Why Does My Partner Need Space?

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box

If you have found yourself disheartened with the question, “Why does my partner need space when we argue?” this article may be just what you need in order to build more understanding. Most couples find themselves at times in an repeated conflictual cycle that gets easily activated and is often challenging to repair. Regardless of what you’re arguing about, one person seems to always want space, while the other is desperate to talk things out immediately. This can be frustrating and painful for both parties, as the build up of vulnerable insecurities and resentment can start to ruin the emotional safety in the relationship.

Yikes!

A common complaint in couples therapy is this exact issue. “My partner always walks away from me and we inevitably never solve anything.” or “My partner can’t seem to respect me when I say over and over again to leave me alone…  I need space. I feel pushed until I explode.” The person desiring immediate resolve often feels abandoned, anxious and betrayed; while the person desiring space often feels violated, controlled and is terrified of saying the wrong thing. Unfortunately, both parties don’t express themselves in ways the other person can truly hear, so they continue this vicious cycle of misunderstanding for months or even years. This issue is often the catalyst that brings couples into therapy… or eventually separates them.

“I am fighting for our relationship not fighting against it, but she only sees me as a bully. I don’t know how to make her realize I’m scared to lose her.” -T.D, 32

If you’re in a relationship, then you understand that this cycle feels really defeating if you can’t find mutual validation and repair. After the hundredth time of getting stuck in this cycle, the two of you are probably questioning the relationship and may even become shells of yourselves. As an attachment based therapist, I want to assure you that this cycle comes up in every relationship I have ever worked with and/or heard about in my personal life. This is because we are human and we all have a deep seeded fear of abandonment or rejection in one form or another. On some basic level we may have felt these ways growing up or in a past relationship(s), and this can make our fears even harder to cope with in our current partnership when we can’t seem to get on the same team. Often our innate reactions to perceived threats of rejection, ridicule and/or abandonment come from deep attachment wounds of past experiences that we may not even be aware we have or know how they are correlated.

No human is perfect and regardless of how loving your relationship is, or how much trust and respect you have for each other, sometimes your innate fight or flight response can be triggering for your partner; thus causing the cycle. My husband and I also have a cycle (I call it a “dance”) and I express to my clients that it is important to normalize it, as well as set realistic goals on how to “solve” it together. Instead of looking at your disconnect through the lens of blame, victimhood and/or righteousness, try looking at it as conflicting biological responses to the threat of losing the relationship. When you need repair right away, maybe it’s because you were abandoned by a parent or ex-partner and when you perceive your current partner has had enough, you instinctually panic. It may be irrational, but this is why we have to be gentle with ourselves. We are wired to automatically respond to perceived threats to keep us alive. Most likely your partner just happens to have a differing defense mechanism (freeze or flight) that has kept them “safe.”  If we never get to the level of understanding why we respond the way that we respond, we may end up subconsciously sabotaging our relationship and repeating trauma from our past.

Although this “dance” isn’t fun and can cause a lot of heartbreak, it’s something worth exploring individually, as well as together, for ultimate growth and security building in the relationship.

When more seasoned couples say “relationships are hard work,” they are referring to learning how to establish a balance that neutralizes this cycle. The “work” is learning to recognize the cycle, understand yourself and your partner’s reactions and express your needs vulnerably, to truly be able to see each other’s perspectives and find healing.

Ideally, you would both learn the tools to effectively avoid the cycle altogether, but because this cycle won’t just vanish, you can learn the tools to repair the hurts and misunderstandings effectively so that issues don’t continue to repeat over and over. Sometimes this is only possible with a trained professional.

If your partner’s reaction is to shut down in moments of anxious conflict, I can see how this would feel rejecting and why you might fear abandonment. Especially if they get angry, stop talking altogether, or worse… physically leave. Instead of continuing to torture yourself with the question, “Why does my partner need space?” please read below the possible reasons to hopefully build more understanding of their innate defense mechanism.

Why Does My Partner Need Space? 5 Possible Reasons

1. They were criticized and/or rejected in their past from parents/caregivers and/or friends/ex partners. They may have gotten the message that what they have to say isn’t important or valid. They may have gotten the message that they were flawed in some profound way and thus doesn’t feel good enough.
2. They feel triggered by conflict. This may have to do with growing up with a lot of conflict with parents and/or siblings. This may also have to do with the opposite; they grew up without any conflict and feel very threatened by it. Either way, they struggle with easing their anxiety about confrontation and conflict.
3. They feel intimidated. Think of your partner like a beautiful clam that holds a precious pearl. When in moments of fear, the clam innately shuts itself off in an attempt to protect itself. Evolutionarily their shell is hard and cold, in an attempt to exhaust intruders and protect their vulnerable squishy insides. When closed, the clam feels safe. When open, even half way, the calm feels vulnerable. They are sensitive to predators and often assume they are in the hands of a giant attempting to pry open their shell forcefully with a knife. Eventually, their reaction may be to surrender defeatedly or grip tighter and tighter with a bite.
4. They are slower processors and under stressful situations, need more time to process their thoughts and feelings. You may argue well. You may articulate every feeling and thought you have. They don’t operate like that. Most likely, they feel intimated by your quickness and openness to feelings that they want to make sure they understand themselves before expressing the “wrong” thing. When pushed to communicate, they probably end up saying the “wrong” thing, thus making it harder for them to feel confident in trying to do it again. They may experience pressure from you to know how they feel, thus making it easier to compartmentalize and shut it down completely.
5. They don’t understand the argument/conflict. Sometimes, it is as simple as not understanding what the argument is about or agreeing that the argument is worth actually “arguing” about. Their attempt to shut down is an attempt to stop the argument from escalating. (Unfortunately, they don’t realize that feels like abandonment or dismissive to you).

If one of those reasons may be the cause of your partner’s reaction to flee situations or to shut down, hopefully you can understand with more compassion that they are not actively trying to hurt you. They most likely are not actively trying to torture you by withholding their feelings and thoughts. They aren’t attempting to make you feel abandoned or dismissed. The most advised next step is to seek couples counseling before this issue causes severe harm to your self esteem and relationship’s health.

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Here is a list of helpful questions to ask your couples therapist as you are exploring options for you and your partner.

When you are shopping around for couples therapists, it is important that you find someone you feel a connection with, right? Unfortunately, your search can feel really overwhelming at first, especially if you don’t have a personal referral from a trusty friend or family member. What do you even look for to identify if they are the right fit? First, start with searching therapists that have experience and specialities in the area in which you are seeking in your state. Second, read up on reviews and testimonials on google and yelp. Lastly, read up on bios/blogs/credentials. If after that research you decide you would like to move forward in a phone consultation, reach out to schedule one.

