Stop Trying to Fix Everything in Your Relationship : 6 Things You to do Instead

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box

“Stop trying to fix everything in your relationship!” may be something you’ve heard a bazillion times. Maybe it’s something you didn’t even know you were trying to do; but you just know you hate when the one you love struggles or when there is conflict between the two of you. Your intentions are sincere. You want to keep the peace and make “negative” feelings go away. Your natural go-to is to logically assess the situation, then fix the uncomfortableness. So you may be confused as to why your partner doesn’t understand your genuine attempt to help them out or to defuse the situation.

When your partner starts to get angry with you for always trying to fix things, you may find yourself at a frustrating point and don’t quite understand what to do to make things better. This may make you feel completely discouraged, stressed and rejected. You may start to believe that you can never do anything right. Maybe that is why you have found yourself googling, “stop trying to fix everything in your relationship.”

If you’re in this boat, hear me when I say, this is a common issue for couples.

We have all heard of chronic people pleasing, but we often don’t hear enough about the “chronic fixer” mentality. “The chronic fixer” was often the child growing up that was in charge of their erratic or irresponsible parent or sibling; the child that was expected to be the mediator in the family when abuse or escalation would surface; the child that was neglected from their parents attention or who grew up not understanding unconditional love. The fixer is often the child that never learned how to emotionally express their needs or feelings and becomes easily overwhelmed with other’s expression of emotions. If you are the fixer, this is often why the inner child in you feels so helpless and why it may feel incredibly hurtful when your partner gets angry with you for trying to help. If the fixer mentality in you is so ingrained, it can be a challenge to stop trying to fix everything in your relationship.

So what do you do?

As the fixer, your conscious intentions of diffusing the situation are noble. You care, you try to support, you want to make things “right” again. However, your automatic drive to fix things, is usually more of a defense mechanism to protect yourself, than it is an altruistic drive to help. This is why the attempt to fix doesn’t soothe your partner and it seems to only make things worse. So, if you are the fixer, this doesn’t mean you are “bad,” or wrong. It’s just helpful to realize that your automatic behavior to shut things down and to fix them, are usually an innate defense against your intolerance to emotional discomfort and/or escalation and conflict. Your actions and attempt to fix things, are an automatic response to your subconscious fears in childhood or a toxic past relationship.

So, in a nutshell, the (subconscious) attempt to fix everything is often motivated by a desire to protect yourself from being triggered by a wound that hasn’t fully been healed from your past.

One of the reasons this comes up a lot in couples counseling, is because one person’s natural approach to supporting the other can unfortunately be the exact opposite from what their partner actually needs. Together, they don’t know how to communicate about it, so they tend to just get frustrated at each other and get stuck in repetitive arguments. They both end up feeling dismissed and frustrated.

It’s like the example of never telling a frantic person to “calm down.” Generally, telling someone to calm down has the opposite outcome, because it makes the person who is feeling frantic, now feel dismissed and embarrassed for feeling how they are feeling. Even if “calming down” is the logical and helpful thing to do, in the moment of heightened emotions, it is impossible to flip the switch into a logical state of mind. When we are feeling emotionally triggered, our brains can stop working properly and the amygdala can be hijacked. This is important to understand because we are incredibly complex as human beings and sometimes, when we are emotional, we aren’t always choosing to react in the way we desire. This is why it is incredibly important for both partners to work on strengthening emotional intelligence and tolerance.

I often tell my clients to picture a disgusting scenario: Your partner is stuck in poop. Literally. They are drenched in it. It’s like quick sand and they are barely able to keep their head above the disgustingness. You see them and you want to get them out, but you look around you and there is absolutely nothing you can use to pull them out with. Your partner is defeated and stressed. You are defeated and stressed. Best thing you can do? Jump in the pile of poo with them. That’s it. Sound crazy? YES, it does, but this is often all we need as humans. By jumping in, you show up for them. You give them permission to be overwhelmed and you give yourself permission to be powerless. You ride the wave together and you see your partner with compassion, they see you with intention. Sometimes there is no solution other than that. Eventually the disgustingness becomes livable and the two of you realize you actually aren’t covered in poop, it’s just mud; and by the time the sun goes down, it starts to loosen up, allowing the two of you to get out comfortably to find shelter… together, as a team. “Problem” solved!

Stop Trying to Fix Everything in Your Relationship | 6 Things to do Instead:

Breathe | So when your partner is struggling with something, try to breathe consciously. Literally take a few moments to calm your instinct to react by shutting the emotions down and fixing it. Just breathe and remind yourself that you are safe. Be conscious of what immediate thought popped into your head, “Oh no, here we go again,” or “What did I do wrong?”

Don’t Make Assumptions | When you’re sensing your partner’s vibe is off, you automatically go to worst case scenario in your head. Stop that train of thought, observe the situation and try asking yourself, “Is what I am assuming/thinking true? Do I have evidence to support these automatic thoughts? Am I giving my partner the benefit of the doubt?”

Ask More Questions | Listen more. Ask more. It’s simple enough to help your partner feel validated, but also helpful in soothing your anxiety. Maybe your partner is upset about something that has nothing to do with you, and they just need a moment to talk through it. Try asking a simple question about their needs, “Do you want me to help you solve this, or just listen?”

Set Boundaries | It is completely OK for you to request boundaries when you are feeling overwhelmed and need a moment to collect yourself from flooding emotions. A healthy example on how to request space from an emotional partner is, “I hear you, I see you’re upset, and I need a moment to process all this because emotions can be challenging for me to process. Can we revisit this conversation when I get back in a couple hours?”

Work on Feeling Uncomfortable | Work on your tolerance to difficult emotions or conversations. If being uncomfortable with emotions is something you struggle with, it may be time to do your own counseling to help you regulate and process them effectively.

Relinquish Your Responsibility to Fix Everything | You may feel as though it is your “job” for one reason or another to fix everything, but it isn’t. In fact, that belief is causing you the most pain and discomfort. By relinquishing the responsibility, you surrender to not having control. This is uncomfortable, but it is equally relieving.

*Obviously, if your relationship hits any of these red flags, then you may want to reconsider your relationship’s health and may not want to continue the relationship. There is a difference between being a fixer due to childhood triggers and feeling coerced to please your partner because they are abusive.

All and all, relationships are challenging! The best thing you can do is try to assume the best of your partner (if it is not toxic or abusive). We are all trying our best, even if it doesn’t seem that way sometimes. If you don’t feel heard, there may be somethings you can try differently to be softer with your approach. If you don’t feel appreciated or understood, then you may be trying too hard to fix the situation rather than just hear your partner out.

