How to Navigate a Breakup | A Relationship Therapist’s Story and Tips on How to Cope

Written by Lauren Aldridge, MA, MFT-C and co-written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT

How to navigate a breakup isn’t as black or white as we have often heard. Breakups cause the painful stuff that countless poems, songs, books (and now this blog post) talk about. A broken heart is a universal human experience. It seems to also be one of the many inevitabilities of life- so why does it feel so uniquely isolating when you yourself are navigating one?

Well to start, we know that isolation is the crux of many mental health issues/crisis. When isolated, we can fall victim to ruminating and repeating powerful and often subconscious trauma stories and feelings that only make us feel more rejected and confused. We as relationship therapists see people stuck in this place regularly. We hold space for our clients’ range of emotions that seem to pop up automatically, while they try to heal and make sense of the end of a relationship that was once very meaningful to them.

Love isn’t perfect; nor is it easy. We can all fall in love hard in the beginning but once the work is required to sustain the spark and understanding, most of us struggle at executing. It is a well-known fact that divorce rates in Western countries sit at around 50% (Forbes, 2023). So it stands to reason that most, if not all of us will navigate a meaningful breakup at some point in our lives. To separate from a person you care(d) deeply for and who you have shared intimate pieces of your life with is no small thing. It brings up many conflicting emotions and can feel at times like you’re being tossed around on the deck of a ship in a storm scrambling for solid footing.

Breakups can feel like they split us open- they make us feel raw. They invoke a unique kind of grief, because although it is “final”, we often don’t get the closure we feel we “need.” I personally know this feeling, and less from the empathy I experience from my clients anxiously mulling over “how to navigate a breakup” in session, but more from my own experience of experiencing a recent breakup myself.

A relationship therapist’s story on heartbreak:

Here’s something you may have never thought about, but one of the most interesting processes of being in this profession is having to navigate our own relationships while simultaneously holding space for other’s. It’s having to be the guide in facilitating intimacy and depth between two vulnerable human beings, all while working through our own life transitions in our own relationships. We have to find a graceful space to separate the two parts of us at times, so we can be effective, safe and supportive therapists. We are trained to know the difference between effective self disclosure, (when the therapist shares something about themselves for the purpose of relatability, connection and to mirror vulnerability to clients) and “dumping” onto clients our unprocessed feelings we just need to get off our chest. (PS. If you feel your therapist is more the latter, passing judgments and/or sharing something about themselves that makes you feel uncomfortable rather than validated, that is a counseling red flag!)

The reality is, my clients do not need to know about how I felt after I got a parking ticket last week, or about how moved I felt after seeing the wild flowers on my run this morning. More importantly, my clients don’t need to know about the sadness I have personally experienced when I have sat with intimate relationships professionally, while mine had been slowly slipping away.

They may have benefited from me sharing that seeing them fight so hard for something I felt I did not have in my own partnership, invoked admiration and hope for me. While on the other hand, they wouldn’t benefit from me letting them know that it also exacerbated my frustration and loneliness at times, as I had to face the harsh reality of my partnership struggling with having that level of dedication to work.

During my recent breakup, it was a very strange duality to help couples connect and grow in my professional life (something am I still full heartedly passionate about), all while feeling disconnected from these concepts in my personal life. On harder days, it was confusing and the work I was providing felt hollow; I would leave work feeling like an imposter filled with self doubt. “How was I able to help folks navigate their intimate relationships, talking ad nauseum about healing and connection, when I could not crack the code of my own partnership?” It was like being on the other side of a thinly veiled curtain I could not glimpse behind.

To make this point know, in our industry we call this “counter-transference,” which basically means because we are human, we may experience our own triggers while navigating our client’s process. The good news is, we vow as professionals to always be aware of these experiences, as well as work on our personal healing through avenues such as our own therapy, consultation with other professionals, spiritual depth work, etc, so we don’t unintentionally harm our clients. Now having spoken to other couple therapists about this unique process, I know I am not alone in having experienced the counter-transference when we are supporting couples while our own partnerships are struggling! I also know I am not alone in how powerful of a tool this irony could provide. How to navigate a breakup while also holding objective and supportive space requires a lot of self awareness and self care as a professional, but for the sake of being vulnerable here, I want to shed light on the human underneath the therapist hat.

Believe it or not…We couple therapists, go through breakups and dysfunctional relationships at times, too.

After all, we are human right? For the purpose of practicing what I preach as both a human and as a therapist, I believe vulnerability is the only way to grow and learn. I wanted to be vulnerable in sharing an impactful piece of my personal life to shed light on the fact that the human experience does not discriminate and even if your therapist doesn’t directly tell you that they know what you’re going through the next time you navigate heartbreak, chances are… they do. 

As I reflect more I understand part of my challenge was separating “Lauren the therapist” from “Lauren the human”. Navigating my recent breakup has been challenging in the sense that Lauren the therapist is analyzing, exploring and trying to make sense of, while Lauren the human is simply riding the waves and trying to cope. When feelings of disappointment in myself for not “being the expert and living my example” come up, I feel pressure to compartmentalize these two identities. Keep them separate.

In the professional therapeutic setting, I have to separate my emotional self regardless of what I’m personally going through to be able to support my clients objectively. In my personal life, it is very difficult (and futile) to distinguish where these identities blur or separate and I have to bring both of them to the surface while I do my emotional unpacking.

I have come to the realization that I am living exactly what I challenge my own clients to do. I am going inward and being honest with myself. I’m not judging myself for not having all the answers to life’s hardships and the reality truly is, the end of my relationship does not undermine my ability to be an effective therapist. Just like the end of your relationship does not undermine your ability to have a stronger relationship in the future. Choosing to do the right thing for me was hard- excruciating, even- but for the sake of honoring my deepest authenticity, I am living the example I aim to set for my clients. I am doing my best and allowing my relationships to help me learn more about myself. 

In the spirit of truth, some days it was hard to choose to “show up” for my clients during that chapter of my personal life. At moments, I felt exhausted, and sometimes fearful I would not have the room or ability to hold space for my clients who I cherish, but to my surprise, continuing to honor my commitment to show up for all their rawness has been, in fact, the most healing part of this process for me!

Being a therapist and witnessing genuine connection from folks who lay it all out on the line for the sake of healing is remarkable. Loving each other, and most importantly loving themselves through it is even more incredible. My clients know that it is a hard process, and gut-wrenching at times, but they show up for each other anyway. This is where I believe my clients teach me just as much as I teach them. Not only do I get to experience my own heartbreak in my personal life— feel my subjective emotions and work through the confusing grief, but I also get to witness other people’s subjective emotions as a observer and guide. I get to open my heart to sharing a unique bond (even if our professional relationship is one-sided), as well as facilitate a safe space which is something we all need when we are feeling lost. This process helps me understand different pieces of my own breakup from seeing and experiencing my pain through different lens.

Experiencing the deep and at times murky waters of our healing, there is something more beautiful and powerful than words- it goes beyond most “left brain” conceptualizations of the human experience. This unfolding invokes sort of primal understanding and I get to bare witness to it as well as feel it. In the counseling process it is not in the absence of sadness, pain, or stress that bring awareness, change and healing, but in fact it comes when we  embrace those very things we have been taught to shove down.

So, what should clients understand about their therapists? Well for one, you teach us a lot too. You help remind us of the beauty in vulnerability, the tenacity and strength of healing, as well as help us see things from different lens that continue to support us in our personal and professional growth. 

And in essence, remember that we are walking (or have walked) the same path that you are. There are roadblocks, and hurdles, and sometimes mountains to climb in everyone’s lives. There are moments of pure joy and deep sadness that we have to move through, too. Regardless of what we do for a living, we are all truly connected.