The process to couples therapy can feel daunting in-it-of-itself, especially if you have never experienced it before. So to help the initial nervousness, schedule a free consultation with potential couples therapists to determine fit before you start the counseling process and ask these these questions. (An additional tip: Do the research and consultation together!)

Here is a list of helpful questions to ask your couples therapist to help you both determine if you will work well together:

1. What are your specialities?
2. How comfortable are you with supporting us with the needs that we have?
3. What does your process look like?
4. How would you describe your counseling style?
5. What can we expect from you as our Couples Therapist?
6. How much do you charge?
7. How long do sessions lasts?
8. Do you advise a certain amount of sessions?
9. Describe your ideal client.

Based off the answers to these questions and your sense of the therapist’s personality and style, you both may have a better idea of who you’d like to work with.

Do you have other questions to ask your couples therapist that we left out? Let us know! If you’re interested in scheduling a free 15 minute consultation with us, please fill out a contact form and we contact you within 48 hours!

The post Questions to Ask Your Couples Therapist appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

What to Expect in Couples Therapy 

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box

“What to expect in couples therapy?” Is an important question you may be asking yourselves if you have never done it before. Counseling in general may seem overwhelming, as you know it can drudge up feelings that you have been trying to keep dormant for a loooooong time. Add your partner in the mix and it can feel even more daunting as you both feel uncomfortable feelings. Often times, people that have never done couples therapy can feel nervous that the boat is going to tip over, not just rock. Couples can feel nervous about the process bringing to light that they are not meant to be together. All reasons for feeling nervous about reaching out and exploring couples therapy are completely valid and incredibly common. (And yes, the boat will rock and it may even tip over. Yes, you could potentially discover that you aren’t wanting to pursue your relationship; but please know that in my 8 years of counseling, I rarely find that the boat completely sinks).

If you are confused with what to expect in couples therapy, take a deep breath. This blog will hopefully help you and your partner get a sense of what to expect in couples therapy and what are some potential red flags that could indicate you are not seeing the right couples therapist.

I do want to preface this list with an awareness that not all therapists are the same. Each of us has our own style, approach and philosophies. It is crucial to schedule a consultation with potential couples therapists in your area before scheduling an appointment to better determine fit. (Check out these important questions to ask your couples therapist).

What to Expect in Couples Therapy:

The couples therapist should be direct (way more direct than what you may have encountered in individual therapy).

This is because we have to be able to help the two of you navigate the intricate dance of your conflict style and we cannot be helpful in getting to your goals if we aren’t incredibly directive. A competent couples therapist should be willing to direct the sessions to help you both experience a different way to communicate with each other.

If you’re working with our practice, expect that we will see you both for for one 55 minute individual session on week 2.

This is because we honor both of you equally and we find it is important to assess the whole person in addition to the relationship. We like to understand how you view the world and where you have come from that has helped shape this view. This individual session is not meant to be a time to just express grievances about your partner; it is intended to getting to know each of you on a more individualized level. This helps us better understand your language, point of view and triggers when we encounter them in couples therapy.

You both will equally feel heard, validated and respected, (and yes, even if one of you “messed up.”)

The competent couples therapist, will always see you objectively. This means, we aren’t here to point fingers or take sides. Regardless of what brings you into therapy, we are here to help the two of you understand each other.

You will learn tools to better communicate… eventually.

It can take a lot of time to heal, reconnect and/or effectively communicate. Often times, we are unpacking subconscious childhood issues that have caused barriers in your current relationship. We are working on creating a level of trust that most likely neither of you have experienced before. So please be patient with the process and don’t expect immediate results.

You may feel like your relationship is getting worse, before it starts to feel better.

I tell my clients that the process of counseling is often like the process of losing 20lbs. In theory, it’s easy; you eat less, you work out more. Unfortunately the process is often more challenging then the theory and you both may find yourselves at a point in therapy when you are sore for days and have zero interest returning to the gym because you are completely discouraged. We are complicated beings and we need to be patient with ourselves and each other, as well as constantly give grace to the messy process.

Expect a focus on the process in which the two of you relate to each other. Not a focus on the “he-said/she-said” content of rehashing the same argument over and over again.

This is because we are here to support you both in restructuring the way the two of you communicate and relate to each other in the bigger picture. Although content in arguments can be important and sometimes what we discuss, it won’t be the constant focal point because it truly gets us no where. You are not paying to have your therapist watch you argue.

You’ll feel exposed.

Couples therapy is a vulnerable process and you may not always feel fully comfortable letting your guard down. This is normal! We will guide you.

Expect to argue in front of your couples therapist.

It is OK to argue in front of your couples therapist sometimes and know that it’s actually helpful for us to see how the two of you communicate. This is when we will often jump in to help slow things down and de-escalate the situation and help the two of you be more vulnerable.

Expect the couples therapist to interrupt you.

Part of our job is to help hold you both (lovingly) accountable for your unconscious actions, as well help the two of you process your emotions and pain effectively. We may interrupt you because we want to help the two of you discover your vulnerabilities, not just sit with your defensiveness and unprocessed reactions.

Expect to at least address sex.

It’s important to at least address sex, as it is a big part of your intimate relationship. A competent couples therapist will at least ask questions about your sex life even if we don’t stay on the topic. It’s important to know that sex and communication around sex is welcome in couples therapy.

Expect to learn more about yourself and your partner.

For better or worse… It will all be empowering in the end.

Red Flags That Indicate You Are Not Seeing The Right Couples Therapist:

• The couples therapist just listens and never directs you two.
• The couples therapist never interrupts or helps the two of you de-escalate from heighten emotions/arguments.
• The couples therapist doesn’t help you both reframe conflict or help you see things from each other’s different perspective.
• The couples therapist doesn’t spend equal time hearing both of you (or address why they are spending more time with one person over the other strategically).
• The couples therapist takes sides overtly.
• The couples therapist never discusses sex, even if sex isn’t an issue.
• The couples therapist lets you drive every session.
• The couples therapist never addresses the elephant in the room.

Interested in scheduling an appointment with us? We are a small team of Relationship Therapists that specialize in couples and sex therapy. Please fill out a contact form and we will contact you within 48 hours!

