How to Navigate a Breakup | A Relationship Therapist’s Story and Tips on How to Cope

Written by Lauren Aldridge, MA, MFT-C and co-written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT

How to navigate a breakup isn’t as black or white as we have often heard. Breakups cause the painful stuff that countless poems, songs, books (and now this blog post) talk about. A broken heart is a universal human experience. It seems to also be one of the many inevitabilities of life- so why does it feel so uniquely isolating when you yourself are navigating one?

Well to start, we know that isolation is the crux of many mental health issues/crisis. When isolated, we can fall victim to ruminating and repeating powerful and often subconscious trauma stories and feelings that only make us feel more rejected and confused. We as relationship therapists see people stuck in this place regularly. We hold space for our clients’ range of emotions that seem to pop up automatically, while they try to heal and make sense of the end of a relationship that was once very meaningful to them.

Love isn’t perfect; nor is it easy. We can all fall in love hard in the beginning but once the work is required to sustain the spark and understanding, most of us struggle at executing. It is a well-known fact that divorce rates in Western countries sit at around 50% (Forbes, 2023). So it stands to reason that most, if not all of us will navigate a meaningful breakup at some point in our lives. To separate from a person you care(d) deeply for and who you have shared intimate pieces of your life with is no small thing. It brings up many conflicting emotions and can feel at times like you’re being tossed around on the deck of a ship in a storm scrambling for solid footing.

Breakups can feel like they split us open- they make us feel raw. They invoke a unique kind of grief, because although it is “final”, we often don’t get the closure we feel we “need.” I personally know this feeling, and less from the empathy I experience from my clients anxiously mulling over “how to navigate a breakup” in session, but more from my own experience of experiencing a recent breakup myself.

A relationship therapist’s story on heartbreak:

Here’s something you may have never thought about, but one of the most interesting processes of being in this profession is having to navigate our own relationships while simultaneously holding space for other’s. It’s having to be the guide in facilitating intimacy and depth between two vulnerable human beings, all while working through our own life transitions in our own relationships. We have to find a graceful space to separate the two parts of us at times, so we can be effective, safe and supportive therapists. We are trained to know the difference between effective self disclosure, (when the therapist shares something about themselves for the purpose of relatability, connection and to mirror vulnerability to clients) and “dumping” onto clients our unprocessed feelings we just need to get off our chest. (PS. If you feel your therapist is more the latter, passing judgments and/or sharing something about themselves that makes you feel uncomfortable rather than validated, that is a counseling red flag!)

The reality is, my clients do not need to know about how I felt after I got a parking ticket last week, or about how moved I felt after seeing the wild flowers on my run this morning. More importantly, my clients don’t need to know about the sadness I have personally experienced when I have sat with intimate relationships professionally, while mine had been slowly slipping away.

They may have benefited from me sharing that seeing them fight so hard for something I felt I did not have in my own partnership, invoked admiration and hope for me. While on the other hand, they wouldn’t benefit from me letting them know that it also exacerbated my frustration and loneliness at times, as I had to face the harsh reality of my partnership struggling with having that level of dedication to work.

During my recent breakup, it was a very strange duality to help couples connect and grow in my professional life (something am I still full heartedly passionate about), all while feeling disconnected from these concepts in my personal life. On harder days, it was confusing and the work I was providing felt hollow; I would leave work feeling like an imposter filled with self doubt. “How was I able to help folks navigate their intimate relationships, talking ad nauseum about healing and connection, when I could not crack the code of my own partnership?” It was like being on the other side of a thinly veiled curtain I could not glimpse behind.

To make this point know, in our industry we call this “counter-transference,” which basically means because we are human, we may experience our own triggers while navigating our client’s process. The good news is, we vow as professionals to always be aware of these experiences, as well as work on our personal healing through avenues such as our own therapy, consultation with other professionals, spiritual depth work, etc, so we don’t unintentionally harm our clients. Now having spoken to other couple therapists about this unique process, I know I am not alone in having experienced the counter-transference when we are supporting couples while our own partnerships are struggling! I also know I am not alone in how powerful of a tool this irony could provide. How to navigate a breakup while also holding objective and supportive space requires a lot of self awareness and self care as a professional, but for the sake of being vulnerable here, I want to shed light on the human underneath the therapist hat.

Believe it or not…We couple therapists, go through breakups and dysfunctional relationships at times, too.

