subconsciously expecting others to provide you with something they are incapable of giving you fully. (Generally speaking), this isn’t because they don’t care, but because what you are often needing from others, you need to give to yourself first. If you are too judgmental and don’t let anyone in, you need to start giving yourself grace for being imperfect and for making mistakes. If you demand a lot from others, you need to start focusing on patience and compassion for other’s complicated journeys. Either way, you have to practice self love.

Possible indicators that your expectations are not too high and in fact, are healthy:

• You think intimacy in your relationships consists of mutual sharing and you ask your partner/friends to open up about themselves. In turn, you like to be asked about yourself and want to feel safe expressing it.
• You often like to go to your partner/friends for emotional support when you’re feeling upset. This looks like wanting their genuine presence and lending an ear.
• You request open communication from the people who are closest to you, (but forgive and work through moments when it may be challenging).
• You let yourself be vulnerable without needing someone to “fix” or soothe you.
• You expect that a mutually set agreement will be taken seriously.
• You expect that a personal healthy boundary will be honored.
• You trust unconditionally and hope that others do, too.
• You expect the ones closest to you consistently show up for you, (but you give them grace when they aren’t and try to understand what may be going on for them).
• You forgive.
• You exercise grace and compassion for others, even when they disappoint you.
• You understand that relationships aren’t tit for tat, but you do have needs within the relationship that honor your feelings. You are equally open to hearing other’s needs as well.
• You do your best and hope that other’s will, too. (But again, you’re flexible when they can’t).
• You exercise self love, compassion and grace when you aren’t at your “best.”

If the people in your relationship(s) make you feel bad for having these expectations/needs and requests, then you may want to start identifying the health of your relationship(s) with a professional.

The post Are My Expectations Too High? appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

BFFs and Adulting : Why is it so Difficult to Make Adult Friendships?

Another common theme I tend to hear from clients has nothing to do with romantic relationships, but rather adult friendships. As I am writing this, I immediately think of the movie I Love You, Man staring Paul Rudd and Jason Segel. Although comical, the movie actually has a lot of truth to it and while you may find yourself laughing your butt off, you may equally find yourself cringing at the idea of trying to make friends. If you haven’t seen this hilarious movie, it’s about a couple getting married and the groom (Paul Rudd) realizes he doesn’t have any friends to fill up the slots of his groomsmen at his own wedding. The movie depicts his difficult (yet humorous) journey of finding a best man (Jason Segel) as an adult male. I love that this movie is funny and light-hearted, yet it truly displays the void we can feel when we aren’t close with others outside of our romantic relationship(s) as adults. It also shows the awkwardness of trying to make adult friendships with the fears and insecurities we face when attempting to go outside of our comfort zones to put ourselves out there.

Trying to make friends as an adult is almost more daunting than finding a romantic partner. This may be because establishing adult friendships can feel more vulnerable, as our intentions can be  misunderstood or more open to being criticized. The societal “rules” of how to “pick up” friends feel less obvious and can make us feel desperate.

Peter: “So what do I do? How do I make friends?

Peter’s Brother: “If you see a cool looking guy, strike up a conversation and ask him on a man date.”

Peter: “Ok.”

Peter’s Brother: “You know what I mean?”

Peter: “No.”

Peter’s Brother: “A casual lunch or after work drinks. You’re not taking these boys to see The Devil Wears Prada.”

Peter: “Ohhhh god… I love that movie! No I won’t.”

I think this topic of adult friendships is very relative and interesting, considering most of us have friends we grew up and/or have made friends with people we work with due to proximity and convenience. Many of  us have a difficult time making deep connections with new friends (and/or even with current friends) and if we find ourselves wanting to build more connected, adult companions it can feel extremely overwhelming.

As I mentioned earlier, I genuinely believe this is because it feels more vulnerable at times to attempt to make deeper connections with our current friends or try to make new friendships with new adults. I think this all boils down to our fear of judgement, as our intentions of establishing new friendships can be misunderstood, criticized and shaming. I often hear my clients say, “How lame am I tying to make friends as a 30-year-old? Everyone around me probably thinks I’m such a loser because they assume I don’t already have friends.”

If we aren’t new to the area or have a “practical reason” to be striking up conversation with the person next to us at the gym, we can be perceived as being just plain ol’ weird. This is truly unfortunate, considering we could always benefit from making new connections and finding safety with another person; it truly could only help us continue to feel secure in ourselves, supported and fulfilled in our own lives.

As we “adult” and become more and more aware of who we are, it is important to find friendships that support our interests and establish connections with friends whom we feel we can rely on. Not all of us are lucky enough to have the same best friend as we did when we were children, and if you find yourself on that boat, there’s nothing wrong with you for wanting to establish, build and maintain new adult friendships. 

Although these “tips” on how to make adult friendships may seem “cheesy”, I do think it can be beneficial when attempting to step out into your next experience with intentions of wanting to make friends:

1. Be Open and Willing. This can be as simple as being mindful of how often you don’t smile at others around you when you are at the grocery store, gym, bar, class, etc. This may also mean being open and forward like introducing yourself, “Hey, I’m ______, I noticed you’re new to our class.” Being approachable will help strangers (aka potential friends) feel more interested and safe engaging with you.
2. Extend a Friendly Compliment. Everyone appreciates a genuine compliment and if it is being received from someone who is sharing to display similar interests, rather than attempting to spark a romantic connection, it often feels less threatening or uncomfortable. For example, “Nice beard man, how long did it take you to grow?” or “I think you have great style, where do you tend to shop?” 
3. Ask Them About Themselves: As you develop adult friendships, it’s important to ask them about what they are interested in, where they grew up, what they do for a living. If they feel you are being genuine and have something in common, your friendship will start to naturally evolve.
4. Initiate, Plan and Invite: Initiate friendships by giving them your phone number or adding them on social media to spark an easy and friendly invite. It’s also important to find something interesting to invite them to. Because we aren’t kids anymore and going over to each other’s house to sit in front of the TV doesn’t suffice, it’s helpful to create “friend dates” and extend invites as much as possible. This is helpful to maintaining your new adult friendship, as well as serving as a platform to building your depth and fun in your new friendship.
5. Be Aware of Expectations: As adults, we have hectic schedules and can’t necessarily hang out with friends as often as we used to when we were in high school, so don’t overly stress or analyze if your new friend doesn’t text as much as you or can’t make it to your Sunday brunch. Be patient and enjoy your relationship as it comes.
6. Don’t Let Your Insecurities Take Over: Be yourself and know we all have insecurities. Wanting friendships as an adult is normal and just because our society may feel closed off, doesn’t mean you won’t find a person who respects your efforts and personality.
7. Be Flexible: If your new friend interest isn’t consistent or you end up not having a lot in common after all, try not to be discouraged. Not everyone is going to be compatible or open to building a friendship and it isn’t something you should take personally.

If you are interested in learning more about me and my counseling services in Denver, CO feel free to contact me. Thanks for reading!

The post I Love You, Man : Adult Friendships appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.