The post What to Expect in Couples Therapy appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

How to Support Your Partner with Anxiety : 5 Things to Try

If you’ve never struggled with anxiety, anxiety attacks, panic or excessive worry, than it may be challenging for you to know how to support your partner when they do. Being someone that has had GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) for most of my life, it can be challenging to feel understood. Even having an ability to understand GAD from a clinical standpoint, it can still be difficult to explain my experience or know how to self soothe at times.

I self disclose this because I think it is important for people to understand that anxiety and anxiety disorders can have an impact on anyone. Anxiety is complex and there isn’t a one-size fits all remedy or “fix.” Although women are twice as likely to have anxiety disorders than men, during my counseling career I have noticed that many men experience anxiety without realizing it.

People that experience debilitating anxiety may tell you they feel insecure or ashamed. “I would try to hide my anxiety because I was so embarrassed for being stressed out about dying. I’d notice a new birthmark and would immediately dwell and google skin cancer for days. I was convinced in my fear stricken state that I was dying, yet my rational brain would often say, ‘You’re fine…’ It was almost as if I couldn’t trust which voice to listen to, so I just kept searching online for reassurance until I was so physically and emotionally upset that I couldn’t get out of bed. It wasn’t until then that my partner really started to understand how complex and heavy my anxiety really could become. I was so afraid he would minimize my experience and tell me how stupid I was; I didn’t know how to ask for support, let alone confront him with my fears, so I would often just close him off and then we would get into an argument.” – Alexis, 32. This is an example of health anxiety, which many researchers think close to 15% of the population may struggle with this particular disorder. Someone struggling with health anxiety is often misunderstood and can be dismissed by others around them, including doctors or professionals.

Social anxiety is also very common and many people mask their symptoms by engaging in alcohol or recreational drugs to soothe their fears. This can lead to relational arguments and misunderstandings. It is easy to make assumptions that your partner is just being shy, closed off or awkward; they have a drinking problem or they are socially rude. It is important to understand the root cause, because these may be signs that link to anxiety management instead.

If your partner is struggling with anxiety and you don’t quite understand how to support them, please try these tips:

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #1

Don’t (ever) tell them to “calm down,” “chill out,” or “don’t worry about it.” Although the intent may be supportive, it comes across insensitive and dismissive for the partner struggling with soothing their nervous system and intrusive thoughts. It may seem counterintuitive but try validating their anxiety instead. Validating their anxiety can actually help them put a name to their experience, while also helping them feel understood. “You’re feeling anxious… It’s ok. I’m here.”

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #2

When your partner is not feeling anxious, try to understand what their anxiety is like for them. Ask questions like, “What does it feel like in your body?” “What thoughts do you have when you’re anxious?” or “Do you know what triggers it for you?” or “What helps you when you’re feeling that way?”

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #3

During an anxiety attack, remind them to breathe. Deep and long inhales/exhales are incredibly helpful for their nervous system to calm and can distract their mind from continued panic.

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #4

If your partner has a particular diagnosis, educate yourself on it. By researching what anxiety is, it can be more helpful for you to understand the symptoms from a more objective place.

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #5

Support your partner in seeking a professional help if they aren’t seeing someone already.

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #6

Give your partner some grace and always try to exercise compassion. It may be hard to relate to and understand anxiety personally, (or rationally), but the more compassion you can express, the more your partner will feel comforted.

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Couples Counseling Denver : Top 5 Reasons Couples are Seeking Counseling Services in 2022 

Sometimes, seeking couples counseling in Denver may feel like the last resort. Maybe it’s the investment; maybe it’s the fear of what drudging up past issues will do to your relationship; maybe it’s the fear of the unknown. All of these concerns are valid and completely common. Couples Counseling, along with traditional Individual Counseling, isn’t always a walk in the park. In fact, counseling can often feel more like your first 14’er. Included with unpredictable weather and the last minute realization that you completely under packed! Once you get to the “top,” you feel accomplished and confident in yourself, until you realize you have to get back down… ugh.

Like any impactful change, counseling requires commitment. Commitment to being challenged and a commitment to trusting the process. If your relationship has been through the ringer recently (especially within the last 2 years of the COVID era), you aren’t alone. To normalize the desire to seek couples counseling Denver, I wanted to share some of the trends this year that we are seeing post COVID that are bringing couples into our virtual offices. The year 2020-to present day has had a huge impact on our relationships and if you are on the fence about reaching out, please know that couples counseling is here to support your relationship. This is what we were trained to do!

Here are the recent top 5 reasons couples are reaching out to our practice for couples counseling Denver:

#1 To Discuss Family Planning

With the past couple years we have all endured, it would make sense that couples are struggling with future planning. Life pretty much flipped upside down and a lot of things shifted our original plans and goals. Couples are seeking support to discuss fears and/or any build up of resentment about the changes they are experiencing about the unknown of their future planning. If your plans have changed and you aren’t sure how to get back on track, we can help!

#2 To Repair Infidelity

More so than usual, I am seeing an increase with couples contacting us for help with recent affairs or even past infidelity that they had never fully repaired. Maybe there is a coincidence with the last couple years being so taxing on our relationships, maybe not. Maybe the disconnect between partners and any past infidelity has become impossible to ignore. Either way, if you’re struggling with infidelity in any sense, we are here to support both of you with an unbiased and non-judgmental stance.

#3 To Stop Having Consistent Arguments

Couples are mentioning that because of last couple year’s changes, they may have found themselves in the house together more without a lot of outlets. In addition, they both may have been struggling with work/life balance, which has resulted in more consistent arguments. Even if the arguments themselves are not “the problem,” couples are expressing the need to unpack them and understand why they are having more of them in the first place. Couples are seeking the tools to better navigate the transitions in the world, as well as the impacts they have had on their mental health and relationships. Couples are wanting the tools to better repair conflict and build healthy boundaries so consistent arguments don’t consume their day-to-day.

#4 To Better Communicate

Still one of the most popular reasons couples seek support is to better communicate. If 2020 has shown us anything, it is that the unexpected happens sometimes and it is purely out of our control. This can heighten stress and anxiety, which most likely bleeds into your relationship. As mentioned, couples are also struggling with boundaries and personal time. It can be challenging to communicate effectively if you feel overwhelmed and smothered by day-to-day responsibilities. Maybe the two of you haven’t had a “date night” in forever, or you can’t seem to work up the energy to have sex. Maybe your needs aren’t being address and you’re both not prioritizing your relationship in the ways you once did. All of these factors can affect your communication style, which can impact the entire relationship. We can help you both learn to vulnerably communicate, as well as hear each other before making assumptions or getting triggered.

