Why Does My Partner Need Space?

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box

If you have found yourself disheartened with the question, “Why does my partner need space when we argue?” this article may be just what you need in order to build more understanding. Most couples find themselves at times in an repeated conflictual cycle that gets easily activated and is often challenging to repair. Regardless of what you’re arguing about, one person seems to always want space, while the other is desperate to talk things out immediately. This can be frustrating and painful for both parties, as the build up of vulnerable insecurities and resentment can start to ruin the emotional safety in the relationship.

Yikes!

A common complaint in couples therapy is this exact issue. “My partner always walks away from me and we inevitably never solve anything.” or “My partner can’t seem to respect me when I say over and over again to leave me alone…  I need space. I feel pushed until I explode.” The person desiring immediate resolve often feels abandoned, anxious and betrayed; while the person desiring space often feels violated, controlled and is terrified of saying the wrong thing. Unfortunately, both parties don’t express themselves in ways the other person can truly hear, so they continue this vicious cycle of misunderstanding for months or even years. This issue is often the catalyst that brings couples into therapy… or eventually separates them.

“I am fighting for our relationship not fighting against it, but she only sees me as a bully. I don’t know how to make her realize I’m scared to lose her.” -T.D, 32

If you’re in a relationship, then you understand that this cycle feels really defeating if you can’t find mutual validation and repair. After the hundredth time of getting stuck in this cycle, the two of you are probably questioning the relationship and may even become shells of yourselves. As an attachment based therapist, I want to assure you that this cycle comes up in every relationship I have ever worked with and/or heard about in my personal life. This is because we are human and we all have a deep seeded fear of abandonment or rejection in one form or another. On some basic level we may have felt these ways growing up or in a past relationship(s), and this can make our fears even harder to cope with in our current partnership when we can’t seem to get on the same team. Often our innate reactions to perceived threats of rejection, ridicule and/or abandonment come from deep attachment wounds of past experiences that we may not even be aware we have or know how they are correlated.

No human is perfect and regardless of how loving your relationship is, or how much trust and respect you have for each other, sometimes your innate fight or flight response can be triggering for your partner; thus causing the cycle. My husband and I also have a cycle (I call it a “dance”) and I express to my clients that it is important to normalize it, as well as set realistic goals on how to “solve” it together. Instead of looking at your disconnect through the lens of blame, victimhood and/or righteousness, try looking at it as conflicting biological responses to the threat of losing the relationship. When you need repair right away, maybe it’s because you were abandoned by a parent or ex-partner and when you perceive your current partner has had enough, you instinctually panic. It may be irrational, but this is why we have to be gentle with ourselves. We are wired to automatically respond to perceived threats to keep us alive. Most likely your partner just happens to have a differing defense mechanism (freeze or flight) that has kept them “safe.”  If we never get to the level of understanding why we respond the way that we respond, we may end up subconsciously sabotaging our relationship and repeating trauma from our past.

Although this “dance” isn’t fun and can cause a lot of heartbreak, it’s something worth exploring individually, as well as together, for ultimate growth and security building in the relationship.

When more seasoned couples say “relationships are hard work,” they are referring to learning how to establish a balance that neutralizes this cycle. The “work” is learning to recognize the cycle, understand yourself and your partner’s reactions and express your needs vulnerably, to truly be able to see each other’s perspectives and find healing.

Ideally, you would both learn the tools to effectively avoid the cycle altogether, but because this cycle won’t just vanish, you can learn the tools to repair the hurts and misunderstandings effectively so that issues don’t continue to repeat over and over. Sometimes this is only possible with a trained professional.

If your partner’s reaction is to shut down in moments of anxious conflict, I can see how this would feel rejecting and why you might fear abandonment. Especially if they get angry, stop talking altogether, or worse… physically leave. Instead of continuing to torture yourself with the question, “Why does my partner need space?” please read below the possible reasons to hopefully build more understanding of their innate defense mechanism.

Why Does My Partner Need Space? 5 Possible Reasons

1. They were criticized and/or rejected in their past from parents/caregivers and/or friends/ex partners. They may have gotten the message that what they have to say isn’t important or valid. They may have gotten the message that they were flawed in some profound way and thus doesn’t feel good enough.
2. They feel triggered by conflict. This may have to do with growing up with a lot of conflict with parents and/or siblings. This may also have to do with the opposite; they grew up without any conflict and feel very threatened by it. Either way, they struggle with easing their anxiety about confrontation and conflict.
3. They feel intimidated. Think of your partner like a beautiful clam that holds a precious pearl. When in moments of fear, the clam innately shuts itself off in an attempt to protect itself. Evolutionarily their shell is hard and cold, in an attempt to exhaust intruders and protect their vulnerable squishy insides. When closed, the clam feels safe. When open, even half way, the calm feels vulnerable. They are sensitive to predators and often assume they are in the hands of a giant attempting to pry open their shell forcefully with a knife. Eventually, their reaction may be to surrender defeatedly or grip tighter and tighter with a bite.
4. They are slower processors and under stressful situations, need more time to process their thoughts and feelings. You may argue well. You may articulate every feeling and thought you have. They don’t operate like that. Most likely, they feel intimated by your quickness and openness to feelings that they want to make sure they understand themselves before expressing the “wrong” thing. When pushed to communicate, they probably end up saying the “wrong” thing, thus making it harder for them to feel confident in trying to do it again. They may experience pressure from you to know how they feel, thus making it easier to compartmentalize and shut it down completely.
5. They don’t understand the argument/conflict. Sometimes, it is as simple as not understanding what the argument is about or agreeing that the argument is worth actually “arguing” about. Their attempt to shut down is an attempt to stop the argument from escalating. (Unfortunately, they don’t realize that feels like abandonment or dismissive to you).

If one of those reasons may be the cause of your partner’s reaction to flee situations or to shut down, hopefully you can understand with more compassion that they are not actively trying to hurt you. They most likely are not actively trying to torture you by withholding their feelings and thoughts. They aren’t attempting to make you feel abandoned or dismissed. The most advised next step is to seek couples counseling before this issue causes severe harm to your self esteem and relationship’s health.

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How to Stop Parenting you Partner and What to Do Instead

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box

How to stop parenting your partner may seem like a challenging process, because you’ve probably tried everything you can think of. You may be on the verge of breaking up, or finding yourself fantasizing about that green grass on the other side. Before making any rash decisions, we would highly suggest taking a moment to reflect. When we find ourselves in this position, it is crucial to do some internal work verses stay stuck in the place of blame. When reading this article, it is important to realize your part, as well as do the work to explore your needs and expression of those needs in order to invoke change in the relationship.

Parenting your partner can feel icky. I know.. icky isn’t the best word to describe feelings, but sometimes icky is the best way to express the resentment, frustration, isolation and fear we can carry when we feel as though we are parenting our partner. It is not uncommon to have a more dominant personality in a relationship that generally makes the bulk of the decisions, but when couples start to feel less of an partnership and more of a parent/child relationship, there are bigger issues that need to addressed under the surface.

As a therapist, I have heard themes when working with couples. One of the biggest complaints I hear is one person may experience their partner hasn’t changed or matured. Because we ironically find ourselves choosing partners that are exact opposite of us in so many ways, one person can eventually start to feel taken advantage of or resentful of the lack of teamwork they perceive is not being reciprocated in the relationship. That’s because relationships don’t work this way; they are not a quid pro quo, (ex: “the more I give, the more I will receive.”) Our relationships are rarely 50/50. Wait, did you hear that? Relationships are rarely 50/50, yet we often demand this because we are told this is how it should be. We all experience the world differently and somewhere in the middle is the balance that we all need to foster and appreciate in our relationships to find a mutual respect and balance.

The feeling of parenting your partner may have started from the very beginning of your relationship, or it may have been created as time passed and circumstances changed (or stayed “stagnant”). Regardless of when it started, it is important to understand the why it started and really get to the bottom of understanding what you really want to change.

Generally speaking, people with more assertive and “dominant” personalities tend to be leaders in their personal lives; maybe they are bosses, the oldest child, the “parent” in their family dynamic. These traits can be argued are a cause of nature or nurture, and I believe it is both. On one hand, being dominant and assertive, can be a defense mechanism that was created in early childhood to protect themselves, their family and/or circumstances. As an example, maybe their dominance came from being bullied as a kid by their family or peers; maybe their strong control in managing life came from their unfair role of having to parent their unreliable parents or parents struggling with addiction. The combination of natural personality characteristics and their trauma have blended together to make them very self reliant, structured and more particular.