So thank you clients, for ironically helping me navigate a breakup, even sitting on the other side of the couch as your support system.

Below are some tips on how to navigate a breakup on your own, with tips on how to cope.

​​​How to Navigate a Breakup | Tips on How to Cope

Tip #1: Ask yourself what this breakup brings up for you.

What story is being repeated over and over and where is this story even coming from? Is it fair to say that this story is an old story that gets triggered whenever you experience hardships? Is this story about your worthiness or past rejection? Is it a mistrust of humans? Perfectionism maybe? Is it possible that this story is only validating your past trauma?

An even bigger question, is it possible for you to look at this situation in any other way? (Example: How can this breakup teach me the opposite of my trauma story?) How do I avoid continuing to perpetuate my old trauma and look at this breakup from a new lens and not an old one.

Tip #2: Ask yourself if  it’s possible that you saw this coming or had gut feelings but you didn’t listen to them.

If so, this is NOT an excuse to beat yourself. Sometimes lessons aren’t always obvious in the moment (can we say “hindsight is 20/20?) Guilt or shame are never going to help you, and in fact, it’s only going to make your healing last a lot longer if you beat yourself for not doing x, y, or z.

Instead, if you felt as though you had suspicions about this relationship, but didn’t listen to them, just simply sit with this and ask yourself from a curious space, why didn’t I? What was I afraid of? Is it possible that you were rushing into this because you felt you needed this relationship? Is it possible that you don’t listen to your internal gut feelings because you are often disconnected from that part of yourself? Is it possible you didn’t want to “fail” at this relationship so you wanted to push through the red flags? Maybe you’re realizing you struggle with speaking up or setting boundaries. If so, why? Whatever comes up, be kind to yourself and try to find space to make the decision to be more loving and and aware of your intuition moving forward, because your intuition may actually be your best friend in guiding you to a healthier version of yourself… thus a healthier relationship.

Tip #3: Compile a list of lessons you have learned (or need to) from this experience.

Are there relationship patterns you see in your past? Is there a particular “type” that you are drawn to? Ask yourself if it is possible that this “type” of person may have attributes of anyone else you know in your life. A parent maybe? We often strive to not date people like our parents if the relationship wasn’t healthy, but we often subconsciously draw those people to us because this type of functioning is all we energetically and emotionally know. If we want to break certain habits and patterns in our relationships, we have to start looking inward about our unmet needs. About our own identities and roles in relationships. Sometimes it’s helpful to understand more about our coping mechanisms (ie. People pleasing due to having parents that wouldn’t listen or accept us), verses our actual authenticity (desire to be seen and respected). Often times we a don’t even know that we are trying to work through our pain from past wounds (from parents or past partners) in our current relationships…

When trying to identify lessons, ask yourself if there were any ways you could have shown up in you relationship that cause disconnect, inauthenticity or mixed messages? If so, address why these things may have been challenging for you. Find the root.

Nietzsche said “To live is to suffer. To survive is to find some meaning in the suffering”. To use our pain for connection, rather than isolation- that is the collective challenge of being a human and you may be able to find true meaning in your pain if you look for ways in which this heartbreak has helped you learn.

Compile a list of who you want to be in your next relationship and honor these changes for yourself. Remember, it’s important to grow  and learn from breakups, not dwell in shame and isolation. You deserve to be loved and no one is at fault, but rather relationships show us things we have to learn about ourselves in order to be accepting of the love we deserve and want.

Tip #4: Compile a list of needs and wants you have from a relationship moving forward.

Make it a commitment to yourself to advocate for these needs, just as much as you work on your own development. Again, work through unpacking why accepting this kind of relationship or love is something that may be challenging for you. Sometimes we feel we will never find it, so we settle. Sometimes we are too eager to be in our happily ever after that we are blinded. Sometimes we don’t even know what we need or want and expect our partner to explore that for us. Whatever your case, be kind to yourself. This is the work we all have to do. 

Tip #5: Journal and/or talk to someone such as therapist or guide.

Having support right now is crucial. Can’t say this enough… but don’t isolate yourself. Be aware of the stories you tell yourself while you’re journaling or talking to someone. These stories are not as real as you feel they are, but rather they are a memorialized story lodged in your nervous system and mind from past trauma. Being able to separate the two is key in your healing journey and a trusted therapist can support you in learning how to do this.

Also, when we let others bear witness to us- all of us- it is powerful. This is why therapy can be so transformative- for another person to sit with you, raw and unfolding, and say “I see you and I honor you” is everything. Our brains like it. Our bodies like it. It is what we are designed for. But here’s the kicker- you must let people see it. Vulnerability is one of the greatest challenges many of us will face. It is so scary, and yet holds the key for so much. Remember, us therapists go through our own turmoil, too, so we truly do get you. 

Tip #6: Forgive.

This one can be tricky; but it will bring closure to you regardless of ever getting validation from your ex. They may never give you what you feel you need; they probably didn’t give you what you needed when you were together, so why expect anything different now that you are broken up?

Forgiveness can be a powerful tool in learning how to see this relationship as a lesson/gift in your journey, rather than a wound that has now debilitated you for the rest of your life.  Forgiveness does not have to be two people coming together and finding closure together. Forgiveness is about intentionally learning how to restructure your thoughts and feelings for your greater good. Otherwise we are repeatedly stuck in fight/flight/freeze and resentment becomes our state of being.

As Nelson Mandala says, “Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die.”

Need more help with this concept? (Talk to usTalk to us!)

Tip #7: Rebuild with Empowerment.

Your ego is probably really hurt right now, and that’s ok. You may feel completely broken, hopeless and angry. In order to rebuild with empowerment and compassion, you need to allow yourself the space to grieve. Grieve ebs and flows. Give yourself time and patience, but also set a date when you feel you’re going to honor a change in your life. On that date, you begin to pick up the pieces of the broke puzzle and decide to not let past trauma keep you stuck in past behavioral/emotional/mental victimhood that it has related to for years. I often say, “victimhood and empowerment are on the same coin,” we just have to learn how to flip it. You got this and we are here to help!

Tip #8: Reframe. Reframe. Reframe.

Change really does occur when we can change our neuro-pathways in our brain. We have to exercise mental gymnastics everyday. Catch yourself in story; alter it. Visualize yourself happy, in a new healthy relationship and feel that energy. Embrace that energy in your state of being. Practice mindfulness, exercise and meditation.

Tip #9: Set Boundaries.

A breakup is an ending, so for your benefit, keep it that way. Until you don’t feel emotionally charge when you think of this person or your past relationship, our advice is to keep a firm boundary in separating  your life. Don’t follow this person on social media, don’t text or call, say our final goodbyes in person or if that isn’t an option, write them a letter and encourage yourself to set boundaries in creating your new life without this person. (And yes it is supposed to be hard….)

Want to chat with us? We are happy to help you if you’re questioning “How to negative a breakup!”

The post How to Navigate a Breakup appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Why Do I Feel Guilty all the Time? | Here’s our hunch and what you can do about it

Do you often question, “Why do I feel guilty all the time?” Feeling guilty is a common issue we support our clients with. It seems “feeling bad” about something can be the result that comes up in any aspect of our lives and can often drive a person to feeling shameful, depressed and/or anxious. From experiences such as worrying about our work performance, setting boundaries with friends or family, or trying to ask for what we need in a relationship, guilt has an interesting way of rearing its ugly head.

So why do I feel guilty all the time? 