#5 To Help with Social/Familial Dynamics

Because of the challenging years we have all endured, our social outlets and support systems have changed. Maybe it has decreased or maybe there have been a conflict of values that have emerged. Either way, this can be very disheartening during a time when you feel you need others the most. Same goes with family. Maybe the social, political and religious polarities have divided your family and these shifts have caused hurt feelings or tensions in your relationship. Either way, we can’t deny that everyone has their own take on the world and if you find yourself in conflict about it (with anyone you care about) it can be isolating and frustrating. We can help you both get on the same page and work towards building a plan at setting boundaries and working on acceptance together as a team.

“We couldn’t be more grateful for finding Alysha. It’s been about 14 months since we met her and she helped us figure out the right tools and communication techniques to work through arguments on our own. My boyfriend moved in about 6 months before quarantine in 2020, and it was a tough adjustment for both of us when we were more or less the only human interaction each other had. She helped me understand where my partner was coming from (and why) in ways I would have never navigated on my own, and we’re in an amazing place now. Couldn’t recommend her – and her style of getting to know us – any more!

Real Client Testimonial | Lindsay from Denver

If you are looking for Couples Counseling Denver, we are here to help! Remember, we still specialize in preventative counseling and intimacy enhancement. Couples continue to come to us wanting to explore deeper areas of their relationship and it doesn’t always have to be prompted by stressors in the relationship. Read more about what really brings couples into counseling. 

Contact us today to schedule a FREE 15 minute consult! At the moment we are only offering virtual sessions that you can conveniently access in the comfort of your own home.

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Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : 5 Things to Consider

So you’re having a baby! Or thinking about it… With all that spare time during 2020 transitions, it makes sense that there is a huge baby boom on the rise. It’s exciting and scary… and all of the things, right?! So how do you prepare? Having my first baby was one of the most unpredictable experiences I have ever gone through in my life. Even being a Relationship Therapist, I was not prepared for what I encountered as a new mother, or the challenges I would face in my own marriage after we became parents. A lot changed for me/us; and in fact, even two years after our daughter was born, a lot continues to change.

I decided to write about how to prepare your relationship for new baby, because I truly believe many parents do not discuss how challenging being a new parent can be openly. Not that I want to project my experiences, or jinx your’s, but I wanted to reach out to those new parents that could relate or new parents trying to become aware of the potential shifts in their new phase(s) of life… especially during the inconvenience and uncertainties of Covid. As a brand new mom, I remember feeling isolated, confused and really resentful for (what felt like) a really long time. I wasn’t immediately joyous, elated and put-together as every Instagram story glorifies. (I gave up Instagram after I became a mom by the way; it did nothing but make me feel inadequate, lonely and angry at our society). My isolation only intensified when I realized I couldn’t share these feelings with anyone without the fear of being judged as a “terrible mom.” Nothing could have prepared me for the conflicting feelings I experienced and unfortunately, no one had ever shared their challenges as a new parent with me so I felt completely lost.

I was confused by my feelings and resentful toward my partner, as I perceived his life had barely changed while mine flipped upside down. I was terrified when our daughter unexpectedly came a month early; only weighing 4lbs and although she was thankfully healthy (just tiny), she cried constantly when we brought her home for the first 4 months of her life. We had to feed her donor milk through a tube for weeks, while I desperately pumped every 90 minutes (in between trying to breast feed every 60 minutes) to activate my milk supply. She didn’t sleep more than 4 hour blocks for almost the entire first year of her life. To say the least, I.. was… spent. Exhaustion was an understatement and I oscillated between guilt of not wanting to be in this role to pure comfort when I finally felt a grip of calm presence with her effectively nursing or cuddling. She was truly a gift, but I had NO idea what I was in for.

As new parents, our relationship dwindled at times and we really struggled with the adjustment to parenthood even after being together for over a decade. There were times we said it was almost too much, (I can finally understand why people divorce after children, because there did come points where we considered it). Although that wasn’t want I really wanted, I think I was desperate for a “break,” and the only logical “break” I saw myself able to control was the one in my marriage. Thankfully, this didn’t have to be our default solution (and really it wouldn’t have solved much anyway), and we managed to work through a lot as we juggled raising our daughter together. Now we just have to continue to practice these tools while we juggle raising our toddler during COVID with no childcare! This… is… LIFE, right?

Again, my story is not to stress or scare anyone; it’s also not meant to say that your experience will be this challenging. I’m sure there are many new parents out there that are a lot more mentally and emotionally prepared to adjust to the changes than we were, (which would have made our situation significantly easier!) We chose to wait to have a baby until we were in our early to mid 30s and had already been together for 10 years. Life as we knew it was fun and filled with selfish freedom. We never wanted children, but considered it one time and then quickly got pregnant. We didn’t have a lot of understanding of how it was going to change our lives until it did.

So, if you have any fears, or you are going through a big adjustment personally and in your relationship after having a baby; please do not feel alone! You are normal… Parenthood is just as beautiful and rewarding, as it is devastating and draining.

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : #1 Bask in the Glory of Being a Duo

While you’re preparing for baby, enjoy being the two of you… Like really. It will never just be the two of you ever again. I know this tip is so cliche; so many people told us while I was pregnant to “enjoy date nights” or go on a “babymoon,” but literally nothing could have prepared us to fully realize the extent of what that meant to our duo partnership. Instead of stressing about traveling for a babymoon (especially during COVID), I’d suggest being more intentional about deepening your intimacy even if you are at home in quarantine. Explore your sexy time, deepen your conversations, create something sacred that you do together every week or month and carry that ritual with you when baby arrives. Cuddle a lot, relax and be lazy; SLEEP. Really try your bests to not take these moments together for granted, because these freedoms will become nonexistent for a period of time.

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : #2 Discuss Parental Roles and Responsibilities

If you haven’t already, have a real conversation about what you both would like your roles and responsibilities to look like when baby comes. Are you taking time off work? If so, how long? Will you need help? If so, for how long? Who will be helping? What are your options during Covid? How much are you both willing to spend on help? Is someone staying home? What are their responsibilities? Who wakes up with the baby at night? Are there any foreseeable adjustments to your finances if someone isn’t working as much or at all? If so, how does this affect your lifestyles? How much do you need to pay out of pocket to have a baby? Do you have insurance, what does that cover? What are your fears? Etc… Etc. Having these conversations are beneficial when attempting to create a practical partnership, as making assumptions about these things can definitely cause disappointment and resentment. These conversations help both of you feel on the same team and when baby comes, you may alter the plan, but at least the two of you have some understanding about what it practically looks like.