Thanks for reading our article, Stop Trying to Fix Everything in Your Relationship.

The post Stop Trying To Fix Everything in Your Relationship appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Examples of Power Struggles in a Relationship | How to Tell if You Are Butting Heads to Gain Control (and why?)

Awe… the honeymoon phase. Isn’t it bliss? 

There are seemingly no “real” struggles in the honeymoon phase, right? Just fun dates and lots of sex. There’s no arguing about who loads the dishwasher, or picks up the check(s). No one is frustrated about always initiating sex or what to eat for dinner. Life in the beginning was just easy filled with compromise. 

This time in our relationship is “easy,” because we are often lost in lust and oxytocin. It’s also easy, because we are happy to forfeit our opinions in order to make the other person satisfied and to keep them interested. We don’t mind compromise because we all enjoy falling in love. 

So, fast forward a few months… or even some years. You may have found yourselves unhappy and struggling with feeling fully appreciated and/or equal in your relationship. Maybe simple communication is challenging or mutual respect is declining. At times, you may feel frustrated and sad that the relationship you once had feels lost and the person you fell in love with has slipped away. 

Well, you may have found yourselves in a power struggle. 

You may not even realize it, but often times the petty fights you find yourselves in are just an attempt for your voices to be heard/respected, your feelings to be validated, or your contributions to be recognized and appreciated. We often get stuck in the content of “who did what” instead of communicating to each other our vulnerable desires to feel seen in the relationship. Sometimes, we get so stuck on how things used to be, that we start resenting our partners for inevitable changes. 

Here are Examples of Power Struggles in a Relationship:

#1: You find yourselves easily arguing about your (subjective) experiences being a fact. 

#2: You and/or your partner makes regular passive aggressive comments and says they are just “joking.”  

#3: You and/or partner feels entitled to having more decision making privileges, because you/they make more money.

#4: You and/or your partner feel secretively defiant.

#5 You put each other down. 

#6 You get in arguments the second you both have differing opinions. 

#7 You and/or your partner constantly bring up the past to justify their actions. 

#8 You and/or your partner play games to make the other one jealous. 

#9 You find yourselves in competition with each other, and not in a cute way. 

#10 You and/or your partner often threaten leaving the relationship in arguments. 

#11 You and/or your partner withhold sex, intimacy or affection to prove a point. 

#12 You and/or your partner often feels “in trouble.” 

#13 You and/or your partner purposefully want to withhold offering support or help to “teach” them a lesson. 

Power struggles can be a common element to a relationship, but catching them early will help you both determine a healthy way to restructure them. Sometimes, power struggles in a relationship can be due to feeling unheard and sometimes addressing them calmly can be the fix. Other times, power struggles can come from years of built up resentment and pain, which may require a lot more time and tools to heal. Either way, therapy is always a great idea to help you both unpack these negative behaviors and break the cycle for good. 

The post Examples of Power Struggles in a Relationship appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Written by Kate Barrington and Alysha Jenney

Takeaway: Whether you are in a long-term, live-in relationship or a long-distance one, it isn’t uncommon to wonder about how to keep the relationship alive. No matter how much you love your partner, the passion and excitement tend to dwindle as the novelty of your relationship dissolves. If you find yourself reading this article, please know you are not alone and this is very natural. Here are some ideas from couples therapists in Denver on how to keep relationships exciting when they experience lulls.  

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One of the most satisfying aspects of being in a long-term relationship is how well you and your partner know each other. You’ve spent months, maybe even years together and you’ve endured your fair share of challenges while making memories along the way. Though there’s comfort in familiarity, sometimes what you really want is to switch things up – to try something new. We all could use a little change in our day-to-day WFH grind.

How do you keep a relationship interesting?

A relationship is only as interesting as you are. When you are feeling bored in the relationship, make it a point to acknowledge your limitations and maybe go outside of your comfort zone. What is something you’ve always wanted to learn how to do? What is something you feel interests you? What is something that turns you on, but you’ve been nervous to explore?  Go with it!

Learning something new may be all you need to spark alive in your relationship because it gives you something to talk about, something to look forward to and helps your overall mental and emotional wellbeing. 

Here are some other ideas on how to keep the spark alive in your long-term relationship.

Indulge yourselves with enjoyable past events and memories

Look at photos, read journal entries, and have conversations about how you first met. Reminiscing can help the two of you tap into enjoyable emotions that you’ve gotten too busy or too comfortable to tap into.

Reminiscing also helps us get back into the mental and emotional state of being present and open, like we once were in the beginning.  Pick up some nice frames at the craft store or assemble your top picks in a scrapbook or photo book. If you want to go digital, go through old photos on your phones and stream them to the TV screen. 

Have sacred rituals

Have sacred rituals that the two of you commit to; whether that be you go to an exotic vacation once a year together, or you have sex in the shower at every place you stay in! 

Introduce a new hobby

Try out a board game or an outdoor activity to start exploring together. At your next date night, try something new that is out of both of your comfort zones. For example, you could go listen to live Jazz at a swanky club, play tennis or rock climb.  Schedule a date that is specifically meant for role play. Pretend that you both are on a first date! 

Appreciate the adventures, but also appreciate the moments of calmness

Being bored in your relationship is an opportunity to grow, but it is also a time to reflect in gratitude for the memories and level of comfort you both feel. During down times, try telling each other verbally how much you appreciate each other for the little things. Cuddle often and try to not take each other for granted everyday, by reflecting on the gratitude to have for one another before bed. 

Talk about lulls

This may seem counterproductive, but communicating about a lull in the relationship may be what both of you need to hold each other accountable for trying one of these above tips. Try simply saying, “Hey, I miss you. Can we prioritize intentional time to connect?” 

Tackle your partner’s to-do list

A surprise doesn’t always have to be a physical gift – you could show your partner you care by performing an act of service. Tackle a few items on your partner’s to-do list so they have a little extra free time to relax or to spend with you.

Try the 4-course meal challenge from TikTok

Everyone loves food, especially when it’s a surprise. Give the 4-course meal challenge a try by taking turns picking out drinks, appetizers, entrees, and dessert. Use the meal as a chance to spend some quality time catching up with your partner.

Write them a love letter

In today’s world, communication is often done through text or email, so show your partner you care by surprising them with a hand-written love letter. If you want to get really creative, you could write several shorter notes and hide them around the house for your partner to find.

Book a hotel room for the two of you

If it’s been a while since you and your partner had any alone time together, why not book a hotel room for a night or the whole weekend. Order room service then kick back and watch movies or soak in the jacuzzi together for a little quality one-on-one time. It’ll be nice getting out of your homes and into a new environment!