Well, to start, we (as in all of us) are all really just figuring this whole “life” thing out, right? We all make mistakes, we all learn from lessons, we all have moments of extreme internal conflict when making decisions. You can’t blame us when you look at all the conflicting and heavy messaging we receive from society, culture, family, religion, friends, social media, etc about what is “good” or “bad” or “right” or “wrong.” Sometimes this messaging is not align with how we truly feel, thus making life more complicated and unpleasant feelings such as guilt and anxiety manifest in such uncomfortable ways.

Because Modern Love Counseling comprises of a group of therapists that support issues (and desires) specifically centered around relationships, intimacy and sexuality, the topic of guilt and shame come up quite often. No matter how progressive and accepting people’s frames of thought are becoming, unfortunately the topics our practice focuses on can inherently breed guilt because there isn’t often a 100% correct or “normal” answer.

It is pretty “human” of us to experience the most internal conflicts about being our authentic selves in the context of our relationships and in our sexualities. This is because we need to expose our vulnerabilities and this is never something that comes easily. When we perceive that we are risking losing people or hurting people that we love or care about, it can be very overwhelming. It is easy for our hearts and our conditioned minds to be at bats with each other.

As an example, we often hear one person of a monogamous couple expressing feelings of guilt when they turn their partner down for sex, all while hearing the other partner express feelings of guilt for wanting sex. It is also common for us to hear singles to discuss feeling guilty about not wanting to be social every weekend; about wanting to set a boundary with a parent or about wanting to end a toxic relationship with a friend, co-worker/job or lover. In almost any scenario a client comes in with, we most likely have heard repeating themes that lead to the question, why do I feel guilty all the time?

Here are some reasons you may feel guilty all the time and what you can do about it: 

Reason #1: You struggle with self care.

If you struggle with taking the time to take care of you in a way that is solely for you, then most likely you will be experiencing constant guilt. This is because you are operating out of someone else’s expectations/needs (or your perception of someone’s expectations/needs) and trying to force something onto yourself that is inauthentic. Symptoms of this can look like being grumpy or reactive, apologizing constantly, not being present or engaged, conflict about spending money on yourself, etc. You may also experience guilt for taking up too much time, guilt for not doing enough, guilt for “overindulging”, guilt for saying something, guilt for having sex with someone, guilt for letting stuff pile up,  etc. When you struggle to take care of yourself in a genuine way, you are neglecting a big part of yourself that is desperately needing some attention. If you are a people pleaser who tries to fix everything and you are realizing that every time you try to take care of yourself you feel guilty, it’s time to practice some serious self love. Start by telling yourself that you deserve self care, why? Because it is imperative to your growth and overall health. Ways to start taking care of yourself in genuine ways can look like taking solo time to do nothing, taking time to do an exercise that is fulfilling to your soul and not to your ego, taking a moment to journal out your thoughts a feelings, take a mid day nap, etc.

Reason #2: You are afraid of failure.

Many of us assume that we can bully ourselves into achieving anything. Many of us are so hard on ourselves that we don’t realize that it’s natural and quite important to struggle/fail sometimes. This is part of life. If we never allow ourselves to fail or to appreciate the moments of “failure” or disappointment as lessons, we can develop a sense of shame with every perceived challenge we face. Symptoms of this can look like having too high of expectations of yourself and others, being constantly disappointed in yourself and others, perceiving you let people down often, feeling self punishment for not being perfect or for needing help, guilt or depression when you sense you aren’t good enough or we aren’t doing enough, etc. Take time to sit down and process where your fear of failure comes from as well as evaluate if the fear you are experiencing is disproportionate to what is actually going on. List ways that your “failures,” disappointments, and/or setbacks may actually have a positive sandwiched in the anxiety. What can you learn from them?

Reason #3: You have unresolved trauma.

Feeling guilty from time to time is a natural emotion. As we mentioned, it can be the response of over committing yourself, having too high of expectations, etc; but if you are struggling with guilt constantly and about every little occurrence, maybe its the response of a deep seeded wound of not feeling worthy. This response can often come from trauma. Neglect, abuse of all kind, accidents, etc, can make a person believe that they are unworthy or lovable. If this be the case for you, therapy is can be a hugely profound resource to helping you uncover your why, as well as help you reestablish a more loving belief system about yourself.

Reason #4: You are worried you are morally wrong.

Reason 3 and 4 can often be interconnected. If you experience anxiety about being morally wrong, this could be the result of growing up with strict authoritative parents, strong religious messaging, racial/ethnic or gender related oppression, etc. If you struggle with asking yourself if you are being a “good person” or struggle with anxiety around identifying what is right or wrong, you may need space to explore more of your hidden desires, needs and feelings to help you determine what path you morally feel is align. Try having more conversations with friends or peers around topics that feel heavy to you to gain different perspectives.

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Why Does My Partner Need Space?

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box

If you have found yourself disheartened with the question, “Why does my partner need space when we argue?” this article may be just what you need in order to build more understanding. Most couples find themselves at times in an repeated conflictual cycle that gets easily activated and is often challenging to repair. Regardless of what you’re arguing about, one person seems to always want space, while the other is desperate to talk things out immediately. This can be frustrating and painful for both parties, as the build up of vulnerable insecurities and resentment can start to ruin the emotional safety in the relationship.

Yikes!

A common complaint in couples therapy is this exact issue. “My partner always walks away from me and we inevitably never solve anything.” or “My partner can’t seem to respect me when I say over and over again to leave me alone…  I need space. I feel pushed until I explode.” The person desiring immediate resolve often feels abandoned, anxious and betrayed; while the person desiring space often feels violated, controlled and is terrified of saying the wrong thing. Unfortunately, both parties don’t express themselves in ways the other person can truly hear, so they continue this vicious cycle of misunderstanding for months or even years. This issue is often the catalyst that brings couples into therapy… or eventually separates them.

“I am fighting for our relationship not fighting against it, but she only sees me as a bully. I don’t know how to make her realize I’m scared to lose her.” -T.D, 32

If you’re in a relationship, then you understand that this cycle feels really defeating if you can’t find mutual validation and repair. After the hundredth time of getting stuck in this cycle, the two of you are probably questioning the relationship and may even become shells of yourselves. As an attachment based therapist, I want to assure you that this cycle comes up in every relationship I have ever worked with and/or heard about in my personal life. This is because we are human and we all have a deep seeded fear of abandonment or rejection in one form or another. On some basic level we may have felt these ways growing up or in a past relationship(s), and this can make our fears even harder to cope with in our current partnership when we can’t seem to get on the same team. Often our innate reactions to perceived threats of rejection, ridicule and/or abandonment come from deep attachment wounds of past experiences that we may not even be aware we have or know how they are correlated.

No human is perfect and regardless of how loving your relationship is, or how much trust and respect you have for each other, sometimes your innate fight or flight response can be triggering for your partner; thus causing the cycle. My husband and I also have a cycle (I call it a “dance”) and I express to my clients that it is important to normalize it, as well as set realistic goals on how to “solve” it together. Instead of looking at your disconnect through the lens of blame, victimhood and/or righteousness, try looking at it as conflicting biological responses to the threat of losing the relationship. When you need repair right away, maybe it’s because you were abandoned by a parent or ex-partner and when you perceive your current partner has had enough, you instinctually panic. It may be irrational, but this is why we have to be gentle with ourselves. We are wired to automatically respond to perceived threats to keep us alive. Most likely your partner just happens to have a differing defense mechanism (freeze or flight) that has kept them “safe.”  If we never get to the level of understanding why we respond the way that we respond, we may end up subconsciously sabotaging our relationship and repeating trauma from our past.

Although this “dance” isn’t fun and can cause a lot of heartbreak, it’s something worth exploring individually, as well as together, for ultimate growth and security building in the relationship.