After all, we are human right? For the purpose of practicing what I preach as both a human and as a therapist, I believe vulnerability is the only way to grow and learn. I wanted to be vulnerable in sharing an impactful piece of my personal life to shed light on the fact that the human experience does not discriminate and even if your therapist doesn’t directly tell you that they know what you’re going through the next time you navigate heartbreak, chances are… they do. 

As I reflect more I understand part of my challenge was separating “Lauren the therapist” from “Lauren the human”. Navigating my recent breakup has been challenging in the sense that Lauren the therapist is analyzing, exploring and trying to make sense of, while Lauren the human is simply riding the waves and trying to cope. When feelings of disappointment in myself for not “being the expert and living my example” come up, I feel pressure to compartmentalize these two identities. Keep them separate.

In the professional therapeutic setting, I have to separate my emotional self regardless of what I’m personally going through to be able to support my clients objectively. In my personal life, it is very difficult (and futile) to distinguish where these identities blur or separate and I have to bring both of them to the surface while I do my emotional unpacking.

I have come to the realization that I am living exactly what I challenge my own clients to do. I am going inward and being honest with myself. I’m not judging myself for not having all the answers to life’s hardships and the reality truly is, the end of my relationship does not undermine my ability to be an effective therapist. Just like the end of your relationship does not undermine your ability to have a stronger relationship in the future. Choosing to do the right thing for me was hard- excruciating, even- but for the sake of honoring my deepest authenticity, I am living the example I aim to set for my clients. I am doing my best and allowing my relationships to help me learn more about myself. 

In the spirit of truth, some days it was hard to choose to “show up” for my clients during that chapter of my personal life. At moments, I felt exhausted, and sometimes fearful I would not have the room or ability to hold space for my clients who I cherish, but to my surprise, continuing to honor my commitment to show up for all their rawness has been, in fact, the most healing part of this process for me!

Being a therapist and witnessing genuine connection from folks who lay it all out on the line for the sake of healing is remarkable. Loving each other, and most importantly loving themselves through it is even more incredible. My clients know that it is a hard process, and gut-wrenching at times, but they show up for each other anyway. This is where I believe my clients teach me just as much as I teach them. Not only do I get to experience my own heartbreak in my personal life— feel my subjective emotions and work through the confusing grief, but I also get to witness other people’s subjective emotions as a observer and guide. I get to open my heart to sharing a unique bond (even if our professional relationship is one-sided), as well as facilitate a safe space which is something we all need when we are feeling lost. This process helps me understand different pieces of my own breakup from seeing and experiencing my pain through different lens.

Experiencing the deep and at times murky waters of our healing, there is something more beautiful and powerful than words- it goes beyond most “left brain” conceptualizations of the human experience. This unfolding invokes sort of primal understanding and I get to bare witness to it as well as feel it. In the counseling process it is not in the absence of sadness, pain, or stress that bring awareness, change and healing, but in fact it comes when we  embrace those very things we have been taught to shove down.

So, what should clients understand about their therapists? Well for one, you teach us a lot too. You help remind us of the beauty in vulnerability, the tenacity and strength of healing, as well as help us see things from different lens that continue to support us in our personal and professional growth. 

And in essence, remember that we are walking (or have walked) the same path that you are. There are roadblocks, and hurdles, and sometimes mountains to climb in everyone’s lives. There are moments of pure joy and deep sadness that we have to move through, too. Regardless of what we do for a living, we are all truly connected.

So thank you clients, for ironically helping me navigate a breakup, even sitting on the other side of the couch as your support system.

Below are some tips on how to navigate a breakup on your own, with tips on how to cope.

​​​How to Navigate a Breakup | Tips on How to Cope

Tip #1: Ask yourself what this breakup brings up for you.

What story is being repeated over and over and where is this story even coming from? Is it fair to say that this story is an old story that gets triggered whenever you experience hardships? Is this story about your worthiness or past rejection? Is it a mistrust of humans? Perfectionism maybe? Is it possible that this story is only validating your past trauma?

An even bigger question, is it possible for you to look at this situation in any other way? (Example: How can this breakup teach me the opposite of my trauma story?) How do I avoid continuing to perpetuate my old trauma and look at this breakup from a new lens and not an old one.

Tip #2: Ask yourself if  it’s possible that you saw this coming or had gut feelings but you didn’t listen to them.

