How to Navigate a Breakup | A Relationship Therapist’s Story and Tips on How to Cope

Written by Lauren Aldridge, MA, MFT-C and co-written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT

How to navigate a breakup isn’t as black or white as we have often heard. Breakups cause the painful stuff that countless poems, songs, books (and now this blog post) talk about. A broken heart is a universal human experience. It seems to also be one of the many inevitabilities of life- so why does it feel so uniquely isolating when you yourself are navigating one?

Well to start, we know that isolation is the crux of many mental health issues/crisis. When isolated, we can fall victim to ruminating and repeating powerful and often subconscious trauma stories and feelings that only make us feel more rejected and confused. We as relationship therapists see people stuck in this place regularly. We hold space for our clients’ range of emotions that seem to pop up automatically, while they try to heal and make sense of the end of a relationship that was once very meaningful to them.

Love isn’t perfect; nor is it easy. We can all fall in love hard in the beginning but once the work is required to sustain the spark and understanding, most of us struggle at executing. It is a well-known fact that divorce rates in Western countries sit at around 50% (Forbes, 2023). So it stands to reason that most, if not all of us will navigate a meaningful breakup at some point in our lives. To separate from a person you care(d) deeply for and who you have shared intimate pieces of your life with is no small thing. It brings up many conflicting emotions and can feel at times like you’re being tossed around on the deck of a ship in a storm scrambling for solid footing.

Breakups can feel like they split us open- they make us feel raw. They invoke a unique kind of grief, because although it is “final”, we often don’t get the closure we feel we “need.” I personally know this feeling, and less from the empathy I experience from my clients anxiously mulling over “how to navigate a breakup” in session, but more from my own experience of experiencing a recent breakup myself.

A relationship therapist’s story on heartbreak:

Here’s something you may have never thought about, but one of the most interesting processes of being in this profession is having to navigate our own relationships while simultaneously holding space for other’s. It’s having to be the guide in facilitating intimacy and depth between two vulnerable human beings, all while working through our own life transitions in our own relationships. We have to find a graceful space to separate the two parts of us at times, so we can be effective, safe and supportive therapists. We are trained to know the difference between effective self disclosure, (when the therapist shares something about themselves for the purpose of relatability, connection and to mirror vulnerability to clients) and “dumping” onto clients our unprocessed feelings we just need to get off our chest. (PS. If you feel your therapist is more the latter, passing judgments and/or sharing something about themselves that makes you feel uncomfortable rather than validated, that is a counseling red flag!)

The reality is, my clients do not need to know about how I felt after I got a parking ticket last week, or about how moved I felt after seeing the wild flowers on my run this morning. More importantly, my clients don’t need to know about the sadness I have personally experienced when I have sat with intimate relationships professionally, while mine had been slowly slipping away.

They may have benefited from me sharing that seeing them fight so hard for something I felt I did not have in my own partnership, invoked admiration and hope for me. While on the other hand, they wouldn’t benefit from me letting them know that it also exacerbated my frustration and loneliness at times, as I had to face the harsh reality of my partnership struggling with having that level of dedication to work.

During my recent breakup, it was a very strange duality to help couples connect and grow in my professional life (something am I still full heartedly passionate about), all while feeling disconnected from these concepts in my personal life. On harder days, it was confusing and the work I was providing felt hollow; I would leave work feeling like an imposter filled with self doubt. “How was I able to help folks navigate their intimate relationships, talking ad nauseum about healing and connection, when I could not crack the code of my own partnership?” It was like being on the other side of a thinly veiled curtain I could not glimpse behind.

To make this point know, in our industry we call this “counter-transference,” which basically means because we are human, we may experience our own triggers while navigating our client’s process. The good news is, we vow as professionals to always be aware of these experiences, as well as work on our personal healing through avenues such as our own therapy, consultation with other professionals, spiritual depth work, etc, so we don’t unintentionally harm our clients. Now having spoken to other couple therapists about this unique process, I know I am not alone in having experienced the counter-transference when we are supporting couples while our own partnerships are struggling! I also know I am not alone in how powerful of a tool this irony could provide. How to navigate a breakup while also holding objective and supportive space requires a lot of self awareness and self care as a professional, but for the sake of being vulnerable here, I want to shed light on the human underneath the therapist hat.

Believe it or not…We couple therapists, go through breakups and dysfunctional relationships at times, too.

After all, we are human right? For the purpose of practicing what I preach as both a human and as a therapist, I believe vulnerability is the only way to grow and learn. I wanted to be vulnerable in sharing an impactful piece of my personal life to shed light on the fact that the human experience does not discriminate and even if your therapist doesn’t directly tell you that they know what you’re going through the next time you navigate heartbreak, chances are… they do. 

As I reflect more I understand part of my challenge was separating “Lauren the therapist” from “Lauren the human”. Navigating my recent breakup has been challenging in the sense that Lauren the therapist is analyzing, exploring and trying to make sense of, while Lauren the human is simply riding the waves and trying to cope. When feelings of disappointment in myself for not “being the expert and living my example” come up, I feel pressure to compartmentalize these two identities. Keep them separate.

In the professional therapeutic setting, I have to separate my emotional self regardless of what I’m personally going through to be able to support my clients objectively. In my personal life, it is very difficult (and futile) to distinguish where these identities blur or separate and I have to bring both of them to the surface while I do my emotional unpacking.