When more seasoned couples say “relationships are hard work,” they are referring to learning how to establish a balance that neutralizes this cycle. The “work” is learning to recognize the cycle, understand yourself and your partner’s reactions and express your needs vulnerably, to truly be able to see each other’s perspectives and find healing.

Ideally, you would both learn the tools to effectively avoid the cycle altogether, but because this cycle won’t just vanish, you can learn the tools to repair the hurts and misunderstandings effectively so that issues don’t continue to repeat over and over. Sometimes this is only possible with a trained professional.

If your partner’s reaction is to shut down in moments of anxious conflict, I can see how this would feel rejecting and why you might fear abandonment. Especially if they get angry, stop talking altogether, or worse… physically leave. Instead of continuing to torture yourself with the question, “Why does my partner need space?” please read below the possible reasons to hopefully build more understanding of their innate defense mechanism.

Why Does My Partner Need Space? 5 Possible Reasons

1. They were criticized and/or rejected in their past from parents/caregivers and/or friends/ex partners. They may have gotten the message that what they have to say isn’t important or valid. They may have gotten the message that they were flawed in some profound way and thus doesn’t feel good enough.
2. They feel triggered by conflict. This may have to do with growing up with a lot of conflict with parents and/or siblings. This may also have to do with the opposite; they grew up without any conflict and feel very threatened by it. Either way, they struggle with easing their anxiety about confrontation and conflict.
3. They feel intimidated. Think of your partner like a beautiful clam that holds a precious pearl. When in moments of fear, the clam innately shuts itself off in an attempt to protect itself. Evolutionarily their shell is hard and cold, in an attempt to exhaust intruders and protect their vulnerable squishy insides. When closed, the clam feels safe. When open, even half way, the calm feels vulnerable. They are sensitive to predators and often assume they are in the hands of a giant attempting to pry open their shell forcefully with a knife. Eventually, their reaction may be to surrender defeatedly or grip tighter and tighter with a bite.
4. They are slower processors and under stressful situations, need more time to process their thoughts and feelings. You may argue well. You may articulate every feeling and thought you have. They don’t operate like that. Most likely, they feel intimated by your quickness and openness to feelings that they want to make sure they understand themselves before expressing the “wrong” thing. When pushed to communicate, they probably end up saying the “wrong” thing, thus making it harder for them to feel confident in trying to do it again. They may experience pressure from you to know how they feel, thus making it easier to compartmentalize and shut it down completely.
5. They don’t understand the argument/conflict. Sometimes, it is as simple as not understanding what the argument is about or agreeing that the argument is worth actually “arguing” about. Their attempt to shut down is an attempt to stop the argument from escalating. (Unfortunately, they don’t realize that feels like abandonment or dismissive to you).

If one of those reasons may be the cause of your partner’s reaction to flee situations or to shut down, hopefully you can understand with more compassion that they are not actively trying to hurt you. They most likely are not actively trying to torture you by withholding their feelings and thoughts. They aren’t attempting to make you feel abandoned or dismissed. The most advised next step is to seek couples counseling before this issue causes severe harm to your self esteem and relationship’s health.

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How to Stop Parenting you Partner and What to Do Instead

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box

How to stop parenting your partner may seem like a challenging process, because you’ve probably tried everything you can think of. You may be on the verge of breaking up, or finding yourself fantasizing about that green grass on the other side. Before making any rash decisions, we would highly suggest taking a moment to reflect. When we find ourselves in this position, it is crucial to do some internal work verses stay stuck in the place of blame. When reading this article, it is important to realize your part, as well as do the work to explore your needs and expression of those needs in order to invoke change in the relationship.

Parenting your partner can feel icky. I know.. icky isn’t the best word to describe feelings, but sometimes icky is the best way to express the resentment, frustration, isolation and fear we can carry when we feel as though we are parenting our partner. It is not uncommon to have a more dominant personality in a relationship that generally makes the bulk of the decisions, but when couples start to feel less of an partnership and more of a parent/child relationship, there are bigger issues that need to addressed under the surface.

As a therapist, I have heard themes when working with couples. One of the biggest complaints I hear is one person may experience their partner hasn’t changed or matured. Because we ironically find ourselves choosing partners that are exact opposite of us in so many ways, one person can eventually start to feel taken advantage of or resentful of the lack of teamwork they perceive is not being reciprocated in the relationship. That’s because relationships don’t work this way; they are not a quid pro quo, (ex: “the more I give, the more I will receive.”) Our relationships are rarely 50/50. Wait, did you hear that? Relationships are rarely 50/50, yet we often demand this because we are told this is how it should be. We all experience the world differently and somewhere in the middle is the balance that we all need to foster and appreciate in our relationships to find a mutual respect and balance.

The feeling of parenting your partner may have started from the very beginning of your relationship, or it may have been created as time passed and circumstances changed (or stayed “stagnant”). Regardless of when it started, it is important to understand the why it started and really get to the bottom of understanding what you really want to change.

Generally speaking, people with more assertive and “dominant” personalities tend to be leaders in their personal lives; maybe they are bosses, the oldest child, the “parent” in their family dynamic. These traits can be argued are a cause of nature or nurture, and I believe it is both. On one hand, being dominant and assertive, can be a defense mechanism that was created in early childhood to protect themselves, their family and/or circumstances. As an example, maybe their dominance came from being bullied as a kid by their family or peers; maybe their strong control in managing life came from their unfair role of having to parent their unreliable parents or parents struggling with addiction. The combination of natural personality characteristics and their trauma have blended together to make them very self reliant, structured and more particular.

On the contrary, people who tend to go with the flow more easily and are less confrontational maybe have also learned these techniques to protect themselves as well. For example, maybe their innate reaction to let others make decisions for them came from having a parent with a mental illness and they were never allowed to have an opinion anyway; maybe their contentment came from a fear of failure because they were always told they wouldn’t achieve; maybe they were the middle child and/or had siblings that spoke for them. In combination with their natural personality traits, you can see how their trauma has created more timidness, patience and flexibility.

Clearly, both personality traits have pros and cons. Areas of weakness and areas of strength. Together, we need to learn to accept and appreciate each other’s differences and where they came from, instead of judging them as being “controlling” and/or “lazy.” We have to try to see our partner with compassion to find a common space to relate to each other; otherwise our differences that we were once attracted to, ironically become the exact reason many couples decide to split. Whatever the circumstances of our upbringings, our reactions as adults are often misunderstood by the people we love the most.

Our partner has their own complexities and challenges. They have their own strengths that are triggering for us, because it’s often showing us our own defiance of change.

If you find yourself parenting your partner and feeling resentment or isolated, reflect on these questions before making the decision to leave or repeating the same argument:

1. Jot down all the reasons you were attracted to your partner in the first place. Are any of these reasons/traits what you feel frustrated by now? If so, what has changed your perspective?
2. What are your expectations of your partner? Is it possible that they are unrealistic, too harsh and/or coming from a judgmental place?
3. What needs did you have growing up that may be getting triggered in your current life? (Example: You currently argue with your partner about them making more money, but is it possible that you’re feeling insecure or uncertain about the future and want more reliability? Is it possible you are subconsciously speaking in code and argue about content related issues that may have a deeper need or insecurity?)
4. Is it possible that you are feeling out of control in your life? If so, have you explained this vulnerably to your partner that you are feeling stuck without blaming them?
5. Is it possible that it is challenging for you to ask for help? If so, how could you be unintentionally coming across defensive, controlling and/or demanding because of this?
6. Do you have a pattern of trying to fix, control and/or save everyone? Where does this come from?
7. Are you feeling appreciated, valued and seen in your relationship? If not, how may this be contributing to your frustration and expectations?