On the contrary, people who tend to go with the flow more easily and are less confrontational maybe have also learned these techniques to protect themselves as well. For example, maybe their innate reaction to let others make decisions for them came from having a parent with a mental illness and they were never allowed to have an opinion anyway; maybe their contentment came from a fear of failure because they were always told they wouldn’t achieve; maybe they were the middle child and/or had siblings that spoke for them. In combination with their natural personality traits, you can see how their trauma has created more timidness, patience and flexibility.

Clearly, both personality traits have pros and cons. Areas of weakness and areas of strength. Together, we need to learn to accept and appreciate each other’s differences and where they came from, instead of judging them as being “controlling” and/or “lazy.” We have to try to see our partner with compassion to find a common space to relate to each other; otherwise our differences that we were once attracted to, ironically become the exact reason many couples decide to split. Whatever the circumstances of our upbringings, our reactions as adults are often misunderstood by the people we love the most.

Our partner has their own complexities and challenges. They have their own strengths that are triggering for us, because it’s often showing us our own defiance of change.

If you find yourself parenting your partner and feeling resentment or isolated, reflect on these questions before making the decision to leave or repeating the same argument:

1. Jot down all the reasons you were attracted to your partner in the first place. Are any of these reasons/traits what you feel frustrated by now? If so, what has changed your perspective?
2. What are your expectations of your partner? Is it possible that they are unrealistic, too harsh and/or coming from a judgmental place?
3. What needs did you have growing up that may be getting triggered in your current life? (Example: You currently argue with your partner about them making more money, but is it possible that you’re feeling insecure or uncertain about the future and want more reliability? Is it possible you are subconsciously speaking in code and argue about content related issues that may have a deeper need or insecurity?)
4. Is it possible that you are feeling out of control in your life? If so, have you explained this vulnerably to your partner that you are feeling stuck without blaming them?
5. Is it possible that it is challenging for you to ask for help? If so, how could you be unintentionally coming across defensive, controlling and/or demanding because of this?
6. Do you have a pattern of trying to fix, control and/or save everyone? Where does this come from?
7. Are you feeling appreciated, valued and seen in your relationship? If not, how may this be contributing to your frustration and expectations?

Now, after your reflection, try these tips to initiate more understanding in your partnership in hopes of saving it:

1. Talk about childhoods and impactful moments in your lives: From a curious place, discuss how you both perceive the why behind why you are the way that you are. Go further into discussion about your childhoods and how they are impacting your current relationship. How does this give you both more compassion and understanding as to why certain characteristics or behaviors may be hard to change in adulthood.
2. Discuss your authentic and vulnerable needs, not disappointments or demands: From a sincere place, discuss your unmet needs in childhood. Your insecurities about how you show up in the relationship. What are you both trying to protect? Why is X, Y, and Z issue really an issue?
3. Discuss how your expectations of each other and of change may be limiting and unrealistic: This doesn’t mean that you don’t have needs and requests of your partner, but what this does mean is you both have to own how your projections are affecting each other, as well contributing to your own suffering. Sometimes our expectations and the way we think are the problem. If you originally fell in love with the characteristics of your partner that now upset you, it’s important to recognize why. What about your expectations have changed and is it possible to find a middle ground?
4. Identify what areas you both need to work on: Safely take accountability for your setbacks and explain to your partner how you see these challenges showing up in the relationship. With humility, own them. No one wants you to be perfect, but by taking accountability, it can help your partner feel validated, thus creating healing and motivation to want to work on change together.
5. Be aware of when your triggers alert you and how you deal with those triggers automatically: Next time you feel annoyed, angry or hurt, stop and reflect on why. Then notice how you tend to deal with your discomfort automatically and instead of reacting out of habit, try stopping, reflecting and gaining insight before you respond.
6. Define roles in relationship and discuss ways to share more responsibilities mutually: Collaborate! It seems silly to sit down and structure a list of roles and responsibilities, but it is more effective to address directly than to make assumptions. Together, list all the adulting responsibilities you both have and what things you feel is “your” responsibility and why. Maybe this exercise highlights discrepancies and/or helps the two of you have more conversation about what is important and why. Remember, you can strive for 50/50, but don’t expect it!
7. Identify your strengths and weaknesses and how you’d work better as a team if you both were to work with your strengths more: If your relationship was a sports team, what position would each of you flourish in? Together, agree and collaborate on what roles and responsibilities that are within your “expertise,” as well as commit to taking on something within the relationship that challenges your comfort zone.
8. Communicate about what you both desire in terms of feeling appreciated in your relationship. Try the five love languages quiz to help you identify ways you feel and experience love.
9. Try Couples Therapy!

As you can see, this complicated dynamic is not simple. We often let our egos convince us that our partner is the enemy and we forget that we are just flawed imperfect humans doing the best that we can. Sometimes, when we find ourselves partnering our partner, we don’t realize that we are feeling defeated, lonely and or anxious about the unknown of our own lives. Sometimes, we don’t realize that we are struggling internally and thus it is necessary to build self awareness before blaming our partner for their deficancies. It is important to realize that having needs and requests are important, but we also have to learn to be patient and love our partners unconditionally at the same time. Regardless of you feeling like the parent or child in your relationship, you can hopefully see that you both are feeling misunderstood in the relationship. It’s important to gain perceptive and clear up assumptions that are creating toxicity in your partnership.

Thanks for reading How to Stop Parenting Your Partner! Have you experienced this dynamic before? Tell us about it!

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Stop Trying to Fix Everything in Your Relationship : 6 Things You to do Instead

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box

“Stop trying to fix everything in your relationship!” may be something you’ve heard a bazillion times. Maybe it’s something you didn’t even know you were trying to do; but you just know you hate when the one you love struggles or when there is conflict between the two of you. Your intentions are sincere. You want to keep the peace and make “negative” feelings go away. Your natural go-to is to logically assess the situation, then fix the uncomfortableness. So you may be confused as to why your partner doesn’t understand your genuine attempt to help them out or to defuse the situation.

When your partner starts to get angry with you for always trying to fix things, you may find yourself at a frustrating point and don’t quite understand what to do to make things better. This may make you feel completely discouraged, stressed and rejected. You may start to believe that you can never do anything right. Maybe that is why you have found yourself googling, “stop trying to fix everything in your relationship.”

If you’re in this boat, hear me when I say, this is a common issue for couples.

We have all heard of chronic people pleasing, but we often don’t hear enough about the “chronic fixer” mentality. “The chronic fixer” was often the child growing up that was in charge of their erratic or irresponsible parent or sibling; the child that was expected to be the mediator in the family when abuse or escalation would surface; the child that was neglected from their parents attention or who grew up not understanding unconditional love. The fixer is often the child that never learned how to emotionally express their needs or feelings and becomes easily overwhelmed with other’s expression of emotions. If you are the fixer, this is often why the inner child in you feels so helpless and why it may feel incredibly hurtful when your partner gets angry with you for trying to help. If the fixer mentality in you is so ingrained, it can be a challenge to stop trying to fix everything in your relationship.

So what do you do?

As the fixer, your conscious intentions of diffusing the situation are noble. You care, you try to support, you want to make things “right” again. However, your automatic drive to fix things, is usually more of a defense mechanism to protect yourself, than it is an altruistic drive to help. This is why the attempt to fix doesn’t soothe your partner and it seems to only make things worse. So, if you are the fixer, this doesn’t mean you are “bad,” or wrong. It’s just helpful to realize that your automatic behavior to shut things down and to fix them, are usually an innate defense against your intolerance to emotional discomfort and/or escalation and conflict. Your actions and attempt to fix things, are an automatic response to your subconscious fears in childhood or a toxic past relationship.

So, in a nutshell, the (subconscious) attempt to fix everything is often motivated by a desire to protect yourself from being triggered by a wound that hasn’t fully been healed from your past.