If so, this is NOT an excuse to beat yourself. Sometimes lessons aren’t always obvious in the moment (can we say “hindsight is 20/20?) Guilt or shame are never going to help you, and in fact, it’s only going to make your healing last a lot longer if you beat yourself for not doing x, y, or z.

Instead, if you felt as though you had suspicions about this relationship, but didn’t listen to them, just simply sit with this and ask yourself from a curious space, why didn’t I? What was I afraid of? Is it possible that you were rushing into this because you felt you needed this relationship? Is it possible that you don’t listen to your internal gut feelings because you are often disconnected from that part of yourself? Is it possible you didn’t want to “fail” at this relationship so you wanted to push through the red flags? Maybe you’re realizing you struggle with speaking up or setting boundaries. If so, why? Whatever comes up, be kind to yourself and try to find space to make the decision to be more loving and and aware of your intuition moving forward, because your intuition may actually be your best friend in guiding you to a healthier version of yourself… thus a healthier relationship.

Tip #3: Compile a list of lessons you have learned (or need to) from this experience.

Are there relationship patterns you see in your past? Is there a particular “type” that you are drawn to? Ask yourself if it is possible that this “type” of person may have attributes of anyone else you know in your life. A parent maybe? We often strive to not date people like our parents if the relationship wasn’t healthy, but we often subconsciously draw those people to us because this type of functioning is all we energetically and emotionally know. If we want to break certain habits and patterns in our relationships, we have to start looking inward about our unmet needs. About our own identities and roles in relationships. Sometimes it’s helpful to understand more about our coping mechanisms (ie. People pleasing due to having parents that wouldn’t listen or accept us), verses our actual authenticity (desire to be seen and respected). Often times we a don’t even know that we are trying to work through our pain from past wounds (from parents or past partners) in our current relationships…

When trying to identify lessons, ask yourself if there were any ways you could have shown up in you relationship that cause disconnect, inauthenticity or mixed messages? If so, address why these things may have been challenging for you. Find the root.

Nietzsche said “To live is to suffer. To survive is to find some meaning in the suffering”. To use our pain for connection, rather than isolation- that is the collective challenge of being a human and you may be able to find true meaning in your pain if you look for ways in which this heartbreak has helped you learn.

Compile a list of who you want to be in your next relationship and honor these changes for yourself. Remember, it’s important to grow  and learn from breakups, not dwell in shame and isolation. You deserve to be loved and no one is at fault, but rather relationships show us things we have to learn about ourselves in order to be accepting of the love we deserve and want.

Tip #4: Compile a list of needs and wants you have from a relationship moving forward.

Make it a commitment to yourself to advocate for these needs, just as much as you work on your own development. Again, work through unpacking why accepting this kind of relationship or love is something that may be challenging for you. Sometimes we feel we will never find it, so we settle. Sometimes we are too eager to be in our happily ever after that we are blinded. Sometimes we don’t even know what we need or want and expect our partner to explore that for us. Whatever your case, be kind to yourself. This is the work we all have to do. 

Tip #5: Journal and/or talk to someone such as therapist or guide.

Having support right now is crucial. Can’t say this enough… but don’t isolate yourself. Be aware of the stories you tell yourself while you’re journaling or talking to someone. These stories are not as real as you feel they are, but rather they are a memorialized story lodged in your nervous system and mind from past trauma. Being able to separate the two is key in your healing journey and a trusted therapist can support you in learning how to do this.

Also, when we let others bear witness to us- all of us- it is powerful. This is why therapy can be so transformative- for another person to sit with you, raw and unfolding, and say “I see you and I honor you” is everything. Our brains like it. Our bodies like it. It is what we are designed for. But here’s the kicker- you must let people see it. Vulnerability is one of the greatest challenges many of us will face. It is so scary, and yet holds the key for so much. Remember, us therapists go through our own turmoil, too, so we truly do get you. 

Tip #6: Forgive.

This one can be tricky; but it will bring closure to you regardless of ever getting validation from your ex. They may never give you what you feel you need; they probably didn’t give you what you needed when you were together, so why expect anything different now that you are broken up?

Forgiveness can be a powerful tool in learning how to see this relationship as a lesson/gift in your journey, rather than a wound that has now debilitated you for the rest of your life.  Forgiveness does not have to be two people coming together and finding closure together. Forgiveness is about intentionally learning how to restructure your thoughts and feelings for your greater good. Otherwise we are repeatedly stuck in fight/flight/freeze and resentment becomes our state of being.