Now, after your reflection, try these tips to initiate more understanding in your partnership in hopes of saving it:

1. Talk about childhoods and impactful moments in your lives: From a curious place, discuss how you both perceive the why behind why you are the way that you are. Go further into discussion about your childhoods and how they are impacting your current relationship. How does this give you both more compassion and understanding as to why certain characteristics or behaviors may be hard to change in adulthood.
2. Discuss your authentic and vulnerable needs, not disappointments or demands: From a sincere place, discuss your unmet needs in childhood. Your insecurities about how you show up in the relationship. What are you both trying to protect? Why is X, Y, and Z issue really an issue?
3. Discuss how your expectations of each other and of change may be limiting and unrealistic: This doesn’t mean that you don’t have needs and requests of your partner, but what this does mean is you both have to own how your projections are affecting each other, as well contributing to your own suffering. Sometimes our expectations and the way we think are the problem. If you originally fell in love with the characteristics of your partner that now upset you, it’s important to recognize why. What about your expectations have changed and is it possible to find a middle ground?
4. Identify what areas you both need to work on: Safely take accountability for your setbacks and explain to your partner how you see these challenges showing up in the relationship. With humility, own them. No one wants you to be perfect, but by taking accountability, it can help your partner feel validated, thus creating healing and motivation to want to work on change together.
5. Be aware of when your triggers alert you and how you deal with those triggers automatically: Next time you feel annoyed, angry or hurt, stop and reflect on why. Then notice how you tend to deal with your discomfort automatically and instead of reacting out of habit, try stopping, reflecting and gaining insight before you respond.
6. Define roles in relationship and discuss ways to share more responsibilities mutually: Collaborate! It seems silly to sit down and structure a list of roles and responsibilities, but it is more effective to address directly than to make assumptions. Together, list all the adulting responsibilities you both have and what things you feel is “your” responsibility and why. Maybe this exercise highlights discrepancies and/or helps the two of you have more conversation about what is important and why. Remember, you can strive for 50/50, but don’t expect it!
7. Identify your strengths and weaknesses and how you’d work better as a team if you both were to work with your strengths more: If your relationship was a sports team, what position would each of you flourish in? Together, agree and collaborate on what roles and responsibilities that are within your “expertise,” as well as commit to taking on something within the relationship that challenges your comfort zone.
8. Communicate about what you both desire in terms of feeling appreciated in your relationship. Try the five love languages quiz to help you identify ways you feel and experience love.
9. Try Couples Therapy!

As you can see, this complicated dynamic is not simple. We often let our egos convince us that our partner is the enemy and we forget that we are just flawed imperfect humans doing the best that we can. Sometimes, when we find ourselves partnering our partner, we don’t realize that we are feeling defeated, lonely and or anxious about the unknown of our own lives. Sometimes, we don’t realize that we are struggling internally and thus it is necessary to build self awareness before blaming our partner for their deficancies. It is important to realize that having needs and requests are important, but we also have to learn to be patient and love our partners unconditionally at the same time. Regardless of you feeling like the parent or child in your relationship, you can hopefully see that you both are feeling misunderstood in the relationship. It’s important to gain perceptive and clear up assumptions that are creating toxicity in your partnership.

Thanks for reading How to Stop Parenting Your Partner! Have you experienced this dynamic before? Tell us about it!

The post How to Stop Parenting Your Partner appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Stop Trying to Fix Everything in Your Relationship : 6 Things You to do Instead

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box

“Stop trying to fix everything in your relationship!” may be something you’ve heard a bazillion times. Maybe it’s something you didn’t even know you were trying to do; but you just know you hate when the one you love struggles or when there is conflict between the two of you. Your intentions are sincere. You want to keep the peace and make “negative” feelings go away. Your natural go-to is to logically assess the situation, then fix the uncomfortableness. So you may be confused as to why your partner doesn’t understand your genuine attempt to help them out or to defuse the situation.

When your partner starts to get angry with you for always trying to fix things, you may find yourself at a frustrating point and don’t quite understand what to do to make things better. This may make you feel completely discouraged, stressed and rejected. You may start to believe that you can never do anything right. Maybe that is why you have found yourself googling, “stop trying to fix everything in your relationship.”

If you’re in this boat, hear me when I say, this is a common issue for couples.

We have all heard of chronic people pleasing, but we often don’t hear enough about the “chronic fixer” mentality. “The chronic fixer” was often the child growing up that was in charge of their erratic or irresponsible parent or sibling; the child that was expected to be the mediator in the family when abuse or escalation would surface; the child that was neglected from their parents attention or who grew up not understanding unconditional love. The fixer is often the child that never learned how to emotionally express their needs or feelings and becomes easily overwhelmed with other’s expression of emotions. If you are the fixer, this is often why the inner child in you feels so helpless and why it may feel incredibly hurtful when your partner gets angry with you for trying to help. If the fixer mentality in you is so ingrained, it can be a challenge to stop trying to fix everything in your relationship.

So what do you do?

As the fixer, your conscious intentions of diffusing the situation are noble. You care, you try to support, you want to make things “right” again. However, your automatic drive to fix things, is usually more of a defense mechanism to protect yourself, than it is an altruistic drive to help. This is why the attempt to fix doesn’t soothe your partner and it seems to only make things worse. So, if you are the fixer, this doesn’t mean you are “bad,” or wrong. It’s just helpful to realize that your automatic behavior to shut things down and to fix them, are usually an innate defense against your intolerance to emotional discomfort and/or escalation and conflict. Your actions and attempt to fix things, are an automatic response to your subconscious fears in childhood or a toxic past relationship.

So, in a nutshell, the (subconscious) attempt to fix everything is often motivated by a desire to protect yourself from being triggered by a wound that hasn’t fully been healed from your past.

One of the reasons this comes up a lot in couples counseling, is because one person’s natural approach to supporting the other can unfortunately be the exact opposite from what their partner actually needs. Together, they don’t know how to communicate about it, so they tend to just get frustrated at each other and get stuck in repetitive arguments. They both end up feeling dismissed and frustrated.

It’s like the example of never telling a frantic person to “calm down.” Generally, telling someone to calm down has the opposite outcome, because it makes the person who is feeling frantic, now feel dismissed and embarrassed for feeling how they are feeling. Even if “calming down” is the logical and helpful thing to do, in the moment of heightened emotions, it is impossible to flip the switch into a logical state of mind. When we are feeling emotionally triggered, our brains can stop working properly and the amygdala can be hijacked. This is important to understand because we are incredibly complex as human beings and sometimes, when we are emotional, we aren’t always choosing to react in the way we desire. This is why it is incredibly important for both partners to work on strengthening emotional intelligence and tolerance.

I often tell my clients to picture a disgusting scenario: Your partner is stuck in poop. Literally. They are drenched in it. It’s like quick sand and they are barely able to keep their head above the disgustingness. You see them and you want to get them out, but you look around you and there is absolutely nothing you can use to pull them out with. Your partner is defeated and stressed. You are defeated and stressed. Best thing you can do? Jump in the pile of poo with them. That’s it. Sound crazy? YES, it does, but this is often all we need as humans. By jumping in, you show up for them. You give them permission to be overwhelmed and you give yourself permission to be powerless. You ride the wave together and you see your partner with compassion, they see you with intention. Sometimes there is no solution other than that. Eventually the disgustingness becomes livable and the two of you realize you actually aren’t covered in poop, it’s just mud; and by the time the sun goes down, it starts to loosen up, allowing the two of you to get out comfortably to find shelter… together, as a team. “Problem” solved!