Buy something sexy for yourself or your partner

Feeling sexy is crucial in allowing yourself to be open to erotic experiences. Why not pick out a sexy piece of lingerie or a introduce a top rated couples sex toy as a surprise for your partner? Psssst… If erectile dysfunction is ever a barrier, you can plan ahead and get a prescription for ED medication online. 

Feeling stuck? Go outside of your comfort zones and discuss sex in meaningful ways with our Intimacy Guide.

Buy a Modern Love Box subscription

As a relationship expert, I co-created The Modern Love Box with my husband because many of us long-term couples struggle at times with reviving the spark. Lulls in relationships are common and normal, but oftentimes, couples don’t have the tools on how to effectively work through them.

If you’ve having trouble coming up with ideas or ways to revive the passion with your partner, The Modern Love Box is a great choice. Choose from curated Date Boxes filled with products and prompts to help you and your partner step up all levels of intimacy, our digital monthly communication activity meant to help the two of you deepen your communication and have more interesting topics to discuss at any date night, and/or our adult intimacy products that help you both explore sexually.

Most of the work is done for you and each of the offerings give you the opportunity to get closer and more connected when you are struggling with knowing how. 

Check out our date box!

So how do you keep a relationship alive after two years?

Two years is generally when a couple starts to feel the loss of their honeymoon stage. Although they are more comfortable with each other, have more security and may even be making bigger decisions together, they may also be struggling with experiencing the passion they once felt.

You can keep your relationship alive after two years by making it a point to continue to date each other. Continue to create new memories, recreate sacred ones, and give each other the quality attention you both used to effortlessly give one another. Celebrate anniversaries, enjoy quality time with intention, and be conscious of not letting the day-to-day stress rob you of the precious time you both get together. Any moment can become stale, but how do you intentionally make time to be flirty, playful and sexy?

You know your partner better than anyone, so take your time to think through this list and choose a surprise your partner will appreciate and enjoy. You never know – it might just set off a fun new tradition of surprising each other to keep the spark in your relationship alive!

Keep the spark alive with the Modern Love Box

We understand that keeping the spark alive in a relationship can be a challenging process. That’s why we recommend trying our date night subscription box the Modern Love Box if you and your partner are feeling stuck.

If you are interested in learning more about our counseling services in Denver, CO, feel free to contact me. I’m here to help! Thanks for reading.

The post How to Keep a Relationship Alive appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

How to Support Your Partner with Anxiety : 5 Things to Try

If you’ve never struggled with anxiety, anxiety attacks, panic or excessive worry, than it may be challenging for you to know how to support your partner when they do. Being someone that has had GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) for most of my life, it can be challenging to feel understood. Even having an ability to understand GAD from a clinical standpoint, it can still be difficult to explain my experience or know how to self soothe at times.

I self disclose this because I think it is important for people to understand that anxiety and anxiety disorders can have an impact on anyone. Anxiety is complex and there isn’t a one-size fits all remedy or “fix.” Although women are twice as likely to have anxiety disorders than men, during my counseling career I have noticed that many men experience anxiety without realizing it.

People that experience debilitating anxiety may tell you they feel insecure or ashamed. “I would try to hide my anxiety because I was so embarrassed for being stressed out about dying. I’d notice a new birthmark and would immediately dwell and google skin cancer for days. I was convinced in my fear stricken state that I was dying, yet my rational brain would often say, ‘You’re fine…’ It was almost as if I couldn’t trust which voice to listen to, so I just kept searching online for reassurance until I was so physically and emotionally upset that I couldn’t get out of bed. It wasn’t until then that my partner really started to understand how complex and heavy my anxiety really could become. I was so afraid he would minimize my experience and tell me how stupid I was; I didn’t know how to ask for support, let alone confront him with my fears, so I would often just close him off and then we would get into an argument.” – Alexis, 32. This is an example of health anxiety, which many researchers think close to 15% of the population may struggle with this particular disorder. Someone struggling with health anxiety is often misunderstood and can be dismissed by others around them, including doctors or professionals.

Social anxiety is also very common and many people mask their symptoms by engaging in alcohol or recreational drugs to soothe their fears. This can lead to relational arguments and misunderstandings. It is easy to make assumptions that your partner is just being shy, closed off or awkward; they have a drinking problem or they are socially rude. It is important to understand the root cause, because these may be signs that link to anxiety management instead.

If your partner is struggling with anxiety and you don’t quite understand how to support them, please try these tips:

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #1

Don’t (ever) tell them to “calm down,” “chill out,” or “don’t worry about it.” Although the intent may be supportive, it comes across insensitive and dismissive for the partner struggling with soothing their nervous system and intrusive thoughts. It may seem counterintuitive but try validating their anxiety instead. Validating their anxiety can actually help them put a name to their experience, while also helping them feel understood. “You’re feeling anxious… It’s ok. I’m here.”

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #2

When your partner is not feeling anxious, try to understand what their anxiety is like for them. Ask questions like, “What does it feel like in your body?” “What thoughts do you have when you’re anxious?” or “Do you know what triggers it for you?” or “What helps you when you’re feeling that way?”

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #3

During an anxiety attack, remind them to breathe. Deep and long inhales/exhales are incredibly helpful for their nervous system to calm and can distract their mind from continued panic.

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #4

If your partner has a particular diagnosis, educate yourself on it. By researching what anxiety is, it can be more helpful for you to understand the symptoms from a more objective place.

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #5

Support your partner in seeking a professional help if they aren’t seeing someone already.

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #6

Give your partner some grace and always try to exercise compassion. It may be hard to relate to and understand anxiety personally, (or rationally), but the more compassion you can express, the more your partner will feel comforted.

The post How to Support Your Partner with Anxiety appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Date Night Box : Why it’s Important to Prioritize Your Relationship… Especially Now

Most likely, you’ve been rocked pretty hard the last few months. Having little to no energy, resources, or outlets, you may find yourselves feeling burdened by the idea of preparing for anything, let alone a creative a date night in. You may know it’s important to keep the spark alive, but since you’ve been barricading in lockdown, you may feel like your spark is completely suffocated. It can be challenging to find the energy to “do something different” when most of us are not willing or able to go outside of our homes very often. If you have children, then you also know the struggle of having to balance more responsibilities than you are mentally or physically capable of. This year has been tough and it continues to be.

One thing we can take away from this year is to truly value our loved ones. Many of us haven’t seen our families for months, or have limited time with beloved friends. If we are living with a partner, we may find ourselves arguing more often because we lack the boundaries we once had access to. It can be tough trying to find romantic time when we feel stuck in our heads, our responsibilities, the same surroundings day in and day out.