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : #3 Work on Underlying Issues Beforehand

It could be a good idea to start couples counseling while you’re planning or preparing your relationship for new baby. The reason being, often having a baby only glorifies the issues that have always been a struggle in your relationship. Tack on sleep deprivation and hormones; working on painful reoccurring issues in your relationship are going to be the last thing you want to give your precious energy to. Counseling can also be very helpful with learning how to have challenging conversations about values, conflicting ideas or parenting, and/or your intimacy and body/hormonal changes. It’s important to realize that having a baby only illuminates issues verses mends them and even if for a period of time those issues go away, they will most likely resurface while the two of you are struggling with managing any down time, (which can be frustrating).

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : #4 Work on letting go of control

Again, cliche, I know; but this is a big one. If you are a Type A, disciplined and planned out person like I was, (and especially if you are going to be carrying the baby), it is crucial for you to learn how to relinquish control, as well as refuse responsibility of all the things you can’t. This is a tough one, because maybe your entire life you have been in control of your decisions and body and it has served you well. Unfortunately, being pregnant and the actual labor process is often never as you plan. Your baby’s temperament or needs are often never as you plan. (Again, something I/we learned the hard way). We thought we could control the outcomes of everything and keep our lives totally the same; we would laugh and say to ourselves, “not our life” when people would come up to me with a huge belly and tell us jokingly, “say goodbye to your alone time you two!” We always thought that if we worked hard enough, we could make anything happen. We would say to each other “our relationship will always come first, then baby.” I laugh at that now because for us, that wasn’t possible and we still struggle with making that possible sometimes. Our reality was, the needs of our baby had to come first, which made our alone time individually and our together time lack. Work on being more gentle with yourself and possibly explore some individual counseling to help you better prepare for accepting the unknowns that will inevitably pop up in your journey.

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : #5 Be prepared to grieve

This doesn’t mean life won’t be fun again, or that your body won’t heal, but the process of grieving what was can be really challenging if you aren’t prepared to lose and adjust to those changes of your life/self. After having a baby, you change. Period. This isn’t a “good” or “bad” thing, it just is. After having a baby, you have to make adaptions to things you have never had to be confronted with before. This was really painful for my experience, as I judged myself for having these feelings and suppressed them for a long time. I thought something was wrong with me for not being able to be the “badass super human” I had always identified with before; in the past, the old me was able to multitask and have a great work/life/healthy relationship balance. After becoming a mom I was lucky if I remembered to brush my teeth sometimes. I became bombarded with things I had never fathomed prior to being a mom; like the stress of how many ounces I was pumping in a day in between a full day of clients, all while struggling with the guilt of being away from my new baby. I couldn’t keep up with the demands that had once motivated me to be a perfectionist. I was failing.. at everything. Guilt consumed me constantly. I stopped cooking meals from scratch or going to yoga weekly as I once loved to do. Instead, I subconsciously put pressure on myself to be the best wife, the most attentive mom, and caring therapist. I convinced myself I could do it all. It was almost as if I was suffering from an identity crisis as I was secretively failing to accept my new body and my new life, while I literally couldn’t tap into myself again. I felt like I lost my essence completely. I had gone from being a purposeful, successful, ball juggling health nut that prioritized all elements of my relationship daily, to a sloppy, stressed, milk-producing robot that lost her spirit and had no alone time. To be 100% honest, I still struggle with this sometimes due to the demands of watching our daughter full time during Covid. BUT… here’s the catch, if we talk about it, we release the pressures and demands. If we explore our insecurities, understand where our demands of ourselves and others are coming from, than we can work on letting them go. If we become more aware of our pain, it dissipates. The more we allow ourselves to talk to our partner, our support systems, our therapist, the more we are able to restructure the expectations that don’t serve us, as well as heal from the emotional turmoil and stress that comes with being a parent.

As I mentioned, having a baby has moments of joy and beauty, as well as moments of sadness and grief. I’m brave enough to talk about this part, because I know many parents struggle with admitting this process. You will grieve parts of your old life; whether it be your freedom, energy levels, sex-drive, body, or relationship. You will go through a process in which you may want to fight hard to get all of these things back and you may struggle with this because, you can’t.

I share with you all my vulnerable story to help you all understand that this process is a journey for sure and there is no perfect outcome. Even though life causes us struggles sometimes, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent or a bad person. It doesn’t mean you are failing at life, it means you are learning from it.

Interested in getting support from us through couples therapy or individual (new mom) therapy? Contact us today! We would be honored to help!

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5 Things to try if you don’t feel heard : Feeling unheard or misunderstood in your relationship can be incredibly isolating. It can also be exhausting when you’ve tried everything you can to explain how you’re feeling and your partner still doesn’t hear you. 

I often hear my clients report that their biggest complaint in their relationship(s) is that they aren’t being heard. They feel they communicate effectively and express themselves clearly. So what is the problem? 

There is most likely a disconnect because your partner’s perception is totally different or they don’t know what to do with the information you are expressing. We may not intend to do this, but we often end up trying to change our partner’s perception when we aren’t feeling validated. This causes conflict and we then get stuck defending why our perspective is right. 

The reality, is neither of you are right, but both of you are valid. When we struggle with being heard, it can often be contributed to how we are being perceived. Although we don’t have any control over how other’s perceive us, we can work on our expression of vulnerability and detach from our partner’s response if they have a reaction that isn’t fulfilling to us.

We also have to remember, our partner is an insecure child inside at times of feeling triggered and they have their own demons they are battling. If they are reactive to our feedback or vulnerability, it may be tangled up with their own deep seeded struggles. This doesn’t give anyone a free pass to be abusive, but if you perceive your partner is guarded, defensive, attacking or blaming, we can try our best to understand why without personalizing it. Their reaction may not have everything to do with us. 

There is also huge difference between communicating clearly, (which involves little to no emotional exposure) and communicating vulnerably (which has everything to do with exposure and letting down your guard). Which do you often do? 

Here are 5 things to try if you don’t feel heard: 

#1 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Exercise your emotional intelligence. 

It is essential to know what you are feeling! Seems simple enough, but often times we don’t really know what we are feeling, we just know we are uncomfortable. This leads us to subconsciously project onto our partner. We then create an expectation and are disappointed when they don’t fulfill our needs. Understanding our own vulnerable emotions is crucial for your partner to fully understand them, too. How helpful would it be for you to be aware that you feel insecure about how you look, prior to having an upset reaction with your partner when you project that they are looking at stranger with a wandering eye?