Stop Trying to Fix Everything in Your Relationship | 6 Things to do Instead:

Breathe | So when your partner is struggling with something, try to breathe consciously. Literally take a few moments to calm your instinct to react by shutting the emotions down and fixing it. Just breathe and remind yourself that you are safe. Be conscious of what immediate thought popped into your head, “Oh no, here we go again,” or “What did I do wrong?”

Don’t Make Assumptions | When you’re sensing your partner’s vibe is off, you automatically go to worst case scenario in your head. Stop that train of thought, observe the situation and try asking yourself, “Is what I am assuming/thinking true? Do I have evidence to support these automatic thoughts? Am I giving my partner the benefit of the doubt?”

Ask More Questions | Listen more. Ask more. It’s simple enough to help your partner feel validated, but also helpful in soothing your anxiety. Maybe your partner is upset about something that has nothing to do with you, and they just need a moment to talk through it. Try asking a simple question about their needs, “Do you want me to help you solve this, or just listen?”

Set Boundaries | It is completely OK for you to request boundaries when you are feeling overwhelmed and need a moment to collect yourself from flooding emotions. A healthy example on how to request space from an emotional partner is, “I hear you, I see you’re upset, and I need a moment to process all this because emotions can be challenging for me to process. Can we revisit this conversation when I get back in a couple hours?”

Work on Feeling Uncomfortable | Work on your tolerance to difficult emotions or conversations. If being uncomfortable with emotions is something you struggle with, it may be time to do your own counseling to help you regulate and process them effectively.

Relinquish Your Responsibility to Fix Everything | You may feel as though it is your “job” for one reason or another to fix everything, but it isn’t. In fact, that belief is causing you the most pain and discomfort. By relinquishing the responsibility, you surrender to not having control. This is uncomfortable, but it is equally relieving.

*Obviously, if your relationship hits any of these red flags, then you may want to reconsider your relationship’s health and may not want to continue the relationship. There is a difference between being a fixer due to childhood triggers and feeling coerced to please your partner because they are abusive.

All and all, relationships are challenging! The best thing you can do is try to assume the best of your partner (if it is not toxic or abusive). We are all trying our best, even if it doesn’t seem that way sometimes. If you don’t feel heard, there may be somethings you can try differently to be softer with your approach. If you don’t feel appreciated or understood, then you may be trying too hard to fix the situation rather than just hear your partner out.

Thanks for reading our article, Stop Trying to Fix Everything in Your Relationship.

The post Stop Trying To Fix Everything in Your Relationship appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Here is a list of helpful questions to ask your couples therapist as you are exploring options for you and your partner.

When you are shopping around for couples therapists, it is important that you find someone you feel a connection with, right? Unfortunately, your search can feel really overwhelming at first, especially if you don’t have a personal referral from a trusty friend or family member. What do you even look for to identify if they are the right fit? First, start with searching therapists that have experience and specialities in the area in which you are seeking in your state. Second, read up on reviews and testimonials on google and yelp. Lastly, read up on bios/blogs/credentials. If after that research you decide you would like to move forward in a phone consultation, reach out to schedule one.

The process to couples therapy can feel daunting in-it-of-itself, especially if you have never experienced it before. So to help the initial nervousness, schedule a free consultation with potential couples therapists to determine fit before you start the counseling process and ask these these questions. (An additional tip: Do the research and consultation together!)

Here is a list of helpful questions to ask your couples therapist to help you both determine if you will work well together:

1. What are your specialities?
2. How comfortable are you with supporting us with the needs that we have?
3. What does your process look like?
4. How would you describe your counseling style?
5. What can we expect from you as our Couples Therapist?
6. How much do you charge?
7. How long do sessions lasts?
8. Do you advise a certain amount of sessions?
9. Describe your ideal client.

Based off the answers to these questions and your sense of the therapist’s personality and style, you both may have a better idea of who you’d like to work with.

Do you have other questions to ask your couples therapist that we left out? Let us know! If you’re interested in scheduling a free 15 minute consultation with us, please fill out a contact form and we contact you within 48 hours!

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What to Expect in Couples Therapy 

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box

“What to expect in couples therapy?” Is an important question you may be asking yourselves if you have never done it before. Counseling in general may seem overwhelming, as you know it can drudge up feelings that you have been trying to keep dormant for a loooooong time. Add your partner in the mix and it can feel even more daunting as you both feel uncomfortable feelings. Often times, people that have never done couples therapy can feel nervous that the boat is going to tip over, not just rock. Couples can feel nervous about the process bringing to light that they are not meant to be together. All reasons for feeling nervous about reaching out and exploring couples therapy are completely valid and incredibly common. (And yes, the boat will rock and it may even tip over. Yes, you could potentially discover that you aren’t wanting to pursue your relationship; but please know that in my 8 years of counseling, I rarely find that the boat completely sinks).

If you are confused with what to expect in couples therapy, take a deep breath. This blog will hopefully help you and your partner get a sense of what to expect in couples therapy and what are some potential red flags that could indicate you are not seeing the right couples therapist.

I do want to preface this list with an awareness that not all therapists are the same. Each of us has our own style, approach and philosophies. It is crucial to schedule a consultation with potential couples therapists in your area before scheduling an appointment to better determine fit. (Check out these important questions to ask your couples therapist).

What to Expect in Couples Therapy:

The couples therapist should be direct (way more direct than what you may have encountered in individual therapy).

This is because we have to be able to help the two of you navigate the intricate dance of your conflict style and we cannot be helpful in getting to your goals if we aren’t incredibly directive. A competent couples therapist should be willing to direct the sessions to help you both experience a different way to communicate with each other.

If you’re working with our practice, expect that we will see you both for for one 55 minute individual session on week 2.

This is because we honor both of you equally and we find it is important to assess the whole person in addition to the relationship. We like to understand how you view the world and where you have come from that has helped shape this view. This individual session is not meant to be a time to just express grievances about your partner; it is intended to getting to know each of you on a more individualized level. This helps us better understand your language, point of view and triggers when we encounter them in couples therapy.

You both will equally feel heard, validated and respected, (and yes, even if one of you “messed up.”)

The competent couples therapist, will always see you objectively. This means, we aren’t here to point fingers or take sides. Regardless of what brings you into therapy, we are here to help the two of you understand each other.

You will learn tools to better communicate… eventually.

It can take a lot of time to heal, reconnect and/or effectively communicate. Often times, we are unpacking subconscious childhood issues that have caused barriers in your current relationship. We are working on creating a level of trust that most likely neither of you have experienced before. So please be patient with the process and don’t expect immediate results.

You may feel like your relationship is getting worse, before it starts to feel better.

I tell my clients that the process of counseling is often like the process of losing 20lbs. In theory, it’s easy; you eat less, you work out more. Unfortunately the process is often more challenging then the theory and you both may find yourselves at a point in therapy when you are sore for days and have zero interest returning to the gym because you are completely discouraged. We are complicated beings and we need to be patient with ourselves and each other, as well as constantly give grace to the messy process.

Expect a focus on the process in which the two of you relate to each other. Not a focus on the “he-said/she-said” content of rehashing the same argument over and over again.

This is because we are here to support you both in restructuring the way the two of you communicate and relate to each other in the bigger picture. Although content in arguments can be important and sometimes what we discuss, it won’t be the constant focal point because it truly gets us no where. You are not paying to have your therapist watch you argue.

You’ll feel exposed.

Couples therapy is a vulnerable process and you may not always feel fully comfortable letting your guard down. This is normal! We will guide you.

Expect to argue in front of your couples therapist.

It is OK to argue in front of your couples therapist sometimes and know that it’s actually helpful for us to see how the two of you communicate. This is when we will often jump in to help slow things down and de-escalate the situation and help the two of you be more vulnerable.

Expect the couples therapist to interrupt you.