As Nelson Mandala says, “Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die.”

Need more help with this concept? (Talk to usTalk to us!)

Tip #7: Rebuild with Empowerment.

Your ego is probably really hurt right now, and that’s ok. You may feel completely broken, hopeless and angry. In order to rebuild with empowerment and compassion, you need to allow yourself the space to grieve. Grieve ebs and flows. Give yourself time and patience, but also set a date when you feel you’re going to honor a change in your life. On that date, you begin to pick up the pieces of the broke puzzle and decide to not let past trauma keep you stuck in past behavioral/emotional/mental victimhood that it has related to for years. I often say, “victimhood and empowerment are on the same coin,” we just have to learn how to flip it. You got this and we are here to help!

Tip #8: Reframe. Reframe. Reframe.

Change really does occur when we can change our neuro-pathways in our brain. We have to exercise mental gymnastics everyday. Catch yourself in story; alter it. Visualize yourself happy, in a new healthy relationship and feel that energy. Embrace that energy in your state of being. Practice mindfulness, exercise and meditation.

Tip #9: Set Boundaries.

A breakup is an ending, so for your benefit, keep it that way. Until you don’t feel emotionally charge when you think of this person or your past relationship, our advice is to keep a firm boundary in separating  your life. Don’t follow this person on social media, don’t text or call, say our final goodbyes in person or if that isn’t an option, write them a letter and encourage yourself to set boundaries in creating your new life without this person. (And yes it is supposed to be hard….)

Want to chat with us? We are happy to help you if you’re questioning “How to negative a breakup!”

The post How to Navigate a Breakup appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

If you are a momma, you have probably asked yourself “Why is being a mom so hard?” If you find yourself struggling with the concept (and execution) of being a modern mom, you are NOT alone! Being a new mom is one of the biggest life transitions you will ever experience. Although it is beautiful and rewarding, there are moments when it is also catastrophic. This may seem a bit dramatic, but if you find yourself in the thick of an identity crisis and feeling like you are failing at everything, (and can’t ask for help), “catastrophic” is actually completely accurate. Many moms don’t seek the support they need for various reasons; one being that our culture’s expectations of modern mothers are near to impossible to meet!

If you think about it, modern moms are still expected to work and make a “successful” living independently; modern moms are expected to be fun but authoritative, patient but stern, sensitive but not hovering. We shouldn’t let our kids watch too much TV, play video games or the iPad. We should be engaging with our kids constantly; be teaching them something and helping them navigate their delicate and confusing emotions. We are expected as mothers to tend to our children’s every need without babying them. We are expected to work and earn a successful living without asking for help or getting special considerations from our employers. We are constantly expected to be better than previous generations.

We are also expected to be in control of the household, of our children, of our own autonomy and financial freedom, yet if we are perceived as too controlling, we went off the deep end. If we need help, then we are really asking for too much. On top of this, we also have the pressures from society as women, to be sexy and youthful; as wives/partners, to be attentive and patient. To not be needy, and to be confident. We are expected to have it all together.

Modern moms are expected to carry on traditional gender roles, all while thriving in the modern privileges of gender equality.

Well, aren’t these expectations too much?

If you were anything like me prior to becoming a mom, you had all your ducks seemingly in a row. You controlled everything; you were on a tight schedule, you took care of yourself, and your needs. You had a career, you were driven, and passionate. Hell, you even brushed and flossed daily. You, were seemingly on top of your game and then all of a sudden, your life literally turned into something you couldn’t recognize anymore. Your body was wrecked, your relationship sucked and you couldn’t sleep more than 4 hours at a time. Even though everyone told you, “sleep when the baby does,” you piled more and more to do’s on your plate because nothing seemed to ever get done. Eagerly attempting to get back to some sort of resemblance of your old self, you felt like you were failing at everything you attempted. I asked myself every 5 minutes it seemed… Why is Being a mom so hard? Is it this hard for everyone else? Unfortunately, I became a martyr and blamed everyone else for my setbacks. I was hormonal, exhausted, and was depleted from trying to do everything I had once been able to do, all while being a perfect, attentive, loving mother.

It was too much, and I was frustrated that no one talks about it.