#2 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Don’t default to anger. 

When we feel dismissed, it’s hard not to default to anger. Anger is a special emotion, because it “protects” our inner fears. It helps us feel powerful in moments when we may feel really small. Instead of expressing anger, practice exposing your fear, insecurities or hurt to your partner. Anger will most likely always set off your partner’s defense mechanism(s) and you won’t end up feeling heard anyway. 

#3 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Be aware of your accusations.

I often her my clients say to their partner, “I HAVE TOLD YOU SO MANY TIMES THAT IT PISSES ME OFF WHEN YOU CONTINUE TO ACT AGGRESSIVE WHEN I’M TRYING TO EXPRESS MYSELF. YOU APPARENTLY DON’T CARE OR LISTEN.” As an objective party, I can understand that this person is trying to express their hurt feelings by expressing their tolerance is low; they are feeling defeated and most likely really sad. As an objective party, I can also understand how this expression is hard for their partner to hear with compassion, because the stance is accusatory and it’s being expressed from anger. Now, we get caught in a dance of arguing about who’s right, because most likely your partner wants to (naturally) defend a misrepresentation of themselves that they don’t agree with. So if you want your partner to understand you, not defend themselves, you have to be very mindful of how you are expressing your perspective. The second you accuse, (ex: “You did ______,” or “You always do this______,”) is the second your partner flips the switch and stops listening to you. It’s important to try to express your perception by expressing, (ex: “Maybe this isn’t your intention, but I perceive you shut down when I try to talk to you sometimes and it really hurts me. I feel dismissed and rejected.” 

#4 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Practice humility. 

Humility is important in a partnership. It requires you look into the mirror and acknowledge that maybe you aren’t right, or maybe you aren’t being vulnerable. It helps us take ownership of our behavior when our behavior isn’t congruent to our feelings. It’s important to confront your partner with humility and own your projections when you can’t catch them in the moment, (ex: “I’m sorry I came at you today with anger and accusations. I know you don’t intentionally mean to dismiss me. I’m really hurt and feel disconnected from you and instead of saying that, I got angry.”) Please remember that in a partnership, no one is to blame. Both people actively contribute to conflict, disconnect and hurt feelings. 

#5 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Try to give your partner the benefit of the doubt by recreating your narrative about their intentions. 

Maybe you struggle with conflict or are sensitive to your partner’s moods/reactions. If you try your hardest to avoid the scenario of feeling dismissed or having a disagreement, you may not even realize that you start to suppress your feelings over time. This eventually leads to an angry outburst from a nasty narrative you’ve created about your partner’s intentions, (ex: “He really doesn’t care about me,” or “She is so needy or selfish.”) Our attempt to avoid conflict ends up being more conflictual because we have stopped trying to see our partner with compassion and understanding, (ex: “Maybe he doesn’t listen to be at times because he’s under a lot of pressure and feels like he is failing at everything. When I tell him I’m hurt with him, he just hears how much of a failure he is all over again,” or “She feels so disconnected from everyone right now and it must be really difficult for her to feel disconnected from me, she just misses me.”)

In a partnership, we have to constantly work on ourselves. This is key. If we constantly default to blame and aggression, we will never be heard or understood. In the Denver area and need help with this? Give us a shout! We are happy to help!

Thanks for reading 5 Things to Try if You Don’t Feel Heard! Leave any feedback or comments below. 

The post Things to Try if You Don’t Feel Heard : 5 Ways to Express Yourself Differently appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

5 Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship

Maybe you know the ways your childhood impacts your relationship(s). Maybe you’ve never thought about it. As an Attachment Based Therapist, I see the impacts of bonds and relationships. From my perspective, strong bonds are what keep us grounded, feeling confident and secure in ourselves and our world around us. I believe, we all need and desire to feel safe and secure; this is what motivates a lot of us. Unfortunately, we get stuck in our (not so helpful) coping strategies that ultimately deny us of this and we often don’t even realize we do this. Especially in our adult relationships.

Do you ever wonder why you do the things that you do? Do you ever look at yourself objectively and ask yourself, “What’s really going on for me?”

Well… It may be time to start.

Here are 5 ways your childhood impacts your relationship(s).

5 Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship :  #1 You Don’t Trust Easily

Trust is the foundation of any relationship. When we as adults struggle with trusting others, it may be due to deep rooted issues from past ruptures with the people we were innately supposed to trust. If our parents neglected us, abandoned us, abused us, criticized us and/or created a relationship that was conditional, we don’t realize that we innately feel a sense of insecurity as we evolve into our environment and sense of self as we grow. This doesn’t mean our parents didn’t love us– this doesn’t mean you don’t love your parents. This may mean that the tools they had weren’t always effective. Often, our parents “did the best that they could with what they had,” but that doesn’t mean the impact of those tools (or lack of) should be dismissed. It had an impact! 

If our parents or caretakers don’t give us the unconditional space to be human (i.e. having emotions, mess up, etc), then we start internalizing emotions and start adapting to our insecurities by mistrusting others around us and becoming protective of ourselves in many different ways.

What you can do: It is important to understand that trust is difficult for everyone regardless of their past. If you experienced some form of disconnect with your caretakers and/or parents growing up, it’s important to acknowledge and give yourself permission to see how it may have grown into a bigger sensitivity for you and may be something you struggle with even to this day. Acknowledging this doesn’t mean you have to blame your parents for everything; this doesn’t mean you don’t love them; this doesn’t mean you are betraying them. This means you are acknowledging yourself and your needs as a child– which is extremely validating and OK to do.

5 Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship : #2 You Need a lot of Reassurance

If we forge an insecure bond with our parents or caretakers in infancy and childhood, (whether it’s because they were helicopter parents and never allowed us to have any sense of autonomy, or because they were never around or abused us), we innately develop a sense of insecurity and doubt in ourselves.

Maybe we weren’t given the reassurance as children that was necessary for us to feel a sense of confidence in ourselves to explore and make mistakes; maybe we weren’t ever acknowledged to begin with. Maybe, we were acknowledged too much and everything we did was critiqued or validated in positive way.

If everything we did in our parent’s eyes was unseen, seen under a microscope, or seen through rose-colored glasses, we weren’t given the space to feel confident in our own achievements, flaws and mistakes.

How does this impact your relationship? Well, to start, you may find yourself really defensive and it may be because you’re feeling insecure. Instead of giving your partner an opportunity to reassure you, you push them away with your defensiveness because you’re struggling and don’t know how to soothe or feel comforted.

