Why Do I Feel Guilty all the Time? | Here’s our hunch and what you can do about it

Do you often question, “Why do I feel guilty all the time?” Feeling guilty is a common issue we support our clients with. It seems “feeling bad” about something can be the result that comes up in any aspect of our lives and can often drive a person to feeling shameful, depressed and/or anxious. From experiences such as worrying about our work performance, setting boundaries with friends or family, or trying to ask for what we need in a relationship, guilt has an interesting way of rearing its ugly head.

So why do I feel guilty all the time? 

Well, to start, we (as in all of us) are all really just figuring this whole “life” thing out, right? We all make mistakes, we all learn from lessons, we all have moments of extreme internal conflict when making decisions. You can’t blame us when you look at all the conflicting and heavy messaging we receive from society, culture, family, religion, friends, social media, etc about what is “good” or “bad” or “right” or “wrong.” Sometimes this messaging is not align with how we truly feel, thus making life more complicated and unpleasant feelings such as guilt and anxiety manifest in such uncomfortable ways.

Because Modern Love Counseling comprises of a group of therapists that support issues (and desires) specifically centered around relationships, intimacy and sexuality, the topic of guilt and shame come up quite often. No matter how progressive and accepting people’s frames of thought are becoming, unfortunately the topics our practice focuses on can inherently breed guilt because there isn’t often a 100% correct or “normal” answer.

It is pretty “human” of us to experience the most internal conflicts about being our authentic selves in the context of our relationships and in our sexualities. This is because we need to expose our vulnerabilities and this is never something that comes easily. When we perceive that we are risking losing people or hurting people that we love or care about, it can be very overwhelming. It is easy for our hearts and our conditioned minds to be at bats with each other.

As an example, we often hear one person of a monogamous couple expressing feelings of guilt when they turn their partner down for sex, all while hearing the other partner express feelings of guilt for wanting sex. It is also common for us to hear singles to discuss feeling guilty about not wanting to be social every weekend; about wanting to set a boundary with a parent or about wanting to end a toxic relationship with a friend, co-worker/job or lover. In almost any scenario a client comes in with, we most likely have heard repeating themes that lead to the question, why do I feel guilty all the time?

Here are some reasons you may feel guilty all the time and what you can do about it: 

Reason #1: You struggle with self care.

If you struggle with taking the time to take care of you in a way that is solely for you, then most likely you will be experiencing constant guilt. This is because you are operating out of someone else’s expectations/needs (or your perception of someone’s expectations/needs) and trying to force something onto yourself that is inauthentic. Symptoms of this can look like being grumpy or reactive, apologizing constantly, not being present or engaged, conflict about spending money on yourself, etc. You may also experience guilt for taking up too much time, guilt for not doing enough, guilt for “overindulging”, guilt for saying something, guilt for having sex with someone, guilt for letting stuff pile up,  etc. When you struggle to take care of yourself in a genuine way, you are neglecting a big part of yourself that is desperately needing some attention. If you are a people pleaser who tries to fix everything and you are realizing that every time you try to take care of yourself you feel guilty, it’s time to practice some serious self love. Start by telling yourself that you deserve self care, why? Because it is imperative to your growth and overall health. Ways to start taking care of yourself in genuine ways can look like taking solo time to do nothing, taking time to do an exercise that is fulfilling to your soul and not to your ego, taking a moment to journal out your thoughts a feelings, take a mid day nap, etc.

Reason #2: You are afraid of failure.

Many of us assume that we can bully ourselves into achieving anything. Many of us are so hard on ourselves that we don’t realize that it’s natural and quite important to struggle/fail sometimes. This is part of life. If we never allow ourselves to fail or to appreciate the moments of “failure” or disappointment as lessons, we can develop a sense of shame with every perceived challenge we face. Symptoms of this can look like having too high of expectations of yourself and others, being constantly disappointed in yourself and others, perceiving you let people down often, feeling self punishment for not being perfect or for needing help, guilt or depression when you sense you aren’t good enough or we aren’t doing enough, etc. Take time to sit down and process where your fear of failure comes from as well as evaluate if the fear you are experiencing is disproportionate to what is actually going on. List ways that your “failures,” disappointments, and/or setbacks may actually have a positive sandwiched in the anxiety. What can you learn from them?

Reason #3: You have unresolved trauma.

Feeling guilty from time to time is a natural emotion. As we mentioned, it can be the response of over committing yourself, having too high of expectations, etc; but if you are struggling with guilt constantly and about every little occurrence, maybe its the response of a deep seeded wound of not feeling worthy. This response can often come from trauma. Neglect, abuse of all kind, accidents, etc, can make a person believe that they are unworthy or lovable. If this be the case for you, therapy is can be a hugely profound resource to helping you uncover your why, as well as help you reestablish a more loving belief system about yourself.

Reason #4: You are worried you are morally wrong.

Reason 3 and 4 can often be interconnected. If you experience anxiety about being morally wrong, this could be the result of growing up with strict authoritative parents, strong religious messaging, racial/ethnic or gender related oppression, etc. If you struggle with asking yourself if you are being a “good person” or struggle with anxiety around identifying what is right or wrong, you may need space to explore more of your hidden desires, needs and feelings to help you determine what path you morally feel is align. Try having more conversations with friends or peers around topics that feel heavy to you to gain different perspectives.

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Why Does My Partner Need Space?

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box

If you have found yourself disheartened with the question, “Why does my partner need space when we argue?” this article may be just what you need in order to build more understanding. Most couples find themselves at times in an repeated conflictual cycle that gets easily activated and is often challenging to repair. Regardless of what you’re arguing about, one person seems to always want space, while the other is desperate to talk things out immediately. This can be frustrating and painful for both parties, as the build up of vulnerable insecurities and resentment can start to ruin the emotional safety in the relationship.

Yikes!

A common complaint in couples therapy is this exact issue. “My partner always walks away from me and we inevitably never solve anything.” or “My partner can’t seem to respect me when I say over and over again to leave me alone…  I need space. I feel pushed until I explode.” The person desiring immediate resolve often feels abandoned, anxious and betrayed; while the person desiring space often feels violated, controlled and is terrified of saying the wrong thing. Unfortunately, both parties don’t express themselves in ways the other person can truly hear, so they continue this vicious cycle of misunderstanding for months or even years. This issue is often the catalyst that brings couples into therapy… or eventually separates them.

“I am fighting for our relationship not fighting against it, but she only sees me as a bully. I don’t know how to make her realize I’m scared to lose her.” -T.D, 32

If you’re in a relationship, then you understand that this cycle feels really defeating if you can’t find mutual validation and repair. After the hundredth time of getting stuck in this cycle, the two of you are probably questioning the relationship and may even become shells of yourselves. As an attachment based therapist, I want to assure you that this cycle comes up in every relationship I have ever worked with and/or heard about in my personal life. This is because we are human and we all have a deep seeded fear of abandonment or rejection in one form or another. On some basic level we may have felt these ways growing up or in a past relationship(s), and this can make our fears even harder to cope with in our current partnership when we can’t seem to get on the same team. Often our innate reactions to perceived threats of rejection, ridicule and/or abandonment come from deep attachment wounds of past experiences that we may not even be aware we have or know how they are correlated.