Part of our job is to help hold you both (lovingly) accountable for your unconscious actions, as well help the two of you process your emotions and pain effectively. We may interrupt you because we want to help the two of you discover your vulnerabilities, not just sit with your defensiveness and unprocessed reactions.

Expect to at least address sex.

It’s important to at least address sex, as it is a big part of your intimate relationship. A competent couples therapist will at least ask questions about your sex life even if we don’t stay on the topic. It’s important to know that sex and communication around sex is welcome in couples therapy.

Expect to learn more about yourself and your partner.

For better or worse… It will all be empowering in the end.

Red Flags That Indicate You Are Not Seeing The Right Couples Therapist:

• The couples therapist just listens and never directs you two.
• The couples therapist never interrupts or helps the two of you de-escalate from heighten emotions/arguments.
• The couples therapist doesn’t help you both reframe conflict or help you see things from each other’s different perspective.
• The couples therapist doesn’t spend equal time hearing both of you (or address why they are spending more time with one person over the other strategically).
• The couples therapist takes sides overtly.
• The couples therapist never discusses sex, even if sex isn’t an issue.
• The couples therapist lets you drive every session.
• The couples therapist never addresses the elephant in the room.

Interested in scheduling an appointment with us? We are a small team of Relationship Therapists that specialize in couples and sex therapy. Please fill out a contact form and we will contact you within 48 hours!

The post What to Expect in Couples Therapy appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Why Doesn’t She Want to Have Sex? | The Common Couple Dilemma

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box

*It is important to note that although I am using specific gender pronouns, I am not intentionally meaning to exclude or generalize behaviors unfairly based on someone’s preferred gender identification. This article is an example of themes I have heard in my experience as a couples therapist from heterosexual, cisgender couples. However, this content has and can be a theme in any relationship, regardless of gender and identification. 

“Why doesn’t she want to have sex?” is a common question we often hear in couples therapy. Sometimes, this may be the question that brings a couple or an individual into therapy to begin with. Of course there is never a one-size-fits-all answer to any one question, but I can share with you what I have learned in the years of being a couples therapist that may be helpful to you if you find yourself on this blog.

Many times, women are identified with having a low to non-existent “sex drive.” We often use this term to describe the lack of desire to engage in sex or forms of eroticism. It is easy to make the assumption that women who have a “low sex drive” are struggling in some area and it just needs to be “fixed.” Many clients will ask, “Is it because of my hormones? A lack of attraction to my partner? Is it just my age? What do I need to do or take to get us back to having sex like we used to? I don’t understand why I don’t want sex, really ever.“

Well to start, we have to use caution with the term “sex drive” to describe the desire to have sex, and start recognizing that our sexual desires are a lot more complex than just the spontaneous biological urge to orgasm. When we use the term “sex drive,” we are implying that we HAVE to have sex and that if we don’t ever have that urge, then something must be wrong with us. We biologically have the drive to drink water, to eat food, to be warm… to simply survive. The catch here, no one has died from not having sex, which is why we should be cautious using the term “sex drive” to describe the desire to want sex. We all have an impulsive drive to drink water, to eat or to sleep, which are essential to our existence. We don’t have the same biological impulse to have sex because our bodies don’t need it to survive. To read more on this theory and how to look differently at this topic, check out the book Come As You Are.

With that said, there are still many people  asking the question, “Whats wrong with me?” when they don’t desire sex with their partner. Many people assume that this is a biological or a hormonal issue. Many people just settle with the belief that it must be “age,” and assume their sex “drive” is long gone.

Most likely, there is nothing “wrong” with their body. Yes, it would be a good idea to be up to date with health exams, but often times the reason why she doesn’t want to have sex has nothing to do with bodily functions and hormones. It has to do with how she is relating to sex, her sexual self and her partner. It often has everything to do with what she is thinking and feeling in the day to day. The specific context of the day can either spiral her down a stressful hole of exhaustion, or actually be a fun loving opportunity for excitement and sex play.

Now the key, is mindset. The biggest sex organ in the body is the brain. Without a conscious decision to be open to letting go of control and allowing for an organic experience to occur, most often the desire to have sex will be out the window. Many women are bombarded by the self induced endless list of to-do’s in their heads. Unfortunately, this often includes the perceived stressful obligation to have sex, which makes the desire even more of a negative. Women are often too “busy” internally that they rarely unburden themselves with the free time to ask what they want to do. Women can get stuck in their own heads and put a lot of pressure on themselves to do more, which ultimately limits the space in their brain for the decision to want sex.

What is also interesting, most often women need to become aroused before they can make the full decision to desire sex.

That’s right… Women often need to make the decision to want sex, verses wait for their bodies to alert them that they are ready to go.

Women’s sexual responses can be understood by thinking of a cycle. First, it starts with willingness. When the context feels safe, (which is different for every women), she can make the decision to be open to an organic sexual experience. Secondly, once she is mentally open, she will be more allowing of her body to become aroused. Once her body is aroused, she can make the conscious (and excited) decision to want sex. The cycle may have to be repeated if she gets stuck in her head during any part of the sexual experience and isn’t present.

Generally speaking, men’s sexual responses are linear and start with desire, lead to arousal, then ultimately end in orgasm, before it plateaus. You can understand then, how women can perceive that they have an “issue” when they never “desire” sex (like men). The reality is, men and women’s sexual responses are very different and when understood, you are less likely to personalize the symptoms and support each other differently.

As a woman, it is important to understand the appropriate context for which she feels the most willing to have sex. Is it ample quality time with her partner? Is it less house work or less overall stress? Is it alone time to recharge? Is it all of these above? Is it getting complimented or caressed a certain way? When she is able to identify it, she can communicate more about what gives you both the green light to initiate sexual experiences.

When sex becomes a challenge for her, it can indicate that there is a huge imbalance in her life. For example, there may be no room for her to feel unburdened of responsibilities and she may be desiring feeling more emotionally close to her partner. She may also not desire sex because she isn’t attune to her own body and sexuality. She may dismiss her own sexual needs and prioritizes everything else above that, which is frustrating for both parties. When both people can communicate more honestly, you can work together at creating an intentional space for the context to line up and support an organic sexual experience without the pressure.

Before we blame or feel rejected, we should find space to understand each other. Men and women’s sexual responses biologically are really different and the connection between the two of you may be a bit off. Talking about the elephant in the room with a trained professional may be all you need to start having more fulfilling and less pressuring sex!

Fill out a form today for a free consult!

The post Why Doesn’t She Want to Have Sex? | The Common Couple Dilemma appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Examples of Power Struggles in a Relationship | How to Tell if You Are Butting Heads to Gain Control (and why?)

Awe… the honeymoon phase. Isn’t it bliss? 

There are seemingly no “real” struggles in the honeymoon phase, right? Just fun dates and lots of sex. There’s no arguing about who loads the dishwasher, or picks up the check(s). No one is frustrated about always initiating sex or what to eat for dinner. Life in the beginning was just easy filled with compromise. 

This time in our relationship is “easy,” because we are often lost in lust and oxytocin. It’s also easy, because we are happy to forfeit our opinions in order to make the other person satisfied and to keep them interested. We don’t mind compromise because we all enjoy falling in love. 

So, fast forward a few months… or even some years. You may have found yourselves unhappy and struggling with feeling fully appreciated and/or equal in your relationship. Maybe simple communication is challenging or mutual respect is declining. At times, you may feel frustrated and sad that the relationship you once had feels lost and the person you fell in love with has slipped away. 

Well, you may have found yourselves in a power struggle. 