One of the reasons this comes up a lot in couples counseling, is because one person’s natural approach to supporting the other can unfortunately be the exact opposite from what their partner actually needs. Together, they don’t know how to communicate about it, so they tend to just get frustrated at each other and get stuck in repetitive arguments. They both end up feeling dismissed and frustrated.

It’s like the example of never telling a frantic person to “calm down.” Generally, telling someone to calm down has the opposite outcome, because it makes the person who is feeling frantic, now feel dismissed and embarrassed for feeling how they are feeling. Even if “calming down” is the logical and helpful thing to do, in the moment of heightened emotions, it is impossible to flip the switch into a logical state of mind. When we are feeling emotionally triggered, our brains can stop working properly and the amygdala can be hijacked. This is important to understand because we are incredibly complex as human beings and sometimes, when we are emotional, we aren’t always choosing to react in the way we desire. This is why it is incredibly important for both partners to work on strengthening emotional intelligence and tolerance.

I often tell my clients to picture a disgusting scenario: Your partner is stuck in poop. Literally. They are drenched in it. It’s like quick sand and they are barely able to keep their head above the disgustingness. You see them and you want to get them out, but you look around you and there is absolutely nothing you can use to pull them out with. Your partner is defeated and stressed. You are defeated and stressed. Best thing you can do? Jump in the pile of poo with them. That’s it. Sound crazy? YES, it does, but this is often all we need as humans. By jumping in, you show up for them. You give them permission to be overwhelmed and you give yourself permission to be powerless. You ride the wave together and you see your partner with compassion, they see you with intention. Sometimes there is no solution other than that. Eventually the disgustingness becomes livable and the two of you realize you actually aren’t covered in poop, it’s just mud; and by the time the sun goes down, it starts to loosen up, allowing the two of you to get out comfortably to find shelter… together, as a team. “Problem” solved!

Stop Trying to Fix Everything in Your Relationship | 6 Things to do Instead:

Breathe | So when your partner is struggling with something, try to breathe consciously. Literally take a few moments to calm your instinct to react by shutting the emotions down and fixing it. Just breathe and remind yourself that you are safe. Be conscious of what immediate thought popped into your head, “Oh no, here we go again,” or “What did I do wrong?”

Don’t Make Assumptions | When you’re sensing your partner’s vibe is off, you automatically go to worst case scenario in your head. Stop that train of thought, observe the situation and try asking yourself, “Is what I am assuming/thinking true? Do I have evidence to support these automatic thoughts? Am I giving my partner the benefit of the doubt?”

Ask More Questions | Listen more. Ask more. It’s simple enough to help your partner feel validated, but also helpful in soothing your anxiety. Maybe your partner is upset about something that has nothing to do with you, and they just need a moment to talk through it. Try asking a simple question about their needs, “Do you want me to help you solve this, or just listen?”

Set Boundaries | It is completely OK for you to request boundaries when you are feeling overwhelmed and need a moment to collect yourself from flooding emotions. A healthy example on how to request space from an emotional partner is, “I hear you, I see you’re upset, and I need a moment to process all this because emotions can be challenging for me to process. Can we revisit this conversation when I get back in a couple hours?”

Work on Feeling Uncomfortable | Work on your tolerance to difficult emotions or conversations. If being uncomfortable with emotions is something you struggle with, it may be time to do your own counseling to help you regulate and process them effectively.

Relinquish Your Responsibility to Fix Everything | You may feel as though it is your “job” for one reason or another to fix everything, but it isn’t. In fact, that belief is causing you the most pain and discomfort. By relinquishing the responsibility, you surrender to not having control. This is uncomfortable, but it is equally relieving.

*Obviously, if your relationship hits any of these red flags, then you may want to reconsider your relationship’s health and may not want to continue the relationship. There is a difference between being a fixer due to childhood triggers and feeling coerced to please your partner because they are abusive.

All and all, relationships are challenging! The best thing you can do is try to assume the best of your partner (if it is not toxic or abusive). We are all trying our best, even if it doesn’t seem that way sometimes. If you don’t feel heard, there may be somethings you can try differently to be softer with your approach. If you don’t feel appreciated or understood, then you may be trying too hard to fix the situation rather than just hear your partner out.

Thanks for reading our article, Stop Trying to Fix Everything in Your Relationship.

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Examples of Power Struggles in a Relationship | How to Tell if You Are Butting Heads to Gain Control (and why?)

Awe… the honeymoon phase. Isn’t it bliss? 

There are seemingly no “real” struggles in the honeymoon phase, right? Just fun dates and lots of sex. There’s no arguing about who loads the dishwasher, or picks up the check(s). No one is frustrated about always initiating sex or what to eat for dinner. Life in the beginning was just easy filled with compromise. 

This time in our relationship is “easy,” because we are often lost in lust and oxytocin. It’s also easy, because we are happy to forfeit our opinions in order to make the other person satisfied and to keep them interested. We don’t mind compromise because we all enjoy falling in love. 

So, fast forward a few months… or even some years. You may have found yourselves unhappy and struggling with feeling fully appreciated and/or equal in your relationship. Maybe simple communication is challenging or mutual respect is declining. At times, you may feel frustrated and sad that the relationship you once had feels lost and the person you fell in love with has slipped away. 

Well, you may have found yourselves in a power struggle. 

You may not even realize it, but often times the petty fights you find yourselves in are just an attempt for your voices to be heard/respected, your feelings to be validated, or your contributions to be recognized and appreciated. We often get stuck in the content of “who did what” instead of communicating to each other our vulnerable desires to feel seen in the relationship. Sometimes, we get so stuck on how things used to be, that we start resenting our partners for inevitable changes. 

Here are Examples of Power Struggles in a Relationship:

#1: You find yourselves easily arguing about your (subjective) experiences being a fact. 

#2: You and/or your partner makes regular passive aggressive comments and says they are just “joking.”  

#3: You and/or partner feels entitled to having more decision making privileges, because you/they make more money.

#4: You and/or your partner feel secretively defiant.

#5 You put each other down. 

#6 You get in arguments the second you both have differing opinions. 

#7 You and/or your partner constantly bring up the past to justify their actions. 

#8 You and/or your partner play games to make the other one jealous. 

#9 You find yourselves in competition with each other, and not in a cute way. 

#10 You and/or your partner often threaten leaving the relationship in arguments. 

#11 You and/or your partner withhold sex, intimacy or affection to prove a point. 

#12 You and/or your partner often feels “in trouble.” 

#13 You and/or your partner purposefully want to withhold offering support or help to “teach” them a lesson. 

Power struggles can be a common element to a relationship, but catching them early will help you both determine a healthy way to restructure them. Sometimes, power struggles in a relationship can be due to feeling unheard and sometimes addressing them calmly can be the fix. Other times, power struggles can come from years of built up resentment and pain, which may require a lot more time and tools to heal. Either way, therapy is always a great idea to help you both unpack these negative behaviors and break the cycle for good. 

The post Examples of Power Struggles in a Relationship appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

If you are a momma, you have probably asked yourself “Why is being a mom so hard?” If you find yourself struggling with the concept (and execution) of being a modern mom, you are NOT alone! Being a new mom is one of the biggest life transitions you will ever experience. Although it is beautiful and rewarding, there are moments when it is also catastrophic. This may seem a bit dramatic, but if you find yourself in the thick of an identity crisis and feeling like you are failing at everything, (and can’t ask for help), “catastrophic” is actually completely accurate. Many moms don’t seek the support they need for various reasons; one being that our culture’s expectations of modern mothers are near to impossible to meet!

If you think about it, modern moms are still expected to work and make a “successful” living independently; modern moms are expected to be fun but authoritative, patient but stern, sensitive but not hovering. We shouldn’t let our kids watch too much TV, play video games or the iPad. We should be engaging with our kids constantly; be teaching them something and helping them navigate their delicate and confusing emotions. We are expected as mothers to tend to our children’s every need without babying them. We are expected to work and earn a successful living without asking for help or getting special considerations from our employers. We are constantly expected to be better than previous generations.

We are also expected to be in control of the household, of our children, of our own autonomy and financial freedom, yet if we are perceived as too controlling, we went off the deep end. If we need help, then we are really asking for too much. On top of this, we also have the pressures from society as women, to be sexy and youthful; as wives/partners, to be attentive and patient. To not be needy, and to be confident. We are expected to have it all together.