No human is perfect and regardless of how loving your relationship is, or how much trust and respect you have for each other, sometimes your innate fight or flight response can be triggering for your partner; thus causing the cycle. My husband and I also have a cycle (I call it a “dance”) and I express to my clients that it is important to normalize it, as well as set realistic goals on how to “solve” it together. Instead of looking at your disconnect through the lens of blame, victimhood and/or righteousness, try looking at it as conflicting biological responses to the threat of losing the relationship. When you need repair right away, maybe it’s because you were abandoned by a parent or ex-partner and when you perceive your current partner has had enough, you instinctually panic. It may be irrational, but this is why we have to be gentle with ourselves. We are wired to automatically respond to perceived threats to keep us alive. Most likely your partner just happens to have a differing defense mechanism (freeze or flight) that has kept them “safe.”  If we never get to the level of understanding why we respond the way that we respond, we may end up subconsciously sabotaging our relationship and repeating trauma from our past.

Although this “dance” isn’t fun and can cause a lot of heartbreak, it’s something worth exploring individually, as well as together, for ultimate growth and security building in the relationship.

When more seasoned couples say “relationships are hard work,” they are referring to learning how to establish a balance that neutralizes this cycle. The “work” is learning to recognize the cycle, understand yourself and your partner’s reactions and express your needs vulnerably, to truly be able to see each other’s perspectives and find healing.

Ideally, you would both learn the tools to effectively avoid the cycle altogether, but because this cycle won’t just vanish, you can learn the tools to repair the hurts and misunderstandings effectively so that issues don’t continue to repeat over and over. Sometimes this is only possible with a trained professional.

If your partner’s reaction is to shut down in moments of anxious conflict, I can see how this would feel rejecting and why you might fear abandonment. Especially if they get angry, stop talking altogether, or worse… physically leave. Instead of continuing to torture yourself with the question, “Why does my partner need space?” please read below the possible reasons to hopefully build more understanding of their innate defense mechanism.

Why Does My Partner Need Space? 5 Possible Reasons

1. They were criticized and/or rejected in their past from parents/caregivers and/or friends/ex partners. They may have gotten the message that what they have to say isn’t important or valid. They may have gotten the message that they were flawed in some profound way and thus doesn’t feel good enough.
2. They feel triggered by conflict. This may have to do with growing up with a lot of conflict with parents and/or siblings. This may also have to do with the opposite; they grew up without any conflict and feel very threatened by it. Either way, they struggle with easing their anxiety about confrontation and conflict.
3. They feel intimidated. Think of your partner like a beautiful clam that holds a precious pearl. When in moments of fear, the clam innately shuts itself off in an attempt to protect itself. Evolutionarily their shell is hard and cold, in an attempt to exhaust intruders and protect their vulnerable squishy insides. When closed, the clam feels safe. When open, even half way, the calm feels vulnerable. They are sensitive to predators and often assume they are in the hands of a giant attempting to pry open their shell forcefully with a knife. Eventually, their reaction may be to surrender defeatedly or grip tighter and tighter with a bite.
4. They are slower processors and under stressful situations, need more time to process their thoughts and feelings. You may argue well. You may articulate every feeling and thought you have. They don’t operate like that. Most likely, they feel intimated by your quickness and openness to feelings that they want to make sure they understand themselves before expressing the “wrong” thing. When pushed to communicate, they probably end up saying the “wrong” thing, thus making it harder for them to feel confident in trying to do it again. They may experience pressure from you to know how they feel, thus making it easier to compartmentalize and shut it down completely.
5. They don’t understand the argument/conflict. Sometimes, it is as simple as not understanding what the argument is about or agreeing that the argument is worth actually “arguing” about. Their attempt to shut down is an attempt to stop the argument from escalating. (Unfortunately, they don’t realize that feels like abandonment or dismissive to you).

If one of those reasons may be the cause of your partner’s reaction to flee situations or to shut down, hopefully you can understand with more compassion that they are not actively trying to hurt you. They most likely are not actively trying to torture you by withholding their feelings and thoughts. They aren’t attempting to make you feel abandoned or dismissed. The most advised next step is to seek couples counseling before this issue causes severe harm to your self esteem and relationship’s health.

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Examples of Power Struggles in a Relationship | How to Tell if You Are Butting Heads to Gain Control (and why?)

Awe… the honeymoon phase. Isn’t it bliss? 

There are seemingly no “real” struggles in the honeymoon phase, right? Just fun dates and lots of sex. There’s no arguing about who loads the dishwasher, or picks up the check(s). No one is frustrated about always initiating sex or what to eat for dinner. Life in the beginning was just easy filled with compromise. 

This time in our relationship is “easy,” because we are often lost in lust and oxytocin. It’s also easy, because we are happy to forfeit our opinions in order to make the other person satisfied and to keep them interested. We don’t mind compromise because we all enjoy falling in love. 

So, fast forward a few months… or even some years. You may have found yourselves unhappy and struggling with feeling fully appreciated and/or equal in your relationship. Maybe simple communication is challenging or mutual respect is declining. At times, you may feel frustrated and sad that the relationship you once had feels lost and the person you fell in love with has slipped away. 

Well, you may have found yourselves in a power struggle. 

You may not even realize it, but often times the petty fights you find yourselves in are just an attempt for your voices to be heard/respected, your feelings to be validated, or your contributions to be recognized and appreciated. We often get stuck in the content of “who did what” instead of communicating to each other our vulnerable desires to feel seen in the relationship. Sometimes, we get so stuck on how things used to be, that we start resenting our partners for inevitable changes. 

Here are Examples of Power Struggles in a Relationship:

#1: You find yourselves easily arguing about your (subjective) experiences being a fact. 

#2: You and/or your partner makes regular passive aggressive comments and says they are just “joking.”  

#3: You and/or partner feels entitled to having more decision making privileges, because you/they make more money.

#4: You and/or your partner feel secretively defiant.

#5 You put each other down. 

#6 You get in arguments the second you both have differing opinions. 

#7 You and/or your partner constantly bring up the past to justify their actions. 

#8 You and/or your partner play games to make the other one jealous. 

#9 You find yourselves in competition with each other, and not in a cute way. 

#10 You and/or your partner often threaten leaving the relationship in arguments. 

#11 You and/or your partner withhold sex, intimacy or affection to prove a point. 

#12 You and/or your partner often feels “in trouble.” 

#13 You and/or your partner purposefully want to withhold offering support or help to “teach” them a lesson. 

Power struggles can be a common element to a relationship, but catching them early will help you both determine a healthy way to restructure them. Sometimes, power struggles in a relationship can be due to feeling unheard and sometimes addressing them calmly can be the fix. Other times, power struggles can come from years of built up resentment and pain, which may require a lot more time and tools to heal. Either way, therapy is always a great idea to help you both unpack these negative behaviors and break the cycle for good. 