Well, a date night box isn’t going to be a magic cure that changes your life in an instant. However, it can take the pressure off you both and offer the excitement that you’re relationship has been craving for weeks. My husband and I started a subscription box company for couples in 2016, but shortly after we got pregnant and had to alter our business plans. Then, as all of us, our lives continued to change in 2020. With all the adaptions to our new routines, we were inspired to get our couples date night box business back and running. It seemed necessary to help couples who were also stuck at home, struggling to find the energy and space to connect.

My husband and I can personally relate to how challenging it can be to invest and prioritize quality intentional time. We used to be really good at it, until we had a baby and then 2020 shattered our plans of childcare and work-life balance. We have been together for twelve years and raising a toddler that we both juggle between our work and home responsibilities, we are lucky if we even check in with how the other one is doing! It’s often so easy to prioritize everything else but ourselves or our relationship during a time that has caused so much uncertainty, stress and anxiety for all of us.

We get it, we have been living through it, too!

Quarantine has been tough on our mental, emotional and physical well-being.

No matter how loving your relationship, it’s probably been challenged this past year in some way and prioritizing your connection may be part of the challenge. When couples need support with keeping their spark alive, it’s easy to feel defeated and just stick to what is comfortable. This may look like the two of you rarely having intentional moments to really talk or spend quality time together. Many couples pull apart during these (normal) but uncomfortable times in their partnership and some seek counseling to help them get back on track.

Before you get stuck in the mundane routine and start losing your connection altogether, it could be time to start exploring a date night box (possibly in addition to couples therapy if that feels helpful). Date night boxes can be really fun, engaging and help you both disconnect from your day-to-day responsibilities.

The Modern Love Box

Our date night box company is called The Modern Love Box. We offer a digital subscription filled with communication activities to provoke meaningful and intentional communication. Our communication activities get sent to you once a month and can be a perfect addition to any date night in, walk, or pillow talk. This is a great activity for any couple, at any stage of your relationship looking to bump up quality emotional intimacy. Because I am a therapist, I understand the importance of communication. Many couple just don’t know how to invoke deeper communication and so they default to not talking at all. Our inbox subscription invoked questions for you, so you don’t have to feel pressure to come up with dialogue all by yourself. Topics range from sex, finances, world issues, passions, your love languages/needs, desires, feelings, etc.

If you are looking for more of a physical date night box, we also offer best selling boxes that include a curated experience/theme, a communication activity and products to tie it all together. Our box themes all incorporate emotional, physical and sexual intimacy. The benefits are endless!

There are so many different types of date night boxes out there. If you’re looking for playful fun, mystery games or in our business’ case, overall intimacy enhancement, there is something for you and your partner to explore. Brides.com included our business as one of the best digital subscriptions for couples in their recent article, The Best Date Night Subscription Boxes.

So although a date night box will not revolutionize your life in an instant, it may actually be a tool that propels you and your partner to a deeper understanding and closeness. Our boxes may inspire you both to enjoy physical intimacy more and to slow down. Date boxes inspire you both to be present and engaged. What more could we want during this time?

It’s become my biggest passion to help others and enhance relationships. I know they aren’t always easy and I also know they require intentional commitment. 2020 has been a devastating year and although 2021 is inspiring some hope, we have to take care of ourselves and each other. Remember what is truly important. Most likely they are sitting right next to you.

Want to give The Modern Love inBox a try? Sign up for your first month free! If you’re interested in one of our boxes, enjoy free US shipping with promo code MLC2021.

The post Date Night Box | Prioritize Your Relationship From Home appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

You may find yourself googling “Are my expectations too high?” or at least feel internally conflicted with the answer. If you find yourself on this page, then most likely someone or everyone has disappointed you. Maybe someone has told you directly that you’re too needy, or maybe you just find yourself feeling alone and disappointed most of the time. I know that when I have asked myself this question, it usually would lead to a dark road of self-punishment and guilt.

In our culture, we pride ourselves on “not settling,” yet we also aren’t really encouraged to ask for support either. That’s a huge conflict, isn’t it? Are we setting if we find ourselves in a relationship with someone that refuses to tend to our emotional needs, or are we just being too needy? Are we settling if we find ourselves in a relationship with someone that tries their best to tend to our emotional needs, (but just doesn’t quite hit the bar perfectly), or are we just being too picky? What determines healthy expectation verses unhealthy ones?

Our culture often sees having high expectations as a negative that usually indicates that you are too picky; that you are selfish and/or take too much from others. Sometimes, this can be valid and true. Sometimes, context is important and you have reasonable requests that are being gaslighted by a manipulative person. Regardless, if you notice that you are often feeling misunderstood, alone and don’t have a lot of support, then it may be a good time to explore more about your needs from others and the health of your current relationships.

Most often, “having too high of expectations” comes from a subconscious space filled with unprocessed pain from the past that is being projected onto others. An example can be subconscious insecurities that lead you to being overly critical of others. This can show up when you are dating and find yourself easily turned off by everyone you go on a date with, or having an extensive list of criteria for others to meet. Another example can be needing a lot of comfort and security from others, which is often due to unmet childhood needs from abandonment, abuse, or neglect. Unfortunately, however it shows up, it usually works against us and becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. This can be a vicious cycle that causes a lot of turmoil both internally, as well as in your relationships. You may find yourself reading this blog because you feel stuck in guilt, anger, resentment and/or depression, because you keep finding yourself in the vicious cycle of loneliness and disappointment. This is extremely tough! Here are some ways to identify whether or not your expectations are too high in an unhealthy way, or are appropriate standards to request in a healthy relationship.

Possible indicators that your expectations are too high in an unhealthy way:

• You have a painful history that you may not have fully addressed.
• You find yourself disappointed in others more often than you are grateful for them and their actions.
• You feel disrespected, a lot.
• You are disgusted with most people.
• You don’t have a lot of compassion, especially for those that have hurt you or have done something you deem as “wrong.”
• You are very judgmental to others.
• You are very self critical.
• You don’t know how to self-soothe or talk yourself out of the fear of rejection, abandonment and/or not being accepted.
• You don’t easily feel comforted by anything, even if you ask for something specific.
• You don’t easily feel happy or it’s often short lived.
• You’re a perfectionist and demand perfection from others.
• You expect that everyone should behave the way that you want them to.
• You struggle with forgiveness.
• You struggle with giving people the benefit of the doubt.
• You often feel resentment and anger towards others.
• You expect people to treat you the way you treat them.
• You nit-pick and often can’t let things go.
• You think there is a perfect relationship out there.
• You never cut yourself slack.