I have come to the realization that I am living exactly what I challenge my own clients to do. I am going inward and being honest with myself. I’m not judging myself for not having all the answers to life’s hardships and the reality truly is, the end of my relationship does not undermine my ability to be an effective therapist. Just like the end of your relationship does not undermine your ability to have a stronger relationship in the future. Choosing to do the right thing for me was hard- excruciating, even- but for the sake of honoring my deepest authenticity, I am living the example I aim to set for my clients. I am doing my best and allowing my relationships to help me learn more about myself. 

In the spirit of truth, some days it was hard to choose to “show up” for my clients during that chapter of my personal life. At moments, I felt exhausted, and sometimes fearful I would not have the room or ability to hold space for my clients who I cherish, but to my surprise, continuing to honor my commitment to show up for all their rawness has been, in fact, the most healing part of this process for me!

Being a therapist and witnessing genuine connection from folks who lay it all out on the line for the sake of healing is remarkable. Loving each other, and most importantly loving themselves through it is even more incredible. My clients know that it is a hard process, and gut-wrenching at times, but they show up for each other anyway. This is where I believe my clients teach me just as much as I teach them. Not only do I get to experience my own heartbreak in my personal life— feel my subjective emotions and work through the confusing grief, but I also get to witness other people’s subjective emotions as a observer and guide. I get to open my heart to sharing a unique bond (even if our professional relationship is one-sided), as well as facilitate a safe space which is something we all need when we are feeling lost. This process helps me understand different pieces of my own breakup from seeing and experiencing my pain through different lens.

Experiencing the deep and at times murky waters of our healing, there is something more beautiful and powerful than words- it goes beyond most “left brain” conceptualizations of the human experience. This unfolding invokes sort of primal understanding and I get to bare witness to it as well as feel it. In the counseling process it is not in the absence of sadness, pain, or stress that bring awareness, change and healing, but in fact it comes when we  embrace those very things we have been taught to shove down.

So, what should clients understand about their therapists? Well for one, you teach us a lot too. You help remind us of the beauty in vulnerability, the tenacity and strength of healing, as well as help us see things from different lens that continue to support us in our personal and professional growth. 

And in essence, remember that we are walking (or have walked) the same path that you are. There are roadblocks, and hurdles, and sometimes mountains to climb in everyone’s lives. There are moments of pure joy and deep sadness that we have to move through, too. Regardless of what we do for a living, we are all truly connected.

So thank you clients, for ironically helping me navigate a breakup, even sitting on the other side of the couch as your support system.

Below are some tips on how to navigate a breakup on your own, with tips on how to cope.

​​​How to Navigate a Breakup | Tips on How to Cope

Tip #1: Ask yourself what this breakup brings up for you.

What story is being repeated over and over and where is this story even coming from? Is it fair to say that this story is an old story that gets triggered whenever you experience hardships? Is this story about your worthiness or past rejection? Is it a mistrust of humans? Perfectionism maybe? Is it possible that this story is only validating your past trauma?

An even bigger question, is it possible for you to look at this situation in any other way? (Example: How can this breakup teach me the opposite of my trauma story?) How do I avoid continuing to perpetuate my old trauma and look at this breakup from a new lens and not an old one.

Tip #2: Ask yourself if  it’s possible that you saw this coming or had gut feelings but you didn’t listen to them.

If so, this is NOT an excuse to beat yourself. Sometimes lessons aren’t always obvious in the moment (can we say “hindsight is 20/20?) Guilt or shame are never going to help you, and in fact, it’s only going to make your healing last a lot longer if you beat yourself for not doing x, y, or z.

Instead, if you felt as though you had suspicions about this relationship, but didn’t listen to them, just simply sit with this and ask yourself from a curious space, why didn’t I? What was I afraid of? Is it possible that you were rushing into this because you felt you needed this relationship? Is it possible that you don’t listen to your internal gut feelings because you are often disconnected from that part of yourself? Is it possible you didn’t want to “fail” at this relationship so you wanted to push through the red flags? Maybe you’re realizing you struggle with speaking up or setting boundaries. If so, why? Whatever comes up, be kind to yourself and try to find space to make the decision to be more loving and and aware of your intuition moving forward, because your intuition may actually be your best friend in guiding you to a healthier version of yourself… thus a healthier relationship.

Tip #3: Compile a list of lessons you have learned (or need to) from this experience.

Are there relationship patterns you see in your past? Is there a particular “type” that you are drawn to? Ask yourself if it is possible that this “type” of person may have attributes of anyone else you know in your life. A parent maybe? We often strive to not date people like our parents if the relationship wasn’t healthy, but we often subconsciously draw those people to us because this type of functioning is all we energetically and emotionally know. If we want to break certain habits and patterns in our relationships, we have to start looking inward about our unmet needs. About our own identities and roles in relationships. Sometimes it’s helpful to understand more about our coping mechanisms (ie. People pleasing due to having parents that wouldn’t listen or accept us), verses our actual authenticity (desire to be seen and respected). Often times we a don’t even know that we are trying to work through our pain from past wounds (from parents or past partners) in our current relationships…

When trying to identify lessons, ask yourself if there were any ways you could have shown up in you relationship that cause disconnect, inauthenticity or mixed messages? If so, address why these things may have been challenging for you. Find the root.