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How to Support Your Partner with Anxiety : 5 Things to Try

If you’ve never struggled with anxiety, anxiety attacks, panic or excessive worry, than it may be challenging for you to know how to support your partner when they do. Being someone that has had GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) for most of my life, it can be challenging to feel understood. Even having an ability to understand GAD from a clinical standpoint, it can still be difficult to explain my experience or know how to self soothe at times.

I self disclose this because I think it is important for people to understand that anxiety and anxiety disorders can have an impact on anyone. Anxiety is complex and there isn’t a one-size fits all remedy or “fix.” Although women are twice as likely to have anxiety disorders than men, during my counseling career I have noticed that many men experience anxiety without realizing it.

People that experience debilitating anxiety may tell you they feel insecure or ashamed. “I would try to hide my anxiety because I was so embarrassed for being stressed out about dying. I’d notice a new birthmark and would immediately dwell and google skin cancer for days. I was convinced in my fear stricken state that I was dying, yet my rational brain would often say, ‘You’re fine…’ It was almost as if I couldn’t trust which voice to listen to, so I just kept searching online for reassurance until I was so physically and emotionally upset that I couldn’t get out of bed. It wasn’t until then that my partner really started to understand how complex and heavy my anxiety really could become. I was so afraid he would minimize my experience and tell me how stupid I was; I didn’t know how to ask for support, let alone confront him with my fears, so I would often just close him off and then we would get into an argument.” – Alexis, 32. This is an example of health anxiety, which many researchers think close to 15% of the population may struggle with this particular disorder. Someone struggling with health anxiety is often misunderstood and can be dismissed by others around them, including doctors or professionals.

Social anxiety is also very common and many people mask their symptoms by engaging in alcohol or recreational drugs to soothe their fears. This can lead to relational arguments and misunderstandings. It is easy to make assumptions that your partner is just being shy, closed off or awkward; they have a drinking problem or they are socially rude. It is important to understand the root cause, because these may be signs that link to anxiety management instead.

If your partner is struggling with anxiety and you don’t quite understand how to support them, please try these tips:

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #1

Don’t (ever) tell them to “calm down,” “chill out,” or “don’t worry about it.” Although the intent may be supportive, it comes across insensitive and dismissive for the partner struggling with soothing their nervous system and intrusive thoughts. It may seem counterintuitive but try validating their anxiety instead. Validating their anxiety can actually help them put a name to their experience, while also helping them feel understood. “You’re feeling anxious… It’s ok. I’m here.”

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #2

When your partner is not feeling anxious, try to understand what their anxiety is like for them. Ask questions like, “What does it feel like in your body?” “What thoughts do you have when you’re anxious?” or “Do you know what triggers it for you?” or “What helps you when you’re feeling that way?”

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #3

During an anxiety attack, remind them to breathe. Deep and long inhales/exhales are incredibly helpful for their nervous system to calm and can distract their mind from continued panic.

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #4

If your partner has a particular diagnosis, educate yourself on it. By researching what anxiety is, it can be more helpful for you to understand the symptoms from a more objective place.

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #5

Support your partner in seeking a professional help if they aren’t seeing someone already.

How to support your partner with anxiety: Tip #6

Give your partner some grace and always try to exercise compassion. It may be hard to relate to and understand anxiety personally, (or rationally), but the more compassion you can express, the more your partner will feel comforted.

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Couples Counseling Denver : Top 5 Reasons Couples are Seeking Counseling Services in 2022 

Sometimes, seeking couples counseling in Denver may feel like the last resort. Maybe it’s the investment; maybe it’s the fear of what drudging up past issues will do to your relationship; maybe it’s the fear of the unknown. All of these concerns are valid and completely common. Couples Counseling, along with traditional Individual Counseling, isn’t always a walk in the park. In fact, counseling can often feel more like your first 14’er. Included with unpredictable weather and the last minute realization that you completely under packed! Once you get to the “top,” you feel accomplished and confident in yourself, until you realize you have to get back down… ugh.

Like any impactful change, counseling requires commitment. Commitment to being challenged and a commitment to trusting the process. If your relationship has been through the ringer recently (especially within the last 2 years of the COVID era), you aren’t alone. To normalize the desire to seek couples counseling Denver, I wanted to share some of the trends this year that we are seeing post COVID that are bringing couples into our virtual offices. The year 2020-to present day has had a huge impact on our relationships and if you are on the fence about reaching out, please know that couples counseling is here to support your relationship. This is what we were trained to do!

Here are the recent top 5 reasons couples are reaching out to our practice for couples counseling Denver:

#1 To Discuss Family Planning

With the past couple years we have all endured, it would make sense that couples are struggling with future planning. Life pretty much flipped upside down and a lot of things shifted our original plans and goals. Couples are seeking support to discuss fears and/or any build up of resentment about the changes they are experiencing about the unknown of their future planning. If your plans have changed and you aren’t sure how to get back on track, we can help!

#2 To Repair Infidelity

More so than usual, I am seeing an increase with couples contacting us for help with recent affairs or even past infidelity that they had never fully repaired. Maybe there is a coincidence with the last couple years being so taxing on our relationships, maybe not. Maybe the disconnect between partners and any past infidelity has become impossible to ignore. Either way, if you’re struggling with infidelity in any sense, we are here to support both of you with an unbiased and non-judgmental stance.

#3 To Stop Having Consistent Arguments

Couples are mentioning that because of last couple year’s changes, they may have found themselves in the house together more without a lot of outlets. In addition, they both may have been struggling with work/life balance, which has resulted in more consistent arguments. Even if the arguments themselves are not “the problem,” couples are expressing the need to unpack them and understand why they are having more of them in the first place. Couples are seeking the tools to better navigate the transitions in the world, as well as the impacts they have had on their mental health and relationships. Couples are wanting the tools to better repair conflict and build healthy boundaries so consistent arguments don’t consume their day-to-day.

#4 To Better Communicate

Still one of the most popular reasons couples seek support is to better communicate. If 2020 has shown us anything, it is that the unexpected happens sometimes and it is purely out of our control. This can heighten stress and anxiety, which most likely bleeds into your relationship. As mentioned, couples are also struggling with boundaries and personal time. It can be challenging to communicate effectively if you feel overwhelmed and smothered by day-to-day responsibilities. Maybe the two of you haven’t had a “date night” in forever, or you can’t seem to work up the energy to have sex. Maybe your needs aren’t being address and you’re both not prioritizing your relationship in the ways you once did. All of these factors can affect your communication style, which can impact the entire relationship. We can help you both learn to vulnerably communicate, as well as hear each other before making assumptions or getting triggered.

#5 To Help with Social/Familial Dynamics

Because of the challenging years we have all endured, our social outlets and support systems have changed. Maybe it has decreased or maybe there have been a conflict of values that have emerged. Either way, this can be very disheartening during a time when you feel you need others the most. Same goes with family. Maybe the social, political and religious polarities have divided your family and these shifts have caused hurt feelings or tensions in your relationship. Either way, we can’t deny that everyone has their own take on the world and if you find yourself in conflict about it (with anyone you care about) it can be isolating and frustrating. We can help you both get on the same page and work towards building a plan at setting boundaries and working on acceptance together as a team.