If you find yourself in most of these, it may be a good time to explore support with a trained professional that can help you better cope and manage triggers in a healthy way.

So, are your expectations too high and that is causing the problem? Most likely, yes. BUT, this doesn’t mean your expectations are not valid, or that the feelings you have underneath those expectations aren’t profoundly important, because they are. It means that you are subconsciously expecting others to provide you with something they are incapable of giving you fully. (Generally speaking), this isn’t because they don’t care, but because what you are often needing from others, you need to give to yourself first. If you are too judgmental and don’t let anyone in, you need to start giving yourself grace for being imperfect and for making mistakes. If you demand a lot from others, you need to start focusing on patience and compassion for other’s complicated journeys. Either way, you have to practice self love.

Possible indicators that your expectations are not too high and in fact, are healthy:

• You think intimacy in your relationships consists of mutual sharing and you ask your partner/friends to open up about themselves. In turn, you like to be asked about yourself and want to feel safe expressing it.
• You often like to go to your partner/friends for emotional support when you’re feeling upset. This looks like wanting their genuine presence and lending an ear.
• You request open communication from the people who are closest to you, (but forgive and work through moments when it may be challenging).
• You let yourself be vulnerable without needing someone to “fix” or soothe you.
• You expect that a mutually set agreement will be taken seriously.
• You expect that a personal healthy boundary will be honored.
• You trust unconditionally and hope that others do, too.
• You expect the ones closest to you consistently show up for you, (but you give them grace when they aren’t and try to understand what may be going on for them).
• You forgive.
• You exercise grace and compassion for others, even when they disappoint you.
• You understand that relationships aren’t tit for tat, but you do have needs within the relationship that honor your feelings. You are equally open to hearing other’s needs as well.
• You do your best and hope that other’s will, too. (But again, you’re flexible when they can’t).
• You exercise self love, compassion and grace when you aren’t at your “best.”

If the people in your relationship(s) make you feel bad for having these expectations/needs and requests, then you may want to start identifying the health of your relationship(s) with a professional.

The post Are My Expectations Too High? appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Relationship Red Flags: How do you know if your relationship is toxic? Watch for these red flags. 

As many of you know, relationship red flags may be hard to identify. Because relationships by nature are hard and require a lot of work, you may ask yourself sometimes “is this really healthy?” We have all been there. It can be challenging to know how to identify what’s a “normal” amount of dysfunction and what is down right toxic.

Here are some examples of relationship red flags to watch out for:

#1 Your partner never accepts accountability for their actions. Or if they do, they make sure to say “but I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t done X.”

#2 You never feel heard/considered in the relationship.

#3 You often question your own sanity or feelings. You may get stuck in self doubt, shame and guilt.

#4 You’re afraid of your partner’s reactions/judgements, so much that you find yourself altering or censoring yourself often.

#5 You struggle with being honest with your family/friends about your relationship. You may even start to isolate from people that were once close to you.

#6 You start becoming someone you don’t recognize.

#7 Your partner uses your vulnerabilities against you.

#8 You constantly feel like you’re in a power struggle in everything that you do.

#9 Your partner directly or indirectly demands things from you. There is no compromise in the relationship.

#10 You had high self esteem until this relationship.

#11 You feel controlled.

#12 You cannot see yourself as your own person. Your partner has become a part of your identity and you need their approval and love.

#13 Arguments are volatile or abusive in any way.

#14 You feel intimidated.

#15 Your partner acts completely different around other people than they do when they are with you.

#16 You catch your partner in repeated lies. Even they are small.

#17 Your partner is highly defensive and never shows their vulnerable side to you.

#18 Your partner refuses to see other people’s perspectives in anything they don’t agree with.

#19 You feel coerced in having sex.

#20 Your partner calls/texts you constantly when you are away.

#21 Your partner does not support you doing new things and acts threatened often.

#22 Your partner threatens self harm in an attempt to cause a reaction out of you.

#23 You and/or your partner is unwilling to go to therapy. (If you are too afraid, they are too defensive).

Relationship Red Flags: How to walk away from a toxic relationship

If you find that you are in a toxic relationship, but struggle with feeling confident in getting out, here’s what you can do. First, if you are in an abusive or threatening relationship it is important to have a safety plan in place, (protective factors such as a place to stay, access to authority, etc).

It can also be incredibly helpful to have a safe, unbiased confidant like a relationship therapist. Because they are also educated on understanding human behavior, they will have a better perspective on what’s “healthy” or not. They are there to support you with building the self confidence and awareness you’ll need to leave the relationship. They can help you create and practice necessary boundaries to help you through the transition. Therapy can also help you connect any dots from past/childhood that may be impacting your current situation/feelings, which may help in healing any past traumas that are being impacted with your current situation.

Lastly, educate yourself on unhealthy relationships, personality disorders and/or addiction if applicable. This is something you can do in therapy, or on your own. Education is helpful at de-personalizing the problem and getting you to see the reality of a toxic situation.

Thank you for reading Relationship Red Flags: What makes a relationship “toxic?” Have you gotten out of a toxic relationship? Please share what helped you!

The post Relationship Red Flags : What makes a relationship “toxic?” appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Dating someone with borderline personality disorder can sound really scary.

Dating someone with borderline personality disorder can also sound really serious. Especially if you’ve never heard of a “personality disorder” in general or have any idea what it actually means. Mental health as a whole can be very nerve racking if we don’t have a full understanding of what is really going on. I write this blog specifically because the majority of my individual clients struggle with a personal relationship with someone that has a personality disorder, specially Borderline Personality disorder… (and they don’t know it).

So What is Borderline Personality Disorder? According to psychiatry.org “Borderline Personality Disorder is a pattern of instability in personal relationships, intense emotions, poor self-image and impulsivity. A person with borderline personality disorder may go to great lengths to avoid being abandoned, have repeated suicide attempts, display inappropriate intense anger or have ongoing feelings of emptiness.” Studies believe Borderline Personality Disorder may be caused by trauma, genetics and/or learned behavior. People with this disorder may also have comorbidity which means they have multiple disorders at once (such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc).

Although this definition of borderline personality disorder is accurate, it may not be incredibly helpful because borderline personalities don’t always show up in this way. People that have BPD can be incredibly loyal, loving and empathetic. They can be self aware, empathic and compassionate. As their partner or friend, you may be their ultimate favorite person that they cherish greatly; but they may also easily become possessive or are very irrational at seemingly the drop of a hat. Your relationship with them may be just as pleasant as it is difficult and you may be really suffering as to understanding why. If you feel as though you are questioning your own behavior, morals and/or reactions often, and/or have been feeling an extreme uncertainty about what is going to make them happy again, you may want to read on. 