Nietzsche said “To live is to suffer. To survive is to find some meaning in the suffering”. To use our pain for connection, rather than isolation- that is the collective challenge of being a human and you may be able to find true meaning in your pain if you look for ways in which this heartbreak has helped you learn.

Compile a list of who you want to be in your next relationship and honor these changes for yourself. Remember, it’s important to grow  and learn from breakups, not dwell in shame and isolation. You deserve to be loved and no one is at fault, but rather relationships show us things we have to learn about ourselves in order to be accepting of the love we deserve and want.

Tip #4: Compile a list of needs and wants you have from a relationship moving forward.

Make it a commitment to yourself to advocate for these needs, just as much as you work on your own development. Again, work through unpacking why accepting this kind of relationship or love is something that may be challenging for you. Sometimes we feel we will never find it, so we settle. Sometimes we are too eager to be in our happily ever after that we are blinded. Sometimes we don’t even know what we need or want and expect our partner to explore that for us. Whatever your case, be kind to yourself. This is the work we all have to do. 

Tip #5: Journal and/or talk to someone such as therapist or guide.

Having support right now is crucial. Can’t say this enough… but don’t isolate yourself. Be aware of the stories you tell yourself while you’re journaling or talking to someone. These stories are not as real as you feel they are, but rather they are a memorialized story lodged in your nervous system and mind from past trauma. Being able to separate the two is key in your healing journey and a trusted therapist can support you in learning how to do this.

Also, when we let others bear witness to us- all of us- it is powerful. This is why therapy can be so transformative- for another person to sit with you, raw and unfolding, and say “I see you and I honor you” is everything. Our brains like it. Our bodies like it. It is what we are designed for. But here’s the kicker- you must let people see it. Vulnerability is one of the greatest challenges many of us will face. It is so scary, and yet holds the key for so much. Remember, us therapists go through our own turmoil, too, so we truly do get you. 

Tip #6: Forgive.

This one can be tricky; but it will bring closure to you regardless of ever getting validation from your ex. They may never give you what you feel you need; they probably didn’t give you what you needed when you were together, so why expect anything different now that you are broken up?

Forgiveness can be a powerful tool in learning how to see this relationship as a lesson/gift in your journey, rather than a wound that has now debilitated you for the rest of your life.  Forgiveness does not have to be two people coming together and finding closure together. Forgiveness is about intentionally learning how to restructure your thoughts and feelings for your greater good. Otherwise we are repeatedly stuck in fight/flight/freeze and resentment becomes our state of being.

As Nelson Mandala says, “Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die.”

Need more help with this concept? (Talk to usTalk to us!)

Tip #7: Rebuild with Empowerment.

Your ego is probably really hurt right now, and that’s ok. You may feel completely broken, hopeless and angry. In order to rebuild with empowerment and compassion, you need to allow yourself the space to grieve. Grieve ebs and flows. Give yourself time and patience, but also set a date when you feel you’re going to honor a change in your life. On that date, you begin to pick up the pieces of the broke puzzle and decide to not let past trauma keep you stuck in past behavioral/emotional/mental victimhood that it has related to for years. I often say, “victimhood and empowerment are on the same coin,” we just have to learn how to flip it. You got this and we are here to help!

Tip #8: Reframe. Reframe. Reframe.

Change really does occur when we can change our neuro-pathways in our brain. We have to exercise mental gymnastics everyday. Catch yourself in story; alter it. Visualize yourself happy, in a new healthy relationship and feel that energy. Embrace that energy in your state of being. Practice mindfulness, exercise and meditation.

Tip #9: Set Boundaries.

A breakup is an ending, so for your benefit, keep it that way. Until you don’t feel emotionally charge when you think of this person or your past relationship, our advice is to keep a firm boundary in separating  your life. Don’t follow this person on social media, don’t text or call, say our final goodbyes in person or if that isn’t an option, write them a letter and encourage yourself to set boundaries in creating your new life without this person. (And yes it is supposed to be hard….)

Want to chat with us? We are happy to help you if you’re questioning “How to negative a breakup!”

The post How to Navigate a Breakup appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Relationship Red Flags: How do you know if your relationship is toxic? Watch for these red flags. 

As many of you know, relationship red flags may be hard to identify. Because relationships by nature are hard and require a lot of work, you may ask yourself sometimes “is this really healthy?” We have all been there. It can be challenging to know how to identify what’s a “normal” amount of dysfunction and what is down right toxic.

Here are some examples of relationship red flags to watch out for:

#1 Your partner never accepts accountability for their actions. Or if they do, they make sure to say “but I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t done X.”

#2 You never feel heard/considered in the relationship.

#3 You often question your own sanity or feelings. You may get stuck in self doubt, shame and guilt.

#4 You’re afraid of your partner’s reactions/judgements, so much that you find yourself altering or censoring yourself often.

#5 You struggle with being honest with your family/friends about your relationship. You may even start to isolate from people that were once close to you.

#6 You start becoming someone you don’t recognize.

#7 Your partner uses your vulnerabilities against you.

#8 You constantly feel like you’re in a power struggle in everything that you do.

#9 Your partner directly or indirectly demands things from you. There is no compromise in the relationship.

#10 You had high self esteem until this relationship.

#11 You feel controlled.

#12 You cannot see yourself as your own person. Your partner has become a part of your identity and you need their approval and love.

#13 Arguments are volatile or abusive in any way.

#14 You feel intimidated.