“We couldn’t be more grateful for finding Alysha. It’s been about 14 months since we met her and she helped us figure out the right tools and communication techniques to work through arguments on our own. My boyfriend moved in about 6 months before quarantine in 2020, and it was a tough adjustment for both of us when we were more or less the only human interaction each other had. She helped me understand where my partner was coming from (and why) in ways I would have never navigated on my own, and we’re in an amazing place now. Couldn’t recommend her – and her style of getting to know us – any more!

Real Client Testimonial | Lindsay from Denver

If you are looking for Couples Counseling Denver, we are here to help! Remember, we still specialize in preventative counseling and intimacy enhancement. Couples continue to come to us wanting to explore deeper areas of their relationship and it doesn’t always have to be prompted by stressors in the relationship. Read more about what really brings couples into counseling. 

Contact us today to schedule a FREE 15 minute consult! At the moment we are only offering virtual sessions that you can conveniently access in the comfort of your own home.

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How to stop stress and anxiety from getting out of hand and triggering past trauma : 5 Tips | Co-written by Arrezo Azimzadeh, BA, Psych, Behavioral Therapist & Owner of Wish Upon Arrezo

Stop stress and anxiety: Have you ever noticed your hands getting sweaty on a first date or felt your heart pound during an exam? Well, then you are aware that you can feel stress/anxiety from both your mind and body. When we go through stress/anxiety, our bodies flood our nervous system with cortisol and adrenaline putting us in a state of “fight or flight”. If you have experienced old traumatic events such as childhood abuse or disloyal relationships, then you know that any stressful experience can activate your hidden memories or “triggers” automatically. These memories are typically hidden to protect us from recurring emotional pain. However, over time these memories, triggers or chronic stress/anxiety can cause psychological complications in all areas of our life.

The combination of reactions to stress/anxiety is known as the “fight-or-flight” response. This was intended to be a survival mechanism enabling a quick response in a threatening situation.

The sequence of hormonal changes and physiological responses help an individual fight the threat off or flee to safety. However, the body can also overreact to stressors that are not life-threatening, such as societal pressures, family difficulties, and relationship conflicts, but can still give off the same chemical reaction.”

In an article by Harvard Health Publishing.

Because the modern human is not generally fighting off man-eating predators, but is often facing emotional/societal external pressures, we can be fueled with fight or flight energy daily. This can lead to high blood pressure, anxiety disorders, chronic depression, addiction, and obesity.  It is important to be aware of how your body reacts to stress/anxiety in order to consciously stop yourself from going down a mental storyline or memory that only feeds your perception of the threatening situation, (i.e. feeling more stress/anxiety and/or experiencing past trauma).

Here’s an example; it is March 2020 and Samantha is soon to be graduating. She is experiencing lockdown with her new boyfriend, roommate and roommate’s boyfriend for over a month. She recently lost her job, had a quarantined birthday, took her last quarter of college online and continued to experience tragedies in her family. She was frustrated, disappointed and angry, but she bottled up her emotions and became even more isolated. Samantha was unaware that the stay-at-home policies had created a reality where she was reliving a similar negative experience from her childhood.

“Growing up it was difficult for me to feel like I had a sense of self-identity in my household. I did as I was told, suppressed my feelings and was always at home because my parents wanted to keep me safe. When I got to college, I learned how to be independent, speak up when I wanted and cope with my stress through working out and eating healthy. Quarantine changed everything because I felt like I couldn’t do much on top of the fact that my boyfriend kept demanding me around. It had been a long time since I felt this much confinement and I was shutting down.”

The frustrating experience of feeling trapped again caused Samantha to no longer feel in control. Her “fight-or-flight” mechanism kicked in and she reacted to it as she innately knew how to. In times of stress our brains revert to how we once used to handle situations, which can cause us to regress our growth and forget how to move forward. Does this sound familiar?

Before you get too stressed out reading this article, it is important to know that not all stress is “bad” stress! Momentary stress, such as last-minute assignments, or tight deadlines can boost your brain’s performance. It’s just about establishing a balance.

Here are 5 tips on how to stop stress and anxiety from getting out of hand and triggering past trauma:

Tip #1 How to Stop Stress and Anxiety: “Sit in your sh*t”… err, emotions.

You’re probably wondering, how can I stop myself from triggering past trauma? Well for starters, we would advise that first you sit with the feeling no matter how uncomfortable it is. Intentionally, focus only on your emotions at that moment. Try saying out loud to yourself, “I feel ______ and it’s ok.” (Use this emotion wheel if you are struggling with identifying your feelings.)

Why is sitting with your emotions helpful? Well, because like anything, an emotion is fleeting. We promise the feeling will pass when you don’t attach a storyline to it, even if the storyline was once your reality, it doesn’t mean it is in this moment.

When the feeling does pass, you will have a better understanding of how you truly feel, not just be stuck in a reaction of flight or flight. You will also start feeling more empowered to face your stress/anxiety without feeling completely out of control and debilitated with undesirable symptoms.

Tip #2 How to Stop Stress and Anxiety: You don’t have to believe everything you think.

Try not to think about old upsets, by simply saying to yourself, “I don’t have to listen to everything my thoughts say.” When you suffer from stress and anxiety, you are having a complicated relationship with both sides of your brain: the cognitive brain and the emotional brain. Anxiety is only felt when signals from the emotional brain overpower the cognitive brain and into our consciousness.

When you have thoughts that your anxiety will never get better, that’s your emotional side of the brain working to protect you in case of failure. It can feel like your mind is torturing you to worry, analyze, seek reassurance, or shut down with thoughts of what could go wrong; but your mind is doing what all minds do, it is warning you in order to keep you safe. So, be conscious of what is happening and enable the thoughts to come and go and realize it’s your mind doing it’s job. The important thing is not what thoughts you have, but what you do when you have them in that state. So the next time your mind starts filling your head with triggers, reassure yourself that it’s a false alarm and sit with the emotion without listening to your brain.

Tip #3 How to Stop Stress and Anxiety: Quick, don’t react!

Refrain from an immediate reaction, by realizing that it is only an attempt to control the situation or get out of it. If you give in and react, you begin to lack logical thinking as your body and mind regress to old coping mechanisms. If you identify how you react to stressful situations, you can put yourself in a better position to manage it. Even if you are unable to eliminate stress from your life, how you react to it can determine whether you regress or progress.  According to Mayo Clinic these changes can significantly improve your stress and anxiety levels:

• Cut back on your obligations when possible. Take a look at your schedule and find activities, meetings, chores, or dinners that you can cut back on for the time being. That way you don’t overwhelm yourself and accidentally react right away. 

• Prepare ahead. Stress begins to pile on when you run out of time. Stay on top of things that may trigger stress (meetings, trips, appointments, family dinners, etc) and schedule realistic goals to get each task done. For example, if traffic jams stress you out then build that time into your schedule so you don’t overload your mind.