You may not even realize it, but often times the petty fights you find yourselves in are just an attempt for your voices to be heard/respected, your feelings to be validated, or your contributions to be recognized and appreciated. We often get stuck in the content of “who did what” instead of communicating to each other our vulnerable desires to feel seen in the relationship. Sometimes, we get so stuck on how things used to be, that we start resenting our partners for inevitable changes. 

Here are Examples of Power Struggles in a Relationship:

#1: You find yourselves easily arguing about your (subjective) experiences being a fact. 

#2: You and/or your partner makes regular passive aggressive comments and says they are just “joking.”  

#3: You and/or partner feels entitled to having more decision making privileges, because you/they make more money.

#4: You and/or your partner feel secretively defiant.

#5 You put each other down. 

#6 You get in arguments the second you both have differing opinions. 

#7 You and/or your partner constantly bring up the past to justify their actions. 

#8 You and/or your partner play games to make the other one jealous. 

#9 You find yourselves in competition with each other, and not in a cute way. 

#10 You and/or your partner often threaten leaving the relationship in arguments. 

#11 You and/or your partner withhold sex, intimacy or affection to prove a point. 

#12 You and/or your partner often feels “in trouble.” 

#13 You and/or your partner purposefully want to withhold offering support or help to “teach” them a lesson. 

Power struggles can be a common element to a relationship, but catching them early will help you both determine a healthy way to restructure them. Sometimes, power struggles in a relationship can be due to feeling unheard and sometimes addressing them calmly can be the fix. Other times, power struggles can come from years of built up resentment and pain, which may require a lot more time and tools to heal. Either way, therapy is always a great idea to help you both unpack these negative behaviors and break the cycle for good. 

The post Examples of Power Struggles in a Relationship appeared first on Modern Love Counseling.

Written by Kate Barrington and Alysha Jenney

Takeaway: Whether you are in a long-term, live-in relationship or a long-distance one, it isn’t uncommon to wonder about how to keep the relationship alive. No matter how much you love your partner, the passion and excitement tend to dwindle as the novelty of your relationship dissolves. If you find yourself reading this article, please know you are not alone and this is very natural. Here are some ideas from couples therapists in Denver on how to keep relationships exciting when they experience lulls.  

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One of the most satisfying aspects of being in a long-term relationship is how well you and your partner know each other. You’ve spent months, maybe even years together and you’ve endured your fair share of challenges while making memories along the way. Though there’s comfort in familiarity, sometimes what you really want is to switch things up – to try something new. We all could use a little change in our day-to-day WFH grind.

How do you keep a relationship interesting?

A relationship is only as interesting as you are. When you are feeling bored in the relationship, make it a point to acknowledge your limitations and maybe go outside of your comfort zone. What is something you’ve always wanted to learn how to do? What is something you feel interests you? What is something that turns you on, but you’ve been nervous to explore?  Go with it!

Learning something new may be all you need to spark alive in your relationship because it gives you something to talk about, something to look forward to and helps your overall mental and emotional wellbeing. 

Here are some other ideas on how to keep the spark alive in your long-term relationship.

Indulge yourselves with enjoyable past events and memories

Look at photos, read journal entries, and have conversations about how you first met. Reminiscing can help the two of you tap into enjoyable emotions that you’ve gotten too busy or too comfortable to tap into.

Reminiscing also helps us get back into the mental and emotional state of being present and open, like we once were in the beginning.  Pick up some nice frames at the craft store or assemble your top picks in a scrapbook or photo book. If you want to go digital, go through old photos on your phones and stream them to the TV screen. 

Have sacred rituals

Have sacred rituals that the two of you commit to; whether that be you go to an exotic vacation once a year together, or you have sex in the shower at every place you stay in! 

Introduce a new hobby

Try out a board game or an outdoor activity to start exploring together. At your next date night, try something new that is out of both of your comfort zones. For example, you could go listen to live Jazz at a swanky club, play tennis or rock climb.  Schedule a date that is specifically meant for role play. Pretend that you both are on a first date! 

Appreciate the adventures, but also appreciate the moments of calmness

Being bored in your relationship is an opportunity to grow, but it is also a time to reflect in gratitude for the memories and level of comfort you both feel. During down times, try telling each other verbally how much you appreciate each other for the little things. Cuddle often and try to not take each other for granted everyday, by reflecting on the gratitude to have for one another before bed. 

Talk about lulls

This may seem counterproductive, but communicating about a lull in the relationship may be what both of you need to hold each other accountable for trying one of these above tips. Try simply saying, “Hey, I miss you. Can we prioritize intentional time to connect?” 

Tackle your partner’s to-do list

A surprise doesn’t always have to be a physical gift – you could show your partner you care by performing an act of service. Tackle a few items on your partner’s to-do list so they have a little extra free time to relax or to spend with you.

Try the 4-course meal challenge from TikTok

Everyone loves food, especially when it’s a surprise. Give the 4-course meal challenge a try by taking turns picking out drinks, appetizers, entrees, and dessert. Use the meal as a chance to spend some quality time catching up with your partner.

Write them a love letter

In today’s world, communication is often done through text or email, so show your partner you care by surprising them with a hand-written love letter. If you want to get really creative, you could write several shorter notes and hide them around the house for your partner to find.

Book a hotel room for the two of you

If it’s been a while since you and your partner had any alone time together, why not book a hotel room for a night or the whole weekend. Order room service then kick back and watch movies or soak in the jacuzzi together for a little quality one-on-one time. It’ll be nice getting out of your homes and into a new environment!

Buy something sexy for yourself or your partner

Feeling sexy is crucial in allowing yourself to be open to erotic experiences. Why not pick out a sexy piece of lingerie or a introduce a top rated couples sex toy as a surprise for your partner? Psssst… If erectile dysfunction is ever a barrier, you can plan ahead and get a prescription for ED medication online. 

Feeling stuck? Go outside of your comfort zones and discuss sex in meaningful ways with our Intimacy Guide.

Buy a Modern Love Box subscription

As a relationship expert, I co-created The Modern Love Box with my husband because many of us long-term couples struggle at times with reviving the spark. Lulls in relationships are common and normal, but oftentimes, couples don’t have the tools on how to effectively work through them.

If you’ve having trouble coming up with ideas or ways to revive the passion with your partner, The Modern Love Box is a great choice. Choose from curated Date Boxes filled with products and prompts to help you and your partner step up all levels of intimacy, our digital monthly communication activity meant to help the two of you deepen your communication and have more interesting topics to discuss at any date night, and/or our adult intimacy products that help you both explore sexually.

Most of the work is done for you and each of the offerings give you the opportunity to get closer and more connected when you are struggling with knowing how. 

Check out our date box!

So how do you keep a relationship alive after two years?

Two years is generally when a couple starts to feel the loss of their honeymoon stage. Although they are more comfortable with each other, have more security and may even be making bigger decisions together, they may also be struggling with experiencing the passion they once felt.

You can keep your relationship alive after two years by making it a point to continue to date each other. Continue to create new memories, recreate sacred ones, and give each other the quality attention you both used to effortlessly give one another. Celebrate anniversaries, enjoy quality time with intention, and be conscious of not letting the day-to-day stress rob you of the precious time you both get together. Any moment can become stale, but how do you intentionally make time to be flirty, playful and sexy?

You know your partner better than anyone, so take your time to think through this list and choose a surprise your partner will appreciate and enjoy. You never know – it might just set off a fun new tradition of surprising each other to keep the spark in your relationship alive!

Keep the spark alive with the Modern Love Box

We understand that keeping the spark alive in a relationship can be a challenging process. That’s why we recommend trying our date night subscription box the Modern Love Box if you and your partner are feeling stuck.

If you are interested in learning more about our counseling services in Denver, CO, feel free to contact me. I’m here to help! Thanks for reading.

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