Modern moms are expected to carry on traditional gender roles, all while thriving in the modern privileges of gender equality.

Well, aren’t these expectations too much?

If you were anything like me prior to becoming a mom, you had all your ducks seemingly in a row. You controlled everything; you were on a tight schedule, you took care of yourself, and your needs. You had a career, you were driven, and passionate. Hell, you even brushed and flossed daily. You, were seemingly on top of your game and then all of a sudden, your life literally turned into something you couldn’t recognize anymore. Your body was wrecked, your relationship sucked and you couldn’t sleep more than 4 hours at a time. Even though everyone told you, “sleep when the baby does,” you piled more and more to do’s on your plate because nothing seemed to ever get done. Eagerly attempting to get back to some sort of resemblance of your old self, you felt like you were failing at everything you attempted. I asked myself every 5 minutes it seemed… Why is Being a mom so hard? Is it this hard for everyone else? Unfortunately, I became a martyr and blamed everyone else for my setbacks. I was hormonal, exhausted, and was depleted from trying to do everything I had once been able to do, all while being a perfect, attentive, loving mother.

It was too much, and I was frustrated that no one talks about it.

Instagram influencers and the media all portray how glamorous being a mom is. With all the accessories and expensive gadgets, it seems odd that as a mom you would be struggling with regret or loneliness, when everywhere else tells you you should be happy. It’s amazing how our culture continues to promote modern women on these social media platforms; Instagram promotes “real” lives, yet none of it portrays the whole story. Social media is so counterintuitive to what is reality, yet we continue to use it as a barometer to gauge our level of success/beauty/normalcy/acceptance. Society creates so many judgements already, which divides us mothers, and makes seeking support additionally challenging.

The reality is, moms are over worked, under appreciated, and feel lonely. They also encounter judgments on all sides from other mommas that keep them feeling more and more isolated; working moms verses non-working ones, adoptive moms verses “natural” birthing ones, vaginal birthing moms verses c-section moms, breast feeding moms verses formula feeding ones, religious moms verses spiritual ones. The list goes on… It’s challenging enough being human, let alone raising one and not feeling you have unconditional support in any corner. We haven’t even started to discuss the division within your partnership and how challenging managing responsibilities in a modern household can truly be. Moms often feel unseen by their partner, especially if they are men, and the loneliness of not being understood as modern mom really sinks in. Then, if you’re a millennial mom, you may have many friends that don’t have kids, making it even more isolating to feel understood with others around you.

The year 2020 really threw a wrench in the mix and caused a lot of moms to “fail” even more, (I know I did!). Some working moms had to quit their jobs, take leave of absences, got laid off. Some stay at home moms had to learn how to support their child’s every academic/emotional/social/mental need all while taking care of the households. Some working moms had to do that and work. The year 2020 only glorified the lack of support mommas face and many of my clients (including myself at times) felt completely lost.

I personally think women’s rights and the journey to equality are moving in the right direction. We as women, have made it so far with being able to have the liberties that we have always deserved. This, in theory is GREAT! However, I still think we as a society have a long way to go. Modern mothers are constantly asking themselves, “Why is being a mom so hard?” “What happened to me?” “Did I ruin my life?” “Why am I failing at everything?” and are pushing themselves too far to accomplish perfection in everything they are expected to do, (which isn’t attainable!) Then, often times, we get stuck with the shame and guilt of needing to ask for help, or admitting to ourselves and others that sometimes this is just too hard. A big part of our pressure as moms is society’s fault, but another big source of our pressure is self induced. I think modern moms are generally more educated and embrace self care more than previous generations. Many mommas want to advocate for being a “better” parent than the one(s) they had because they struggled in childhood.

Many mommas push themselves too far because they are struggling with self love.

As moms, we have to acknowledge that no matter how much we love our families, we cannot feel whole until we prioritize self love. We have to take care of ourselves, our needs and prioritize our own emotional well being. We can’t continue to prioritize perfecting our responsibilities, in a subconscious attempt to find purpose.

We are still going to mess up; we are still going to negatively affect our children; we are still going to fail; we are human. We have to take the pressure off ourselves by admitting these truths. No matter how much we work on perfecting our lives, we may never have it all together. The most successful children come from parents that are able to acknowledge that; that give them an example of what it looks like to be insecure. We all grow and learn from leaning into our fears verses trying to control and cover them.

If you feel as though you are juggling bowling balls and can’t catch a break, it isn’t because you are flawed, momma, it is because our society puts too much pressure on us. We put too much pressure on us. Don’t let your guilt take over and make you feel like a horrible person. Your guilt is often being activated by fear and sometimes we need to just admit to ourselves we are fearful. We have to accept we don’t have control of the world; we don’t know what is going to happen politically, socially, environmentally. We don’t know how this year is going to affect our children in the long run. We don’t know how to manage our day-to-days! We are doing our best and it’s OK to be afraid that you don’t have it all together.

You are not the only mom that feels this way. I promise. Take time to nurture yourself daily, even if it is 10 minutes. Take time everyday to connect to your inner child and work on healing yourself from what you’ve been protecting your kids from. This will be the key to self love and exploration that helps you connect to your true inner strength and purpose. Us moms do a lot, and we don’t have to continue to be burdened by this unattainable expectation of perfection.

We can help!

The post Why is Being a Mom So Hard? appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : 5 Things to Consider

So you’re having a baby! Or thinking about it… With all that spare time during 2020 transitions, it makes sense that there is a huge baby boom on the rise. It’s exciting and scary… and all of the things, right?! So how do you prepare? Having my first baby was one of the most unpredictable experiences I have ever gone through in my life. Even being a Relationship Therapist, I was not prepared for what I encountered as a new mother, or the challenges I would face in my own marriage after we became parents. A lot changed for me/us; and in fact, even two years after our daughter was born, a lot continues to change.

I decided to write about how to prepare your relationship for new baby, because I truly believe many parents do not discuss how challenging being a new parent can be openly. Not that I want to project my experiences, or jinx your’s, but I wanted to reach out to those new parents that could relate or new parents trying to become aware of the potential shifts in their new phase(s) of life… especially during the inconvenience and uncertainties of Covid. As a brand new mom, I remember feeling isolated, confused and really resentful for (what felt like) a really long time. I wasn’t immediately joyous, elated and put-together as every Instagram story glorifies. (I gave up Instagram after I became a mom by the way; it did nothing but make me feel inadequate, lonely and angry at our society). My isolation only intensified when I realized I couldn’t share these feelings with anyone without the fear of being judged as a “terrible mom.” Nothing could have prepared me for the conflicting feelings I experienced and unfortunately, no one had ever shared their challenges as a new parent with me so I felt completely lost.

I was confused by my feelings and resentful toward my partner, as I perceived his life had barely changed while mine flipped upside down. I was terrified when our daughter unexpectedly came a month early; only weighing 4lbs and although she was thankfully healthy (just tiny), she cried constantly when we brought her home for the first 4 months of her life. We had to feed her donor milk through a tube for weeks, while I desperately pumped every 90 minutes (in between trying to breast feed every 60 minutes) to activate my milk supply. She didn’t sleep more than 4 hour blocks for almost the entire first year of her life. To say the least, I.. was… spent. Exhaustion was an understatement and I oscillated between guilt of not wanting to be in this role to pure comfort when I finally felt a grip of calm presence with her effectively nursing or cuddling. She was truly a gift, but I had NO idea what I was in for.

As new parents, our relationship dwindled at times and we really struggled with the adjustment to parenthood even after being together for over a decade. There were times we said it was almost too much, (I can finally understand why people divorce after children, because there did come points where we considered it). Although that wasn’t want I really wanted, I think I was desperate for a “break,” and the only logical “break” I saw myself able to control was the one in my marriage. Thankfully, this didn’t have to be our default solution (and really it wouldn’t have solved much anyway), and we managed to work through a lot as we juggled raising our daughter together. Now we just have to continue to practice these tools while we juggle raising our toddler during COVID with no childcare! This… is… LIFE, right?