• Pick up a new hobby. When you start something exciting and new, it can calm your restless mind. Try art, gardening, reading, etc – but make sure these things don’t cause you to get competitive because the goal is to stay relaxed and stress free.

• Stay Active. Scientists have found that exercise benefits can soothe stress levels and give you a feeling of power over your body and life.Exercising, and physical activity produce chemicals in the brain known as endorphins which can enhance your brain’s emotional need of feeling good and positive.

By learning new ways to handle the situation before it occurs, it can put you in a better position to manage stress and anxiety. So, always remember to take a step back, and refrain yourself from the impulsive reactions before they control you. 

Tip #4 How to Stop Stress and Anxiety: Practice Mindfulness Daily

By practicing mindfulness regularly, you will improve your brain function, which will enhance your ability to avoid excessive stress. It increases your capacity to savor the pleasures in life, helps you engage in activities and creates healthier ways for you to deal with stressful events.

Behavioral therapists state that, “By focusing on the here and now, many people who practice mindfulness find that they are less likely to get caught up in worries about the future or regrets over the past, pay attention to their thoughts and sensations without judgment, and are able to improve physical and mental health over time.” 

In an article by Harvard Health Publishing.

Mindfulness meditation works to build your concentration. Here are a few mindful techniques:

• Sit quietly and focus on your breathing as you let your thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations come and go without judging how you feel about it. Just let them pass through. 
• Pay attention to what comes to mind and discover whether it’s a physical or mental need that seems to pop-up the most. Do not focus on a particular feeling or idea, but rather allow your thoughts to flow, to evaluate the habits. This will give you a better understanding of what to work on for later. 

• Continue the process daily. It may not seem relaxing, but over time it provides the key to unlock wider and wider ranges of thinking. 

For more mindful meditation techniques visit, Benefits of Mindfulness. 

Tip #5 How to Stop Stress and Anxiety: Connect the dots.

By understanding your trauma and coping mechanisms, it may be very helpful for you to realize which ones still work for you and which ones provoke more stress. Marla Paul, Health & Medicine Editor showed that individuals remember hidden traumatic events when they are in a similar state of mind:

“A process known as dependent learning is believed to contribute to the formation of memories that are inaccessible to normal consciousness. Thus, memories formed in a particular mood, arousal or drug-induced state can best be retrieved when the brain is back in that state.”

In other words, our minds are able to remember past memories when under a similar amount of stress and may provoke us to behave in ways we used to. For example, if a child had to parent their parents growing up, they may have learned to cope by being super self reliant and rigid in their behavior. When the child grows up, they may find themselves incredibly overwhelmed with daily tasks and often have panic attacks because they don’t know how to ask for help. If they never connect the dots from childhood to current panic attacks, they may never see that their coping strategy to be self reliant has its limitations in adulthood.

It is important to recognize that our bodies will naturally want to revert to its old ways of coping, but by being aware of and practicing new coping strategies will only remind us that our past can only have control over our future if we allow it.  

Want even more support with your anxiety and stress? Contact a therapist and explore how they may help!

The post How to Stop Stress and Anxiety From Triggering Past Trauma : 5 Tips appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Relationship Red Flags: How do you know if your relationship is toxic? Watch for these red flags. 

As many of you know, relationship red flags may be hard to identify. Because relationships by nature are hard and require a lot of work, you may ask yourself sometimes “is this really healthy?” We have all been there. It can be challenging to know how to identify what’s a “normal” amount of dysfunction and what is down right toxic.

Here are some examples of relationship red flags to watch out for:

#1 Your partner never accepts accountability for their actions. Or if they do, they make sure to say “but I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t done X.”

#2 You never feel heard/considered in the relationship.

#3 You often question your own sanity or feelings. You may get stuck in self doubt, shame and guilt.

#4 You’re afraid of your partner’s reactions/judgements, so much that you find yourself altering or censoring yourself often.

#5 You struggle with being honest with your family/friends about your relationship. You may even start to isolate from people that were once close to you.

#6 You start becoming someone you don’t recognize.

#7 Your partner uses your vulnerabilities against you.

#8 You constantly feel like you’re in a power struggle in everything that you do.

#9 Your partner directly or indirectly demands things from you. There is no compromise in the relationship.

#10 You had high self esteem until this relationship.

#11 You feel controlled.

#12 You cannot see yourself as your own person. Your partner has become a part of your identity and you need their approval and love.

#13 Arguments are volatile or abusive in any way.

#14 You feel intimidated.

#15 Your partner acts completely different around other people than they do when they are with you.

#16 You catch your partner in repeated lies. Even they are small.

#17 Your partner is highly defensive and never shows their vulnerable side to you.

#18 Your partner refuses to see other people’s perspectives in anything they don’t agree with.

#19 You feel coerced in having sex.

#20 Your partner calls/texts you constantly when you are away.

#21 Your partner does not support you doing new things and acts threatened often.

#22 Your partner threatens self harm in an attempt to cause a reaction out of you.

#23 You and/or your partner is unwilling to go to therapy. (If you are too afraid, they are too defensive).

Relationship Red Flags: How to walk away from a toxic relationship

If you find that you are in a toxic relationship, but struggle with feeling confident in getting out, here’s what you can do. First, if you are in an abusive or threatening relationship it is important to have a safety plan in place, (protective factors such as a place to stay, access to authority, etc).

It can also be incredibly helpful to have a safe, unbiased confidant like a relationship therapist. Because they are also educated on understanding human behavior, they will have a better perspective on what’s “healthy” or not. They are there to support you with building the self confidence and awareness you’ll need to leave the relationship. They can help you create and practice necessary boundaries to help you through the transition. Therapy can also help you connect any dots from past/childhood that may be impacting your current situation/feelings, which may help in healing any past traumas that are being impacted with your current situation.

Lastly, educate yourself on unhealthy relationships, personality disorders and/or addiction if applicable. This is something you can do in therapy, or on your own. Education is helpful at de-personalizing the problem and getting you to see the reality of a toxic situation.

Thank you for reading Relationship Red Flags: What makes a relationship “toxic?” Have you gotten out of a toxic relationship? Please share what helped you!

The post Relationship Red Flags : What makes a relationship “toxic?” appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

8 Tips on How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Staying Grounded During Times of Social Isolation and Fear

How to Stay Calm During COVID10 Outbreak | I’m not a scientist, a doctor or a politician; but what I am, is human. The threat of a new virus spreading throughout our planet is a terrifying reality. It has killed many people, as well as caused panic and hysteria for many others. Maybe you have found yourself detached from the fear, but are more or less feeling stir crazy being stuck in your house, questioning whether or not you should meet up with a friend for a cocktail or even go to the grocery store. On whatever level you find yourself physically or emotionally impacted by COVID19, your life is disrupted.

Now what do we do?

My advice for staying (or becoming) calm during a trying time of social isolation and unknown is to find the silver lining. Not to be insensitive or to minimize anyone’s experience, but more or less trying to help reframe the fear that can often be debilitating for many of us. Ask yourself, “What can I personally learn or even gain from this misfortune?” It is important during these times to self reflect, to understand what it is that you are really feeling and to challenge yourself to not avoid, but work with the things you can’t change.