What you can do: Recognize where your need for reassurance comes from. Did you receive too much reassurance as a child; did you never receive kudos?  Why might this be a trigger for you? Then practice how to reassure yourself internally. Try to work on being aware of your self talk when you find yourself feeling insecure. Can you try to work on reassuring and validating yourself in the way that you always needed it? This can be helpful to start practicing and identifying for yourself, (it’s also extremely empowering when you start putting it into practice!) It is also helpful to be able to articulate a need to your partner, “I’m feeling scared about this job interview, can you tell me I’m going to do a great job?”

5 Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship : #3 You Struggle with Intimacy

From my perspective, “vulnerability” is when you expose a piece of yourself that you don’t tend to expose to everyone. Vulnerability is when you take a risk and are 100% authentic. “Intimacy” is when vulnerability is reciprocated with another person. This can be sexual, mental, and emotional. Levels of intimacy and vulnerability are built on the foundation of trust.

If you find yourself struggling with any form of intimacy, it could be because you had a difficult time growing up feeling safe opening up and being yourself. Maybe you felt misunderstood a lot; maybe you felt dismissed a lot. Maybe, you struggled with feeling disappointment by your parents and nothing you could do was ever good enough. These messages play a huge role in our adult self talk and innate reactions to emotion. This affects our intimacy because we aren’t allowing ourselves to feel comfortable or confident in our authentic selves. We aren’t being present with our partners, because we are stuck in our coping mechanism of protecting our authenticity. We aren’t trusting that our partner has got our back and will be there for us even if we aren’t perfect or even if they see us as “weak.”

What you can do: Intimacy requires trust. Trust requires consistency and risk taking. It’s a scary little dance, but it’s all worth it in the end if you allow safe people in. Your partner may be craving to connect with you, but you don’t even realize how often you deny or dismiss forms of intimacy with them because your coping mechanism takes over. Try to become more aware of your partners bids of connection and take note of what you are feeling, what you are struggling with and maybe ask yourself, “Why am I not willing to be open right now?”

5 Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship : #4 You Feel Immediate Panic When You Perceive Your Partner Is Pulling Away

It may be “irrational,” but in those moments your brain isn’t able to reassure you that you’re just being irrational and you have nothing to worry about. If you experience an immediate (and overwhelming sense) of panic when you perceive your partner is shutting down, moving away and/or leaving you, this may be due to your attachment style. If you experienced any abandonment growing up, this innate trigger can become extreme in your adult relationships. You may find yourself feeling immediately upset and needing to repair an issue immediately in order to soothe the panic and fear. This may ultimately push your partner away if they are needing space, and/or are afraid of conflict and the two of you may find yourselves in a difficult dance.

What you can do: Be aware of the panic and your triggers. If you NEED to repair conflict in order to calm and soothe, and your partner NEEDS space to process, the middle ground is giving yourselves a break to de-escalate, then return when you both are calm and unguarded. This is the only way you will get the reassurance you really desire and the only way your partner is going to feel respected and safe. Ask your partner to give you reassurance in that moment such as, “I love you, I am not leaving you, but I need a break to calm down and process this.” It is then your job to hear that, repeat that in your own head, and calm yourself down individually before going back to each other to repair the issue.

5 Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship :  #5 Your Biggest Coping Strategy is to Shut Down

If you find yourself shutting down a lot and needing time to process or “get away” from your partner, it may be because you are struggling with conflict. Maybe you have a sensitivity to conflict because you grew up with a lot of it. Maybe you have a sensitivity to conflict because you grew up without any of it. Either way, you were not taught how to effectively argue and repair conflict. We may become subconsciously triggered by any perceived attack, threat, form of rejection and/or criticism that we shut down to protect ourselves. Shutting down isn’t always a “bad” thing, but it can be misunderstood by your partner if they are assuming you are shutting down because you “don’t care about them.”

What you can do: It is important to learn how to have healthy conflict and respect each other’s triggers and sensitivities. It’s important to understand and communicate with your partner “why you shut down,” especially if it correlates with childhood. The more your partner understands you, the less they make their own assumptions about your behavior. In these moments, you can calmly reassure your partner that you aren’t “leaving them” but you need space to process and work through everything without feeling “triggered.” The more the two of you can work together at giving each other what you need to feel safe, the better chances you have to repairing effectively.

If you don’t understand where your triggers come from to begin with, it’s difficult to make necessary changes to help support yourself and your relationship. Self exploration and reflection is required when having healthy relationships! If you and/or your partner would like support with this, feel free to contact me. As an Attachment & EFT Therapist, I specifically work with individuals and couples at any stage of their relationship wanting to better their connection and deepen their self awareness.

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Top 5 Reasons Couples REALLY Come to Counseling : Modern Love Counseling

Why do couples really come to counseling? You may actually be surprised! From my experience as a relationship therapist, here are the top 5 reasons couples really come to counseling and seek out my specific services. Get ready to check your assumptions!

I have heard it all. Generally speaking, these are the top 5 reasons why the majority of my couples say they are seeking out counseling. I wanted to write about this topic because I feel as though there is still a heavy stigma and misunderstanding about counseling in general. I hope that this post can clear the air and shake up your assumptions or misconceptions about counseling services and/or couples who seek them out.

[Order is ranked from most common to least.]

Number 1 Reason Couples Really Come to Counseling: “To communicate better.”

We all want to learn how to communicate better, right? Conflict can erupt whenever we feel our partner doesn’t understand or hear us. This can be challenging to every and any twosome at some point of their relationship (regardless of how strong their relationship is). “Learning to better communicate” is actually more about learning to listen better, as well as working on being more vulnerable with how you express your needs/perceptions/feelings. “Sometimes you just need a third party to help you understand where that missing link is.” Says a current client. “It’s super helpful when Alysha can reflect what she’s hearing and seeing from both of our sides because we realize how much we aren’t hearing. She helps hold a mirror to our own behaviors and helps us better communicate what we really mean.”

Number 2 Reason Couples Really Come to Counseling: “To get closer.”

You may not realize this, but there is a large population of couples out there that actually seek out counseling services to improve their (already awesome) relationship! Couples are wanting to learn how to deepen their relationship for longterm success and fulfillment. Every day, I am humbled and relieved by the population of couples who actually choose to take this preventative and proactive stance. “Premarital counseling” helps couples who are getting married learn more about each other and prepare for stressors and issues in the future. However, a lot of my couples are seeking out “preventative counseling” are already married, have no desire to get married or who are new in their relationship altogether. “We have been coming to Alysha for 2.5 years and we rarely fight and have difficult conflict. We come to Alysha once a month to consistently strengthen our foundation so we feel more secure and connected. It’s been the best investment we have ever made.” Says a current client.