Again, my story is not to stress or scare anyone; it’s also not meant to say that your experience will be this challenging. I’m sure there are many new parents out there that are a lot more mentally and emotionally prepared to adjust to the changes than we were, (which would have made our situation significantly easier!) We chose to wait to have a baby until we were in our early to mid 30s and had already been together for 10 years. Life as we knew it was fun and filled with selfish freedom. We never wanted children, but considered it one time and then quickly got pregnant. We didn’t have a lot of understanding of how it was going to change our lives until it did.

So, if you have any fears, or you are going through a big adjustment personally and in your relationship after having a baby; please do not feel alone! You are normal… Parenthood is just as beautiful and rewarding, as it is devastating and draining.

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : #1 Bask in the Glory of Being a Duo

While you’re preparing for baby, enjoy being the two of you… Like really. It will never just be the two of you ever again. I know this tip is so cliche; so many people told us while I was pregnant to “enjoy date nights” or go on a “babymoon,” but literally nothing could have prepared us to fully realize the extent of what that meant to our duo partnership. Instead of stressing about traveling for a babymoon (especially during COVID), I’d suggest being more intentional about deepening your intimacy even if you are at home in quarantine. Explore your sexy time, deepen your conversations, create something sacred that you do together every week or month and carry that ritual with you when baby arrives. Cuddle a lot, relax and be lazy; SLEEP. Really try your bests to not take these moments together for granted, because these freedoms will become nonexistent for a period of time.

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : #2 Discuss Parental Roles and Responsibilities

If you haven’t already, have a real conversation about what you both would like your roles and responsibilities to look like when baby comes. Are you taking time off work? If so, how long? Will you need help? If so, for how long? Who will be helping? What are your options during Covid? How much are you both willing to spend on help? Is someone staying home? What are their responsibilities? Who wakes up with the baby at night? Are there any foreseeable adjustments to your finances if someone isn’t working as much or at all? If so, how does this affect your lifestyles? How much do you need to pay out of pocket to have a baby? Do you have insurance, what does that cover? What are your fears? Etc… Etc. Having these conversations are beneficial when attempting to create a practical partnership, as making assumptions about these things can definitely cause disappointment and resentment. These conversations help both of you feel on the same team and when baby comes, you may alter the plan, but at least the two of you have some understanding about what it practically looks like.

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : #3 Work on Underlying Issues Beforehand

It could be a good idea to start couples counseling while you’re planning or preparing your relationship for new baby. The reason being, often having a baby only glorifies the issues that have always been a struggle in your relationship. Tack on sleep deprivation and hormones; working on painful reoccurring issues in your relationship are going to be the last thing you want to give your precious energy to. Counseling can also be very helpful with learning how to have challenging conversations about values, conflicting ideas or parenting, and/or your intimacy and body/hormonal changes. It’s important to realize that having a baby only illuminates issues verses mends them and even if for a period of time those issues go away, they will most likely resurface while the two of you are struggling with managing any down time, (which can be frustrating).

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : #4 Work on letting go of control

Again, cliche, I know; but this is a big one. If you are a Type A, disciplined and planned out person like I was, (and especially if you are going to be carrying the baby), it is crucial for you to learn how to relinquish control, as well as refuse responsibility of all the things you can’t. This is a tough one, because maybe your entire life you have been in control of your decisions and body and it has served you well. Unfortunately, being pregnant and the actual labor process is often never as you plan. Your baby’s temperament or needs are often never as you plan. (Again, something I/we learned the hard way). We thought we could control the outcomes of everything and keep our lives totally the same; we would laugh and say to ourselves, “not our life” when people would come up to me with a huge belly and tell us jokingly, “say goodbye to your alone time you two!” We always thought that if we worked hard enough, we could make anything happen. We would say to each other “our relationship will always come first, then baby.” I laugh at that now because for us, that wasn’t possible and we still struggle with making that possible sometimes. Our reality was, the needs of our baby had to come first, which made our alone time individually and our together time lack. Work on being more gentle with yourself and possibly explore some individual counseling to help you better prepare for accepting the unknowns that will inevitably pop up in your journey.

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : #5 Be prepared to grieve

This doesn’t mean life won’t be fun again, or that your body won’t heal, but the process of grieving what was can be really challenging if you aren’t prepared to lose and adjust to those changes of your life/self. After having a baby, you change. Period. This isn’t a “good” or “bad” thing, it just is. After having a baby, you have to make adaptions to things you have never had to be confronted with before. This was really painful for my experience, as I judged myself for having these feelings and suppressed them for a long time. I thought something was wrong with me for not being able to be the “badass super human” I had always identified with before; in the past, the old me was able to multitask and have a great work/life/healthy relationship balance. After becoming a mom I was lucky if I remembered to brush my teeth sometimes. I became bombarded with things I had never fathomed prior to being a mom; like the stress of how many ounces I was pumping in a day in between a full day of clients, all while struggling with the guilt of being away from my new baby. I couldn’t keep up with the demands that had once motivated me to be a perfectionist. I was failing.. at everything. Guilt consumed me constantly. I stopped cooking meals from scratch or going to yoga weekly as I once loved to do. Instead, I subconsciously put pressure on myself to be the best wife, the most attentive mom, and caring therapist. I convinced myself I could do it all. It was almost as if I was suffering from an identity crisis as I was secretively failing to accept my new body and my new life, while I literally couldn’t tap into myself again. I felt like I lost my essence completely. I had gone from being a purposeful, successful, ball juggling health nut that prioritized all elements of my relationship daily, to a sloppy, stressed, milk-producing robot that lost her spirit and had no alone time. To be 100% honest, I still struggle with this sometimes due to the demands of watching our daughter full time during Covid. BUT… here’s the catch, if we talk about it, we release the pressures and demands. If we explore our insecurities, understand where our demands of ourselves and others are coming from, than we can work on letting them go. If we become more aware of our pain, it dissipates. The more we allow ourselves to talk to our partner, our support systems, our therapist, the more we are able to restructure the expectations that don’t serve us, as well as heal from the emotional turmoil and stress that comes with being a parent.

As I mentioned, having a baby has moments of joy and beauty, as well as moments of sadness and grief. I’m brave enough to talk about this part, because I know many parents struggle with admitting this process. You will grieve parts of your old life; whether it be your freedom, energy levels, sex-drive, body, or relationship. You will go through a process in which you may want to fight hard to get all of these things back and you may struggle with this because, you can’t.

I share with you all my vulnerable story to help you all understand that this process is a journey for sure and there is no perfect outcome. Even though life causes us struggles sometimes, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent or a bad person. It doesn’t mean you are failing at life, it means you are learning from it.

Interested in getting support from us through couples therapy or individual (new mom) therapy? Contact us today! We would be honored to help!

The post Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

How to stop stress and anxiety from getting out of hand and triggering past trauma : 5 Tips | Co-written by Arrezo Azimzadeh, BA, Psych, Behavioral Therapist & Owner of Wish Upon Arrezo

Stop stress and anxiety: Have you ever noticed your hands getting sweaty on a first date or felt your heart pound during an exam? Well, then you are aware that you can feel stress/anxiety from both your mind and body. When we go through stress/anxiety, our bodies flood our nervous system with cortisol and adrenaline putting us in a state of “fight or flight”. If you have experienced old traumatic events such as childhood abuse or disloyal relationships, then you know that any stressful experience can activate your hidden memories or “triggers” automatically. These memories are typically hidden to protect us from recurring emotional pain. However, over time these memories, triggers or chronic stress/anxiety can cause psychological complications in all areas of our life.

The combination of reactions to stress/anxiety is known as the “fight-or-flight” response. This was intended to be a survival mechanism enabling a quick response in a threatening situation.

The sequence of hormonal changes and physiological responses help an individual fight the threat off or flee to safety. However, the body can also overreact to stressors that are not life-threatening, such as societal pressures, family difficulties, and relationship conflicts, but can still give off the same chemical reaction.”

In an article by Harvard Health Publishing.

Because the modern human is not generally fighting off man-eating predators, but is often facing emotional/societal external pressures, we can be fueled with fight or flight energy daily. This can lead to high blood pressure, anxiety disorders, chronic depression, addiction, and obesity.  It is important to be aware of how your body reacts to stress/anxiety in order to consciously stop yourself from going down a mental storyline or memory that only feeds your perception of the threatening situation, (i.e. feeling more stress/anxiety and/or experiencing past trauma).