Here are a few examples of how you may be experiencing a borderline personality in your relationship.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #1: Their Reactions Are Often Disproportionate to What’s Happening

You may find that you struggle with understanding their reactions at times and question if you are being insensitive. You may find little things, (like not answering your phone), set your partner through the roof. You are confused by their disporportionate emotions at times and can’t logically comprehend why they are so upset. You may find yourself asking “why are you so mad?” which may only make the situation more reactive. You may find yourself thinking “this is so irrational,” but you can’t calm them down. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #2: The Honeymoon Stage was ELECTRIC 

You felt electricity that was unlike any “spark” that you have ever experienced in a relationship before. The sexual chemistry may have been explosive from the very beginning, and/or your emotional chemistry was easy. You may feel as though you are addicted to this part of your relationship and often try your best to get it back. You’ve convinced yourself (and possibly friends and family) that the highs are way more valuable than the lows, and you do your best to hang onto the moments you two are in bliss.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #3: They Are Never Wrong

Because your partner is often very black or white, you may notice a pattern that your partner does not accept accountability for their behavior, (which typically means they never apologize.) They somehow find a way to make you feel guilty about something you did that caused them to lash out in the way they did. Even after the argument has settled, you may still find yourself feeling invalidated for multiple occasions. The relationship often feels one-sided and as though there is no room for your needs or feelings. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #4: They Are Deep and Emotional

You’ve experienced vulnerable moments with them that have made you fall deeper and deeper in love. They seem self aware and able to articulate their experiences of the past in ways you may have never experienced anyone do before. They may have been in therapy for years and talk a lot about their past. You find this level of depth intriguing, when it is not projected at you.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #5: Your Relationship Feels Like a Yo-Yo

You’ve never felt so loved and so hated by anyone, ever. This yo-yo effect in your relationship may lead to a lot of confusion, curiosity, hope and frustration for you. It’s a mystery and at times you may feel you are the only one that doesn’t get it, but you want to figure it out. You may find your inner child gets triggered a lot and you may get to a point when you feel like a defeated shell of yourself. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #6: You Have Anxiety, All the Time

You may find yourself constantly confused, which results to a lot anxiety and self doubt. You may not be able to identify the source of your partner’s shift in mood, or the level of emotion that is being expressed, so you walk on eggshells. You may start to analyze your own character and become insecure or resentful. You are often struggling with understanding the why of their negative or extreme reactions toward you, so you struggle with knowing how to assert your needs. You may ask yourself, “Am I crazy?” “Did I totally perceive this situation wrong?” “Do other people think I’m just a terrible person, too?” “Why does my partner do this? I would never do this to them.”

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #7: You Don’t Feel Trusted 

You don’t ever really feel trusted by your partner, even if you haven’t “done” anything to give them the impression you are untrustworthy. People who struggle with borderline personality disorder are incredibly vulnerable to the idea of abandonment. They want to be loved unconditionally (like we all do), but they often struggle with trusting full heartedly because they are often suspicious of people’s motives.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #8: You Feel Guilty

You feel guilty often and probably take accountability for things that you don’t believe are for you to own; but you do this to keep the peace and to de-escalate the situation. Maybe you’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser so this dynamic may be somewhat of a comfort zone to you, even if it doesn’t feel great. You may become obsessed with the getting back to a good place with your partner so you can become the most special, beloved, and needed person on the planet again.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #9: There Is No Room For Your Feelings/Needs

You feel as though you aren’t allowed to have needs because every time you express them, your partner completely dismisses you and refuses to accept they don’t offer these needs to you. They may turn a situation back on you and express in detail how much they do for you that you don’t appreciate or see. They don’t see your point of view, but expect and demand you to always see their’s. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #10: They Dislike Most People

Your partner may have a strong victim mentality and you start seeing it more and more in their personal life outside of you. Maybe they don’t have many friends because, “they are all back-stabbers,” or they complain constantly about their coworkers because they are all “bullies.” Maybe their family is the total “enemy” and the reason for all of their suffering. Either way, you can start to get a glimpse into their lens of the world, which is everyone is against them.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #11: People in Your Circle Say, GET OUT.

You friends and family may have cautioned you multiple times about this relationship. If you have been transparent with your friends and families about your partner’s behavior, then most likely your best friends or close relatives have expressed their concern for you.  (Or, another example of dating someone with borderline personality disorder is the reluctance you may have to actually tell others around you the full story of what has been going on in your relationship because you’re ashamed, embarrassed and/or scared. So you often hide your feelings and confusion from close ones around you and try to process it all by yourself. You may also be in denial).

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #12: You Are Terrified to Even Think About Breaking up With Them

If you have questioned breaking up with your partner, but fear retaliation, their volatile reaction and/or them self-harming as a reaction, this is a strong indicator that your partner is struggling with BPD. 

So let’s say you relate to most of these examples. Where do you go from here? A part of you may feel a lot of relief, but you may also have a lot of fear about how to proceed. The tricky piece to many personality disorders like Borderline Personality, it is an ego syntonic disorder, (which means an individual is unaware of their symptoms). This makes healthy longterm relationships pretty challenging (if not downright impossible), because they are often incapable of recognizing their (negative) part in the dynamic. If everything is perceived from their eyes as your fault, you may never feel seen, understood or appreciated in your relationship.

Ego syntonic disorders are also limiting in treatment, such as accepting the idea that they could use individual therapy or couples counseling, because they often think everyone else is the problem. The counseling experience with borderline personalities can often play out where they refuse to come altogether, or participate but the moment they feel the therapist is not on their side they can feel abandoned or become volatile. Or, they could find a therapist that only validates their perspective, which may only perpetuates their victim narrative.

If there is willingness from your partner to want to explore help, there are specific treatments available such as PCH Treatment that are designed to support borderline personality disorder that have shown to be successful. Often medication can help for the other possible symptoms such as depression and anxiety, but there are currently no “cures” for personality disorders.

If you think you are dating a person with borderline personality disorder, my advice is to seek your own individual counseling. You can gain support in educating yourself on this disorder, as well as learn the tools to navigate your own feelings and explore your own blind spots, and understand what you gain from this relationship. From that point on, you may be able to navigate a conversation about supportive treatment with your partner or at least have more perspective about how you’d like to proceed.