#15 Your partner acts completely different around other people than they do when they are with you.

#16 You catch your partner in repeated lies. Even they are small.

#17 Your partner is highly defensive and never shows their vulnerable side to you.

#18 Your partner refuses to see other people’s perspectives in anything they don’t agree with.

#19 You feel coerced in having sex.

#20 Your partner calls/texts you constantly when you are away.

#21 Your partner does not support you doing new things and acts threatened often.

#22 Your partner threatens self harm in an attempt to cause a reaction out of you.

#23 You and/or your partner is unwilling to go to therapy. (If you are too afraid, they are too defensive).

Relationship Red Flags: How to walk away from a toxic relationship

If you find that you are in a toxic relationship, but struggle with feeling confident in getting out, here’s what you can do. First, if you are in an abusive or threatening relationship it is important to have a safety plan in place, (protective factors such as a place to stay, access to authority, etc).

It can also be incredibly helpful to have a safe, unbiased confidant like a relationship therapist. Because they are also educated on understanding human behavior, they will have a better perspective on what’s “healthy” or not. They are there to support you with building the self confidence and awareness you’ll need to leave the relationship. They can help you create and practice necessary boundaries to help you through the transition. Therapy can also help you connect any dots from past/childhood that may be impacting your current situation/feelings, which may help in healing any past traumas that are being impacted with your current situation.

Lastly, educate yourself on unhealthy relationships, personality disorders and/or addiction if applicable. This is something you can do in therapy, or on your own. Education is helpful at de-personalizing the problem and getting you to see the reality of a toxic situation.

Thank you for reading Relationship Red Flags: What makes a relationship “toxic?” Have you gotten out of a toxic relationship? Please share what helped you!

The post Relationship Red Flags : What makes a relationship “toxic?” appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Why Women Leave their “Ideal”Marriages : Three themes I have seen as a Relationship Therapist

*It is important to note that although I am using specific gender pronouns, I am not intentionally meaning to exclude or generalize behaviors unfairly based on someone’s preferred gender identification. This article is an example of themes I have heard in my experience as a couples therapist from heterosexual, cisgender couples. However, this content has and can be a theme in any relationship, regardless of gender and identification. 

Maybe you’ve personally experienced what I am about to discuss, or maybe you have just seen women around you make the decision to leave their marriages. Either way, this blog is intended to discuss certain themes I have seen as a Relationship Therapist that are associated with women in particular choosing to leave their “ideal” marriages.

There’s no denying that marriage and commitment have all been redefined in our society. Generational shifts, gender related shifts, empowerment and free choice have all influenced the ways in which the modern person identifies, views tradition and responds to commitment. 

This isn’t “right”, or “wrong,” but (our) reality is, things have changed.  We may find ourselves confused with what the “right” thing for us is; when we get to a certain age we may find ourselves with a lot of conflicting questions and not a lot answers. (i.e. “Do I want to get married? Why or why not?” “Is this person right for me?” “Do I want children?” “Have a waited too long to make a decision?” “Did I settle?”) The shifts in tradition have positive influences, as well as negative. The negative influences can be that it lacks a supportive direction because we have so many choices, thus leaving us potentially feeling more and more confused with “where to go.” 

As a modern Relationship Therapist, I have seen certain trends that commonly pop up in client’s experiences. One of which is many women making the decision to leave their (on paper) “ideal marriages.” Sometimes seemingly out of the blue, after years of commitment and perceived “happiness.”

When working with heterosexual cisgender couples, statistically speaking, I have had more women make this decision to leave than men.  Again, not labeling or judging this as “good or bad,” just strictly a common observation. Does this surprise you?

In the big picture, I find this interesting.

Obviously every woman, every man, everyone… is different. We cannot possibly chalk this up to one argument that insists “all women who chose to leave their marriages do it because ______.” Rather, I would like to identify 3 causes I have consistently found throughout my experience as a Relationship Therapist that have been leading factors to the why’s of women leaving their “ideal marriages.”

#1 Why women leave their ideal marriage : They’ve “lost and/or have redefined  themselves.”

Simply put, I’ve seen many couples who have been together/committed since they were 19-25 years old and now in their 30s or 40s, the women come to realize how much of themselves they didn’t know and/or explore when they made the decision to share their life with someone.

From their perspective, they may feel as though they attempted to share their new discovery (or desire to discover) with their husbands, but repeatedly felt rejected or dismissed in the process. After months or even years of feeling isolated with this part of themselves rarely exposed, they start to (consciously or subconsciously) pull away from their husbands and feel a sense of emptiness.

They feel vulnerable, conflicted with the newness they have tapped into, but also feel embarrassed or ashamed due to their perceived partner’s neglect in exploring this side with them. This new part of themselves can be as simple as gaining new hobbies; a new friend group; a new job; a new sense of confidence. It can also be as deep as a newly found spirituality, sexual desire, or a new phase in their lives that creates a new meaning in their identity (example: becoming a mother).

Let’s take a realistic scenario. A woman defines herself as a hard worker, independent and self reliant; she gets married, has babies and stops working as much, if not entirely. The woman losses self confidence and independence, and internally shuts off due to her confusion of her own self worth. Her identity has become a “mother” and she doesn’t recognize the other parts of herself that once liberated her. After her children are a bit older she finds herself disconnected from the world, her relationships and even herself; she wants to re-establish and find herself again only to perceive and feel as though she’s met with criticism and judgment from her husband. Her husband may not logically understand what the big deal is, or understand her needs to re-establish her identity and may dismiss the severity. She feels conflicted, abandoned and alone. After years of attempting to restructure her sense of self and feeling insecure and isolated by her partner, she may find herself wanting to end her marriage because she feels there is no other option to feel empowered, confident and authentic again.