Instagram influencers and the media all portray how glamorous being a mom is. With all the accessories and expensive gadgets, it seems odd that as a mom you would be struggling with regret or loneliness, when everywhere else tells you you should be happy. It’s amazing how our culture continues to promote modern women on these social media platforms; Instagram promotes “real” lives, yet none of it portrays the whole story. Social media is so counterintuitive to what is reality, yet we continue to use it as a barometer to gauge our level of success/beauty/normalcy/acceptance. Society creates so many judgements already, which divides us mothers, and makes seeking support additionally challenging.

The reality is, moms are over worked, under appreciated, and feel lonely. They also encounter judgments on all sides from other mommas that keep them feeling more and more isolated; working moms verses non-working ones, adoptive moms verses “natural” birthing ones, vaginal birthing moms verses c-section moms, breast feeding moms verses formula feeding ones, religious moms verses spiritual ones. The list goes on… It’s challenging enough being human, let alone raising one and not feeling you have unconditional support in any corner. We haven’t even started to discuss the division within your partnership and how challenging managing responsibilities in a modern household can truly be. Moms often feel unseen by their partner, especially if they are men, and the loneliness of not being understood as modern mom really sinks in. Then, if you’re a millennial mom, you may have many friends that don’t have kids, making it even more isolating to feel understood with others around you.

The year 2020 really threw a wrench in the mix and caused a lot of moms to “fail” even more, (I know I did!). Some working moms had to quit their jobs, take leave of absences, got laid off. Some stay at home moms had to learn how to support their child’s every academic/emotional/social/mental need all while taking care of the households. Some working moms had to do that and work. The year 2020 only glorified the lack of support mommas face and many of my clients (including myself at times) felt completely lost.

I personally think women’s rights and the journey to equality are moving in the right direction. We as women, have made it so far with being able to have the liberties that we have always deserved. This, in theory is GREAT! However, I still think we as a society have a long way to go. Modern mothers are constantly asking themselves, “Why is being a mom so hard?” “What happened to me?” “Did I ruin my life?” “Why am I failing at everything?” and are pushing themselves too far to accomplish perfection in everything they are expected to do, (which isn’t attainable!) Then, often times, we get stuck with the shame and guilt of needing to ask for help, or admitting to ourselves and others that sometimes this is just too hard. A big part of our pressure as moms is society’s fault, but another big source of our pressure is self induced. I think modern moms are generally more educated and embrace self care more than previous generations. Many mommas want to advocate for being a “better” parent than the one(s) they had because they struggled in childhood.

Many mommas push themselves too far because they are struggling with self love.

As moms, we have to acknowledge that no matter how much we love our families, we cannot feel whole until we prioritize self love. We have to take care of ourselves, our needs and prioritize our own emotional well being. We can’t continue to prioritize perfecting our responsibilities, in a subconscious attempt to find purpose.

We are still going to mess up; we are still going to negatively affect our children; we are still going to fail; we are human. We have to take the pressure off ourselves by admitting these truths. No matter how much we work on perfecting our lives, we may never have it all together. The most successful children come from parents that are able to acknowledge that; that give them an example of what it looks like to be insecure. We all grow and learn from leaning into our fears verses trying to control and cover them.

If you feel as though you are juggling bowling balls and can’t catch a break, it isn’t because you are flawed, momma, it is because our society puts too much pressure on us. We put too much pressure on us. Don’t let your guilt take over and make you feel like a horrible person. Your guilt is often being activated by fear and sometimes we need to just admit to ourselves we are fearful. We have to accept we don’t have control of the world; we don’t know what is going to happen politically, socially, environmentally. We don’t know how this year is going to affect our children in the long run. We don’t know how to manage our day-to-days! We are doing our best and it’s OK to be afraid that you don’t have it all together.

You are not the only mom that feels this way. I promise. Take time to nurture yourself daily, even if it is 10 minutes. Take time everyday to connect to your inner child and work on healing yourself from what you’ve been protecting your kids from. This will be the key to self love and exploration that helps you connect to your true inner strength and purpose. Us moms do a lot, and we don’t have to continue to be burdened by this unattainable expectation of perfection.

We can help!

The post Why is Being a Mom So Hard? appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : 5 Things to Consider

So you’re having a baby! Or thinking about it… With all that spare time during 2020 transitions, it makes sense that there is a huge baby boom on the rise. It’s exciting and scary… and all of the things, right?! So how do you prepare? Having my first baby was one of the most unpredictable experiences I have ever gone through in my life. Even being a Relationship Therapist, I was not prepared for what I encountered as a new mother, or the challenges I would face in my own marriage after we became parents. A lot changed for me/us; and in fact, even two years after our daughter was born, a lot continues to change.