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak : Tip #1

First off, this is a great opportunity to start learning how to detach from your obsession with control. You’ve more than likely been conditioned to believe that the more you do the more you can control any outcome in your life. Right now especially, you may feel completely anxious, helpless and scared because it is obvious you can’t control any of this. It is OK to feel scared about what’s happening; it is something unknown in our lifetime.

The thing you have to remember, is our anxiety is bred on unknown experiences. We need to learn to allow anxiety to be a normal part of the human experience without trying to fix it. Without judgment, obsessing over it’s cause or without complete avoidance of it altogether.

The second we try to fix our anxiety, is the second we dismiss our emotions. The second we dismiss our emotions, is the second we make our fears even louder and more irrational. The second our fears become irrational, we feel completely tormented by them and then we are stuck in panic. Bottom line, don’t try to control anything right now. Accept that control is an illusion. Realize that most likely one of the biggest fears you are struggling with is less about the virus and more about what you can’t do to stop it.

It’s time to remind yourself that this is not your responsibility to fix (because one person can’t possibly fix this), but your responsibility is to help. This can look like honoring the social distancing no matter how uncomfortable, donating money, food or toilet paper, supporting local businesses by ordering take out, etc. Do your part without feeling the weight of fixing it.

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Tip #2

Take this opportunity to be socially isolated as a meaningful time to reflect and explore things about yourself, your home, your partner, your children in ways that you are always “too busy” to do. When do we ever give ourselves a substantial amount of time to just reflect? To be bored? To be so present that you feel every little noise inside of your body? If this sound incredibly uncomfortable to you, I’d challenge you to ask yourself, why? Be grateful that on some level, during a moment of social isolation, is calmness in its rawest form. We can cherish this moment to breathe and take it slow. We need that, in a world full of GO GO GO.

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Tip #3

Keep perspective. After you’ve allowed yourself to feel your feelings, write down all the logical pieces to this outbreak and give yourself permission to remind yourself that this too shall pass. Generations prior to our’s have struggled with chaos and have managed to pull through; we will all pull through this chaos too.

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Tip #4

Change your habits. Period. During this time of social isolation, you may start to realize how much your phone alerts you of upcoming news breaks or you may become more aware of how many hours you may spend scrolling through endless content on social media. Even if you follow “positive” people on social media, you cannot get away from the bombarding negativity that is generated through ads or stories.

Your habitual relationship to your phone is making you more fearful, less empowered and way more susceptible to feeling lonely and depressed!

Turn off all alerts, take a break from social media and if you need a positive distraction, find a show on Netflix because at least you can “control” its content!

You should also limit the amount of COVID19 exposure you have; if you’re more sensitive to what you are watching/reading/discussing, limit yourself to COVID19 news to once a day for 20 minutes to stay up to speed with what’s happening without absorbing so much that it becomes a detriment. You will be ok not knowing EVERY hourly increase of the number of people affected by the virus, or how many points the stock market has swayed. It’s time to live smarter, not harder and ask yourself which of your habits are actually contributing to the fear, isolation and loneliness and which are supporting you and your mental health.

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Tip #5

Use this time to nurture your faith. Faith doesn’t have to be religious, (although it can absolutely be), but it can mean you find space to deepen your beliefs in a higher power, energy, protection, guardian, support, and/or comfort. This can be incredibly soothing to us in moments of feeling out of control and/or lost. If you are unfamiliar with what faith means to you, try initially reading about different types of spirituality/religions to gain a knowledge on practices and values that may speak to you. If you are more logical of a person, focus on your faith in science and technology; the resilience of the human species. Whatever you need to help ground you.

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Tip #6

If you aren’t wanting to spend much time with friends and family in person, be sure you FaceTime, text or call often. Maybe plan to watch a funny movie together, even if you’re afar.

Whether you live alone or with people, start creating traditions. Text your friends daily horoscopes and discuss it later in the afternoon, at 3pm stop and drink a cup of tea, try to meditate daily? Whatever it is, this could be a good time to implement a daily tradition that becomes sacred.

If you are in a relationship and live together, plan intentional time to actually sit and talk to each other. I have included a fun Communication Activity to inspire some intimate communication.

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Tip #7

Go on a walk or jog in your neighborhood and find 5 things that you’ve never noticed. Practice mindfulness daily. It is pretty eye-opening when you start to realize how many things are in your daily environment that you have never seen. This can even go as far as freckles on your partner’s face, spices in your cabinet, your dog’s antics. What is around you that you have never really noticed?

How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak: Tip #8

Bottom line, be grateful. We often forget to appreciate the luxuries of our life– we want something, we get it. We aren’t often told we can’t have something, let alone can’t go somewhere. So take a moment to reframe your “needs.” Do you have shelter? Do you have clothes? Do you have love? Do you have food? Do you have water? Do you need that specific brand of hand sanitizer or that 15th box of cereal? Do you need to get out of your house to enjoy dinner? Do you need immediacy and instant gratification? It is so easy to sit in the fear and negativity in moments like these, but it’s OK to look out your window and truly appreciate the beauty that still exists if we choose to see it. In moments of scarcity, we can truly identify what our real values and needs actually are.

Gratitude is the antidote to fear. So count all the amazingness that surrounds your everyday.

Take a moment to really appreciate all that we take for granted daily.

All and all, plan to cook a meal that takes more than an hour to prepare, deep clean your closets or clip your dog’s nails. Have sexy time with yourself in a hot shower, or ask your partner to join. Do the things that we often avoid because we “don’t have time.” Do the things that you “wish you had time for,” because now, you have no excuse.

And… wash your hands!

The post How to Stay Calm During COVID19 Outbreak appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Dating someone with borderline personality disorder can sound really scary.

Dating someone with borderline personality disorder can also sound really serious. Especially if you’ve never heard of a “personality disorder” in general or have any idea what it actually means. Mental health as a whole can be very nerve racking if we don’t have a full understanding of what is really going on. I write this blog specifically because the majority of my individual clients struggle with a personal relationship with someone that has a personality disorder, specially Borderline Personality disorder… (and they don’t know it).

So What is Borderline Personality Disorder? According to psychiatry.org “Borderline Personality Disorder is a pattern of instability in personal relationships, intense emotions, poor self-image and impulsivity. A person with borderline personality disorder may go to great lengths to avoid being abandoned, have repeated suicide attempts, display inappropriate intense anger or have ongoing feelings of emptiness.” Studies believe Borderline Personality Disorder may be caused by trauma, genetics and/or learned behavior. People with this disorder may also have comorbidity which means they have multiple disorders at once (such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc).