Here’s an example; it is March 2020 and Samantha is soon to be graduating. She is experiencing lockdown with her new boyfriend, roommate and roommate’s boyfriend for over a month. She recently lost her job, had a quarantined birthday, took her last quarter of college online and continued to experience tragedies in her family. She was frustrated, disappointed and angry, but she bottled up her emotions and became even more isolated. Samantha was unaware that the stay-at-home policies had created a reality where she was reliving a similar negative experience from her childhood.

“Growing up it was difficult for me to feel like I had a sense of self-identity in my household. I did as I was told, suppressed my feelings and was always at home because my parents wanted to keep me safe. When I got to college, I learned how to be independent, speak up when I wanted and cope with my stress through working out and eating healthy. Quarantine changed everything because I felt like I couldn’t do much on top of the fact that my boyfriend kept demanding me around. It had been a long time since I felt this much confinement and I was shutting down.”

The frustrating experience of feeling trapped again caused Samantha to no longer feel in control. Her “fight-or-flight” mechanism kicked in and she reacted to it as she innately knew how to. In times of stress our brains revert to how we once used to handle situations, which can cause us to regress our growth and forget how to move forward. Does this sound familiar?

Before you get too stressed out reading this article, it is important to know that not all stress is “bad” stress! Momentary stress, such as last-minute assignments, or tight deadlines can boost your brain’s performance. It’s just about establishing a balance.

Here are 5 tips on how to stop stress and anxiety from getting out of hand and triggering past trauma:

Tip #1 How to Stop Stress and Anxiety: “Sit in your sh*t”… err, emotions.

You’re probably wondering, how can I stop myself from triggering past trauma? Well for starters, we would advise that first you sit with the feeling no matter how uncomfortable it is. Intentionally, focus only on your emotions at that moment. Try saying out loud to yourself, “I feel ______ and it’s ok.” (Use this emotion wheel if you are struggling with identifying your feelings.)

Why is sitting with your emotions helpful? Well, because like anything, an emotion is fleeting. We promise the feeling will pass when you don’t attach a storyline to it, even if the storyline was once your reality, it doesn’t mean it is in this moment.

When the feeling does pass, you will have a better understanding of how you truly feel, not just be stuck in a reaction of flight or flight. You will also start feeling more empowered to face your stress/anxiety without feeling completely out of control and debilitated with undesirable symptoms.

Tip #2 How to Stop Stress and Anxiety: You don’t have to believe everything you think.

Try not to think about old upsets, by simply saying to yourself, “I don’t have to listen to everything my thoughts say.” When you suffer from stress and anxiety, you are having a complicated relationship with both sides of your brain: the cognitive brain and the emotional brain. Anxiety is only felt when signals from the emotional brain overpower the cognitive brain and into our consciousness.

When you have thoughts that your anxiety will never get better, that’s your emotional side of the brain working to protect you in case of failure. It can feel like your mind is torturing you to worry, analyze, seek reassurance, or shut down with thoughts of what could go wrong; but your mind is doing what all minds do, it is warning you in order to keep you safe. So, be conscious of what is happening and enable the thoughts to come and go and realize it’s your mind doing it’s job. The important thing is not what thoughts you have, but what you do when you have them in that state. So the next time your mind starts filling your head with triggers, reassure yourself that it’s a false alarm and sit with the emotion without listening to your brain.

Tip #3 How to Stop Stress and Anxiety: Quick, don’t react!

Refrain from an immediate reaction, by realizing that it is only an attempt to control the situation or get out of it. If you give in and react, you begin to lack logical thinking as your body and mind regress to old coping mechanisms. If you identify how you react to stressful situations, you can put yourself in a better position to manage it. Even if you are unable to eliminate stress from your life, how you react to it can determine whether you regress or progress.  According to Mayo Clinic these changes can significantly improve your stress and anxiety levels:

• Cut back on your obligations when possible. Take a look at your schedule and find activities, meetings, chores, or dinners that you can cut back on for the time being. That way you don’t overwhelm yourself and accidentally react right away. 

• Prepare ahead. Stress begins to pile on when you run out of time. Stay on top of things that may trigger stress (meetings, trips, appointments, family dinners, etc) and schedule realistic goals to get each task done. For example, if traffic jams stress you out then build that time into your schedule so you don’t overload your mind.

• Pick up a new hobby. When you start something exciting and new, it can calm your restless mind. Try art, gardening, reading, etc – but make sure these things don’t cause you to get competitive because the goal is to stay relaxed and stress free.

• Stay Active. Scientists have found that exercise benefits can soothe stress levels and give you a feeling of power over your body and life.Exercising, and physical activity produce chemicals in the brain known as endorphins which can enhance your brain’s emotional need of feeling good and positive.

By learning new ways to handle the situation before it occurs, it can put you in a better position to manage stress and anxiety. So, always remember to take a step back, and refrain yourself from the impulsive reactions before they control you. 

Tip #4 How to Stop Stress and Anxiety: Practice Mindfulness Daily

By practicing mindfulness regularly, you will improve your brain function, which will enhance your ability to avoid excessive stress. It increases your capacity to savor the pleasures in life, helps you engage in activities and creates healthier ways for you to deal with stressful events.

Behavioral therapists state that, “By focusing on the here and now, many people who practice mindfulness find that they are less likely to get caught up in worries about the future or regrets over the past, pay attention to their thoughts and sensations without judgment, and are able to improve physical and mental health over time.” 

In an article by Harvard Health Publishing.

Mindfulness meditation works to build your concentration. Here are a few mindful techniques:

• Sit quietly and focus on your breathing as you let your thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations come and go without judging how you feel about it. Just let them pass through. 
• Pay attention to what comes to mind and discover whether it’s a physical or mental need that seems to pop-up the most. Do not focus on a particular feeling or idea, but rather allow your thoughts to flow, to evaluate the habits. This will give you a better understanding of what to work on for later. 

• Continue the process daily. It may not seem relaxing, but over time it provides the key to unlock wider and wider ranges of thinking. 

For more mindful meditation techniques visit, Benefits of Mindfulness. 

Tip #5 How to Stop Stress and Anxiety: Connect the dots.

By understanding your trauma and coping mechanisms, it may be very helpful for you to realize which ones still work for you and which ones provoke more stress. Marla Paul, Health & Medicine Editor showed that individuals remember hidden traumatic events when they are in a similar state of mind:

“A process known as dependent learning is believed to contribute to the formation of memories that are inaccessible to normal consciousness. Thus, memories formed in a particular mood, arousal or drug-induced state can best be retrieved when the brain is back in that state.”

In other words, our minds are able to remember past memories when under a similar amount of stress and may provoke us to behave in ways we used to. For example, if a child had to parent their parents growing up, they may have learned to cope by being super self reliant and rigid in their behavior. When the child grows up, they may find themselves incredibly overwhelmed with daily tasks and often have panic attacks because they don’t know how to ask for help. If they never connect the dots from childhood to current panic attacks, they may never see that their coping strategy to be self reliant has its limitations in adulthood.

It is important to recognize that our bodies will naturally want to revert to its old ways of coping, but by being aware of and practicing new coping strategies will only remind us that our past can only have control over our future if we allow it.  

Want even more support with your anxiety and stress? Contact a therapist and explore how they may help!

The post How to Stop Stress and Anxiety From Triggering Past Trauma : 5 Tips appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Relationship Red Flags: How do you know if your relationship is toxic? Watch for these red flags. 

As many of you know, relationship red flags may be hard to identify. Because relationships by nature are hard and require a lot of work, you may ask yourself sometimes “is this really healthy?” We have all been there. It can be challenging to know how to identify what’s a “normal” amount of dysfunction and what is down right toxic.

Here are some examples of relationship red flags to watch out for:

#1 Your partner never accepts accountability for their actions. Or if they do, they make sure to say “but I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t done X.”

#2 You never feel heard/considered in the relationship.

#3 You often question your own sanity or feelings. You may get stuck in self doubt, shame and guilt.

#4 You’re afraid of your partner’s reactions/judgements, so much that you find yourself altering or censoring yourself often.

#5 You struggle with being honest with your family/friends about your relationship. You may even start to isolate from people that were once close to you.

#6 You start becoming someone you don’t recognize.

#7 Your partner uses your vulnerabilities against you.