I decided to write about how to prepare your relationship for new baby, because I truly believe many parents do not discuss how challenging being a new parent can be openly. Not that I want to project my experiences, or jinx your’s, but I wanted to reach out to those new parents that could relate or new parents trying to become aware of the potential shifts in their new phase(s) of life… especially during the inconvenience and uncertainties of Covid. As a brand new mom, I remember feeling isolated, confused and really resentful for (what felt like) a really long time. I wasn’t immediately joyous, elated and put-together as every Instagram story glorifies. (I gave up Instagram after I became a mom by the way; it did nothing but make me feel inadequate, lonely and angry at our society). My isolation only intensified when I realized I couldn’t share these feelings with anyone without the fear of being judged as a “terrible mom.” Nothing could have prepared me for the conflicting feelings I experienced and unfortunately, no one had ever shared their challenges as a new parent with me so I felt completely lost.

I was confused by my feelings and resentful toward my partner, as I perceived his life had barely changed while mine flipped upside down. I was terrified when our daughter unexpectedly came a month early; only weighing 4lbs and although she was thankfully healthy (just tiny), she cried constantly when we brought her home for the first 4 months of her life. We had to feed her donor milk through a tube for weeks, while I desperately pumped every 90 minutes (in between trying to breast feed every 60 minutes) to activate my milk supply. She didn’t sleep more than 4 hour blocks for almost the entire first year of her life. To say the least, I.. was… spent. Exhaustion was an understatement and I oscillated between guilt of not wanting to be in this role to pure comfort when I finally felt a grip of calm presence with her effectively nursing or cuddling. She was truly a gift, but I had NO idea what I was in for.

As new parents, our relationship dwindled at times and we really struggled with the adjustment to parenthood even after being together for over a decade. There were times we said it was almost too much, (I can finally understand why people divorce after children, because there did come points where we considered it). Although that wasn’t want I really wanted, I think I was desperate for a “break,” and the only logical “break” I saw myself able to control was the one in my marriage. Thankfully, this didn’t have to be our default solution (and really it wouldn’t have solved much anyway), and we managed to work through a lot as we juggled raising our daughter together. Now we just have to continue to practice these tools while we juggle raising our toddler during COVID with no childcare! This… is… LIFE, right?

Again, my story is not to stress or scare anyone; it’s also not meant to say that your experience will be this challenging. I’m sure there are many new parents out there that are a lot more mentally and emotionally prepared to adjust to the changes than we were, (which would have made our situation significantly easier!) We chose to wait to have a baby until we were in our early to mid 30s and had already been together for 10 years. Life as we knew it was fun and filled with selfish freedom. We never wanted children, but considered it one time and then quickly got pregnant. We didn’t have a lot of understanding of how it was going to change our lives until it did.

So, if you have any fears, or you are going through a big adjustment personally and in your relationship after having a baby; please do not feel alone! You are normal… Parenthood is just as beautiful and rewarding, as it is devastating and draining.

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : #1 Bask in the Glory of Being a Duo

While you’re preparing for baby, enjoy being the two of you… Like really. It will never just be the two of you ever again. I know this tip is so cliche; so many people told us while I was pregnant to “enjoy date nights” or go on a “babymoon,” but literally nothing could have prepared us to fully realize the extent of what that meant to our duo partnership. Instead of stressing about traveling for a babymoon (especially during COVID), I’d suggest being more intentional about deepening your intimacy even if you are at home in quarantine. Explore your sexy time, deepen your conversations, create something sacred that you do together every week or month and carry that ritual with you when baby arrives. Cuddle a lot, relax and be lazy; SLEEP. Really try your bests to not take these moments together for granted, because these freedoms will become nonexistent for a period of time.

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : #2 Discuss Parental Roles and Responsibilities

If you haven’t already, have a real conversation about what you both would like your roles and responsibilities to look like when baby comes. Are you taking time off work? If so, how long? Will you need help? If so, for how long? Who will be helping? What are your options during Covid? How much are you both willing to spend on help? Is someone staying home? What are their responsibilities? Who wakes up with the baby at night? Are there any foreseeable adjustments to your finances if someone isn’t working as much or at all? If so, how does this affect your lifestyles? How much do you need to pay out of pocket to have a baby? Do you have insurance, what does that cover? What are your fears? Etc… Etc. Having these conversations are beneficial when attempting to create a practical partnership, as making assumptions about these things can definitely cause disappointment and resentment. These conversations help both of you feel on the same team and when baby comes, you may alter the plan, but at least the two of you have some understanding about what it practically looks like.