Although this definition of borderline personality disorder is accurate, it may not be incredibly helpful because borderline personalities don’t always show up in this way. People that have BPD can be incredibly loyal, loving and empathetic. They can be self aware, empathic and compassionate. As their partner or friend, you may be their ultimate favorite person that they cherish greatly; but they may also easily become possessive or are very irrational at seemingly the drop of a hat. Your relationship with them may be just as pleasant as it is difficult and you may be really suffering as to understanding why. If you feel as though you are questioning your own behavior, morals and/or reactions often, and/or have been feeling an extreme uncertainty about what is going to make them happy again, you may want to read on. 

Here are a few examples of how you may be experiencing a borderline personality in your relationship.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #1: Their Reactions Are Often Disproportionate to What’s Happening

You may find that you struggle with understanding their reactions at times and question if you are being insensitive. You may find little things, (like not answering your phone), set your partner through the roof. You are confused by their disporportionate emotions at times and can’t logically comprehend why they are so upset. You may find yourself asking “why are you so mad?” which may only make the situation more reactive. You may find yourself thinking “this is so irrational,” but you can’t calm them down. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #2: The Honeymoon Stage was ELECTRIC 

You felt electricity that was unlike any “spark” that you have ever experienced in a relationship before. The sexual chemistry may have been explosive from the very beginning, and/or your emotional chemistry was easy. You may feel as though you are addicted to this part of your relationship and often try your best to get it back. You’ve convinced yourself (and possibly friends and family) that the highs are way more valuable than the lows, and you do your best to hang onto the moments you two are in bliss.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #3: They Are Never Wrong

Because your partner is often very black or white, you may notice a pattern that your partner does not accept accountability for their behavior, (which typically means they never apologize.) They somehow find a way to make you feel guilty about something you did that caused them to lash out in the way they did. Even after the argument has settled, you may still find yourself feeling invalidated for multiple occasions. The relationship often feels one-sided and as though there is no room for your needs or feelings. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #4: They Are Deep and Emotional

You’ve experienced vulnerable moments with them that have made you fall deeper and deeper in love. They seem self aware and able to articulate their experiences of the past in ways you may have never experienced anyone do before. They may have been in therapy for years and talk a lot about their past. You find this level of depth intriguing, when it is not projected at you.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #5: Your Relationship Feels Like a Yo-Yo

You’ve never felt so loved and so hated by anyone, ever. This yo-yo effect in your relationship may lead to a lot of confusion, curiosity, hope and frustration for you. It’s a mystery and at times you may feel you are the only one that doesn’t get it, but you want to figure it out. You may find your inner child gets triggered a lot and you may get to a point when you feel like a defeated shell of yourself. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #6: You Have Anxiety, All the Time

You may find yourself constantly confused, which results to a lot anxiety and self doubt. You may not be able to identify the source of your partner’s shift in mood, or the level of emotion that is being expressed, so you walk on eggshells. You may start to analyze your own character and become insecure or resentful. You are often struggling with understanding the why of their negative or extreme reactions toward you, so you struggle with knowing how to assert your needs. You may ask yourself, “Am I crazy?” “Did I totally perceive this situation wrong?” “Do other people think I’m just a terrible person, too?” “Why does my partner do this? I would never do this to them.”

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #7: You Don’t Feel Trusted 

You don’t ever really feel trusted by your partner, even if you haven’t “done” anything to give them the impression you are untrustworthy. People who struggle with borderline personality disorder are incredibly vulnerable to the idea of abandonment. They want to be loved unconditionally (like we all do), but they often struggle with trusting full heartedly because they are often suspicious of people’s motives.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #8: You Feel Guilty

You feel guilty often and probably take accountability for things that you don’t believe are for you to own; but you do this to keep the peace and to de-escalate the situation. Maybe you’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser so this dynamic may be somewhat of a comfort zone to you, even if it doesn’t feel great. You may become obsessed with the getting back to a good place with your partner so you can become the most special, beloved, and needed person on the planet again.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #9: There Is No Room For Your Feelings/Needs

You feel as though you aren’t allowed to have needs because every time you express them, your partner completely dismisses you and refuses to accept they don’t offer these needs to you. They may turn a situation back on you and express in detail how much they do for you that you don’t appreciate or see. They don’t see your point of view, but expect and demand you to always see their’s. 

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #10: They Dislike Most People

Your partner may have a strong victim mentality and you start seeing it more and more in their personal life outside of you. Maybe they don’t have many friends because, “they are all back-stabbers,” or they complain constantly about their coworkers because they are all “bullies.” Maybe their family is the total “enemy” and the reason for all of their suffering. Either way, you can start to get a glimpse into their lens of the world, which is everyone is against them.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #11: People in Your Circle Say, GET OUT.

You friends and family may have cautioned you multiple times about this relationship. If you have been transparent with your friends and families about your partner’s behavior, then most likely your best friends or close relatives have expressed their concern for you.  (Or, another example of dating someone with borderline personality disorder is the reluctance you may have to actually tell others around you the full story of what has been going on in your relationship because you’re ashamed, embarrassed and/or scared. So you often hide your feelings and confusion from close ones around you and try to process it all by yourself. You may also be in denial).

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder #12: You Are Terrified to Even Think About Breaking up With Them

If you have questioned breaking up with your partner, but fear retaliation, their volatile reaction and/or them self-harming as a reaction, this is a strong indicator that your partner is struggling with BPD. 

So let’s say you relate to most of these examples. Where do you go from here? A part of you may feel a lot of relief, but you may also have a lot of fear about how to proceed. The tricky piece to many personality disorders like Borderline Personality, it is an ego syntonic disorder, (which means an individual is unaware of their symptoms). This makes healthy longterm relationships pretty challenging (if not downright impossible), because they are often incapable of recognizing their (negative) part in the dynamic. If everything is perceived from their eyes as your fault, you may never feel seen, understood or appreciated in your relationship.

Ego syntonic disorders are also limiting in treatment, such as accepting the idea that they could use individual therapy or couples counseling, because they often think everyone else is the problem. The counseling experience with borderline personalities can often play out where they refuse to come altogether, or participate but the moment they feel the therapist is not on their side they can feel abandoned or become volatile. Or, they could find a therapist that only validates their perspective, which may only perpetuates their victim narrative.

If there is willingness from your partner to want to explore help, there are specific treatments available such as PCH Treatment that are designed to support borderline personality disorder that have shown to be successful. Often medication can help for the other possible symptoms such as depression and anxiety, but there are currently no “cures” for personality disorders.

If you think you are dating a person with borderline personality disorder, my advice is to seek your own individual counseling. You can gain support in educating yourself on this disorder, as well as learn the tools to navigate your own feelings and explore your own blind spots, and understand what you gain from this relationship. From that point on, you may be able to navigate a conversation about supportive treatment with your partner or at least have more perspective about how you’d like to proceed.

The post Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder : How to Identify the Symptoms appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Why Does She Keep Bringing Up the Past? 5 Reasons She Holds “Grudges”

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling

*It is important to note that although I am using specific gender identifications, I am not intentionally meaning to exclude or generalize behaviors unfairly based on someone’s preferred gender identification. This article is an example of themes I have heard in my experience as a couples therapist from heterosexual, cisgender couples. However, this content has and can be a theme in any relationship, regardless of gender and identification. 