#8 You constantly feel like you’re in a power struggle in everything that you do.

#9 Your partner directly or indirectly demands things from you. There is no compromise in the relationship.

#10 You had high self esteem until this relationship.

#11 You feel controlled.

#12 You cannot see yourself as your own person. Your partner has become a part of your identity and you need their approval and love.

#13 Arguments are volatile or abusive in any way.

#14 You feel intimidated.

#15 Your partner acts completely different around other people than they do when they are with you.

#16 You catch your partner in repeated lies. Even they are small.

#17 Your partner is highly defensive and never shows their vulnerable side to you.

#18 Your partner refuses to see other people’s perspectives in anything they don’t agree with.

#19 You feel coerced in having sex.

#20 Your partner calls/texts you constantly when you are away.

#21 Your partner does not support you doing new things and acts threatened often.

#22 Your partner threatens self harm in an attempt to cause a reaction out of you.

#23 You and/or your partner is unwilling to go to therapy. (If you are too afraid, they are too defensive).

Relationship Red Flags: How to walk away from a toxic relationship

If you find that you are in a toxic relationship, but struggle with feeling confident in getting out, here’s what you can do. First, if you are in an abusive or threatening relationship it is important to have a safety plan in place, (protective factors such as a place to stay, access to authority, etc).

It can also be incredibly helpful to have a safe, unbiased confidant like a relationship therapist. Because they are also educated on understanding human behavior, they will have a better perspective on what’s “healthy” or not. They are there to support you with building the self confidence and awareness you’ll need to leave the relationship. They can help you create and practice necessary boundaries to help you through the transition. Therapy can also help you connect any dots from past/childhood that may be impacting your current situation/feelings, which may help in healing any past traumas that are being impacted with your current situation.

Lastly, educate yourself on unhealthy relationships, personality disorders and/or addiction if applicable. This is something you can do in therapy, or on your own. Education is helpful at de-personalizing the problem and getting you to see the reality of a toxic situation.

Thank you for reading Relationship Red Flags: What makes a relationship “toxic?” Have you gotten out of a toxic relationship? Please share what helped you!

The post Relationship Red Flags : What makes a relationship “toxic?” appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

8 Tips on How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Staying Grounded During Times of Social Isolation and Fear

How to Stay Calm During COVID10 Outbreak | I’m not a scientist, a doctor or a politician; but what I am, is human. The threat of a new virus spreading throughout our planet is a terrifying reality. It has killed many people, as well as caused panic and hysteria for many others. Maybe you have found yourself detached from the fear, but are more or less feeling stir crazy being stuck in your house, questioning whether or not you should meet up with a friend for a cocktail or even go to the grocery store. On whatever level you find yourself physically or emotionally impacted by COVID19, your life is disrupted.

Now what do we do?

My advice for staying (or becoming) calm during a trying time of social isolation and unknown is to find the silver lining. Not to be insensitive or to minimize anyone’s experience, but more or less trying to help reframe the fear that can often be debilitating for many of us. Ask yourself, “What can I personally learn or even gain from this misfortune?” It is important during these times to self reflect, to understand what it is that you are really feeling and to challenge yourself to not avoid, but work with the things you can’t change.

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak : Tip #1

First off, this is a great opportunity to start learning how to detach from your obsession with control. You’ve more than likely been conditioned to believe that the more you do the more you can control any outcome in your life. Right now especially, you may feel completely anxious, helpless and scared because it is obvious you can’t control any of this. It is OK to feel scared about what’s happening; it is something unknown in our lifetime.

The thing you have to remember, is our anxiety is bred on unknown experiences. We need to learn to allow anxiety to be a normal part of the human experience without trying to fix it. Without judgment, obsessing over it’s cause or without complete avoidance of it altogether.

The second we try to fix our anxiety, is the second we dismiss our emotions. The second we dismiss our emotions, is the second we make our fears even louder and more irrational. The second our fears become irrational, we feel completely tormented by them and then we are stuck in panic. Bottom line, don’t try to control anything right now. Accept that control is an illusion. Realize that most likely one of the biggest fears you are struggling with is less about the virus and more about what you can’t do to stop it.

It’s time to remind yourself that this is not your responsibility to fix (because one person can’t possibly fix this), but your responsibility is to help. This can look like honoring the social distancing no matter how uncomfortable, donating money, food or toilet paper, supporting local businesses by ordering take out, etc. Do your part without feeling the weight of fixing it.

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Tip #2

Take this opportunity to be socially isolated as a meaningful time to reflect and explore things about yourself, your home, your partner, your children in ways that you are always “too busy” to do. When do we ever give ourselves a substantial amount of time to just reflect? To be bored? To be so present that you feel every little noise inside of your body? If this sound incredibly uncomfortable to you, I’d challenge you to ask yourself, why? Be grateful that on some level, during a moment of social isolation, is calmness in its rawest form. We can cherish this moment to breathe and take it slow. We need that, in a world full of GO GO GO.

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Tip #3

Keep perspective. After you’ve allowed yourself to feel your feelings, write down all the logical pieces to this outbreak and give yourself permission to remind yourself that this too shall pass. Generations prior to our’s have struggled with chaos and have managed to pull through; we will all pull through this chaos too.

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Tip #4

Change your habits. Period. During this time of social isolation, you may start to realize how much your phone alerts you of upcoming news breaks or you may become more aware of how many hours you may spend scrolling through endless content on social media. Even if you follow “positive” people on social media, you cannot get away from the bombarding negativity that is generated through ads or stories.

Your habitual relationship to your phone is making you more fearful, less empowered and way more susceptible to feeling lonely and depressed!

Turn off all alerts, take a break from social media and if you need a positive distraction, find a show on Netflix because at least you can “control” its content!

You should also limit the amount of COVID19 exposure you have; if you’re more sensitive to what you are watching/reading/discussing, limit yourself to COVID19 news to once a day for 20 minutes to stay up to speed with what’s happening without absorbing so much that it becomes a detriment. You will be ok not knowing EVERY hourly increase of the number of people affected by the virus, or how many points the stock market has swayed. It’s time to live smarter, not harder and ask yourself which of your habits are actually contributing to the fear, isolation and loneliness and which are supporting you and your mental health.

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Tip #5

Use this time to nurture your faith. Faith doesn’t have to be religious, (although it can absolutely be), but it can mean you find space to deepen your beliefs in a higher power, energy, protection, guardian, support, and/or comfort. This can be incredibly soothing to us in moments of feeling out of control and/or lost. If you are unfamiliar with what faith means to you, try initially reading about different types of spirituality/religions to gain a knowledge on practices and values that may speak to you. If you are more logical of a person, focus on your faith in science and technology; the resilience of the human species. Whatever you need to help ground you.

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Tip #6

If you aren’t wanting to spend much time with friends and family in person, be sure you FaceTime, text or call often. Maybe plan to watch a funny movie together, even if you’re afar.

Whether you live alone or with people, start creating traditions. Text your friends daily horoscopes and discuss it later in the afternoon, at 3pm stop and drink a cup of tea, try to meditate daily? Whatever it is, this could be a good time to implement a daily tradition that becomes sacred.

If you are in a relationship and live together, plan intentional time to actually sit and talk to each other. I have included a fun Communication Activity to inspire some intimate communication.

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Tip #7

Go on a walk or jog in your neighborhood and find 5 things that you’ve never noticed. Practice mindfulness daily. It is pretty eye-opening when you start to realize how many things are in your daily environment that you have never seen. This can even go as far as freckles on your partner’s face, spices in your cabinet, your dog’s antics. What is around you that you have never really noticed?

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Tip #8

Bottom line, be grateful. We often forget to appreciate the luxuries of our life– we want something, we get it. We aren’t often told we can’t have something, let alone can’t go somewhere. So take a moment to reframe your “needs.” Do you have shelter? Do you have clothes? Do you have love? Do you have food? Do you have water? Do you need that specific brand of hand sanitizer or that 15th box of cereal? Do you need to get out of your house to enjoy dinner? Do you need immediacy and instant gratification? It is so easy to sit in the fear and negativity in moments like these, but it’s OK to look out your window and truly appreciate the beauty that still exists if we choose to see it. In moments of scarcity, we can truly identify what our real values and needs actually are.