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : #3 Work on Underlying Issues Beforehand

It could be a good idea to start couples counseling while you’re planning or preparing your relationship for new baby. The reason being, often having a baby only glorifies the issues that have always been a struggle in your relationship. Tack on sleep deprivation and hormones; working on painful reoccurring issues in your relationship are going to be the last thing you want to give your precious energy to. Counseling can also be very helpful with learning how to have challenging conversations about values, conflicting ideas or parenting, and/or your intimacy and body/hormonal changes. It’s important to realize that having a baby only illuminates issues verses mends them and even if for a period of time those issues go away, they will most likely resurface while the two of you are struggling with managing any down time, (which can be frustrating).

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : #4 Work on letting go of control

Again, cliche, I know; but this is a big one. If you are a Type A, disciplined and planned out person like I was, (and especially if you are going to be carrying the baby), it is crucial for you to learn how to relinquish control, as well as refuse responsibility of all the things you can’t. This is a tough one, because maybe your entire life you have been in control of your decisions and body and it has served you well. Unfortunately, being pregnant and the actual labor process is often never as you plan. Your baby’s temperament or needs are often never as you plan. (Again, something I/we learned the hard way). We thought we could control the outcomes of everything and keep our lives totally the same; we would laugh and say to ourselves, “not our life” when people would come up to me with a huge belly and tell us jokingly, “say goodbye to your alone time you two!” We always thought that if we worked hard enough, we could make anything happen. We would say to each other “our relationship will always come first, then baby.” I laugh at that now because for us, that wasn’t possible and we still struggle with making that possible sometimes. Our reality was, the needs of our baby had to come first, which made our alone time individually and our together time lack. Work on being more gentle with yourself and possibly explore some individual counseling to help you better prepare for accepting the unknowns that will inevitably pop up in your journey.

Prepare Your Relationship for New Baby : #5 Be prepared to grieve

This doesn’t mean life won’t be fun again, or that your body won’t heal, but the process of grieving what was can be really challenging if you aren’t prepared to lose and adjust to those changes of your life/self. After having a baby, you change. Period. This isn’t a “good” or “bad” thing, it just is. After having a baby, you have to make adaptions to things you have never had to be confronted with before. This was really painful for my experience, as I judged myself for having these feelings and suppressed them for a long time. I thought something was wrong with me for not being able to be the “badass super human” I had always identified with before; in the past, the old me was able to multitask and have a great work/life/healthy relationship balance. After becoming a mom I was lucky if I remembered to brush my teeth sometimes. I became bombarded with things I had never fathomed prior to being a mom; like the stress of how many ounces I was pumping in a day in between a full day of clients, all while struggling with the guilt of being away from my new baby. I couldn’t keep up with the demands that had once motivated me to be a perfectionist. I was failing.. at everything. Guilt consumed me constantly. I stopped cooking meals from scratch or going to yoga weekly as I once loved to do. Instead, I subconsciously put pressure on myself to be the best wife, the most attentive mom, and caring therapist. I convinced myself I could do it all. It was almost as if I was suffering from an identity crisis as I was secretively failing to accept my new body and my new life, while I literally couldn’t tap into myself again. I felt like I lost my essence completely. I had gone from being a purposeful, successful, ball juggling health nut that prioritized all elements of my relationship daily, to a sloppy, stressed, milk-producing robot that lost her spirit and had no alone time. To be 100% honest, I still struggle with this sometimes due to the demands of watching our daughter full time during Covid. BUT… here’s the catch, if we talk about it, we release the pressures and demands. If we explore our insecurities, understand where our demands of ourselves and others are coming from, than we can work on letting them go. If we become more aware of our pain, it dissipates. The more we allow ourselves to talk to our partner, our support systems, our therapist, the more we are able to restructure the expectations that don’t serve us, as well as heal from the emotional turmoil and stress that comes with being a parent.

As I mentioned, having a baby has moments of joy and beauty, as well as moments of sadness and grief. I’m brave enough to talk about this part, because I know many parents struggle with admitting this process. You will grieve parts of your old life; whether it be your freedom, energy levels, sex-drive, body, or relationship. You will go through a process in which you may want to fight hard to get all of these things back and you may struggle with this because, you can’t.