The post Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder : How to Identify the Symptoms appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

5 Important Dating Tips from a Relationship Expert : What you can do if you want to find a “real” connection

Important dating tips to consider | If you are looking for more than a hook up or someone to fill an immediate void in your schedule, then you may be frustrated with modern dating. Many of my clients who are looking for marriage (or at least a serious committed partnership), are struggling with the online dating scene because they aren’t finding meaningful connections. It’s common for many of my clients to report feeling hopeless, frustrated and even completely burned out.

Does this sound familiar?

What’s interesting, is despite the high probability of being on the same apps, my clients who are looking for the same thing (deep connection) are still missing other like-minded singles. Match after match, date after date, my clients are feeling incredibly overwhelmed and often stressed out that they may never find what they are looking for, (or even worse, that it doesn’t exist!) How can this be?

We, as a technologically sophisticated society are thriving with smart devices, apps and immediate access. As modern dating embodies all of these advances, we still may find ourselves lost and out of touch. On one hand, these advances give us the opportunity to confidently reach out to many people that we think we may not normally cross paths with; but on the other, it can stunt our ability to show up in an authentic way.

Another issue with online dating is that it has the impact to stunt our confidence in reaching out to people in person. There’s potential that you’re missing a genuine connection with that cute barista you see every Tuesday. Online dating also has potential to clog our perception of “what we really want” by instilling innate judgement on endless profiles, making the entire process dehumanizing and impersonal. Online dating may also leave you pretty lazy and you may not even realize how unavailable and closed off you are in person.

So here is what you can do to try to increase your chances of finding an authentic partnership without being completely de-stigmatized from endless dating profiles, games and societal rituals.

Important Dating Tips #1. Be intentional, not habitual. 

According to Market Watch, the average American spends 11 hours a day on some form of media! From our experience, how many of these hours are designated to social media or online dating apps? If you were to be honest with yourself, it is probably a lot. No judgement! But with that said, that much exposure to online profiles will make anyone de-stigmatized to the entire process.

Your brain starts to lose interest in the actual person in those profiles because the act of browsing has become less about looking for a partner; it’s become more of a habit.

Try setting intentional time to browse online profiles, rather than habitually swiping through endless profiles while at a red light, while on the toilet, in between meetings, while waiting for a friend to meet you for brunch, etc, etc.

By setting this intention (I’d suggest 1-3 hours per week; let’s say every Thursday) to browse through profiles with the intention to find a connection, you will actually be curious and open. Your eyes will be drawn to someone with a new perspective and you may even have the energy to actually read what these potential dates are saying or at least really try to see them for who they are trying to portray. By being more intentional while online dating, you may actually have the desire to meet with someone who you are actually interested in, verses someone who is convenient. 

Important Dating Tips #2. Prioritize what you really want from a partner.

Do you feel pressure that “your time is running out?” I hear it all the time. That clock feels heavy for many singles and I can understand why. There can be a lot of anxiety around finding a partner, getting married and then potentially starting a family. This is especially true if you are like many Millennials who found themselves building their career first and then now in their early to late thirties feel nervous about their biological clock. You may find yourself nervous about the practical components to building an intimate life with someone, (i.e. “I need to have a baby realistically within the next 2 years, which means I have to meet someone today, get married by the end of the year and then get pregnant by 2020.”)

Understanding what you truly desire from a relationship may feel daunting, especially if you have told yourself that you aren’t allowed to be picky because you don’t have time to be.

Let’s say it’s incredibly important to you to find someone who has the same spiritual beliefs as you or who is intellectual; but let’s also say that you want to get married and have children. You may have found yourself in a predicament because you have yet to find someone with those spiritual and intellectual connections, but you have found someone who wants marriage and a baby. What do you do?

Typically, I find that by settling for those authentic desires in a partnership, will most likely lead you down a path of resentment and isolation. Just because it may be easier to find someone who is also on a mission to fulfill an important checklist in a timely matter, (than it is to find someone who truly gets you), doesn’t necessarily mean you should move forward with them.

You have to be honest with yourself about the things that you truly value in a partner and the things you really want or need from a partnership. If you want marriage and children, but it makes you stressed thinking about the timeline, please take a deep breath! This can all still be in the cards for you even if you miss a desired timeline, it just may look a little different than what you had envisioned. Just try to restructure your priorities of finding a genuine connection first and once you have cultivated a genuine relationship, discussing moving forward with “the next steps” will be something that both of you are open and excited to explore together, (even if they are difficult, easy, planned or unplanned. This is way more genuine *and possibly way more fulfilling* than just  finding a person to settle down and check off a few important boxes with).

Important Dating Tips #3. Ask questions that actually matter.

You may feel conflicted about having “real” open conversations in the first meet(s). However, I often hear clients discuss their frustration with not being able to find a meaningful connection with people they have been on 5+ dates with (or sometimes when they are even in a committed relationship with!) They are afraid to initiate meaningful topics or don’t know how to create a sense of connection based on values, life goals, world views, relationship goals; the sh*t that actually matters! Instead, many are having superficial convos about work-life balance, skiing or recent travel destinations… date after date, after date. These are also important, don’t get me wrong, but without discussing things that you desire from life, things that make you tick, things that make you passionate, things that you want from a relationship; you miss the opportunity to get to the core of this person (ie. potentially wasting your time). Important dating tips: If the two of you bonded from personal values from the very beginning, you wouldn’t find yourself struggling with trying to change them after you’ve become official. 

Important Dating Tips #4. Be mindful of your own stuff and where it truly comes from.

We all have baggage. We all have hang ups with emotions, needs, vulnerability, sex, intimacy, (etc) at one point or another. THIS IS NORMAL AND OK!  Instagram portrayals of loving relationships aren’t always real and our perceptions of what sex, independence or intimacy look like can be very skewed. Not understanding ourselves and just trying to be a version of who we think we should be, has potential of masking our insecurities and fears, (and later being the cause of many break ups). So of course we can’t find genuine connections if we interacting with people as our facade self. 

Being mindful of your own patterns and behaviors, as well as any past triggers and fears, can benefit you tremendously when exploring what you really want and need. Without exploring internally, you will most likely repeat the same patterns and find yourself attracting the same kind of people. Without understanding yourself to your core, you won’t be able to fully be vulnerable (emotionally or sexually) with a partner; and without understanding why you do what you do, you may continue to project (i.e. “I only date men who are unavailable!”), defend (i.e. “I can’t make more time because I work too much,”) and/or push away a potential partner who is really good for you.

My advice, go to therapy. 