Gratitude is the antidote to fear. So count all the amazingness that surrounds your everyday.

Take a moment to really appreciate all that we take for granted daily.

All and all, plan to cook a meal that takes more than an hour to prepare, deep clean your closets or clip your dog’s nails. Have sexy time with yourself in a hot shower, or ask your partner to join. Do the things that we often avoid because we “don’t have time.” Do the things that you “wish you had time for,” because now, you have no excuse.

And… wash your hands!

The post How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Dating someone with borderline personality disorder can sound really scary.

Dating someone with borderline personality disorder can also sound really serious. Especially if you’ve never heard of a “personality disorder” in general or have any idea what it actually means. Mental health as a whole can be very nerve racking if we don’t have a full understanding of what is really going on. I write this blog specifically because the majority of my individual clients struggle with a personal relationship with someone that has a personality disorder, specially Borderline Personality disorder… (and they don’t know it).

So What is Borderline Personality Disorder? According to psychiatry.org “Borderline Personality Disorder is a pattern of instability in personal relationships, intense emotions, poor self-image and impulsivity. A person with borderline personality disorder may go to great lengths to avoid being abandoned, have repeated suicide attempts, display inappropriate intense anger or have ongoing feelings of emptiness.” Studies believe Borderline Personality Disorder may be caused by trauma, genetics and/or learned behavior. People with this disorder may also have comorbidity which means they have multiple disorders at once (such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc).

Although this definition of borderline personality disorder is accurate, it may not be incredibly helpful because borderline personalities don’t always show up in this way. People that have BPD can be incredibly loyal, loving and empathetic. They can be self aware, empathic and compassionate. As their partner or friend, you may be their ultimate favorite person that they cherish greatly; but they may also easily become possessive or are very irrational at seemingly the drop of a hat. Your relationship with them may be just as pleasant as it is difficult and you may be really suffering as to understanding why. If you feel as though you are questioning your own behavior, morals and/or reactions often, and/or have been feeling an extreme uncertainty about what is going to make them happy again, you may want to read on. 

Here are a few examples of how you may be experiencing a borderline personality in your relationship.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #1: Their Reactions Are Often Disproportionate to What’s Happening

You may find that you struggle with understanding their reactions at times and question if you are being insensitive. You may find little things, (like not answering your phone), set your partner through the roof. You are confused by their disporportionate emotions at times and can’t logically comprehend why they are so upset. You may find yourself asking “why are you so mad?” which may only make the situation more reactive. You may find yourself thinking “this is so irrational,” but you can’t calm them down. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #2: The Honeymoon Stage was ELECTRIC 

You felt electricity that was unlike any “spark” that you have ever experienced in a relationship before. The sexual chemistry may have been explosive from the very beginning, and/or your emotional chemistry was easy. You may feel as though you are addicted to this part of your relationship and often try your best to get it back. You’ve convinced yourself (and possibly friends and family) that the highs are way more valuable than the lows, and you do your best to hang onto the moments you two are in bliss.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #3: They Are Never Wrong

Because your partner is often very black or white, you may notice a pattern that your partner does not accept accountability for their behavior, (which typically means they never apologize.) They somehow find a way to make you feel guilty about something you did that caused them to lash out in the way they did. Even after the argument has settled, you may still find yourself feeling invalidated for multiple occasions. The relationship often feels one-sided and as though there is no room for your needs or feelings. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #4: They Are Deep and Emotional

You’ve experienced vulnerable moments with them that have made you fall deeper and deeper in love. They seem self aware and able to articulate their experiences of the past in ways you may have never experienced anyone do before. They may have been in therapy for years and talk a lot about their past. You find this level of depth intriguing, when it is not projected at you.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #5: Your Relationship Feels Like a Yo-Yo

You’ve never felt so loved and so hated by anyone, ever. This yo-yo effect in your relationship may lead to a lot of confusion, curiosity, hope and frustration for you. It’s a mystery and at times you may feel you are the only one that doesn’t get it, but you want to figure it out. You may find your inner child gets triggered a lot and you may get to a point when you feel like a defeated shell of yourself. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #6: You Have Anxiety, All the Time

You may find yourself constantly confused, which results to a lot anxiety and self doubt. You may not be able to identify the source of your partner’s shift in mood, or the level of emotion that is being expressed, so you walk on eggshells. You may start to analyze your own character and become insecure or resentful. You are often struggling with understanding the why of their negative or extreme reactions toward you, so you struggle with knowing how to assert your needs. You may ask yourself, “Am I crazy?” “Did I totally perceive this situation wrong?” “Do other people think I’m just a terrible person, too?” “Why does my partner do this? I would never do this to them.”

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #7: You Don’t Feel Trusted 

You don’t ever really feel trusted by your partner, even if you haven’t “done” anything to give them the impression you are untrustworthy. People who struggle with borderline personality disorder are incredibly vulnerable to the idea of abandonment. They want to be loved unconditionally (like we all do), but they often struggle with trusting full heartedly because they are often suspicious of people’s motives.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #8: You Feel Guilty

You feel guilty often and probably take accountability for things that you don’t believe are for you to own; but you do this to keep the peace and to de-escalate the situation. Maybe you’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser so this dynamic may be somewhat of a comfort zone to you, even if it doesn’t feel great. You may become obsessed with the getting back to a good place with your partner so you can become the most special, beloved, and needed person on the planet again.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #9: There Is No Room For Your Feelings/Needs

You feel as though you aren’t allowed to have needs because every time you express them, your partner completely dismisses you and refuses to accept they don’t offer these needs to you. They may turn a situation back on you and express in detail how much they do for you that you don’t appreciate or see. They don’t see your point of view, but expect and demand you to always see their’s. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #10: They Dislike Most People

Your partner may have a strong victim mentality and you start seeing it more and more in their personal life outside of you. Maybe they don’t have many friends because, “they are all back-stabbers,” or they complain constantly about their coworkers because they are all “bullies.” Maybe their family is the total “enemy” and the reason for all of their suffering. Either way, you can start to get a glimpse into their lens of the world, which is everyone is against them.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #11: People in Your Circle Say, GET OUT.

You friends and family may have cautioned you multiple times about this relationship. If you have been transparent with your friends and families about your partner’s behavior, then most likely your best friends or close relatives have expressed their concern for you.  (Or, another example of dating someone with borderline personality disorder is the reluctance you may have to actually tell others around you the full story of what has been going on in your relationship because you’re ashamed, embarrassed and/or scared. So you often hide your feelings and confusion from close ones around you and try to process it all by yourself. You may also be in denial).

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #12: You Are Terrified to Even Think About Breaking up With Them

If you have questioned breaking up with your partner, but fear retaliation, their volatile reaction and/or them self-harming as a reaction, this is a strong indicator that your partner is struggling with BPD. 

So let’s say you relate to most of these examples. Where do you go from here? A part of you may feel a lot of relief, but you may also have a lot of fear about how to proceed. The tricky piece to many personality disorders like Borderline Personality, it is an ego syntonic disorder, (which means an individual is unaware of their symptoms). This makes healthy longterm relationships pretty challenging (if not downright impossible), because they are often incapable of recognizing their (negative) part in the dynamic. If everything is perceived from their eyes as your fault, you may never feel seen, understood or appreciated in your relationship.

Ego syntonic disorders are also limiting in treatment, such as accepting the idea that they could use individual therapy or couples counseling, because they often think everyone else is the problem. The counseling experience with borderline personalities can often play out where they refuse to come altogether, or participate but the moment they feel the therapist is not on their side they can feel abandoned or become volatile. Or, they could find a therapist that only validates their perspective, which may only perpetuates their victim narrative.

If there is willingness from your partner to want to explore help, there are specific treatments available such as PCH Treatment that are designed to support borderline personality disorder that have shown to be successful. Often medication can help for the other possible symptoms such as depression and anxiety, but there are currently no “cures” for personality disorders.

If you think you are dating a person with borderline personality disorder, my advice is to seek your own individual counseling. You can gain support in educating yourself on this disorder, as well as learn the tools to navigate your own feelings and explore your own blind spots, and understand what you gain from this relationship. From that point on, you may be able to navigate a conversation about supportive treatment with your partner or at least have more perspective about how you’d like to proceed.

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