#2 Why women leave their ideal marriage : They haven’t clearly communicated to their partner the severity of their fears or needs (until their decision to leave has already been made or an affair has happened). 

Again, not a criticism or judgment. A mere observation I have seen throughout the years when working with couples. One correlation that seems to generate across the board is seeing some women get so defeated by their perception of their failed attempts, that often by the time they get to counseling, they have already made up their mind to leave their marriages. They feel completely discouraged, as many of them feel they had communicated over and over what their needs and fears were, but their partner “never listened.”

Again, no right or wrong, but as the objective perspective in the room, I can see how  some of these women perceive the situation and why it would feel discouraging to them. I can also see their male counterpart’s perspective, that they internalized their partner’s attempts to communicate as being nagged or criticized over and over again,  (i.e. “you never take me out anymore,” or “I’m at home either the kids all day and you barely notice me when you get home,”) and missed reading between the lines of what their partner was trying to communicate (“I’m unhappy, I’m lonely, I’m feeling abandoned.”)

This disconnect in communication is common in all the relationships I work with and I explain it in terms of a “vulnerability scale.” I ask my clients to rate themselves based on a scale of 1-5 in vulnerability. When they come into session, they are mostly speaking their truths in an emotional 5. When they are at home they may only be communicating to each other at a level 1-3.

We don’t realize that just because we are speaking, doesn’t mean our vulnerability and intention is being heard. If we have communicated for years at a level 1-3, no wonder our partner hasn’t been hearing us. A level 1-3 has a tone, is often aggressive or demanding; it is protecting our overall insecurities and is wrapped up in unneccessary content. This message is very different than communicating to your partner at a level 5 and expressing your deepest needs, insecurities and feelings without defensiveness.

The unfortunate part of this situation; it’s simply due to lacking tools. Most of us don’t know how to speak at a level 5 with our partner; most of us feel isolated or misunderstood by our partner at times; most of shut down. Years of perpetuating this cycle, I can understand why couples separate. It’s exhausting. However, my suggestion, if you are currently experiencing this, seek support right away! This could save your relationship…. and in my belief, it can be saved. 

#3 Why women leave their ideal marriage : They realize they have created a life that has only “checked boxes” verses actually being fulfilling in a way they authentically desire.

This isn’t always the case, (none of these are by the way) but I have seen many women get to a place in their lives that they reflect and realize they aren’t really  fulfilled. They start to realize they may have been operating out of societal norms or perceived expectations, and never really gave themselves permission to pursue what they wanted.

Many women may find themselves at a crossroads where they realize the things they “settled for” when they got married, are actually huge needs that aren’t getting met.

They then find themselves conflicted with how to ask their partner for these things when they “knew what they were getting” when they agreed to get married. This is tough because they want to ask for what they need (example: more emotional connection) but know practically that they married a man that doesn’t have the capacity or offer this to them. They feel stuck with suppression, are conflicted and feel stuck. They may also experience extreme guilt, as they may love other parts of their partner but still feel incomplete, (i.e. “he’s such a good dad,” or “he doesn’t cheat, he takes care of me financially and supports my career goals.”)

This blog may really resonate with you; it may shake up a lot for you as well. Maybe you’re a woman who can relate to these feelings… or maybe you’re the man who struggles with understanding why their wife is leaving and/or left. This blog is intended to promote insight and awareness. Everyone’s story and situation is different, and everyone has the right the make their own decisions; but if you’re in a situation that is similar and you’d like to prevent divorce or have a safe space to discuss divorce, counseling can be incredibly helpful. Learning the tools to better understand yourself, as well as how to speak more clearly with your partner, can be exactly what your relationship needs in order to grow.

Counseling can be a preventative tool as well, so it’s never a “bad” time to seek someone out to assist with building more understanding and clarity within your partnership.

Thank you for reading. Please share any and all comments! 

The post Why Women Leave Their Ideal Marriages appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Why Does She Keep Bringing Up the Past? 5 Reasons She Holds “Grudges”

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling

*It is important to note that although I am using specific gender identifications, I am not intentionally meaning to exclude or generalize behaviors unfairly based on someone’s preferred gender identification. This article is an example of themes I have heard in my experience as a couples therapist from heterosexual, cisgender couples. However, this content has and can be a theme in any relationship, regardless of gender and identification. 

“Help! Why does she keep bringing up the past?” Sound familiar? One reoccurring theme I hear from many of my couples is the issue with repairing past conflict. Generally speaking, there have been similarities from what I have heard many men experience and say vs their female counterparts.

Some examples are:

“Why does she keep bringing up the past? It never stops.”

“She never lets things go.”

“She’s so negative.”

“She never sees my attempts at making things better.”

“I am always wrong.”

“She is always nagging at me for something.”

“I don’t get how one little thing can erupt a huge argument about something totally unrelated that happened months ago.”

So, I am sure you want an objective understanding to help you better understand, right? Here are some common reasons why she may keep bringing up the past and holding grudges.

Reason 1 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? |  You aren’t validating her in the way she needs it.