Important Dating Tips #5. PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE IN PERSON

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to feel confident when you’re on vacation? You lose your daily insecurities and allow yourself to be present, have fun and maybe even a little outgoing with strangers? Like, actual strangers. You might connect to people while traveling in ways that you don’t normally in daily life. One of the biggest things to recognize is how lazy technology has made us as a culture and realize the impact that it has on your dating/social life. You may find yourself uncomfortable with even just saying hello to the person sitting next to you in yoga class, but have no problem initiating an online flirt. In so many ways, this is the problem with modern dating. My advice isn’t to ditch online dating altogether, but rather incorporate the confident profile-vacation-self in real life as often as possible. What’s the big deal if you say hello to someone and they are not interested? The initial sting of embarrassment or rejection quickly fades, while the burnout of online dating may not.

One quick and easy challenge, start being mindful of how often you are sending the message of being “closed” in person. Are you smiling? Are you giving eye contact? Are you acknowledging others? Are you interacting? If not…. well, start there!

You can easily google “important dating tips” looking for information on how to find a more fulfilling connection, but unfortunately, you’ll mostly run into more superficial dating tips that only reinforce the problem or just aren’t extremely helpful. I hope reading these important dating tips have been helpful to you and your dating process!

What do you think of these tips? Leave your comments below.

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Unique Ways to Connect : Top 5 reasons why it’s important to find different ways to connect with your partner

Unique ways to connect: The importance of finding different ways to sustain your connection. If you are reading this, you are probably in a relationship and are struggling with finding unique ways to connect with each other. You probably struggle at times with the difficulty of sustaining a genuine spark year after year. You may be frustrated with trying to find unique date night ideas, or struggle with coming up with new content to chat about over dinner. Maybe you and your partner feel so disconnected that you are contemplating if the spark is even possible to come back.

The “spark” is complex; it involves sexual chemistry, intellectual connection, emotional sensitivity, fun and spontaneity, friendship, companionship, etc, etc. When the spark starts to fizzle, it’s normal for us to feel scared, frustrated and even discouraged. We expect a lot of our partner/relationship and sometimes we can get overwhelmed when we aren’t feeling close.

Sometimes we expect our relationship’s spark and connection to sustain in the same way it developed when we first started dating. Of course, it would be ideal to have the honeymoon stage sustain throughout our entire relationship; but the reality is, that doesn’t exist. Nothing is permanent, but change. We have to detach from the expectation that “happiness” should be easy, or that our relationships shouldn’t require work when the spark starts to fizzle. Our spark is similar to a real flame. It burns out and needs to be reignited once in a while.

So why is it important to reignite the spark and find unique ways to connect with our partner year after year? Why is it important to establish unique ways to connect, even when we feel discouraged, resentful, frustrated, rejected and/or uncomfortable?

5 Important Reasons to Find Unique Ways to Connect with Your Partner:

Why it’s Important to Find Unique Ways to Connect #1: It revives your relationship on all levels.

Why is this important? Long term relationships get bored or stagnate easily. It’s common to get stuck in the day-to-day stressors and pressures, that we often forget to nurture our relationship in the same way we used to when we were first getting to know each other. Finding unique ways to connect can help you both get inspired to flirt, let go of day-to-day pressures and give yourselves permission to prioritize your relationship. Here’s a tip: Make it a priority to commit to one day per week and/or one hour daily that there are no external interruptions. Not even television. Make it a point to cook dinner together while you chat, listen to music, sip on wine. Go for a walk in a random neighborhood and make note of the houses and scenery. This can also be as simple as eating a meal together without your phones!

Why it’s Important to Find Unique Ways to Connect #2: It helps you fall in love all over again.

Falling in love is something we often grieve when we are in a long term relationship. We often miss the butterflies, the mystery and overall experience of learning about another person and merging our lives together. “Falling in love” was such a beautiful time in your relationship! When you find unique ways to connect, you may not even realize that this can promote the same chemical reaction (oxytocin, i.e. “the love hormone”) and can also help you feel similarly to when you initially started falling in love. Why is this important? It solidifies our bond, helps us feel reconnected and rejuvenates our overall relationship. Here’s a tip: tell each other three things daily that you are grateful for that your partner did, does, is, etc. Verbally affirming to each other the things you appreciate allow your partner to feel validated and appreciated, which helps both of you get out of the rut of taking advantage of each other.

Why it is Important to Find Unique Ways to Connect #3: It gives you permission to be vulnerable with each other.

You may not even realize this, but regardless of how long you have been together, you are still working on building safety and vulnerability in your relationship. Maybe the initial vulnerable hurdle was saying you loved each other; then it maybe lead to an occasional toot in bed; then the vulnerability got really heavy when one of you experienced a loss of a job or a family member. We are constantly growing and changing; life is constantly moving. Each new day, month and year activates new challenges and new experiences. Vulnerability is the key to any successful relationship and when we exercise our vulnerable selves within the relationship, we are actually building more and more trust within each other. This is incredibly bonding and important to continue to nurture throughout your relationship. Here’s a tip: Do something once a month, once a quarter or season that scares you or is something you have never done before. This can be an activity that you do together (sky diving, improv comedy, karaoke, sex shop); this can also be a difficult conversation (about intimacy, sex, etc). Try to continue to push yourselves to strengthen vulnerability.

Why it is Important to Find Unique Ways to Connect #4: It forces you both the learn more about each other.

You may think you know everything about each other, but that assumption is because you got lazy and forgot to keep exploring. Your partner is constantly evolving and there is something about them that you probably don’t really know, understand and/or spend a lot of time being curious about. Learning more about each other helps you both continue to be curious. Curiosity is sexy and builds desire! Here’s a tip: Go to counseling even though you may not be “fighting” or “in a bad place” and have the therapist prompt questions for both of you to process and explore together. Counseling does not have to be a place only intended to “fix” your relationship; in fact, it can be a safe place for both of you to enhance your relationship and prevent future issues.

Why it is Important to Find Unique Ways to Connect #5: It reinforces the reason(s) you fell in love in the first place.

Let’s face it, we naturally take life and our relationships for granted from time to time. We lose sight of what’s really important and meaningful. We often forget the reasons why we choose our person and often fall into the trap of comparisons or doubt when our relationship isn’t going as smoothy as we hope. Here’s a tip: Reminisce about your “firsts,” go to the place you had your first vacation, date, adventure. Verbalize to each other how you felt when you both fell in “like” and in love with each other. Another idea, try check out The Modern Love Box that offers communication activities and luxury promotes to inspire and enhance connection.

Take the Love Quiz and check your relationship’s pulse!

The Modern Love Box is a subscription box created to inspire couples to find unique ways to connect with each other and enhance all levels of their relationship. Use promo code MLC35 for 35% off!

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