“Help! Why does she keep bringing up the past?” Sound familiar? One reoccurring theme I hear from many of my couples is the issue with repairing past conflict. Generally speaking, there have been similarities from what I have heard many men experience and say vs their female counterparts.

Some examples are:

“Why does she keep bringing up the past? It never stops.”

“She never lets things go.”

“She’s so negative.”

“She never sees my attempts at making things better.”

“I am always wrong.”

“She is always nagging at me for something.”

“I don’t get how one little thing can erupt a huge argument about something totally unrelated that happened months ago.”

So, I am sure you want an objective understanding to help you better understand, right? Here are some common reasons why she may keep bringing up the past and holding grudges.

Reason 1 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? |  You aren’t validating her in the way she needs it.

The biggest reason anyone holds onto the past is because they don’t feel heard and/or fully understood by the person they perceived hurt them. (To be clear, validating and helping your partner feel understood in the way they need isn’t your “job.” Forgiveness is a choice for each and every one of us to make to unconditionally, which means letting go regardless of being validated in the way we need; BUT if you are in a partnership, you can both benefit greatly by learning how to validate one another more effectively to help promote forgiveness and healing. Ideally, you should want to do this.)

By validating more effectively, you can try by naming her emotion, not putting yourself into the situation for a moment and just hearing her experience. Ask yourself, What is she saying? And just reflect it back. It is that easy!

For example, you say: “I can understand that I really upset you when I did X.”
NOTHING ELSE is required in that exact moment! Once she feels validated and like you understand why she upset, she can come back to the logical and her defensive and/or emotional state becomes more regulated and soothed. When she is no longer stuck in the emotion, you can then explain the misunderstanding from more of the logical (ie. your experience). “That wasn’t my intention at all and I can see how we misunderstood each other. I meant to do _________. I never intended to hurt you and I am sorry it felt that way.”

The power of validation is tremendous! Now… it is her to turn to work on truly letting it go.

Reason 2 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? |  You keep trying to “fix” the problem.

If your partner keeps bringing up reoccurring issues, it may be because you are trying too hard to fix it, rather than just acknowledge it. Women tend to emotionally process while they externally express; men tend to internally process, then choose to emotionally / externally express. TOTALLY OPPOSITE. Not that one is right or wrong, but we typically go about working through issues completely different.

No wonder you perceive her as incredibly negative! 

She’s not “negative,” she is just working through her emotion in the innate way she knows how; to feel it, then to think about. You may perceive her as negative because you don’t typically feel experiences first in order to process it. Her “negativity” is actually just unprocessed emotions and all you need to do is try your hardest not to take it personally and allow her the space to have emotional reactions while she works through it.

(For the record, she needs to do her best at not projecting them onto you! Just because she is more emotionally expressive does not give her the right to be aggressive toward you without taking accountability or considering how her emotional reaction impacts you).

Here’s an example: Let’s say she comes home and her energy is off. She storms in, throws her purse down and yells, “I hate my job! It’s awful! No one is nice to me in the office and I F** hate it! I’m just so done!” You may innately feel triggered, want to crawl into your shell and turn the TV up. You may think to yourself, “Ugh, here we go again! I wish she was just happy.” You may traditionally react by saying, “You need to look at the positive sides. Look how great your commute is, how much money you make, how early you get off! Who cares what your co-workers think about you.”

Unfortunately you trying to “fix her issue” is actually you trying to “fix her mood,” because her mood makes you feel uncomfortable. She internalizes that as feeling dismissed. She may potentially get more angry and then you both get into an argument. You then feed your narrative, “See, she’s always so negative! Nothing will make her happy,” and she feeds her narrative, “See, he never listens and he doesn’t care about me or how I feel.”

Instead, try giving her space emotionally first. Let her vent and then offer a reflection of validation. “I totally see how frustrated you are with work. It must be hard not to feel liked by your co-workers.”

Reason 3 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? | She doesn’t feel the past was fully repaired.

The bulk of repairing conflict (in a healthy way) is mostly about validating each other’s perspectives without trying to win the argument. If your intention is to be right, then you have lost the ability to repair anything with your partner effectively. Your intention should be to deepen your understanding of each other. This helps you continue to respect each other and feel secure with one another in your relationship. If your partner feels hurt by you, try to understand why instead of getting defensive. It’s natural to then tell them they are “wrong” because you don’t agree or your intention was perceived differently. This then becomes about being “right,” verses validating each other and understanding the misunderstanding. You can clear up any and all misunderstandings by validating each other, and work on creating consistency and awareness for future issues together. 

She needs to learn to validate you objectively, too.  

Reason 4 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? |  You take her moods personally.

Going back to the emotional processing piece, women tend to be more emotionally expressive by nature (or nurture). You may be making the assumption that every time she is emotional or having a reaction that it is PERSONALLY targeted toward you. I know her reactions may seem scary and you don’t want to make an even bigger issue by saying the “wrong” thing, but try to reassure yourself in those moments that “she may not even be upset with me.” Ask her for clarity without being defensive, example: “Are you upset with me?” verses “What the hell did I do to you?” or “What’s your problem?”

At times, she will express that she is struggling with things external to you and your relationship. At this moment, you know it’s not personal, which helps you better support her instead of getting into a huge argument. Ask her, “What do you need in this moment?” or “How can I help?”  Possibly, by just giving her permission to be a little emotional without getting defensive, may help her de-escalate and calm down.

Reason 5 : Why does she keep bringing up the past? | She’s feels insecure and needs something from you.

Most likely, when a partner keeps bringing up past issues defensively, they are feeling extremely insecure in the relationship and they aren’t getting something significant that they are needing. Maybe your partner doesn’t know what is missing, but something may be causing her to feel insecure about your relationship and/or how she assumes you perceive her. She still may be hurt about an issue that happened 6 months ago, but struggles with bringing it up and fears she will not be heard. Unfortunately, she invalidates herself, most likely telling herself that “she’s being ridiculous and needs to get over it,” until she no longer can hold it in. She also fears being a nag and tries her best to let it go on her own. (You’ve probably told her to “let it go,” once before and she fears bringing it up again. She’s probably beating herself up because she doesn’t understand why she just can’t.) 

Unfortunately, ignoring emotion rarely makes them go away and she may find herself exploding at one little frustration that arises. This is most likely why you perceive her as unpredictable and why you feel you are walking on egg shells. As her partner, this is incredibly unfair to you because it doesn’t help you understand what she needs. You are just trying to defend yourself and fix whatever you “did” to upset her.  This is why the two of you need to work together. She needs to do her part and work on understanding her emotions as they come up for her, but she also needs to take the risk of expressing what she needs in the moment instead of waiting until she snaps out of nowhere. This is also why you work on the above tips to help you understand her behavior and needs more, so you aren’t feeling incredibly beat down.

Couples therapy can be tremendously helpful when reoccurring issues are on a cyclical path. A trained couples therapist can help you learn to better communicate about the “issue,” that triggers resentment or fear; as well as work on ultimate forgiveness, which will propel the two of you forward. Contact us today for a free consultation!

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