The biggest reason anyone holds onto the past is because they don’t feel heard and/or fully understood by the person they perceived hurt them. (To be clear, validating and helping your partner feel understood in the way they need isn’t your “job.” Forgiveness is a choice for each and every one of us to make to unconditionally, which means letting go regardless of being validated in the way we need; BUT if you are in a partnership, you can both benefit greatly by learning how to validate one another more effectively to help promote forgiveness and healing. Ideally, you should want to do this.)

By validating more effectively, you can try by naming her emotion, not putting yourself into the situation for a moment and just hearing her experience. Ask yourself, What is she saying? And just reflect it back. It is that easy!

For example, you say: “I can understand that I really upset you when I did X.”
NOTHING ELSE is required in that exact moment! Once she feels validated and like you understand why she upset, she can come back to the logical and her defensive and/or emotional state becomes more regulated and soothed. When she is no longer stuck in the emotion, you can then explain the misunderstanding from more of the logical (ie. your experience). “That wasn’t my intention at all and I can see how we misunderstood each other. I meant to do _________. I never intended to hurt you and I am sorry it felt that way.”

The power of validation is tremendous! Now… it is her to turn to work on truly letting it go.

Reason 2 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? |  You keep trying to “fix” the problem.

If your partner keeps bringing up reoccurring issues, it may be because you are trying too hard to fix it, rather than just acknowledge it. Women tend to emotionally process while they externally express; men tend to internally process, then choose to emotionally / externally express. TOTALLY OPPOSITE. Not that one is right or wrong, but we typically go about working through issues completely different.

No wonder you perceive her as incredibly negative! 

She’s not “negative,” she is just working through her emotion in the innate way she knows how; to feel it, then to think about. You may perceive her as negative because you don’t typically feel experiences first in order to process it. Her “negativity” is actually just unprocessed emotions and all you need to do is try your hardest not to take it personally and allow her the space to have emotional reactions while she works through it.

(For the record, she needs to do her best at not projecting them onto you! Just because she is more emotionally expressive does not give her the right to be aggressive toward you without taking accountability or considering how her emotional reaction impacts you).

Here’s an example: Let’s say she comes home and her energy is off. She storms in, throws her purse down and yells, “I hate my job! It’s awful! No one is nice to me in the office and I F** hate it! I’m just so done!” You may innately feel triggered, want to crawl into your shell and turn the TV up. You may think to yourself, “Ugh, here we go again! I wish she was just happy.” You may traditionally react by saying, “You need to look at the positive sides. Look how great your commute is, how much money you make, how early you get off! Who cares what your co-workers think about you.”

Unfortunately you trying to “fix her issue” is actually you trying to “fix her mood,” because her mood makes you feel uncomfortable. She internalizes that as feeling dismissed. She may potentially get more angry and then you both get into an argument. You then feed your narrative, “See, she’s always so negative! Nothing will make her happy,” and she feeds her narrative, “See, he never listens and he doesn’t care about me or how I feel.”

Instead, try giving her space emotionally first. Let her vent and then offer a reflection of validation. “I totally see how frustrated you are with work. It must be hard not to feel liked by your co-workers.”

Reason 3 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? | She doesn’t feel the past was fully repaired.

The bulk of repairing conflict (in a healthy way) is mostly about validating each other’s perspectives without trying to win the argument. If your intention is to be right, then you have lost the ability to repair anything with your partner effectively. Your intention should be to deepen your understanding of each other. This helps you continue to respect each other and feel secure with one another in your relationship. If your partner feels hurt by you, try to understand why instead of getting defensive. It’s natural to then tell them they are “wrong” because you don’t agree or your intention was perceived differently. This then becomes about being “right,” verses validating each other and understanding the misunderstanding. You can clear up any and all misunderstandings by validating each other, and work on creating consistency and awareness for future issues together. 

She needs to learn to validate you objectively, too.  

Reason 4 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? |  You take her moods personally.

Going back to the emotional processing piece, women tend to be more emotionally expressive by nature (or nurture). You may be making the assumption that every time she is emotional or having a reaction that it is PERSONALLY targeted toward you. I know her reactions may seem scary and you don’t want to make an even bigger issue by saying the “wrong” thing, but try to reassure yourself in those moments that “she may not even be upset with me.” Ask her for clarity without being defensive, example: “Are you upset with me?” verses “What the hell did I do to you?” or “What’s your problem?”

At times, she will express that she is struggling with things external to you and your relationship. At this moment, you know it’s not personal, which helps you better support her instead of getting into a huge argument. Ask her, “What do you need in this moment?” or “How can I help?”  Possibly, by just giving her permission to be a little emotional without getting defensive, may help her de-escalate and calm down.

Reason 5 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? | She’s feels insecure and needs something from you.

Most likely, when a partner keeps bringing up past issues defensively, they are feeling extremely insecure in the relationship and they aren’t getting something significant that they are needing. Maybe your partner doesn’t know what is missing, but something may be causing her to feel insecure about your relationship and/or how she assumes you perceive her. She still may be hurt about an issue that happened 6 months ago, but struggles with bringing it up and fears she will not be heard. Unfortunately, she invalidates herself, most likely telling herself that “she’s being ridiculous and needs to get over it,” until she no longer can hold it in. She also fears being a nag and tries her best to let it go on her own. (You’ve probably told her to “let it go,” once before and she fears bringing it up again. She’s probably beating herself up because she doesn’t understand why she just can’t.) 