I share with you all my vulnerable story to help you all understand that this process is a journey for sure and there is no perfect outcome. Even though life causes us struggles sometimes, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent or a bad person. It doesn’t mean you are failing at life, it means you are learning from it.

Interested in getting support from us through couples therapy or individual (new mom) therapy? Contact us today! We would be honored to help!

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Are You Going To Have Kids? How Asking About Children May Actually Be Hurtful

Are you going to have kids? May seem like an innocent question. Our culture especially finds this a “normal” topic of conversation considering it is just assumed that everyone wants children… or can have them. I work with an array of clients varying in relationship status; single, dating, in a relationship(s), married. My clients have been extremely successful in one way or another and many tend to have their own definition of what they’d like their future to look like (with or without children). I have recently been hearing from clients (and friends), about how the question “Are you going to have kids?” in small-talk can be extremely stressful when their situations are not as cut and dry as the person asking may expect them to be. 

We have all heard it, been asked it, or have even asked the simple question, “Are you going to have kids?”

Our culture and society play a huge role in influencing us to feel, believe and/or experience pressures and insecurities. Universally, it seems to be more of a norm and expectation that one of our top priorities should be to have children. Whether that norm is something we agree with and have wanted for ourselves since we were young, or is something that unfortunately causes internal conflict because we are uncertain, or is something we desire but it is unattainable; this question has a lot more depth to a “yes” or “no” answer. 

Sometimes, people find themselves having to wait longer to have children because they are single and looking for a partner to “settle down” with. Other times, people find themselves in situations where they have a partner and desire to have children, but biologically cannot. Some people find themselves with one child, but not able or wanting a second one. In addition, more and more people are also choosing to not have children and/or get married at all. Everyone’s unique situation and choice is different. 

So, when we meet someone for the first time and are having a surface level conversation, we may not even realize that we may be opening up a raw wound for someone when prompting a simple question such as, “Do you have children?” “When are you going to have kids?” or “When are you going to have another one?”

Maybe asking about children is strictly out of curiosity or to make the small talk less uncomfortable, but unfortunately, this simple question can bring up a lot of emotion for someone who may be struggling with complexities that are not on our superficial radar.

Let’s consider the following scenarios that may make the question, “Are you going to have kids?” a sore subject: 

• This person is or has struggled with infertility/health issues and biologically can’t conceive.
• This person has been in a painful feud with their partner for years regarding children and one person wants them, while the other one doesn’t.
• This person is in a relationship with someone of the same sex and they have been struggling with where to start the process.
• This person has had a traumatizing experience with losing a child(s) or pregnancies.
• This person is single and has extreme desires to become a parent one day but doesn’t have a partner at the moment to make their dreams a reality.
• This person is married, but as a couple has chosen to not have children and feels uncomfortable explaining that to others.
• This person has experienced a discouraging adoption process that did not work out.
• This person adopted a child, but doesn’t want to explain their unique process to others in a superficial conversation.
• This person has a child, but can’t have another one. 
• This person is in the midst of fertility treatment and feels uneasy about it. 
• This person doesn’t want children at all, and feels sensitive to judgement. 

With these few examples, (and yes, there are many others), I hope you can imagine the pain and discomfort that this question can inflict onto someone if they are struggling with healing from a difficult experience and/or feel stuck in a upsetting process when it comes to their relationship(s) and family planning. Often times asking about children imply we are supposed to have them and it can be hurtful for people who may have difficulties creating this for themselves and/or who have chosen to not have them at all.

Please be cautious of how or when you prompt questions like this to other people, because it may not have a cut and dry answer and may really upset someone.

Instead of asking, “Are you going to have kids?” try being more mindful of these potentials moving forward. As a tip, to avoid hurting someone unintentionally, consider trying the following small talk question instead, “What do you enjoy doing on your free time?” This opens up the conversation to potentially talk about children if they say they “enjoy spending time with their kid(s)” or gives you more content to work with in the conversation about their hobbies and interests if they don’t have children or simply don’t have interest in talking about their personal life in too much detail.

Struggling with any of these scenarios in your relationship/personal life? We can help! Contact us today to schedule an appointment.

The post Why You Shouldn’t Ask “Are You Going To Have Kids?” appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.