Number 3 Reason Couples Really Come to Counseling: “To prioritize their relationship.”

Let’s face it, we are SO busy as a society that we often don’t know how to slow down. We rarely have time for ourselves, let alone have the energy to prioritize our relationship sometimes. Date nights often come out of necessity, (i.e. “want to grab dinner?”) purely for the fact that we both need to eat, not because we want to connect. We struggle with coping through our own emotions and stressors from the day that once we see our partner we are ready to just unplug, not re-engage. There’s is nothing wrong with experiencing a rut or a routine that helps you unwind, I may add, but “the problem occurs when you’re so deep in the rut you can’t connect with your partner anymore.” Says Spencer Campbell of 5280 Magazine when describing his experience with The Modern Love Box.

My couples want to avoid this dilemma, or some may actually be experiencing a lack of connection because their routines and rut have consumed them. “Counseling for us is a regular time and place that we both commit to us, which forces us to get out of our regular day-to-day stresses and helps us be accountable to prioritize our relationship every other week.” Says a current client.

Number 4 Reason Couples Really Come to Counseling: “To talk through uncomfortable topics.”

Uncomfortable topics may vary from sex, money, values, to conflictual misunderstandings, to differing family dynamics. “Uncomfortable topics” are somewhat easy to avoid initially, but become more and more difficult to shy away from when your lives really start merging together. “Counseling is a safe, mediated environment that supports both of us when we have difficult things to discuss. It has a way of keeping us from escalating immediately and getting defensive as we would at home, so we actually get to hear what the other person is trying to say. Counseling has been really helpful in learning to hear my husband and understanding him without jumping to my own conclusions about how he feels or what he thinks.” Says a previous client.

Number 5 Reason Couples Really Come to Counseling: “To heal and have healthy conflict resolution.”

And yes! Couples come to counseling because something really unfortunate happened and they can’t seem to “get over it,” or there has been a reoccurring conflict that they both are feeling stuck in. Conflict is a part of a healthy relationship and we don’t always have the tools on how to effectively resolve it. “We kept having the same argument over and over again about petty things and we finally sought out counseling to help us figure out why and how to solve it. We were exhausted and feeling like we were barely holding on. We didn’t want to hate each other (even though at times we were getting pretty close). We felt counseling was our best option to helping us resolve conflict and helping us really move on from issues.” Says a current client.

Why is the post important? Well, for many reasons. The main one being that we need support in normalizing counseling, mental health, connection and commitment in our society! We need to reframe the negative misconceptions of any resources (including The Modern Love Box) that are out there that support love and healthy connections! We need to spread the word in helping others feel normal, confident and comfortable with going outside of their comfort zones and seeking support! There is nothing wrong with that!

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Prevent the Superficial Cycle : Why Preventative Counseling is Helping

I still think many people have the misconception that “couples counseling” is only for couples who are on the verge of separating; that “couples counseling” is really just a last resort that requires half-assed effort and little to show for.

I am beyond excited to report that through my experience as a therapist specializing in modern day relationships, couples are voluntarily coming in with more hope and openness for their process… whatever that may look like. They aren’t on the verge of breaking up, in fact, they are asking, “How do we prevent separation?” or “We are pretty happy… how do we stay happy?”

Couples aren’t wanting to come to counseling to serve as an outlet to get out of their relationship, in fact, they are coming to me to get better at being in it.

Because of these couples, I have approached this concept as “preventative counseling.” Preventing the [seemingly] inevitable doom of breaking up or divorcing only a few years after committing themselves to each other in a once, fulfilling and happy relationship.

Why is divorce or separation always an option that plagues the back of our thoughts? Well… that’s a whole other topic that would take a lot more time to dissect. For the purpose of throwing this out there now, I do believe that we live in a society that fears vulnerability and we struggle (especially as a generation) with letting our guards down and really be seen by other people. So, we mask it. This is happening while we upload our [good] photos on social media and dating sites; this is happening when we are “getting to know someone” on our first date; this is even happening when we are in a longterm committed relationship! But why? It seems so damn simple! STOP BEING AFRAID OF BEING YOU.

To avoid sounding harsh here, I will admit. I used to struggle with this too. I hated being vulnerable, especially with men. I hated asking for what I needed and to be 100% frank, I always felt alone even when I had plans every other night and friends in every direction. No one really understood me.

I was tired of living in a fog where I was only portraying 45% of my true self to everyone, (especially when 35% of it was usually intoxicated in some form or reacting uncontrollably to emotions I, myself, wasn’t prepared to face). Yes, at times I had “fun,” but looking back, I can understand why I was so isolated and I didn’t even realize it had everything to do with me.  How did I expect others to get me and really care about me, if I couldn’t even let them in? 

I think many of my clients can relate to this and most are coming in with the same isolating stories…. even in their current long term relationships. 

Because divorce and separation are always on the table, I think we tend to forget the true meaning of commitment.

We want all the bells and whistles, without having to personally work hard for them. We expect the other person to fulfill us; to understand us… we expect that we will just one day wake up and feel completely fearless of sharing everything to our partner and when that day doesn’t come as obvious as we had fantasized, we start to push our partner away even more in fear of never getting there. “There must be someone else out there that can make me happy and who can understand me…” That may be so… but will you avoid being vulnerable with them too? 

So… I get it. We are humans; we are a product of living in a very privileged, but inattentive society and we can successfully “strive” in so many ways without having to admit our faults, failures and insecurities to anyone… not even ourselves. “Fake it ‘till you make it!”….. right? Well, maybe in your career that has been a helpful mantra to live by that has shown you successful outcomes; but in your relationships? Not so much. 

I think we should start to realize that the more we fake it in our relationships; the more we mask our authentic selves to each other… will only continue to lead us feeling more isolated and misunderstood as human beings.

Preventative counseling for couples has been, in my professional and personal opinion, one of the most rewarding approaches to helping people bridge the gap (everyone at some point or situation has experienced) of isolation and misunderstanding. I help couples gain the necessary tools that allow them to build a stronger, deeper foundation that securely connects them in a much more meaningful and authentic way; thus preventing the easy “go-to” solution of breaking up and continuing the same cycle in their next relationship(s).

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