Unfortunately, ignoring emotion rarely makes them go away and she may find herself exploding at one little frustration that arises. This is most likely why you perceive her as unpredictable and why you feel you are walking on egg shells. As her partner, this is incredibly unfair to you because it doesn’t help you understand what she needs. You are just trying to defend yourself and fix whatever you “did” to upset her.  This is why the two of you need to work together. She needs to do her part and work on understanding her emotions as they come up for her, but she also needs to take the risk of expressing what she needs in the moment instead of waiting until she snaps out of nowhere. This is also why you work on the above tips to help you understand her behavior and needs more, so you aren’t feeling incredibly beat down.

Couples therapy can be tremendously helpful when reoccurring issues are on a cyclical path. A trained couples therapist can help you learn to better communicate about the “issue,” that triggers resentment or fear; as well as work on ultimate forgiveness, which will propel the two of you forward. Contact us today for a free consultation!

The post Why Does She Keep Bringing Up the Past? appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Self Reflection : Is it healthy to stay friends with your ex?

Do you ever ask, “should you stay friends with your ex?” It’s a tricky question for many of us, especially if we haven’t truly identified our own intentions or feelings.

Most modern relationships start with two people having a relationship history. Whether it’s extensive, short or eclectic, our relationship past is usually complicated and sometimes hard to understand.

When starting a new relationship, I have found that some couples struggle with how to approach the topic of their ex-partners. Some clients find themselves sustaining relationships with their ex’s, while others are completely against it. Some clients find themselves worried about boundaries with ex-relationships and have an internal conflict with compromising this previous connection.

When is it inappropriate to stay connected to an ex? In what capacity is it acceptable to remain “connected” to an ex? When are you compromising yourself and your own values when starting a new relationship that has a different philosophy? When is it time to full end your relationship with an ex?

In my professional opinion, I am going to give you a rather vague answer to these questions. It depends. I used to hate when my professors in grad school would say that, but sometimes that’s all you can say. Although this answer is ambiguous, I have learned as a therapist how to appreciate that simplistic, yet confusing answer. It really does depend. Every person is different, every relationship is different, every scenario has its own complications and complexities. All I ask, do your own homework. 

If you find it is important to maintain relationships with your ex’s, please take a moment to reflect and ask yourself why. Are there any subconscious possibilities that have caused you to want to leave the door slightly open just in case? Do you worry about having enemies or anyone from your past having a negative perspective about you? Did you have a ex or two that weren’t good romantic partners, but still show up for you as a friend?

Regardless of your scenario, I think it is important that you be extremely honest with yourself when asking why you maintain relationship(s) with your ex(s). The first two examples may have the tendency to lead you in some relational trouble in the future, (if it hasn’t already). 

Across the board, I feel the following is a good rule of thumb when attempting to establish healthy boundaries and appropriate scenarios with your new partner, as well as with your ex’s:

1. Skip the Short Cut
   • When initiating a new relationship, limit your conversations about your ex-partners. When having the urge to talk about your ex’s, ask yourself ”why do I want to talk about them?”  If you find yourself wanting to talk about them because, A) you miss them or B) you want to make your new partner jealous, my advice is to stop and do some work immediately on yourself. These two examples aren’t necessarily negative, but it does require some hard reflection and possibly some difficult work on yourself before you are fully capable of starting a new (healthy) relationship. Starting a new relationship with someone when you are either A) not over your ex, or B) are playing games to mask insecurities, are not the best foundational blocks to start your new connection on. Understanding your intentions, giving yourself the proper time to grieve ex-relationships and work on self-esteem, will help you on so many levels. Skipping these, are a short cut you do not want to take. Trust me. 
2. Keep Perspective
   • Most often we forget how much our ex’s drove us crazy. Or how incompatible we were together. When starting a new relationship, we have the tendency to compare our ex with our new partner and new red flags may be solely based on our own skewed memory. If we find ourselves holding onto an ex-partner because “they are so great,” we may find ourselves never able to accept our new partner completely and may always have unfair expectations. If your ex is in your life only to subconsciously taunt and confuse you, maybe you should cut ties with them completely so you can officially move on and stop comparing apples to oranges.
3. Be Equitable
   • If you find yourself not wanting to cut off ties with your ex (for whatever reason), be fair and hold the same rule for your new partner. Ask yourself, “How would I feel about this?” Be sure your  new partner understands the capacity of your relationship with your ex and try not to be defensive about it, but rather understanding and allowing of them to have their own reaction to it. Together, you may be able to establish a compromise with comfortable boundaries for all.
4. Keep Boundaries EXTREMELY Clear
   • It is not appropriate to maintain a “friend with benefits” relationship with an ex when you are starting a new relationship with someone else. It suggests you do not take your new relationship seriously and insecurities will most likely cause ruptures in your new relationship. When engaging in a “friends with benefits” relationship with an ex, be sure to be extremely clear about what your relationship is and isn’t.

Of course there are many more scenarios, as well as other complications I did not discuss. With that being said, just try to remember that not all relationships with ex’s are “bad” or “disrespectful” to your new partner, but they can (and will) cause issues within yourself and/or in your new relationship if you aren’t reflecting and understanding of your own intentions.

The post The Ex: Should You Stay Friends With Them? appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Our Relationship’s Dance: The truth about why we argue.

Being an attachment based therapist, I do believe there is a powerful connection to our childhoods and how we form relationships with others in our adulthood. In a sense, in times of conflict, we really do resort to child-like behaviors in an attempt to regulate our emotions and get security from others.

When you find yourself struggling with understanding your partner, your children, or even yourself at times, there is a good possibility you may be functioning from an unprocessed emotion. This tends to trigger an immediate behavior (example: avoidance of conflict, anger, defensiveness, etc). These behaviors have been developed over the years and have become a sense of safety when we are feeling alone. These behaviors usually contradict what we are really feeling and they typically push the people we need safety from, away.

What Happens
In an example scenario, let’s say you pick up your kids from school after a long day. You’re exhausted, they are full of energy, and your checklist of things to accomplish by 6pm seems endless. You finally get home, feed them a snack, and start preparing dinner, all while attempting to help the kids with their homework. With all that is on your plate, you find yourself getting frustrated with your kids for “not focusing” enough and for not taking this time seriously. The food on the stove is starting to boil over and you can feel your irritation start to do the same. Your partner gets home from work… tired and cranky. They plop themselves on the sofa with barely saying a word to you. You immediately become overloaded with frustration and explode. “Why can’t you ever help me? Can’t you see the kids aren’t listening to me? Why do you always come home in a bad mood? Don’t worry about dinner, either! I got it hunny! You never help with anything!” Your partner reacts defensively, then completely shuts down and becomes even more distant. The rest of the night oozes awkward tension until the next day when it seems to happen all over again. The situation is a lose/ lose, leaving both of you with unmet needs and deeper fears being left unsaid and unprocessed.

What can you do?
1. Re-establish expectations (especially if they come within) and become aware of what you really need, why you need it, and how you ask for it.

Take a moment to look inside yourself and ask, “what’s really going on for me?”  Referring back to the example scenario, inside, you may be really struggling with your own insecurities and may not have even realized there is more to your blow up(s) than just being overwhelmed. Maybe you feel expected to have the house cleaned, dinner prepared, and the kids’ homework done by the time your partner gets home and when you don’t get acknowledged, you feel completely un-seen, taken-advantaged of, and feel less of an equal in your relationship. (The catch… maybe your partner doesn’t expect those things from you, and maybe you are giving them the message that you don’t need any help).

2. Examine your beliefs on love. How do you show it? How do you expect to receive it?

We often don’t realize that our partners may have a completely different definition of “how to show love” and when they do not show it the way we do, all other attempts are either misread, unseen, or undervalued. We then develop beliefs about our relationship that fuels our fears, (i.e. “he didn’t call me during his lunch break, he obviously doesn’t care about me”).

In this example, maybe you start to realize that by cleaning the house, making dinner, and helping kids with homework by the time your partner gets home, is your way of showing your love for them… So when you partner comes home and doesn’t acknowledge you or your efforts, it’s taken extremely personal and it feels very hurtful.

3. Become aware of your relationship’s dance.

For example, when you feel as though the love you have put out there isn’t received, you feel completely insecure and terribly alone. This triggers a panic inside of you that isn’t easy to control or effectively express, so you may explode with criticism and demands, because you are flooded with fear and emotion. When you default to nagging behavior, it unfortunately pushes your partner further and further away.

On the flip side, maybe your partner gets triggered by your explosion and becomes panicked themselves with insecurity. Their own thoughts start to also reinforce their fears (“will I ever do anything right? I can never live up to my partner’s expectations. I’m a failure,”) and they also become too overwhelmed to process through it. They may feel completely rejected and useless, and they react by shutting down and distancing themselves from you. This behavior is their default and is a way to protect themselves. When they shut you out, you feel even more alone and when you nag, they feel even more attacked, so the cycle continues.

We call this the “dance” within your relationship that may cause rigid patterns and reinforce unmet needs.

How do you fix this?
Become aware of your relationship’s dance to see the missed opportunities to connect with your partner.

Although it takes a lot of time and safety, it is possible to re-create the dance so both of you are listening to the same music. It is helpful to start recognizing and becoming attuned to your own emotional processes and behavior, and start recognizing the incongruence with how you behave in these moments and how you are really feeling.

When you begin to understand your own inconsistency with your behavior and feelings, you may start to understand your partner may be experiencing the same thing. We often weren’t given a language to discuss our emotions and needs, and we tend to expect our partners to know how to respond to us at all times.

By examining your dance, you may start to gain empathy for your partner and this may open a door for you to connect, instead of argue. You may be able to explain your experience with humility and honesty, verses demand they already know. This is the bulk of building and strengthening vulnerability, (which isn’t usually something we have learned how to effectively do).

How EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) can help your relationship 
When couples come in and explain their issues, I do not see their behavior as pathological, but rather as a response to attachment panic. When we don’t feel connection and security from our partners, we generally react in the only way we know how.

I help couples slow down and take the time to build the foundation of safety that is crucial to exposing those vulnerabilities. I help them establish their own needs and process through difficult emotions safely. This ultimately re-creates their dance, strengthens their relationship, and allows them to understand each other on a whole different level.

It is my job and greatest passion to help couples build the safety in their relationship that promotes intimacy, understanding, and deep connection, so that if their rigid old dance appears again, they are able to understand it, get out of it, and repair the deeper issues.

The post What is really going on in our relationship? appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.